Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

If I’d have read my post as another MNer I’d be tutting and rolling my eyes but I’ve realised that when you’re in the situation it’s much more grey....and I really don’t think it’s a classic case of narcissism because he’s been great in all other respects......he hasn’t tried controlling me....has never tried to dissuade me going out or spending time with my friends or family....there hasn’t been any of the classic isolation tactics....

I suppose what I’m most scared of is potentially giving up on a life with someone that could make me very happy....what if he’s just made an error? Most men I’ve dated have really not been kid friendly and it’s just so hard....

He’s obviously made a stupid grand gesture with the cupcakes.....yes they would have cost a lot but relatively not that much to him as he has a very good job in the city....as for knocking my door unannounced when he knew I had the kids of course totally unacceptable.......and I don’t think he will ever try and force the kid issue again because he knows they are my priority, always.....

Lol @anna imagine! But I don’t think he is....my boyfriend leaves me in peace and quiet in the bathroom and makes me a hit chocolate to take in so I can relax.....And all the sex stuff is normal and he doesn’t seem to have a drink problem to me....:when I stack him up against other clearly narcissistic people he just doesn’t seem that bad.....

I do realise the risks here....I’ve read narc-victims posts and they all say how difficult it is to move on from one.....I just feel like if I really wanted to end it I could quite easily really...

10 weeks for fucks sake.

The thing is OP, this has never tried to dissuade me going out or spending time with my friends or family....there hasn’t been any of the classic isolation tactics.... doesn’t happen in 10 weeks. That will happen maybe 6 months down the line, maybe a year, maybe longer. They don’t want to show all their cards at once and the whole purpose is to drag you in to their world before they pull that kind of shit, so that you either don’t see or don’t feel like you can escape. The exception to this is having a bit of a flap and piling on the pressure and doubt when things sway off their path, which is what he’s done when you’ve confronted him and before them with the ‘you don’t love me’ shit. He’s done it today too.i suggest you have a google on this kind of behaviour, you’ll be shocked.

I spotted one of my close friends new relationships was with a narc, he followed almost the exact same set of instructions as this chancer.

has never tried to dissuade me going out or spending time with my friends or family...
Ten weeks in? Of course he hasn't. This is the phase where they draw you in.

Rather than try to create some space so you can think clearly, you've invested further in the drama of the whole thing - he's damaged, he has to prove what happened in previous relationships. If he is a narc your behaviour is signalling to him that what he's doing is working.

I really would try and take a step back, take a time out to reassess.

Do you really think controllers start controlling tactics immediately? It can take years for them to come out as full blown abusers. They know exactly what pace to go at for each individual partner. It happens slowy. Over time. That's the whole frog in boiling water analogy! Little by little, drip by drip the water heats up. Until the drips start and between them they are Prince Charming.

You now see him as 'simply' damaged. Isn't that bad enough? Do you really want to continue with a damaged man. Introduce a damaged man to your children eventually? Do you think he can stop being damaged without professional help? That you can fix the damage with your love and support? Are you so much stronger than his previous partners that you can fix him where they 'failed'? Would you turn around to your daughter and encourage her to have a relationship with a damaged man? Damaged is not a good bet as a partner and step father.

Yes, you're making a mistake- by staying with someone who has shown you he's abusive and 99% of posters have told you is abusive. Every update just shows how much he's sucked you in with his shit. They all start off like this. I feel sorry for your kids that you are prepared to risk their happiness for someone who is appalling but you want to give yet another chance. The doubts are all part of the script.

Tbh OP it sounds like you fancy him and he's loaded and you're letting that override your instincts - which are there and functioning because you started the thread.

Look at it this way - if he'd said he wanted to wait a while before you met his dcs, would you turn up at his house unannounced with cupcakes? The fact they were v v expensive ones (to make you less likely to complain and/or feel guilty or beholden) is even more manipulative.

There's no helping you OP. You have asked for advice and totally ignored it.

So he split with his wife 4 years ago and in all this time he has not attempted to build bridges with his adult children. Another red flag to add to the already massive collection!!

Strawberry Its too early for him to be using all the tactics on you. Give it a few months and it will creep in slowly and before you realise it, you find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship. It's only 'grey' because you are allowing your feeling to cloud your judgement and you know it!

You are still in the love bombing phase and that's why you feel like you could easily walk away. They wait until your self esteem has been eroded so badly that you cant think for yourself anymore, it will be so hard to leave which is why we are all unanimously saying leave now while you still have your self esteem in tact.

I never thought any of my exes were abusive until I had left the relationship and I could see clearly again. Can you not see that you are the rule, not the exception? The same goes for this guy, he is classic!! Most women in abusive relationships dont recognise it as abuse until it's too late.

I know it's scary the thought of losing a 'great' guy who in your mind hasnt done anything serious enough to warrant you leaving. The problem is that he is showing you he has no respect for you by his actions which is a symptom of a much bigger issue. He doesnt respect you, he doesnt love you, he doesnt care about your children. He cares about getting you hooked so he can use you for supply. No man no matter how great the sex, how handsome, how seemingly sweet etc is worth the risk you are taking by continuing to see him. If you have never been in an abusive relationship then you probably cant even fathom how bad it can get. Take it from those who have been through it and are warning you on this thread.

Read back your post in 12 months and you will be so angry with yourself for not taking the advice from not only this post but also your friends.

I wish you could see what we see.

he hasn’t tried controlling me....has never tried to dissuade me going out or spending time with my friends or family....there hasn’t been any of the classic isolation tactics....

Because that doesn't start at 10 week in op!

You are being absolutely daft to the point that its cringey.

"kid friendly", hes seen you coming a mile away ffs. Can you not see that forcing an intro to your kids at 10 WEEKS in is the opposite of kid friendly?? All the cupcakes on earth dont erase that.

My dp was massively wary about my DC. Took over a year for him to meet them. Because he cared about these little strangers and didn't want to rush things for them. He put them first.

This guy puts himself first and then explains why it's ok he does and you just fall for it!!

OP, I've read all through this thread and have seen so many red flags waving in your posts that I'm just horrified.

It might help if you watched this on YouTube: Unmasking The Abuser.

I really don't like the sound of him. I think he's potentially dangerous. I'm so sorry. But I think you need to get rid of him, and quickly, too. Don't give him the chance to talk you out of it: dump him by text, then block him everywhere, and do not give into the temptation to see him again.

Do you know what OP? I get where you are coming from. You're being asked to believe random strangers on an internet forum over someone you have seen in the flesh (scuse the pun). So no I dont think you will, or perhaps even should run for the hills.

Just keep your eyes open, your wits about you and your kids away for a substantial amount of time.

I do hope he turns out to be gods gift, and please dont feel warned off of asking MN or your friends for advice if you need any.

I hope hes what you want him to be xx

its 10 weeks OP - mine wasn't controlling then. And he started by giving me coffee to take in, and after a while he started coming in with coffee too. It didn't start off as controlling on day 1 - I just thought it was lovely and romantic.

And the sex was normal. Everything was normal, apart from the level of attention to start with. It escalated.

He isn't normal OP. Nothing he's doing is normal - turning up at your house, daily gifts, wanting to come on holiday, the cupcakes, the level of contact, the lack of contact wtih his chidren (I'm divorced, my ex is an arse, but the kids are still in contact with him - they have to be pretty bad for the kids to walk away ime). You aren't listening!

baileys her RL friends have warned her off him as well. It's not just randoms on the internet.

There's no helping you OP. You have asked for advice and totally ignored it.
PositiveVibez - it's only been 24 hours since the OP first posted.

He values family so much, but he walked out on his wife and kids.

He values his kids so much, but isn't making efforts to better his relationships with them.

He does, however lavish gifts, holidays and time on someone he has only known for 20 weeks.

He turns up uninvited and forces a meeting with someone elses children with a wildly inappropriately extravagant gift. What your poor kid must have thought being confronted with some fucking random on her doorstep makes my heart break for her - yet you continue making excuses for him.

You are lying to yourself, you DO like all these gifts and holidays, you DO like all this attention. Your own friends have advised you to dump him pronto and most people here have said the same thing, but you are angsting over him possibly being 'the one' and your only chance of happiness.

You must be desperate or dumb to potentially expose your kids to this drama. Not sure why you even bothered posting tbh.

Give the guy a chance. You seem well aware of things to look out for in a bad one so just keep that in mind and carry on having fun. If we all gave up on people at their first mistake everyone would be very lonely!

With the best will in the world I honestly don’t think you understand the risks OP. The fact that you think you could easily end it if you really wanted to means you’re already pretty deeply hooked. Because you don’t want to end it, despite so many of these things you’re uncomfortable with, and despite the advice of your concerned friends (and pretty much everyone on this thread).

People here have advised you to tell him to give you some proper space with no contact for a week to see if he can do it. But can you? Can you go a week without seeing or speaking to him to give yourself that space??

If you’d find that hard then you’re already in so much deeper than you’re allowing yourself to admit.

10 weeks apologies

I'm not sure berating the OP for not dumping him right this second is helping - it just means that she is less likely to come back and ask for help when his behaviour escalates.

I know it's really frustrating when you can see the potential car crash happening, but let's be realistic :

A) the op has doubts and has come to mumsnet for help.
B) everyone has piled on to say that he is going to become abusive and she should preempt that by ending the relationship.
C) she probably isn't going to do that just on the say so of strangers on the Internet.She is going to keep going out with him but tell herself she will be "careful" and at the first sign of controlling /abusive behaviour she is right out of there, no question.
D) when she next has an uneasy feeling about his behaviour, is she going to come back and discuss it with the experienced women of mumsnet? Or is she going to be scared that everyone will just say "WHAT DID WE TELL YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE DUMPED HIM WHEN WE SAID"?

OP, I think you are going to give him another chance, and although I don't think you should, I can understand why you will. Please feel that you can always post again if his behaviour escalates, or if you get an uneasy feeling about something ostensibly "minor".

Tbf people have suggested OP take a week off from him and see if he respects that boundary.

He already IS abusive but yeah give him lots more chances

Seriously OP, as a PP said, watch "Dirty John"

He has never tried to dissuade me going out or spending time with my friends or family

Well your real life friends already think he's a creep, so you won't have to worry about them being around you when he is there. That's one of his jobs out the way for him.

So he is good in bed and very well paid and single? There must be a very good reason for putting him back in the pond. Perhaps, he just promises the dream of romance, security, family life but doesn't deliver it? Trust the judgment of the women who went before you (he didn't gain all those skills by sitting at home knitting).