Wife wants to change her first name and surname

[Rockandahardplaice]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My wife has never liked her first name - she thinks it is too common (I personally think it's fine, but obviously she is entitled to feel the way she feels). She is now thinking of changing it. This would make me quite sad, because my "pet" name for her (which she does like) is based on her actual name, and wouldn't make any sense if she changed her name.

However, this is just background really. The real issue is that she told me today that she wants to change her surname (married name) as well. We have been married about 15 years.

She says that she has never liked the surname, no-one can spell it, and she thinks of it as a really ugly part of herself which she hates more and more as time goes by. She is currently going to therapy a couple of times a week, and I suppose you could say she is on a voyage of facing properly a number of issues in her life, which has resulted in a number of changes to her attitude on certain things. I guess this is one of them.

I'll freely admit that our surname doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it is not an offensive name, and correcting people on spelling occasionally has never caused me any serious problems in life. If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended, but would have accepted it. But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me. In other words, a part of me she was happy to accept 15 years ago, she is not willing to accept now.

She has tried to soften the blow by saying I could change my name too. But I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line. She knows this, so it feels like quite an empty offer.

I've googled this issue, and although there is plenty of advice for husbands-to-be (usually that its only a tradition, and if the wife-to-be doesn't want to take your name, so be it), there is nothing for established married couples where the wife wants to ditch the surname she has already taken.

It feels like a massive rejection of me, although she assures me it is just the name she is rejecting and not me. However, this all comes on the back of several quite difficult years in our relationship, from which we are only just starting to recover, and the last few years (until recently) have been characterised by her rejection of me and distancing from me in a number of ways, so this ends up just feeling like another - whether it is or not.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or insights, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

Laniakea - it is now quite common not to take a name on marriage - I don't think the social pressure you speak of is terribly strong these days - at least not in the UK. It is quite common for things which were historically required (bad) to become things which are simply traditional (good, or at least neutral). Tradition does not imply obligation, it's the thing that keeps things happening when obligation disappears. I am sorry if your experience has been so negative in this regard.

I don't think any patriarchal traditions are cute and harmless. Maybe for you as a man but for women they have always been tied to ownership and a lack of agency.

Your wife is clearly going through a hard time and is trying to take steps to improve her life.
You're throwing a strop and making it all about you.

As you said, this is not about your actual name at all.

It sounds like she is trying to completely reinvent herself. A whole new name and a whole new surname? Not even to revert back to the old one?

So it's not about reclaiming past identity - it's about trying a new one on for size.

The danger is.... Where does this all lead? Are you going to be part of this new identity at all?

Or is Regina Phalange or whomever going to decide that she needs a new single life too?

Particularly if she's effectively been rejecting you for years. You say "until recently" but the resurgence could be a sort of reactive bonding in response to new vulnerability unearthed through her therapy. In other words, it may be more about her than your marriage. And that's dangerous as it means once the vulnerable period has passed, she may not need the bonding anymore.

Are you going to couples counselling? I hope so, as otherwise all these decisions that may really affect you are going to be made without you getting much of a heads up.

Has someone seriously just equated the "tradition" of FGM to the "tradition" of exchanging wedding rings or taking each other's names?

That's a pretty disgusting suggestion.

Well, you’ve two choices really, either you accept the fact that she wants to change her name, or you leave. Her name is her own choice and she is entitled to it.

The first thing I did when I left my ex was change my name back. I’d wanted to do it for ages because I regretted giving it up but it was only after I left that I felt able to do it. I’m quite attached to my name. It’s not a particularly interesting name but it’s important to me. I wouldn’t, and didn’t, feel like me without it. It actually makes more of a difference than you think, for me at least.

So why not just support her in choosing her new name? The fact that your name is important to you means that a name is also important to her, so why aren’t you allowing her that?

I’m not into the idea of women giving up their surname for their husband’s at all, but I can see why you’re suddenly feeling uneasy. It’s certainly very unusual for someone to change their surname after 15 years of marriage unless they’ve separated from their spouse.

Why disgusting, you seemed to be saying if it is tradition, that is the way it should be, I was just pointing out that traditions can be bloody awful, and shouldn't be followed blindly.

After 15 years it is no longer 'your' name, it is 'her' name too.

If you divorced she would be entitled to keep her name as it is. She likely isn't seeing the name as an extension of you, but as a statement of who she is. She evidently feels that the name clearly doesn't suit her, in the same way that her first name doesn't feel like 'her'.

I can't say I wouldn't feel a bit hurt at a partner choosing to change a name that linked us together as a family, but unless there's significant backstory, you need to let it go. It isn't a rational feeling, because it isn't about you. A name is deeply personal. It's about her, what she's going through, and the realisations she is making about herself.

I can understand how it must feel rather strange after 15 years of marriage that she wants to change her name, but it sounds like her issues run very deep, she's working things out and needs a change with the new person she is identifying to be, through the counselling.

I took my ex husbands name when we married purely because I always hated my surname. I liked his and kept it, even after divorce. However, I am now in a new phase of my life and would like to change my name again. I mainly kept my ex's surname for our DC when we split, for convenience. So, personally I wouldn't change my name back to my maiden name as I have NC with my father and negative emotional connection to the maiden name. I'm looking to take on a new surname, for me alone, but with connections to my grandmother instead.

You said your relationship has been through difficulties and you see this as another way she is distancing from you? I'd agree with one of the PP that you should probably both attend counselling as a couple. It sounds like those issues are not resolved. The changing of her name may not be personal to you at all. If she took on your name just to please you 15 years ago, that's a long time to resent that choice.

Maybe ask her if she would consider double barrelling the surname or both doing it? Then its something you do together

You would have had no business being offended by her refusing to take on your name at marriage, nor is the tradition "cute and harmless" for goodness' sake!

On the current issue though, I can see your point. Given the context it must feel more than a simple feeling of not fancying a name, she sounds like she sees it as a way of shaping a new identity so like you I would fear it is a rejection, that you are part of the identity she wants to shed.

But it need not be, she may just feel she needs a new name to be a new person, and this may have nothing to do with rejecting you. If you care about the relationship you must support her. It also worries me that these gimmicks rarely work, and she may be disappointed that she is not a new person just by changing a name, in the end, a rose by any other name...

Re your story with christening your children, as you say, whether something is meaningful can change over time. You found it meaningful then but don't now. What would your wife's religious family think if they knew that - the best thing they could do is try to accept it despite their own views on it. Same with your wife's name, you are having trouble coming to terms with it, but presumably your wife doesn't have the same views about the meaning of taking a name (or, not any more) and other factors weigh more heavily with her. Yes you could say everything is meaningless in the end and many people change over time and think/feel about things differently.

The issue isn’t her changing her name. It’s her changing her name after 15 years of marriage and as a result of whatever she’s going through that needs therapy. Many people do split up during therapy and if there are other signs (reduced sex / affection, her seeing new people etc) then it’s possible she’s either having an affair or considering it.

I am happily married and I wish I had never changed my name. I don’t hate my married name enough to go through all the palaver of changing it back now though - including how upset DH (not to mention PIL) would be.

OP you can be hurt and upset but ultimately it is her decision.

My partner's mother changed her first and last names some years ago. Still married, still happy living with her husband. Surely that's what counts: love, happiness, being together, supporting each other. Isn't that more important than tradition?

I understand your feelings and they are valid, however if your go to response is to be rejected, disappointed pedantic and disapproving then this is not a relationship of equals. You are viewing her as a child who is not being rational, rather than as an adult woman with the right to make her own decisions about her name. It's up to you what you do, ie change your name, leave the relationship, but you should be clear that you respect her choice whatever it is.

Do you have any children? I'm assuming you would have mentioned them if you did have but thought I'd check!

What does she say when you express your feelings? It's fine if she doesn't like it but she should've said so 15 years ago.

If it's just the two of you it feels harsh for her to change her name to something that's not your family name

Changing your name as you evolve as a person is pretty normal in other parts of the world/cultures anyway.
Native American Indians can have quite a few names throughout their life, changing them when they reach adolescence or other physical/spiritual juncture in their lives.
Names are used to assert and celebrate a person's achievements/identity rather instead of just being a descriptive term for an object of possession.

newmomof1 - we have three children, and she said she wouldn't change their names, just her own. Two of them are old enough that they would probably be extremely annoyed at having to change their names anyway! The other one would be fine as long as it had something to do with puppies or unicorns!

SavingSpaces - I don't get this "descriptive term for an object or possession". Surely the point is to share a married name, not that it means one person owns the other? This is the 21st century!!

Interesting point about the cultural significance of names. I have a (very small) American indian heritage (Cherokee), but it is certainly not reflected in my name!

Eva - of course I accept she has the right to decide.

I have the right to feel hurt or rejected, and to question whether the change of name has a deeper significance.

I fail to see how me feeling hurt means that this is not a relationship of equals. If I were to try to stop her, it would mean that - but surely the fact I'm posting on here in the first place shows that I'm trying to understand rather than bully her into not changing her name.

Once she picks her new surname, you could just change your surname to that name and you would have the same surname if it is that important to you.

I agree with saving spaces, 'suck it up buttercup' etc! But might have put it slightly less bluntly!
I kept my surname however my children have their dad's surname despite my wishes. I try not to think about it because when I do it makes me hate him.
It's all patriarchal nonsense which is hopefully starting to break down a bit.
Just support her, her name her wishes.

OP- your analogy of the religious/atheist/christening thing applies as much to your wife as to you. 15 years ago, you were happy to christen your children. You would not do that now. 15 years ago, your wife was happy to take your name. But now that isn't working for her. I know you say that you can't "unchristian" your children, but while that might be true technically, I assume that as you've become more atheist, even the simplest of religious activities have fallen by the wayside and the fact that your children were christened has become even more irrelevant?

I'd be more concerned if your wife is trying to create an entirely new identity for herself with the name just being a symptom. But she assures you she's not so I think this one you have to let go.

And the pet name can stay surely? It doesn't have to be obvious where it came from. As my sister called me an old childish nickname the other day, my DD was confused. But I just explained it's what Auntie Mary called me when I was little. And we all moved on.

I’m actually considering doing this.

I married young, had kids and didn’t give myself much thought.

Kids are older now and I’m not mom anymore, I’m myself and I don’t like being called Mrs .

My marriage has never been better so it’s not about us it’s just me. My plan is once youngest child turns 18 I’ll switch back to my maiden name. Hadn’t considered a new name, in 8 yrs my parents will probably be dead so I think it will be nice to have their name again.

I think it’s important to support your wife.
See her as more than a wife & mother.