Trapped and alone

[PurpleStripes]

Hi there, a little back story first (some details slightly altered to hide my identity from prying eyes).

I'm in my late 20's, married for a little over a year and I have a DS who is 9. My H is also around the same age and has no DC of his own. We have been together 4 years in total.
I am miserable!!

When we first got together it was a whirlwind, we fell in love quickly and pretty hard. We moved in together after around 6 months, more for financial reasons and because both of our leases were expiring. My son adores him. His DF has slowly been taking a back seat in his life over the last few years, since he remarried, and now for at least 6 months has not seen or spoken to him at all.
H works more than 60 hours a week most weeks away from home and also in the evening and weekends in his office. He has a professional job which has always been his first priority. He had a difficult childhood and has spent his adult years trying to move away emotionally and financially from it.
I work around 30 hours a week but for some months I have been off work with a chronic illness awaiting surgery which is imminent. This has obviously affected us financially as well as having a massive strain on our relationship. Things weren't great before, we haven't had a strong relationship since before we got married (I know that we shouldn't have but as many others before and no doubt since, we didn't want to waste the money and disappoint the guests).

So to now.. Our relationship is pretty much dead in the water but I can't leave. I've been attending a freedom program for a few weeks and I'm slowly learning that H has been emotionally abusing me. For those familiar with the program, he is a class A headworker, amongst others. I have been taking on the debts etc, any credit has been in my name, which has meant I've missed payments as I've been on SSP and H has still expected my full contribution to bills. All of this was with the for-thought of getting a mortgage at the end of this year. H (has extensive knowledge in the area) led me to believe that by doing so we would secure the best mortgage in his name only. He has told me now that this is not actually the case but it's going to be difficult for him to do so as long as I'm going to be living in the house..

The last 6 or so weeks have been the worst. He has been giving me the silent treatment, sleeping in the spare room, working until midnight some nights, not coming home without contact (although this is not new, he has always done this). I think this is because my beliefs have changed due to going to the program and he has sensed change in me. Gaslighting is his speciality and due to my ill mental health in the past, I struggle to understand when he is in the moment and only realise in hindsight which I can't then acknowledge because I'm then accused of 'dragging shit up from the past'. I highly doubt that there is an OW as his is really weird and doesn't like being touched, feels uncomfortable around more than a few people especially if he doesn't know them. He shows a lot of autistic traits (not that this is necessarily a bad thing as DS is diagnosed with asperger's).

I have no family, only a couple of friends, Im completely isolated since he moved me 2 hours from my home town last year for his work. I have no income or savings, only debt. I rely on him solely for help with childcare when I was at work and when I return to work after my surgery.

I'm sorry if you've got this far and you're bored.
Has anybody been in a similar circumstance and managed to dig their way out? Does anybody have any advice? I feel trapped and I don't know where to turn. He changes his mind almost hourly over whether he wants to continue the relationship, I really just don't know what to do anymore.

Bumping for the evening crowd 😕

Even bad advice is welcome at the moment..

Every minute feels like an hour. I'm suffocating 😔

I don't feel qualified to offer you proper advice. But I didn't want to leave you watching for a reply, so I thought even a useless one better than nothing. Are you waiting for him to decide whether he wants to stay with you? You can decide what you want, it's not within his gift to decide your life. If he's out all the time, maybe that's a bonus, buys you time to think without him being under your feet. How about stopping contributing to the house, to try to pay the loans. What's he going to do, take you to court? In terms of has anyone come back from rock bottom / bullying ex / absolutely no money. Hell yes. 10 years or so ago. Couldn't be happier, money sorts itself out in the end. You're young, you'll be able to get your career going again. No point stayng in relationships that make you unhappy/ don't work. Maybe start to plan towards leaving when you're ready. You have a lot of years ahead, plenty of time to sort everything out, even from a 'standing start'.

.... Is moving back closer to home an option? Could you stay with a friend until you got a place of your own?

Life is ton short to feel the way you do - remember it always has a way of working out in the end. So remember that and take the leap.

I appreciate you said about not having savings etc - but your in employment which is good and it will help you find your feet. I assume you did it on your own for a while before you met your H. Therfore you'll do it again.

Don't be miserable, make a plan - and speak to friends/family etc to help do so! Xx

Make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand regarding debts etc in the event of a divorce. Look at moving back to where you have support. Look at jobs there and see what you would be entitled to if you need. You're not trapped especially because he's not your son's father. You're still very young so don't worry about changing your life for the better.

Hi i’m not sure I’m I can give much helpful advice either I’m afraid.
All I can say is life is way too short to be miserable, if you feel like this after 4 years it isn’t going to get better.
Is there anyone back in your hometown who can help you?
Can you move back there?
Step change can offer a lot of advice and help re debt
Are you renting a house together in joint names? Have you considered putting your name down for a housing association property or council house?
Are you entitled to any benefits?
Things are overwhelming and scary when looking at everything maybe focus on one thing at a time?
I find the headspace app very helpful to calm my mind xx

Thank you all for your replies.

To answer a few questions, there's no one in my home town that are either friends/family. It's more the comfort of knowing where I am if that makes sense.

I can't stop paying towards the house, yes it's a joint tenancy, the biggest issue at the moment is money. There's not enough but for him there will never be enough.

There's very much an is and him mentality, we are no a team and never have been. I don't think I'm waiting for him to decide my fate, it's more I don't have any option but to go through his motions. He is so hot and cold it's exhausting but it's better than the alternative - there isn't one.

I appreciate I'm fairly young but it's so embarrassing, it's my second marriage. I knew I was a fuck up but this really takes the biscuit.

He is going to have what he wants from life, no matter who he trampled on, I just don't understand why he's dragged me into it in the first place. He knew who I was. I guess some may say that I knew he was and continued forward too.

I get major anxiety when I hear his key in the door, when I'm in bed and I head him on the stairs, when DS is doing something like playing a game and he makes too much noise...the list goes on. I've always suffered with anxiety so I didn't realise how much he was effecting me until I joined the program.

If it wasn't for DS I would just disappear into the shadows. Feeling trapped and alone is certainly an understatement.

Also to the PP that suggested step change, I've just filled in their online form and will call on Monday. Thank you so much for that!

Hey lovely. You're not a fuck up at all. You're probably too loving and trusting to the wrong men. But you can and you must get out of this relationship. For your son's sake as much as yours, do not stay in an abusive relationship. See a solicitor and find out where you stand legally. Then write everything you need to do and in what order down.

The idea of a list in priority order is good. You have to try to change your mindset from why you can't change this to what you can change. But tale a step at a time. Your child is growing up, now's the time to get things straight. You don't need much money or space just for the 2 of you. And you said you have a job. If you hadn't worked for a long time you would be in a much worse position.

You need to get to a point to believe in yourself and start taking some steps to get your life back. He sounds awful and maybe years in future when you meet someone new then a lesson in taking it very slowly.

You do need to get sorted and it maybe that you have to leave. You don't need a solicitor to do that but you will need advice around the debts as creditors will come circling and you simply won't be able to pay by the sound of it

I was woken up at half past two with a torch in my face. When I asked what was going on his started shouting about me having taken his charger. I calmly explain I didn't have it and that it must be in his office. He went and retrieved it.
It seems so minor but it has shaken me up so much I've not slept for worrying since. There wasn't so much as an apology or anything. He's in bed next to me which is making me feel sick. DS had a nightmare and asked me to go to his room to speak to me. We are living in fear 😔

I've filled out the initial forms for step change. I need to dig out all of the paperwork demanding money from every orifice to be able to complete it but that will have to wait until Monday now. I just need to get through today, my son has done some beautiful things for Father's Day for him, it's devastating knowing that he's going to be ripped away from the second man he's seen as a father figure. I can't believe I'm giving him this life, it's such a cliche and so so wrong.

You're not trapped and you're not alone. Your H sounds just like my exH. I also thought I was trapped and couldnt get away from him. Right down to expecting me to pay half bills when I had no job, yet when he inherited money it was all his.

In the end one day I just calmly walked in and told him he needed to leave. Then repeated it every day for two weeks until he got the message.

He kept coming back every few days or so because I obviously would change my mind but I didn't and eventually he gave up.

I wish I'd known at the time about emotional abuse and coercive behaviour but fortunately you do.

See a solicitor, speak to the police about his abusive behaviour but most importantly know you can do it, and you can be free of this nasty bully once and for all.

@PurpleStripes I'm sorry to hear you are in the situation you are in at the moment. My relationship with my ex partner sounds quite similar and in the end my nerves were shot and I just became a shadow of myself. I did manage to get out of that relationship (with my son - ex was not his dad).

I think you have taken a major step in being able to look at your relationship and see something needs to change. I was in mine for 10 years, the hard thing was that it wasn't all bad, there were good times as well, I just was always on egg shells trying to keep him happy. I got into a little debt too. It was lack of being able to move out and on financially that kept me there for at least the last few years.

Does your work have any employee assistance programme? Sometimes they can offer you free legal advice etc.

Do you own your house of is it a rented property? It will make a difference in how easy it is to extricate yourself from it?

The time I successfully left, I had been planning my exit for a few months, knew what I needed to grab to ensure I could get by (basically child, cat, passport, cheque book and a spare change of clothes), I made a plan of where is could stay for a few days and made sure I had the break up talk in a public place so there could be no issues.

Take advice on what financial support from benefits you can get if you leave him. It's worth making an appointment at the council and taking as much information as you have, tell them you aren't in immediate physical danger but are being abused and need to leave - depending on where you are you may be able to go on the council house list, get a hostel place or be helped into a private let and break your lease. Debts in marriage like assets are shared.

Again thank you. H is a solicitor and I always worry that whoever I go to will know him, he seems to know everyone. I know it shouldn't make a difference but it's frightening enough to put me off.
He's made it very clear that as we do not have a joint bank account, our money is not legally tied therefore it's all my responsibility, also that we haven't been married two years but I'm pretty sure that's bullshit.

I know I need to leave and I'm almost certain I actually want to leave. Yet but very time I'm washing up or whatever and thinking about it I see the alternative life and it's no better. I keep myself here because at least I have a roof, and warmth etc. All of the furniture, electronics, even the knives and forks were all bought by me. He makes it clear that I've filled the house with shit too often for me to worry about leaving it. Do I sell or donate it all now and have a bare house? What do I do? I can't even afford my mot so my car has been sitting on the drive since it ran out months ago.

I'm so grateful to have all of you, RL support is virtually non-existent apart from 2 hours a week at the freedom program. I have to have an intrusive op in 10 days, that should be my priority but I've not even had time to worry/prepare.

Also, is it ever worth confronting him about the smaller things for my own self worth or am I better off letting him think he's won? Even if that means that next time he will be even worse?

Debts incurred during the marriage that you can show have benefited him/the household, he will be considered jointly responsible for and they should be treated accordingly in a financial settlement.

Any assets acquired during the marriage, whoever's name they are in, should be treated as joint also.

Put your child first and just go.

Don't take what he tells you as gospel, he has an agenda to keep you in your place and will absolutely lie to you. You need to see a solicitor.

If you lived together before the marriage, that time may be taken into account when considering the length of marriage.

See a family law solicitor in a different town who likely won't know H. Even if they do, it's confidential. Free 30 minute appointment.

Stay scribbling incidents with dates and times and a fee sentences. Torchlight interrogation in middle of night is entirely unacceptable.

Get thru Fathers Day for your son, but type a to-do list on your phone if making written notes might be found. Free 'notes' apps for mobile. And thumbprint access to your phone for some privacy.

Having a plan of positive action and fact finding ahead will feel a weight off your shoulders for today any way.

Free 30 minute appointment.*

Not this old chestnut🙄

Wildorchidz: Some solicitors do a free half hour initial consultation. I had one.

The chestnut trotted out on MN is that every solicitor does this and people are entitled to it.

Not everyone does it but OP should be able to find one that does.

Can you not claim any other benefits whilst on SSP ?