Wife wants to change her first name and surname

[Rockandahardplaice]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My wife has never liked her first name - she thinks it is too common (I personally think it's fine, but obviously she is entitled to feel the way she feels). She is now thinking of changing it. This would make me quite sad, because my "pet" name for her (which she does like) is based on her actual name, and wouldn't make any sense if she changed her name.

However, this is just background really. The real issue is that she told me today that she wants to change her surname (married name) as well. We have been married about 15 years.

She says that she has never liked the surname, no-one can spell it, and she thinks of it as a really ugly part of herself which she hates more and more as time goes by. She is currently going to therapy a couple of times a week, and I suppose you could say she is on a voyage of facing properly a number of issues in her life, which has resulted in a number of changes to her attitude on certain things. I guess this is one of them.

I'll freely admit that our surname doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it is not an offensive name, and correcting people on spelling occasionally has never caused me any serious problems in life. If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended, but would have accepted it. But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me. In other words, a part of me she was happy to accept 15 years ago, she is not willing to accept now.

She has tried to soften the blow by saying I could change my name too. But I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line. She knows this, so it feels like quite an empty offer.

I've googled this issue, and although there is plenty of advice for husbands-to-be (usually that its only a tradition, and if the wife-to-be doesn't want to take your name, so be it), there is nothing for established married couples where the wife wants to ditch the surname she has already taken.

It feels like a massive rejection of me, although she assures me it is just the name she is rejecting and not me. However, this all comes on the back of several quite difficult years in our relationship, from which we are only just starting to recover, and the last few years (until recently) have been characterised by her rejection of me and distancing from me in a number of ways, so this ends up just feeling like another - whether it is or not.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or insights, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

Ok seeing how she isn’t reverting back to her maiden name but instead coming up with s totally new random one then I understand your feeling of rejection.

But I think she just doesn’t like both surnames. But yeh I think that’s a drastic move and a bit offensive

If my husband came home and said he no longer wanted to be John Doe but Peter Smith and started totally changing his physical image, I'd have a conversation (well many) to find out what was behind this, what was driving this complete change and be completely supportive, as these changes are clearly all about him and how how he feels and i would want to understand this, as he is my life partner.

My first thought would not be to assume my marriage was in trouble, because i would know already if it was on shaky ground.

From your earlier comments, you say your marriage has been rocky, so what are you (both) doing to improve things? Are these things working? Do you talk to your wife about these issues?

To me the 2 things aren't linked.
On the one hand, your marriage needs work - so work on it.
On the other hand, your wife wants to change her name, so support her.

I had hoped the focus would be mostly on "what is going on with our marriage" and "does it mean anything for our relationship that she wants to do that, particularly in the context of other changes" - everything else is relatively trivial.

OP, you already said the name wasn't trivial, you've said over and over that it has meaning, that it symbolizes something important, that you feel that it is a clear rejection of you for her to no longer want her name to include that - hence why you and others are focusing on it.

The changes probably mean something, probably quite a few things in how she wants to move forward in life, but there is no way for any of us to tell how it relates to your marriage and no, it doesn't automatically mean something horrible for your relationship. You are assuming the worst of her and I can't understand why. If she really wanted a break from you, why would she have even offered the olive branch - no matter how unlikely it was to be taken - at all? She doesn't need your permission to change her name, the fact she's including you and is trying to come up with something to make it easier for you is a good sign I think. I understand wanting to discuss it with her and explore that more as others have said it appears to be out of the blue (though having worked on my name change for over a decade and still had family who thought it was sudden, it can be hard to tell how much it is), I don't get how we're meant to diagnose a relationship based on things that could have dozens of different roots.

As I asked before, would you make the same negative assumptions if it was one of the kids with "your name" (actually their name) that chose to change it? If they refused to carry on the line? Sure, talk to her about it, but you're going to need to put your negative assumptions that this is somehow a dig at you and "your line" (which is a big part in having helped continue if that is so important to you) aside if you hope to get anywhere.

You keep going on about "your name", but her name is hers even if your surnames have been the same for a while now. Constantly making it about your name/your line/your family isn't going help. Honestly, from reading everything, it reads to me like a very common story I hear from many women who feel they've lost themselves to their communities or in their marriage and to children and in helping facilitate their family's lives or lives within their community and struggle to get back and find the pieces of themselves. Some do that with new jobs and haircuts, some with tattoos and piercings, some with a title or name changes. It doesn't automatically mean something negative towards them or the past, but sometimes we want to carve part of our lives and futures for ourselves. You'd have to ask her about that.

OP, I said earlier that you are making this all about you when really it’s not - it’s about your wife, her names, her decisions. You need to listen to her to understand what this means for her. And in your listening, set aside any thoughts of this being “your” name, or a rejection of you.

This about your wife. She’s not deciding to change her first and surnames on a whim, you know she’s in therapy and clearly she’s been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking about her own life and what it means to be her!

For what it’s worth, when I married for the second time I took my husband’s name. We have now been divorced for almost three times as long as we we were married and I haven’t changed my name. And it is now my name, not his name. I kept it for various reasons, some practical and professional, but also because the difficulties of the marriage and subsequent divorce had changed me. I am no longer the person I was with my previous name. I’ve thought about choosing a completely different name, but to be honest, I’m not bothered enough for all the hassle.

You are one who is making this about rejection, about you, about your marriage. Your wife is making a positive statement about herself! Ask her and listen to her!

Jeez maybe just stop making a fuss about the name. If you feel confident about your marriage, then the name thing shouldn't make that much of a difference--people do sometimes change their names entirely partway through life (not just because they're getting married). That in itself doesn't change the person she is.

I'd be more concerned about the fact that your wife is apparently dealing with some serious emotional shit if she's realized she needs to reinvent herself so much that she's gotten several tattoos in a short period of time and is going to change her name. Don't take it as a personal rejection, but look at the wider context of her life and your shared lives. Be a good partner to her and take good care of yourself emotionally and just have a conversation with her about it FFS.

Why dont you both take her maiden name?

Or just you take her maiden name?

If you don't would you consider it a massive rejection of her?

Slightly off topic but was anyone else aware you'd have to have your husband's permission to do this?! 😲😲

If you want to fix your marriage start acting in a loving way towards her. Today.

Do MORE THAN your share of housework and childcare. Take on half the wifework. Put down your phone and spend time with her doing things she enjoys.

Why? Why does the OP need to act in a loving way towards his wife but she doesn't need to act in a loving way towards him?

Why does he need to do more than his far share of housework etc? Why shouldn't it be equal within the relationship, both doing their share and both supporting each other?

If the OP came home saying he'd bought a sports car, had his ear pierced and was going to join a rock band would you all be telling his wife to get on board and whole heartedly support him, or would you be telling her that he's having a mid life crisis and needs to give his head a wobble?

OP - it seems odd to me
That said maybe her total reinvention includes you or it maybe it doesn't, either way whether she changes her name wont affect the outcome.

Have you asked her what each her tattoo’s symbolise? What they mean to her. ?
That might give you a clue as to where her head is.

Otherwise it seems nobody has picked random names out of at hat mid marriage before so sadly no one can really help you with you main concern.

My advice is let her crack on and sed what happens. Not that helpful i know.

I think the idea of her changing her surname and first name does raise some red flags. Does she feel bonded to the marriage?

If my dh wanted to change his surname I would be a bit hurt and concerned about his commitment to our family. Even though I changed my name to his in the first place I now consider it my own name and our family name. I would take some convincing its not the case that the next thing he decides to change might be ending the marriage.

onatree but she doesn’t want to go back to her maiden name, she wants a whole new first and last name.

I was so looking forward to having dh's name as my maiden name had to be spelled out each time... unfortunately people can't cope with dh's common name either so the spelling thing in reality is nonsense. Even Smith can be spelled in alternative ways.

justchecking1 I changed my name by deed the same day I filed for divorce, using the same solicitor. It took about three weeks in total. The authenticated Deed was accepted everywhere - bank, nhs, HMRC. My divorce wasn't finalised until four years later.

Is it me or this one of those threads where the OP gets less and less sympathetic every time they open their mouth?

No, it's one of those threads where some posters don't read what the OP writes and instead take the basics and make up their own story in which the man is lazy, borderline abusive/controlling, sexist and uncommunicative. When OP corrects the story or expands on it, it's taken as further evidence for the false narrative.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE BACK TO HER MAIDEN NAME, as some posters seem to think. SHE WANTS TO TAKE NEW FIRST AND LAST NAMES. This is not about a woman kicking back against the patriarchy by rejecting her husband's last name.* This is a woman having some sort of identity change and the OP is worried - not unreasonably, as he doesn't know what else she's planning to change.

• Although, reverting to her maiden name would still involve taking a man's surname. It'd just be her dad's instead of her husband's. That patriarchy's certainly well-established.

@ThatLibraryMiss
Thank you!!
I mean it’s like reading some kind of odd mad rant from a load of fucking angry crazies

Aren’t you a charmer)

@Mayday19
Me or the op who was genuinely upset and worried that his wife wanted a totally new name different from his or their children. And never actually said she shouldn’t do it. But was just concerned there was more meaning behind it.

I know a woman who changed her first name twice. Firstly to a similar name to her birth name and then to an entirely different one. The reason was because she wanted to distance herself from her parents.
Has your dw said anything about distancing herself from her childhood?
It's difficult to give an opinion without any further information.
Her name is her name and she can call herself what ever she chooses, however I do understand how disconcerting it is.

@Weezol did you have to supply a letter from your ex husband saying he didn't mind? Or is it one of those things that never gets checked?

reverting to her maiden name would still involve taking a man's surname. It'd just be her dad's instead of her husband's.

This is such a stupid argument, it is so frustrating that people keep bringing it up, especially when they use it as an argument in favour of taking the husband's name.

It is HER name the one she was born with, it is her identity. It doesn't matter where it originally came from and it may not have been her dad's because there is no law saying children have to have their father's surname.

As midlife crisis goes, changing your names seems fairly harmless. Just be gentle with her OP.

Thank you to those who have contributed thoughtfully and sensitively on this subject. I found your input to be really helpful. A number of posts urged caution, which seemed to validate my initial panic over this, but other posts, some of which were from people who have changed their name for reasons not totally dissimilar to the reasons given by my wife, gave me some reassurance that it is not automatically a death knell to our marriage.

For those interested, we spoke at length about this last night. I explained that I consider it her absolute right to choose the names she wishes to go by, but that in the context of everything that has happened between us over the past few years it is very difficult not to be spooked by her taking the step of no longer using our married name. She understood how it could feel that way, and ensured me that it really is about her, and her alone, building the identity for herself that she wants. I believe her.

I think she is very set on changing her first name, and suspect she will do that soon. On her surname, she wants to think through it a little more. I passed on the suggestion made by some here that she could always "try out" a new name before adopting it formally. She said she has been doing so already, to a limited degree - for example with random people she meets and also her therapist.

Thanks also to those who responded less sensitively - while not overly helpful to my specific issues, I certainly learnt a lot about attitudes towards marriage traditions. I must admit I hadn't thought very much about how the very existence of those traditions might be anathema to those offended by their origins. We had an interesting chat about that last night too (I raised the issue) - although my wife is probably less of a feminist than I am, so she really wasn't very interested in the question of whether or not she should have taken my name in the first place on ideological grounds.

Thanks again everyone.

I can see why you are upset. So dont think you ABU

justchecking1 No, he had zero input, nor did the solictor suggest he should. It never occurred to me that he had any say in the matter. None if the government institutions or banks queried anything.

I also dealt with name changes (for over 18's) in a professional capicity (HR, IT and Mortgage underwiting in a regulated banking environment) for over ten years. Certified 'signed as seen true copy' deeds from solicitors were accepted without any question as to whether the individual was married, divorced, adopted etc. It would be considered unprofessional and possibly discriminatory to ask a client why they were changing their name.

I'm not sure of the source of your info, but it bears no resemblance to my experience at all.