Wife wants to change her first name and surname

[Rockandahardplaice]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My wife has never liked her first name - she thinks it is too common (I personally think it's fine, but obviously she is entitled to feel the way she feels). She is now thinking of changing it. This would make me quite sad, because my "pet" name for her (which she does like) is based on her actual name, and wouldn't make any sense if she changed her name.

However, this is just background really. The real issue is that she told me today that she wants to change her surname (married name) as well. We have been married about 15 years.

She says that she has never liked the surname, no-one can spell it, and she thinks of it as a really ugly part of herself which she hates more and more as time goes by. She is currently going to therapy a couple of times a week, and I suppose you could say she is on a voyage of facing properly a number of issues in her life, which has resulted in a number of changes to her attitude on certain things. I guess this is one of them.

I'll freely admit that our surname doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it is not an offensive name, and correcting people on spelling occasionally has never caused me any serious problems in life. If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended, but would have accepted it. But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me. In other words, a part of me she was happy to accept 15 years ago, she is not willing to accept now.

She has tried to soften the blow by saying I could change my name too. But I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line. She knows this, so it feels like quite an empty offer.

I've googled this issue, and although there is plenty of advice for husbands-to-be (usually that its only a tradition, and if the wife-to-be doesn't want to take your name, so be it), there is nothing for established married couples where the wife wants to ditch the surname she has already taken.

It feels like a massive rejection of me, although she assures me it is just the name she is rejecting and not me. However, this all comes on the back of several quite difficult years in our relationship, from which we are only just starting to recover, and the last few years (until recently) have been characterised by her rejection of me and distancing from me in a number of ways, so this ends up just feeling like another - whether it is or not.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or insights, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

I don't know how relevant it is, but I would really love to change my surname (my dad's name) to my mum's surname (mum and dad are married but she kept her name). It is no reflect AT ALL on my feelings about my dad. He's great. It's just that his surname is clunky and masculine sounding, whereas my mum's is (I think) attractive and elegant. Having said that, I'm not going to as I discussed it with my mum years ago and she thought dad would be upset.

Anyway, just making the point that it's not necessarily about "you".

And actually, thinking about it, mum did take dad's name when they got married. She changed it back a few years later. They're still together after 50+ years so it can't be that bad a sign

Because it is the wife’s feelings that matter with regard to her own name.

But changing her name symbolises something more than just the name change doesn't it? It's not like changing your hairstyle or losing a lot of weight. I don't know, for me, if I were to change my name now it would be a big deal. It would be saying something more than just "I don't like my name". It's the reason behind it and what she is communicating that I think does involve her husband.

He was quite happy for her feelings to be less important than his 15 years ago.

Was he or are you just assuming that? I took my husband's name when we got married but that was entirely my decision. We didn't discuss it all, he never asked me or said anything that would make me think that he wanted me to, I just told him that's what I was doing.

OP has said he would have been offended if she’d kept her name when they married.

I suspect answers here to the OP may differ depending on whether you changed your name and are quite happy about that, didn’t change, or changed and don’t like it.

I don't think any patriarchal traditions are cute and harmless. Maybe for you as a man but for women they have always been tied to ownership and a lack of agency

Your wife is clearly going through a hard time and is trying to take steps to improve her life
You're throwing a strop and making it all about you

This. Exactly this.

Support her in HER choices about HER life or it will be another nail in the coffin of your marriage .

"He was quite happy for her feelings to be less important than his 15 years ago."

This is an absurd thing to state (particularly if expressed as a fact, rather than an opinion) - I've been clear on the fact that we never even discussed the name change thing at the time. As with other marriage traditions, we basically just followed them all pretty blindly - as do many young people. Neither of us even thought to question it.

"OP has said he would have been offended if she’d kept her name when they married."

Yes, I did say this in this thread, because it is how the 25 year old version of me would have felt at the time. If I were to get married now, I doubt I'd bat an eyelid - but I'm no longer the "boy" I was then. In any case, as I already stated (and which has been conveniently left off by those quoting me!), even if I was offended, I would have accepted it - which is a clear expression of the fact that I very much would be putting her feelings (a wish to keep her name) above mine (an (admittedly naive) offence taken that she wasn't following tradition).

This whole thing comes back to the question of whether a desire to change ones married name, 15 years into a marriage and with no real warning, to a new name rather than a maiden name, is any reflection on the relationship.

Posters here seem pretty split on this.

I suspect answers here to the OP may differ depending on whether you changed your name and are quite happy about that, didn’t change, or changed and don’t like it.

I agree. I think our responses are also going to depend on the importance we put on our names. For me it is symbolic and an integral part of my identity. We're I to change it I would be making some sort of a statement but reading some other posts here it seems that some view a name as just a name, which is equally as valid.

I guess it depends on where the wife is in this. If to her a name is just a name then there's probably nothing more to her decision than just that she fancies a new name but it could also be that this is a statement that she is making.

"Support her in HER choices about HER life or it will be another nail in the coffin of your marriage ."

This is a gross simplification. It is her choice, absolutely, but to say that it is her life alone is naive - taking my name and later rejecting it for an entirely new name would be considered by most to mean something. It could mean something about her alone - if so, fine. But it could also (particularly in the context of other factors) mean something for how she feels about our relationship, and in particular about me.

I don't think anyone of sound mind could reasonably say this is "normal". It's clearly highly unusual. That doesn't make it wrong, but it does, I think, justify some pretty thorough explanation.

You are easily offended, OP.
How can we possibly know more about the wider experience of your marriage than you? You have had women tell you they wish they had their name back. Your wife wants hers. Only she knows if it’s because she doesn’t want you! But either way causing problems over this is not going to help, is it? Putting your foot down or acting upset won’t make her like you more if she doesn’t.

"How can we possibly know more about the wider experience of your marriage than you?"

You can't, but the whole point of reaching out on these forums is to either gain access to the "wisdom of crowds", or to hopefully hear from someone who has been through the same experience as you, or who has been on the other side.

You have had women tell you they wish they had their name back. Your wife wants hers."

But she doesn't want her name back! She wants an entirely new surname and an entirely new first name. Not the same thing at all, and probably not even remotely analogous. There have been a couple of posts here of people who have done the same thing (and it not relating to anything other than them), which has been helpful.

"Only she knows if it’s because she doesn’t want you!"

True, but once again it is beneficial to hear from others - if 100% of responses tell me that they changed their name in similar circumstances without it meaning anything to their relationship, that tells me something completely different to if 100% of responses tell me that they changed their name because they no longer wanted to be associated with their partner. Personally, I'm glad I've posted since there have been some good points made.

"But either way causing problems over this is not going to help, is it? Putting your foot down or acting upset won’t make her like you more if she doesn’t."

Which again is why I've posted here for advice before properly responding to my wife on this.

You say your feelings have changed and you are no longer the “boy” you were when you would have been offended if your wife had not wanted to take your name. Well, her feelings have changed and she is no longer the “girl” who “blindly” followed marriage traditions. She now realised she isn’t keen on those traditions. You have changed, she has changed.

You have had women tell you they wish they had their name back. Your wife wants hers

No @Mayday she wants a totally new name, first and last, not reverting to a maiden name, as some of have repeatedly pointed out to those who seem to be ignoring actual fact.

Is it me or this one of those threads where the OP gets less and less sympathetic every time they open their mouth? (Starting from the whole "patriarchal traditions are cute and harmless" thing).

Not just you

It is her choice, absolutely, but to say that it is her life alone is naive - taking my name and later rejecting it for an entirely new name would be considered by most to mean something. It could mean something about her alone - if so, fine. But it could also (particularly in the context of other factors) mean something for how she feels about our relationship, and in particular about me

I know HUNDREDS of women who had their parents name and then later rejected it entirely for a new name copied from someone who wasn’t even a biological relative . NONE of these parents took it as personally as you seem to be doing.

Even if it’s true that your wife is rejecting you, you being an arse and controlling about it will only make that worse.

Is this really the hill you want your marriage to die on? Let it go.

Deal with your own issues yourself through counselling , as your wife is doing. Don’t dump them on her , she’s not your therapist.

My grandmother changed her first name. She was in her 40’s and her image changed. I think she just wanted to re-invent herself from the domestic drudgery of bringing up four children.
Her marriage lasted and in your case I don’t think that it’s necessarily about you.

"I know HUNDREDS of women who had their parents name and then later rejected it entirely for a new name copied from someone who wasn’t even a biological relative . NONE of these parents took it as personally as you seem to be doing."

You are attempting to equate apples and oranges. In some cases of course people do change their name because they don't want to be associated with their family - and I'm pretty sure this would cause offence. In many cases they just don't like the name.

The difference here is that she chose to take my name, but now wants a new one. If, like the example I gave above it is to distance herself then it should indeed cause me concern, whereas if she has simply changed her mind and it has no significance, then I have little cause to complain.

Neither you nor I know which it is. My intention to post here is to hopefully gain some insight into which it might be.

The difference here is that she chose to take my name, but now wants a new one

Is she choosing a new random surname or is she reverting back to her father’s surname?

@IABUQueen A totally new random name, not her maiden name, as has been said quite often but seemingly ignored.

If my husband came home and said he no longer wanted to be John Doe but Peter Smith and started totally changing his physical image I’d worry not only about him but about us, our marriage and what was going on.

I don’t have any advice for you but just another voice to say i’d find it really strange. Maybe couples counselling would work? I’ve no experience of it but perhaps going to a session with your wife would help you to understand what she’s going through and give you a neutral place to talk.

It doesn’t matter which one it is OP. You responding with anything more that “ OK darling “ won’t help your marriage.

You have no “cause to complain” either way because complaining isn’t the way to fix a shaky relationship. Neither is talking in most cases. It’s action.

Stop trying to police your wife’s personal choices. Stop trying to get people on mumsnet to agree that yes, your feelings about your wife’s name is The Most Important Thing here.

If you want to fix your marriage start acting in a loving way towards her. Today.

Do MORE THAN your share of housework and childcare. Take on half the wifework. Put down your phone and spend time with her doing things she enjoys.

Don’t buy her things she doesn’t want with half of her money and expect her to be grateful.

Don’t buy her lingerie or flowers , unless she asks you to.

If you have been married for 15 years you should know what “loving actions “ are to your wife. So go and do them and DONT expect instant cookies as a reward.

So, OP, what sort of response are you currently leaning towards after spending some time discussing it on this post?

Hi OP

I think perhaps you need to ignore the fact she has “your name”. From what I am reading, it doesn’t matter where she got the name or how long she has had it for. Remember, she is essentially rejecting the name her parents have given her too (first name). Perhaps try and work out if there is any specific reason she would want a new identity away from her parents: Is there a bad relationship there? Has she been hiding some resentment from them? Is there a reason she would need a new identity from them? Perhaps if the answer is yes to any of those then you could apply the same logic to your marriage.

I think if she wanted to change her name from Karen Marriedname to Karen Maidenname then I’d say there are alarm bells that there’s a problem with the marriage.

But because she wants to change her name to Susan Newname then I think this is a completely independent issue of anything which is or isn’t going on with your marriage.

Now... whether your wife wanting an entirely new identity is cause for concern would be impossible to say. I think if my DH looked as though he was entirely trying to reinvent himself and he was unrecognisable to the person he had been for 15 years of marriage (name change or not!) then I’d perhaps be a little panicked. I also think I’d have the right to be concerned that the man I knew and loved would be disappearing.

"This whole thing comes back to the question of whether a desire to change ones married name, 15 years into a marriage and with no real warning, to a new name rather than a maiden name, is any reflection on the relationship.

Posters here seem pretty split on this."

Not that that split, in my view. It's not completely unified but there is a very clear majority in favour of your wife.

You can choose to be offended, or not. If you don't want to change your name to a joint new one, fine. But stop making this about you. She made a commitment to you, not to your surname. If you're going to pontificate about the name being symbolic you don't have a leg to stand on, because you've never made that same "commitment" to change your name to hers. Only ask of her what you are prepared to do for her yourself.