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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

999 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 20:45

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
NotAProperGrownUp · 20/06/2019 23:52

It was lovely! I’ve found this thread so useful in helping me gain confidence to enjoy myself but also keep perspective and not planning too much. I’m enjoying the moment for once, with no expectations.

Ant330 · 21/06/2019 00:00

Also lifegoes I know it probably feels like it at the moment but not all blokes are dicks, it's just unfortunate that there's a fair few out there in the OLD pool!
As you said, pay heed to the early warning signs, but at the end of the day you've got to do what you did and take the risk of putting yourself out there and having a bit of faith in people.

lifegoes · 21/06/2019 00:08

@Ant330 you know I won't ever stop taking risks, the hurt ends up lessons and the love blessings.

I'm just pleased I can walk away with my head held high, knowing I treated him with nothing but respect and niceness. He didn't. And that says more about him than me.

I'm happy with that, and I'm happy I walked and still go chasing

lifegoes · 21/06/2019 00:13

@Ant330 *and DIDNT go chasing.

I do believe it's man a job/role to text the day after sex. ESP when the woman was the last to text. So for a man with "old fashioned values" he certainly didn't show them

Ant330 · 21/06/2019 00:14

Very glad to hear it, you are absolutely right! Smile

StealthNinjaMum · 21/06/2019 07:02

@kerkyra I remember garden gate man, I was possibly lurking or was a thread newbie. I was disappointed you never had sex with him because I was wondering if you'd ever find his penis. #overinvestedinastrangerssexlife

Savoretti · 21/06/2019 07:25

Had a lovely date with MrWest last night. A definite spark but not as intense as with MrTooMarried. But if it’s there I reckon it can grow? He’s definitely more available and emotionally steady so will meet again and see how it goes....

As someone upthread said no buses, or all at once, came home to a couple more date requests from Tinder matches. I do not want to overinvest in one, just not sure if I can multidate even at the start...

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/06/2019 07:33

@StealthNinjaMum that made me laugh! Was it really that small?!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 21/06/2019 07:35

@Savoretti glad your date went well-I think if you felt something then it can definitely grow. I've always gone on to have further dates if I quite like someone. I don't ever get that 'firework' moment when I first meet someone anyway though as I need to get to know them a bit.

I know what you mean about buses too. Mr SAS seems to be messaging more and more. Not sexual or anything, just nice, friendly messages. That's probably even more of a headfuck.

OP posts:
kerkyra · 21/06/2019 07:57

Let's just say I went for a feel ' down there' to return the favour and after abit of a rummage changed my mind. Maybe it was tucked in somewhere,I'll never know. It threw me abit as he said he had a couple of friends with benefits so I knew he was quite sexual.
Date has txt saying looking forward to seeing me at the weekend......but no plan. Maybe I just suggest?

SimonJT · 21/06/2019 08:09

@kerkyra

Grower not a shower?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 21/06/2019 08:19

lifegoes I like proper endings and to tie up all the loose ends, so I found ghosters and fizzle-outers frustrating. All you can do is what you're doing - behave well and try not to let it get to you. It's all about him, and nothing you did. As Ant says, there are a lot of men like him on OLD. But therr are good ones, too!

I definitely agree with meeting sooner rather than later - I hadn't been on a date for over 30 years when I had my first ever OLD date (met exh and married very young) - I met him soon after we 'met' online - I kind of thought of it like ripping a plaster off 😂😂 Just do it (or as a friend of mine says JFDI - just fucking do it!!).

Ant330 · 21/06/2019 08:32

Kerkyra yes why not suggest something, sounds like he wants to see you.

AverageGuy · 21/06/2019 08:35

Morning all. Reporting in after my date last night with Miss Jo'burg.

We only spent about 2 hours together, as she looks after her mum (who has dementia), and had to get back, but it was like chatting to an old friend! We have quite a bit in common, and were almost ending each others sentences! Shock

As she lived quite close to where we met, I asked if I could walk her home (to which she said yes!), and we held hands (!), and had a kiss (but not a snog) outside her door...

Messaged her when I got back to say I'd like to see her again, and our second date is on Monday! (I couldn't do any sooner, due to family plans this weekend).

Really happy with the way it went, but absolutely not overinvesting...

Mrs Lion has decided I'm not for her, but I'm ok with that...

CassettesAreCool · 21/06/2019 08:46

average that sounds like a great date, happy for you!

Ant330 · 21/06/2019 08:56

Good date AverageGuy and nice to get the 2nd one arranged quickly, clearly both enjoyed yourselves Smile

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/06/2019 09:43

Great news @AverageGuy

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 21/06/2019 09:43

A bit worried about @Lovemusic33 after her horrible experience the other day. Hope she's ok.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 21/06/2019 09:47

sunshine thank you. I am ok, just lying low. I have not made any contact with him, haven’t replied to his message, hopefully he will stay away. I have my daughter off school so am spending some quality time with her and taking a break from dating. It has knocked me a little, I might take some time out as I don’t think I can trust anyone right now Sad.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/06/2019 10:03

@Lovemusic33 I'm glad you've come back to let us now you are ok (as you can be). What you experienced would knock and shake anyone but don't let it affect your future. Take a little break and then come back fighting x

OP posts:
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 21/06/2019 10:10

Oh love glad you’re ok. Please remember it’s not your fault. Flowers

average great date update

I have to agree with everyone. Get first dates arranged quickly. My first date on old was with Mr Big (now FWB) it was my first date in 14 years. It was awful, I got drunk before hand as was so nervous. Do you know though every date since has been much easier. Just treat it like meeting a new friend.

lifegoes nothing to add lovely. Some people are just wankers! Flowers

shitwithsugaron · 21/06/2019 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILiketheNiceCereal · 21/06/2019 10:33

@Lovemusic33 taking a breather is a good idea, I would do the same. Just remember it's not your fault he is a horrible person.

Auba14 · 21/06/2019 10:44

Hi Guys,

I've been toying with posting in the thread (this is going to be long I'm sorry!) for a few days as I don't have the mental energy to be able to deal with a bashing in the main forum.

As you all know, me and Miss B&B got together four months ago, and have had probably the best start to a relationship imaginable. Very in love, love every second together and I was there 3/4 nights a week and helped out. Because of owning a B&B, it was me that did the 45 minute journey there and back, sometimes twice a day or to work the next day. And I don't mind, I love being there and I love her.
She's had a lot of problems due to the B&B, her and her parents have only recently acquired it and as such it's a huge culture change for them all, DP lives in it, and has felt like since moving in it wasn't her home and stifled. We've never been able to be spontaneous because of check-ins, and I adjusted accordingly and loved it, it feels like such a huge part of my life!

However, on Monday she broke down with her parents. I could see it coming a mile off...she's exhausted and mentally drained and anxious. I offered to come up and do the check ins, so she could spend time with her friends, she said no. The next day, we were meant to see each other but I said not to, and she should sort things with her folks. Things went so quiet after that, and instead of the usual back and forth messaging it stopped.
I messaged the next morning, and all hell broke loose that I wasn't there for her when she needed me. My phone was on, I just thought she was having some space to sort her issues. Since then it descended into petty arguments, and she's blamed me instead of the B&B, saying she's been telling me what I wanted to hear about spending time together rather than actually wanting to do that. Then changes her mind and says no that's not true. So my head is really really screwed up!

So as it stands I haven't seen her since Monday morning - the longest we've ever gone apart. She says she loves and misses me but doesn't know if we can get past this. She asks for time apart then messages half an hour later - today I've asked her not to message. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Last time I saw her we were so happy and to find out I'm being blamed rather than the B&B has hurt me really badly.

I think I'm going to sound like a teenager, but you guys have been great before. I just don't know if I should walk away and date someone who has zero commitments and can have dates, I feel like I've had the rug swept from under me, kinda like sunshineandflipflops with MrSAS. I'll tell you one thing, writing it all down has been very cathartic!

Ant330 · 21/06/2019 10:59

Auba horrible situation and feel for you Flowers
It sounds like she's incredibly stressed and is lashing out at everybody around her.
I'd suggest she needs a holiday because it's going to affect her health if she's not careful.
It's difficult when somebody is in this mindset because she probably won't want to listen. Have you spoken to her parents at all? Can they get some temp help in so she can take a break?

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