Wife wants to change her first name and surname

[Rockandahardplaice]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My wife has never liked her first name - she thinks it is too common (I personally think it's fine, but obviously she is entitled to feel the way she feels). She is now thinking of changing it. This would make me quite sad, because my "pet" name for her (which she does like) is based on her actual name, and wouldn't make any sense if she changed her name.

However, this is just background really. The real issue is that she told me today that she wants to change her surname (married name) as well. We have been married about 15 years.

She says that she has never liked the surname, no-one can spell it, and she thinks of it as a really ugly part of herself which she hates more and more as time goes by. She is currently going to therapy a couple of times a week, and I suppose you could say she is on a voyage of facing properly a number of issues in her life, which has resulted in a number of changes to her attitude on certain things. I guess this is one of them.

I'll freely admit that our surname doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it is not an offensive name, and correcting people on spelling occasionally has never caused me any serious problems in life. If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended, but would have accepted it. But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me. In other words, a part of me she was happy to accept 15 years ago, she is not willing to accept now.

She has tried to soften the blow by saying I could change my name too. But I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line. She knows this, so it feels like quite an empty offer.

I've googled this issue, and although there is plenty of advice for husbands-to-be (usually that its only a tradition, and if the wife-to-be doesn't want to take your name, so be it), there is nothing for established married couples where the wife wants to ditch the surname she has already taken.

It feels like a massive rejection of me, although she assures me it is just the name she is rejecting and not me. However, this all comes on the back of several quite difficult years in our relationship, from which we are only just starting to recover, and the last few years (until recently) have been characterised by her rejection of me and distancing from me in a number of ways, so this ends up just feeling like another - whether it is or not.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or insights, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

OP, instead of making this all about you, how about actually listening to what your wife has to say about her choices and decisions?

Why does one partner have to go along with a huge change instigated by the other partner?

The wife wants to totally reinvent herself, change her name totally and the answer from some posters is for the OP to go along with her? What if he likes his name, likes what that means for him? Why does he need to change it to a random name that his wife dreams up, just because that's what she wants to do?

If a woman posted on here that her husband was changing his name and wanted her to change hers too would you all tell her to go along with him?

DecomposingComposers, by the sounds of things the wife only suggested that the OP also change his name as some kind of compromise because he's not happy with her changing her name.

She wants to change her own name.

Maybe so but I'm just a bit at some posters telling OP that's what he should be doing to support his wife.

Does she want to change her surname back to her pre married name, or have something entirely new ?

If just wanting to regain some of her old identity - then I think that is probably fine - I felt very deprived of part of my identity when I gave up my surname, like I had lost part of myself and I wished I hadn't changed it. I also started getting letters addressed to Mrs B (husbands intitial) Married Surname - so it felt like one of the most important parts of my identity - my name - had been eliminated.
It may be your wife feels this way - and that this is her way of trying to feel more whole as a person - that doesn't mean she is rejecting you, but she is making a positive choice and decision for and about herself.

On the other hand - if she is changing her name completely to something it has never been before (and possibly something slightly mad - I had a friend who changed her entire name to that of an animal) coupled with the tattoos, that suggests she is rethinking her whole identity (rather than enhancing an identity which has become blurred) - also known as a mid life crisis - more commonly found in men - and you may have reason to worry.

Talk to her about it - unjudgingly - and find out why she wants the change (it could be as simple as 'I don't like my surname and thought I might as well change my first name as well as I've never much liked that either) no reason you can't still use the pet name- pet names don't need to make sense.

I am torn OP. If your wife truly has decided this name change is needed to free her identity, you probably need to support her.

I would say, as a married woman myself, that at the start of marriage and kids you just can’t know the many ways your identity can get eroded - not by fault of your partner necessarily - mine is a peach! - but by wider forces that just make you Mum and Wife in a way that I am not sure happens to married men. So I do sort of get that a woman might want to do something to symbolically shake that up with a name change. I didn’t personally change my name and have always been Ms but I do think I would feel more rather than less weird now all these years later if I had changed it, due to all of the other crap being a mum with kids brings. I still, despite the non name change, get letters to me with Mrs [dh christian and surname] and i find it sinister.

Having said all that, changing both of your names will cause a lot of questions and practical problems for your family and is deeply unusual. If one of my friends or DH did it, i would want to know what was going on and might be concerned they were having a breakdown of sorts. I’d understand it for cultural reasons, moving towards or away from a culture - I vaguely know somebody who was adopted, given English names and changed both names to reflect their African heritage - that seemed pretty understandable. But what’s really in a name for your wife? What’s she moving away from or towards and why will a name help that? What does it mean for your relationship?

In other words think you owe her acceptance but she owes you clarity. Can’t you get joint counselling?

@Quintella How can a surname be described as a "significant part of (a woman's) identity"? That's ludicrous.

Er, because that's what a name is, an identifier, part of one's identity. Next to no men change their name when they marry. Most of them would blink in bafflement at the very suggestion. Because they're strongly wedded (excuse the pun) to their name as being an unmovable part of their identity, as society has told them it should be. Bet you don't find that ludicrous.

@shiveringtimber

Surely on a very basic level, your name is your identity?

I'm in the process of buying a property, and had to provide the lawyer with three documents as proof of identity - each had to include my name!

Glad to see a PP has already linked to that excellent metal load thingy.

OP I think the distinction between it being somehow tolerable for her to have stuck with her maiden name but a slap in the face for her to revert later is entirely a construct in your own mind. In my 18 years of marriage, my only regret really is that I gave up my maiden name too readily. If your wife is uncomfortable with her current name why on earth would she have an obligation to keep it because she's been married 15 years? If she developed a reaction to her wedding ring, would you expect her to carry on wearing it just because she made a commitment to do so 15 years ago? Of course not. I can't see in the slightest see how it would be more offensive to reject it now than it would have been 15 years ago. Just respect her and her choices.

Or maybe try taking her name for 15 years and see how you feel after that. Until you've walked a mile in her shoes, & all that...

Agree with you OP
I think it all sounds a bit odd.

I had a friend who changed her first name in her 50s .i had no trouble using her new name but 15 years on it still seems false.
She was quite an odd person anyway.

You sound nice and thoughtful , by the way

*mental load, not metal load... if it were a metal load, maybe it would be badged a "blue job"

This is why I always advise women who are "not sure" about changing their surname on marriage, to get married first, wait for a year or two and then decide.

Because if a woman doesn't change her surname, she can always change it later if she decides she wants to ("Sorry, everyone, just to let you know I am belatedly changing my surname, was too busy to get round to it before...") Whereas if she changes it first and THEN changes her mind, it create butthurt and a lot of people will assume the marriage is on the rocks.

OP, I understand it feels weird, but I think you need to respect your wife's feelings on this.

I, for one, was relieved and delighted to take my XH's name when we married because it meant I could legitimately part with my clumsy double-barreled surname, which was forced on me by my over-enthusiastic mother when she married my stepfather and decided I should take his surname as well as that of my father.

If you hated it, why didn't you change it when you turned 18 etc.? It is not that hard to change your name by deed poll, and what if you had never got married or had got married much later in life? Life is too short to be stuck with a horrible surname, but do it for yourself rather than using a man as an excuse.

A surname is an identifier, not an identity.

I said part of a woman's identity. Because it is.

Imagine arguing that a woman's name doesn't form part of her identity. Christ on a bike.

A woman's surname, not name @Quintella. There's quite a difference. Except in the case of royalty and aristocracy, I really don't see^^ how relevant a surname is to identity, male or female. I am not my name; it doesn't describe my personality, achievements, beliefs, intelligence, etc.

Then why exactly were you so annoyed when your mother changed your surname and so relieved to change it when you got married?

I really don't see how relevant a surname is to identity

Can't you see what a nonsense statement that is? Our name, first name + surname, is our identity before personality, achievements, beliefs, intelligence etc. even assert themselves.

You can attempt to rationalise reasons why you don't agree with it or think it's necessary or is hurtful and so on OP (though your 'logic' is deeply flawed on some counts). It is very easy to make an argument for or against anything if you try, your ability to do so therefore does not draw a conclusion. Your bias appears to be hindering you from realising that what it boils down to is that it's not about you, it's about her, her reasons if she feels them, are valid. It is theoretically not in keeping with marriage vows to not support a partner, or turn on them when they don't agree.

Again- you may attach certain emotions and virtues to a name, she is not obligated to share them. She is entitled to change her mind over a period of time on any issue- this is not a betrayal- you are separate individuals, there is no agreement that her opinions remain in stasis as long as she is your wife. I'm not sure what guilting her will achieve when you could support her instead. After all the notion of male surnames as priority, as with most marital 'tradition' has it's roots in sexism.

For what its worth, I changed both names a number of years ago, as an unmarried woman (by choice, I do not wish to be married) I had never identified with, or felt comfortable with my given name, or the family association. I spent years and years deliberating and it really affected me, the weight of family members alleged hurt feelings and my 'rejection' of names 'we chose' and so on. It weighed very heavily and I really resent them for it. Changing names was one of the most positive decisions I made,entirely for myself- I no longer feel a barrage of negative feelings or embarrassment when I hear my name spoken aloud or see it on paper. It may be a relatively unusual solution to your wife's problem but if it suits her and is harmless (which it is) why is it you would rather her be unhappy to please you?

People who inadvertently find out are always really amused that my original names were totally inconspicuous, and my new ones are as well. I chose very common names, I didn't really care what it even was I changed to- i just didn't want the old ones any longer as they brought up painful emotions. For me it was about choosing my own name, not being controlled by controlling family, and seeking that out. I wouldn't change it again if I did decide to marry. I wish to 'belong' to myself, and for me, a name is a part of that arrangement. For others it isn't, but for your DW it is and I would pour your efforts into honouring that as a loving partner would, and getting over yourself if necessary to do so, even if that presents a challenge.

For others it isn't, but for your DW it is and I would pour your efforts into honouring that as a loving partner would, and getting over yourself if necessary to do so, even if that presents a challenge.

Why is it only the wife's feelings that matter though? Why doesn't she need to pour her efforts into honouring him as a loving partner would, and get over herself even if it presents a challenge?

I don't think the name change per se is important. What matters is why the wife wants to do it. What is she saying by doing this? Why does she want a different name to her husband and children?

I don't think that as partners we have to support everything our spouses do. The OP has every right to re evaluate his relationship and decide what he wants to do. There is something else going on with his wife - how many people just decide to change their name like this unless there is a reason?

Because it is the wife’s feelings that matter with regard to her own name. I’m not aware that she is demanding her husband change his.
He was quite happy for her feelings to be less important than his 15 years ago.
I agree this could be a sign of something more but in all honesty if she was planning on leaving anyway she would have found it easier to do the name change afterwards.

I think you’re over reacting. What about people in show business for example? Julia Roberts never takes the guys name. Some people just have one name. Cher. Pink. Would you feel the same if she was a multi millionairess from her trademark name? Would you care then that she had the same name as you? What about everybody in academia who is published? They may have a published name that they use professionally which is their trademark. I think you’re being a bit precious about something that is her decision and doesn’t really have to have a big drama lama attached to it. You stated that your father would be upset because it’s the end of the family line? Meh. Ridiculous. Any kids you have can have your surname. This whole thing is a non issue if you try and chill out a bit. It could be fun. Makes for a great dinner party story.

@dragonway you need to set your dinner party story bar a bit higher
'I changed my name'
'Why?'
'Didn't like it'

Fin