Wife wants to change her first name and surname

[Rockandahardplaice]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My wife has never liked her first name - she thinks it is too common (I personally think it's fine, but obviously she is entitled to feel the way she feels). She is now thinking of changing it. This would make me quite sad, because my "pet" name for her (which she does like) is based on her actual name, and wouldn't make any sense if she changed her name.

However, this is just background really. The real issue is that she told me today that she wants to change her surname (married name) as well. We have been married about 15 years.

She says that she has never liked the surname, no-one can spell it, and she thinks of it as a really ugly part of herself which she hates more and more as time goes by. She is currently going to therapy a couple of times a week, and I suppose you could say she is on a voyage of facing properly a number of issues in her life, which has resulted in a number of changes to her attitude on certain things. I guess this is one of them.

I'll freely admit that our surname doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it is not an offensive name, and correcting people on spelling occasionally has never caused me any serious problems in life. If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended, but would have accepted it. But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me. In other words, a part of me she was happy to accept 15 years ago, she is not willing to accept now.

She has tried to soften the blow by saying I could change my name too. But I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line. She knows this, so it feels like quite an empty offer.

I've googled this issue, and although there is plenty of advice for husbands-to-be (usually that its only a tradition, and if the wife-to-be doesn't want to take your name, so be it), there is nothing for established married couples where the wife wants to ditch the surname she has already taken.

It feels like a massive rejection of me, although she assures me it is just the name she is rejecting and not me. However, this all comes on the back of several quite difficult years in our relationship, from which we are only just starting to recover, and the last few years (until recently) have been characterised by her rejection of me and distancing from me in a number of ways, so this ends up just feeling like another - whether it is or not.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or insights, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

It's her name and her identity. If she is facing up to a number of past issues, then changing her name could help her to welcome in a new era in which those issue are left behind.

As yourself why you feel rejected about a name? She's not rejecting you, or any apect of the person that is you. She is talking about an arbitrary label that doesn't work for her.

It's not you she's rejecting, you need to get past that.

Your pet name for her doesn't have to make sense. What I call DH bears no resemblance whatsoever to his name, or any other name. It doesn't matter at all.

You need to give her the space to do what she needs to do, and support her in it.

Gosh that is tough, I'd feel hurt by that too.

I'd keep using her 'pet name' if she's comfortable with it but help her choose a 'new' name.
You can't stop her changing her surname but if you want to still feel tied by name would you consider double barrelling yours.

I don't think your unreasonable to feel hurt by it though.

Unless she hates the pet name too I'd still be using it
New first name up to her
Surname - odd to be changing it now but there are lots of women who don't take their partner's name full stop.
If she is changing her name entirely/officially by deed poll then the married surname could be used as a middle name. If it's just adopting/reverting back to her maiden name, I guess it really is up to her and shouldn't feel like a rejection of you but I can understand it would having used the name for so long. Can she not double-barrel it?

It sounds a lot deeper than a name change. Have you tried counselling as a couple? It's got warning bells for me.

It sounds like a kneejerk reaction to whatever she is going through in therapy. I'd be suggesting that she waits a while, tries out the new name and then decides in six months.

And I can see why it would feel like a rejection. If you choose to take someone's name (I'm assuming she wasn't pressured into doing so), to then say she doesn't want it any more would make me question what else she doesn't want either.

Thanks for the comments so far. A few replies:

Springerlink - I don't think a name is arbitrary at all. If it was, parents would not agonise so much over choosing them, and Mumsnet traffic would drop by a sizable percentage due to the lack of baby name threads! Also, taking someone's name is a symbolic gesture (obviously you could argue that any symbolism is arbitrary), and by the same token so is ditching someone's name that you have already taken.

Strawberrypenguin - the double-barrelled idea is an interesting one, and I'd certainly consider double barrelling my name if she were to keep mine, but otherwise it wouldn't seem to address the issue of her rejecting my name, and with it, part of me.

Rage - I think she'd want a new name, not her maiden name back. I doubt she would double-barrel as that would still retain my name, but just add another.

It doesn't matter whether a pet name makes sense or not, very few do really!

With regards the surname I took my DH's surname when we got married. Six months later I told him I had tried but I just couldn't stand not having my name and that I was going back to it. He then happily agreed for us both to double barrel which has worked out brilliantly.

It sounds as though your wife wants to reinvent herself after dealing with her past issues and think that tough as it may be either you go with her on this journey or you will gradually grow apart.

I think you need to support her on this, and separate the name, from you. Do you feel like she rejected her parents when she took your name on marriage, and gave up her maiden name? It would be a very odd and unusual way to see it.

I will confess I took my DH's name on marriage, and I sometimes regret it now, and have reverted to sometimes using my maiden name. It is no reflection on DH at all, I love him, but it feels like his name, not mine.

Don't feel offended, this is not your issue. Look at it this way, people who are happy and at easy with themselves rarely feel the need to do this, she is troubled and need your support, not your approval.

And by the way, you think it was right of her to take your name, it should go the other way, too. Don't you think?

I sort of understand your feeling of rejection, but she doesn't sound happy.

Society has changed a lot over 15yrs. It is much more socially acceptable now to have a different surname as a married woman. Why would you have been offended 15yrs ago if she had not taken your name? Why is it important that she has 'your' name rather than you take 'her' name or make up a third name? See if you can answer those questions without saying that it is traditional.

I think you can choose to take this personally, but if there are no other signs that she is rejecting you, then its unwise to focus on this. If there other signs that she is rejecting you then the name is just a distraction. Ultimately, its entirely up to her, and if she has been open with you that she actually dislikes her name and the dislike is getting worse, then I guess you could put an ultimatum down and make her keep it, but that would be a bit of a dick move imo

I would take this personally and worry that by changing her entire name she is trying to distance herself from her previous self (and that would include her marriage).
I would encourage her to have a bit more therapy before she does anything drastic and tell her that by doing this it feels like she is rejecting/distancing herself from you.
Its o.k for you to want to be considered. It is a joint marriage.

Dontcarewhatimdoing - I don't think you can equate ditching a maiden name when getting married (which is a tradition) with ditching your partners name when already married (which isn't). If you think about it, the whole thing is absurd (one partner taking the other partners name seems somewhat at odds with principles of equality in a modern society), but an absurdity common throughout society is a pretty good definition of "tradition", I think!

Ticklingcheese (based on which I should consider you an expert in names - awesome!) - if at the time we were married she indicated a wish for us to abandon our birth names and choose a name together, then I would have considered that (and probably proposed double barrelling to keep a name that does mean something to me). Equally I'd have accepted her keeping her maiden name. But to take it, and later reject it, particularly in the context of our other issues, does feel to me to be a rejection of me.

Look if she wants the new name as a way of moving further away from you, then you objecting to it isn't going to bring her any closer is it? Try the other tack and embrace it wholeheartedly. If her therapy is leading to her changing things about her life and developing as a person, just make sure you are one of the things she wants to move on with her.

Hi TheBrockmans,

Your questions would be 100% on the money if she had not already taken my name. I have absolutely zero defence for the principle of a wife taking her husbands name, beyond the fact that it is a cute and harmless tradition.

Can I ask a question in return? If a couple express to you that one of them taking the name of the other was a meaningful gesture for them, would you challenge them that it is actually meaningful? The point here is that an action that is meaningful at a given time does not lose its original meaning later just because, at a later time it would not have any meaning.

An example. I had all of my children christened in a church. This seemed meaningful at the time as my wife's family was very religious, and I was fairly agnostic. All these years later I am now a hardened atheist. There is no way in the world that I would now have my children christened, as it would be hypocritical, but that doesn't take away from the fact it was meaningful at the time, and I certainly wouldn't seek to "unchristen" them (is that even a thing?!) now, just because now it wouldn't be meaningful.

Let's take another tradition - wedding rings. If we had exchanged rings, and my wife now decided that "its nothing personal, but I don't want to be defined by wearing a wedding ring". Obviously she is entitled to do that, but it is still a rejection of the symbolism associated with exchanging rings. You can dismiss that as meaningless if you like, but that kind of logic ultimately ends in everything being meaningless.

This is making you uncomfortable - how much thought did you give 15 years ago to whether your wife to be was comfortable with the change?

Honestly - I think you need to accept that this is not about you. I personally don’t think there’s any difference between making the decision at the time you get married and several years later, and although you’re saying you’d have considered it at the time of marriage, that’s easy to say now and your reaction at the time may have been very different.

Support your wife unless she’s given you any ACTUAL reason to feel rejected other than to confess that your name doesn’t feel like ‘her’.

I think you have to support her whatever she decides she needs to do.

But I agree with you that I too would feel rejected and it would hurt my feelings. I changed my name to my husbands when we married, but if he wanted to change his name and not have the same surname as our children and I, yes, I would feel sad. I think you’re entitled to your feelings. I don’t know there is much you can do about it other than just talking to her about how you feel.

I think if this is all coming out now because of being in therapy and a lot of emotional upheaval, I can see how it might be something to sit on for a bit to make sure she is really sure that’s what she wants. I don’t think you can do much more than talk about it and offer her support though.

rock I'm sorry, if you have a lot of other issues, I can see your point. But I will maintain that she doesn't sound happy at all. Perhaps that is what you should be addressing, the namechange just being a symptom.

Re. My username it is actually a wordplay with my native language 🤣.

But best of luck, it doesn't sound easy.

I don’t think a woman being socially obliged to lose her identity upon marriage is either cute or harmless.

I haven’t taken my husbands surname or “married name” as I don’t think that’s fair on my line of the family either since I’m THEIR daughter and not a possession of my husband. I’d rather keep my seperate identity while married..

However I totally understand that it feels weird to do that after 15 years especially with the history of tension you mentioned. Try not to take it personally it’s possible she felt pressured to take your surname and wasn’t really convinced..

We are all attached to our surnames and it feels very derogatory that you are forced to give it up for not upsetting husband.a

But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me.I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line
Oh please!
Bring out the violins - and sick bucket!

Quite frankly - suck it up buttercup.
This is her name and her identity and you haven'y exactly given a shit about that until now.
You were happy for her to 'lose' her identity by taking your surname, you didn't step forward with the suggestion of double barelling did you?

As with all patriarchal arses, you didn't give her name/identity even a moment's consideration when you effectively took it off her.
Now that she's woken up to herself and wants to assert her identity you make it all about yourself!

Grow up!

YABU on the surname! And indeed both. Her business to decide what she’s called.

I regret changing my name on marriage, on principle, because I preferred my old name and am not keen on my married one. Very very few men change their surname.

But why do you not think you can equate the two? If you take out tradition, it is exactly he same thing. Maybe she has had enough of blindly following tradition, and wants to reject outdated traditions and choose her own name. You seem happy that things should be done because they are traditional, without giving any thought to why. Do you have the same view of FGM, etc which are also traditional, but very clearly wrong and harmful.

I would argue that it is not a "cute and harmless tradition" that women's names are seen as less important, and men's names should always take precedence. For what its worth, I did give up wearing a wedding ring after a few years of being married, it made not one jot of difference to DH, or to our relationship. All these things are only important if people think they are, which is personal choice.