Wife wants to change her first name and surname

[Rockandahardplaice]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My wife has never liked her first name - she thinks it is too common (I personally think it's fine, but obviously she is entitled to feel the way she feels). She is now thinking of changing it. This would make me quite sad, because my "pet" name for her (which she does like) is based on her actual name, and wouldn't make any sense if she changed her name.

However, this is just background really. The real issue is that she told me today that she wants to change her surname (married name) as well. We have been married about 15 years.

She says that she has never liked the surname, no-one can spell it, and she thinks of it as a really ugly part of herself which she hates more and more as time goes by. She is currently going to therapy a couple of times a week, and I suppose you could say she is on a voyage of facing properly a number of issues in her life, which has resulted in a number of changes to her attitude on certain things. I guess this is one of them.

I'll freely admit that our surname doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it is not an offensive name, and correcting people on spelling occasionally has never caused me any serious problems in life. If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended, but would have accepted it. But now, 15 years later, it feels like a massive rejection of me. In other words, a part of me she was happy to accept 15 years ago, she is not willing to accept now.

She has tried to soften the blow by saying I could change my name too. But I'm rather attached to it, and being an only son of an only son it would probably really upset my Dad as it would effectively end our line. She knows this, so it feels like quite an empty offer.

I've googled this issue, and although there is plenty of advice for husbands-to-be (usually that its only a tradition, and if the wife-to-be doesn't want to take your name, so be it), there is nothing for established married couples where the wife wants to ditch the surname she has already taken.

It feels like a massive rejection of me, although she assures me it is just the name she is rejecting and not me. However, this all comes on the back of several quite difficult years in our relationship, from which we are only just starting to recover, and the last few years (until recently) have been characterised by her rejection of me and distancing from me in a number of ways, so this ends up just feeling like another - whether it is or not.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or insights, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

If I had to pick a new surname for myself I'd go for Wilde.

Names are very key to identity. If someone I loved said that taking my surname had led to a situation where they felt it was an ugly part of them they’d grown to hate i’d 100% support then to change it.

I would not see it as a rejection of me. I’d see if as then embracing themselves as an individual person in their own right.

Is that what you’re scared of? That’s she’s becoming her own person and that means you’ll be rejected?

So it's not about reclaiming past identity - it's about trying a new one on for size.

I agree. I could understand if she just wanted to change her surname but it's her first name, too. It feels, to me, a bit like people who have plastic surgery because they're sure that all that's standing between them and complete happiness is a cuter nose. What's she going to do when it doesn't work? When she has new names but she's still the same person?

Hi

I'm 46 and recently stopped wearing my wedding ring. I also want to revert back to my maiden name. I don't plan to divorce my dh but I do find the outward displays of marriage suffocating. Maybe I feel I've lost my identity in children and marriage somewhat and as I near older age I'd like to remind myself of who I am and was?

Who knows? But probably for your wife it's about her not you.

I don't see it as a rejection of you (unless there are issues that you haven't mentioned) but more of a fact that she seems to be facing a bit of an identity crisis. Wanting to revert to maiden name would be understandable and I assume you'd be fine with that (and like you say combine the two of your names) but wanting to also abandon her maiden name seems like a rejection of her entire identity. Perhaps the issues you mention she is having counselling for are playing a big part in this.
I think you will just have to support her in this , obviously something bigger going on here. There isn't really any solution though other than to support is there?

Name is related to identity and changing both names suggests a drastic shift in identity.

I think you’re not approaching it the right way op. Rather than trying to validate your feelings of rejection have a conversation in which you ask your wife about her new identity: what does her new name mean, what sort of person does it represent for her. The answers to these questions aren’t her first name is too common and her second name is too unusual! Something bigger is happening and you should try and understand it. Maybe ask her how she’d like to celebrateher name change it or what inspired her new name chooses.

Once you know what it’s about explain your feelings in that context. You could both get matching new middle names and use it as an opportunity to revaluate and refresh your relationship (without making the name change about your marriage).

Surely the point is to share a married name, not that it means one person owns the other?
If this is so then why is it so important to you that it is your family name that you share rather than her maiden name or a new name representing your life together?

In other respects are you in the 21st century? Equal chores, sharing mental load, equal work opportunities etc?

CookieDeal - I very much want her to be her own person. I wouldn't have married her if she wasn't. And I fully appreciate that people can change, and should be allowed to grow.

Don't get me wrong - some of the changes are quite dramatic, and there is an element of fear that I'll be one of the things of her "old life" which she has cast aside. I guess getting shot of my name feels like a bit of a warning sign, particular given some of the relationship problems we have had in the past.

ThatLibraryMiss - she has made physical changes too - she's had a large number of tattoos in the past few months (previously she only had one small one). But she does seem genuinely pleased with them, so I guess some changes can lead to the outcomes you want.

I can see why you’re uneasy but the only thing to do is respect her freedom to decide, play cool, support her, and really focus on making each other happy and communicated and resolving your other issues.

TheBrockmans - Regarding your first point, you are setting up a straw man here. The issue is her rejection of a name she has already taken which is already associated with our marriage, the issue is not whether I would have insisted that she take my name 15 years ago. I wouldn't.

Regarding your second point, I'm very much 21st century and totally into equality, in all respects. I do an equal share of the housework, we both have jobs, she's currently doing a part time degree etc. Not quite sure what you mean by "mental load", but we both have an equal say over all aspects of our marriage and family life together.

I think that the fact you think it’s a ‘cute and harmless’ tradition says a lot.

You have only never had to think about it because the traditional route worked in your favour and meant everyone had your name, you didn’t have to do a thing or give up a thing.

Think about how you feel about giving up your name now. Between a rock (wanting to have the same name as spouse) and a hard place (you like your name, it has family meaning for you)?

Why would you assume this is a less meaningful and painful choice for some women?

There is still a huge amount of pressure to change your name as a married woman. Someone has literally just phoned me and automatically called me by my husband’s name without asking me. I live in a traditional area, there will be raised eyebrows and eye rolls when eventually I have to correct them. It gets sooo tiring.

Also, it is a tradition that stems from men’s ownership of women. Would you like to expand on what you find cute about that?

The adopting your husband's surname is quite symbolic isn't it? It's more than just a name, so to me, the rejecting of that name after 15 years also symbolises something.

I understand your feelings OP. I do think that there is more to this than just her fancying a new name.

I also find it a bit uncomfortable that she's saying your surname is "ugly". Presumably your children have your surname so does she consider their name ugly too?

I don't think you can equate ditching a maiden name when getting married (which is a tradition) with ditching your partners name when already married (which isn't)

In other words, it’s fine for a woman to ditch her name to match yours, because - tradition, but not ok for her to choose to ditch yours because she doesn’t like it?

Bollocks to that. It’s up to her what she wants to be called. You must be super insecure to make it all about you.

The adopting your husband's surname is quite symbolic isn't it? It's more than just a name, so to me, the rejecting of that name after 15 years also symbolises something.

I took his because I liked it better than mine. If I had been born with my married name, I’d have kept it. Nothing symbolic about it.

For me, I was happy to take my husband's surname. It did mean something to me. It symbolised us joining together to be a unit. If I were to now change my name it would again symbolise something to me. It would be the rejection of that unit so I can understand the OP feeling like this.

I do think it's different to change the name after 15 years rather than choose not to take the name on marriage.

For me, this is symbolising something. I don't think it's just changing a name, with no meaning behind that decision.

Op I definitely think couples counseling to try to unpack this is going to be helpful.

I'm actually doing the same thing - well, close, as in my case I'm going back to my birth name. The marriage is fine, it's not a rejection of him or the marriage in any way. It's just not my name and I want my name. I also have long disliked my very common first name. So I'm changing that at the same time. My husband will of course continue to use his pet name for me based on my first name. Why would that change?

I think (hope) my husband is more amused by this than anything else. But then in my case I'm happy for people who've always known me by my old name to keep using it and I use my new one in certain work and formal and new situations. It makes me feel much better about myself. I hope you can be accepting of your wife's need to do this. Sure, you feel hurt, but put it into perspective and move on.

Hi BlitheringHeights,

The institution of marriage has, itself, a pretty murky past in terms of implying ownership of women by men, and being restricted to heterosexual relationships only. Nonetheless, despite protestations from certain quarters, marriage has evolved to become something which is a partnership of equals, and is inclusive irrespective of your sexual orientation or gender identity.

However, I'm assuming that you would wish to abolish it, since it is, in your own words "a tradition that stems from men’s ownership of women"?

I'm totally on board with modernisation, including making a choice of what family name to take a decision which you make together. But once that choice has been made (and I appreciate that in our case it could be argued it wasn't "made", since we both took it for granted), one person unilaterally reversing it 15 years down the line leads to some questions marks as to "why".

leads to some questions marks as to "why"

Because it is her name and she wants to change it. She might currently share part of it with you but it doesn't make it your name, it is her identity.

Sounds to me like she’s undergoing a full blown identity crisis. Expect choppy waters ahead where her changing her name is going to be the least of your concerns.

I changed my given names years into my marriage, from a fairly common name that my husband thought was fine, but for me held a lot of bad memories. It's only years without it that the negative connections to it are starting to lift. I only waited as long as I did due to immigration and having two countries involved (a pain that has taken years to deal with, unlike changing my birth family name years earlier) and because I did want to give it the time it deserved which, while some may find it hard to believe, some of us are very aware our parents didn't spend much time or considerations and certainly didn't "agonize" over it (and, having been on the BehindtheName forum for years, far more of it is writers and people goofing off than baby naming).

If my husband had told me he was against it because the nickname he liked wouldn't match anymore, I would have been deeply hurt. I would have felt like my identity and life experiences that had led me to that choice didn't matter, that I wasn't worth that inconvenience to him. I really don't think that kind of thing can be shoved into the background. Thankfully, my husband was more than supportive. He also supported giving our children names that reflected both of our cultures, even though the religious connotations in mine weren't ones he shared (and neither of us are religious now).

When I changed my given names, which came during some of the roughest years of our lives together with multiple family deaths and a lot of emotional upheavals, I also changed my title on all my paperwork from Mrs. to Ms. and other than a few comments from some staff members while doing so, people have been supportive. If anything in the years after I've done that, our marriage has become stronger and we're closer together than ever. Anyone who thinks I've done it to reject or be further from my spouse is assuming a lot of shit that's not there.

As for the surname, well, as there are kids involved, the line doesn't really end then if you don't have it, does it? And you can't guarantee any of them will keep the names they were given at birth. Would you really want your kids to keep a name they wanted to change just to make you happy? Would you automatically think they were rejecting you and refusing to "carry on the line" because they wanted a different surname? Would you think the worst of them as it appears you're thinking of your wife?

I honestly don't know what my parents think of my choice, but I couldn't imagine putting that burden to make me happy on my kids with their names, that their identity should be connected to what I think they should be called, and I certainly couldn't do that to my husband who I adore even more. I'd be the first one giving them links to name websites if they ever brought it up and were considering ideas for it and cheering them on because, having been given a name at birth that no one gave a fuck about, I know just as well as anyone how important it can be to have a name that feels at home and I think almost anyone should be able to unilaterally be able to get that (the almost is for my belief that those convicted of certain violent crimes that need to be tracked for wider society's wellbeing should need something a bit more than a deed poll to do so).

I would feel a bit odd about this after so long, especially if, as you say, she's not reverting to maiden name but changing it to something random along with her Christian name. That's totally reinventing herself. I'd think there is a lot more going on here.

But once that choice has been made (and I appreciate that in our case it could be argued it wasn't "made", since we both took it for granted), one person unilaterally reversing it 15 years down the line leads to some questions marks as to "why".

Never changed your mind on anything, huh? Especially anything you didn’t actually consciously choose in the first place?

Why? Because she wants to. She told you why, you don’t agree her reasons are acceptable. You don’t believe the problems she faces are actually problems. I have spent my entire life having to spell my name, it is a real pain in the arse. My maiden name was ugly. I was glad to change it after 32 years. Had I not been getting married, I may well have done it anyway.

Other than your own hurt pride, (which is presumably irrelevant because we know you don’t believe how a person feels is important) what is your real reason for not wanting her to do it?

It sounds like she’s going through some big transitions and I don’t blame you at all for wondering what your marriage is going to look like at the other end of that. There’s not really much you can do, though. Suggest couples counselling alongside the therapy she’s already having?

(really suggest you dial it back a bit on the mansplaining of how traditions w/r/t marriage are ‘cute and harmless’ here though. Read the room...)

what is your real reason for not wanting her to do it?

I'm not hearing the OP say that he doesn't want her to do it, more that he wonders why she's doing it and what is it saying about the marriage.

Is she also telling the children that she thinks their name is ugly too?

Of course if she chooses to change her name that is entirely up to her. But other people's reactions to that change are valid too.

If the wife is not happy with her name then that's valid for her. Equally if the OP is upset by her doing this and feels rejected by her then that too is valid.

If she had refused to take the name when we got married I would have been offended

Can you articulate why?