Trapped and alone

[PurpleStripes]

Hi there, a little back story first (some details slightly altered to hide my identity from prying eyes).

I'm in my late 20's, married for a little over a year and I have a DS who is 9. My H is also around the same age and has no DC of his own. We have been together 4 years in total.
I am miserable!!

When we first got together it was a whirlwind, we fell in love quickly and pretty hard. We moved in together after around 6 months, more for financial reasons and because both of our leases were expiring. My son adores him. His DF has slowly been taking a back seat in his life over the last few years, since he remarried, and now for at least 6 months has not seen or spoken to him at all.
H works more than 60 hours a week most weeks away from home and also in the evening and weekends in his office. He has a professional job which has always been his first priority. He had a difficult childhood and has spent his adult years trying to move away emotionally and financially from it.
I work around 30 hours a week but for some months I have been off work with a chronic illness awaiting surgery which is imminent. This has obviously affected us financially as well as having a massive strain on our relationship. Things weren't great before, we haven't had a strong relationship since before we got married (I know that we shouldn't have but as many others before and no doubt since, we didn't want to waste the money and disappoint the guests).

So to now.. Our relationship is pretty much dead in the water but I can't leave. I've been attending a freedom program for a few weeks and I'm slowly learning that H has been emotionally abusing me. For those familiar with the program, he is a class A headworker, amongst others. I have been taking on the debts etc, any credit has been in my name, which has meant I've missed payments as I've been on SSP and H has still expected my full contribution to bills. All of this was with the for-thought of getting a mortgage at the end of this year. H (has extensive knowledge in the area) led me to believe that by doing so we would secure the best mortgage in his name only. He has told me now that this is not actually the case but it's going to be difficult for him to do so as long as I'm going to be living in the house..

The last 6 or so weeks have been the worst. He has been giving me the silent treatment, sleeping in the spare room, working until midnight some nights, not coming home without contact (although this is not new, he has always done this). I think this is because my beliefs have changed due to going to the program and he has sensed change in me. Gaslighting is his speciality and due to my ill mental health in the past, I struggle to understand when he is in the moment and only realise in hindsight which I can't then acknowledge because I'm then accused of 'dragging shit up from the past'. I highly doubt that there is an OW as his is really weird and doesn't like being touched, feels uncomfortable around more than a few people especially if he doesn't know them. He shows a lot of autistic traits (not that this is necessarily a bad thing as DS is diagnosed with asperger's).

I have no family, only a couple of friends, Im completely isolated since he moved me 2 hours from my home town last year for his work. I have no income or savings, only debt. I rely on him solely for help with childcare when I was at work and when I return to work after my surgery.

I'm sorry if you've got this far and you're bored.
Has anybody been in a similar circumstance and managed to dig their way out? Does anybody have any advice? I feel trapped and I don't know where to turn. He changes his mind almost hourly over whether he wants to continue the relationship, I really just don't know what to do anymore.

OP, I too left an abusive relationship with my DS, who was 6 at the time. It was bloody hard as I’m disabled (blind) I had no income of my own and me and XH owned, still own, 25% of a shared ownership house, which is still making things very difficult, and expensive, for me..

Anyway this is what I would do:

Stop giving him your money. he either defaults on the bills which are in his name, or he pays them himself, the choice is his.

Contact Step Change or a similar organisation and get them to help you make your debts more manageable.

Call Womens Aid and/or your local domestic abuse service and disclose to them that you’re living with domestic abuse. They can advise you,. They might also be able to provide you with supporting letters.

Call Shelter and ask them what your rights are wrt housing. If you want to book an appointment then you’ll need to be referred by CAB as they no longer make it easy to access their support. The helpline is a good start though.

Book an appointment with your local council. As you’re living with domestic abuse they will advise you on what housing options are available. As you’re not a home owner you may be entitled to a council tenancy, although they gatekeep very aggressively, or they may help you to secure private rented.

In the mean time try to live your life as if he wasn’t there. Can you get your mum or a friend to come and stay with you while you recover from your op? I know this is a hard one as I had absolutely no help or support when I was leaving my ex.

If he starts, call the police. Even if he just makes you feel unsafe, call them. Even if they don’t do anything the call will be logged and it’ll be supporting evidence when you approach that council. It’ll also reflect very badly on him if he’s been reported to the law. He’ll probably be aware of this so he’ll be a bit cute about the way he goes about things, but definitely call the police if you don’t feel safe.

The solicitor is a good idea if you can get a free consultation. Actually instigating anything might be difficult at the moment though as you’ve not got much money and solicitors are eye wateringly expensive. Trust me, I know.

Good luck. I know how difficult it is because I’ve been there myself but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise, you just have to go looking for it. Once you see it you’ll be on your way and you won’t look back. Being a single parent is hard, but you’ll manage, just like we all do, and not a day will go by when you’re not grateful to yourself for getting the hell out.

And finally, good luck with your op. I hope it goes well and that you have a speedy recovery.

@Whatisthisfuckery I e read over your post a few tones since last night. I'm so grateful for the advice and also for you sharing your story. I guess I'm like thousands of others and just afraid of the immediate upheaval even if the thought of where I'll be in 5 years is actually slightly exciting. I've had too many false starts now, I'm clearly co-dependant and I need to work on that too.
I have 5 counselling sessions starting in a few weeks and I'll continue to go to the freedom program whenever I can so I can try to get as much understanding and strength.

Isn't it hard when you don't have any evidence of what's going on. You can't exactly say 'he called me a name' or 'he stays late after work'. It's all a little pathetic really.

Today I need to focus on DS. He thinks I'm the bravest person in the world so I need to show him that he can be too!!

You will create the evidence by speaking up and getting support. Emotional abuse and coercive control is notoriously difficult to prove but people will believe you, and there is already evidence of his financial abuse don’t forget.

Purple it’s bloody hard, it really is, but you can do it. There was a time where I was on the verge of throwing myself in front of a train because I couldn’t see a way out, but I did get out, and every day I’m still amazed with myself that I did.

Once you take that first step back you’ll start to see and think more clearly, and you’ll probably be shocked at all the lies he’s made you believe in order to keep you under his thumb. There will be options, not necessarily great ones in the short term, but you can only work towards better things if you make the initial break.

Nurse yourself through your op, go to your Freedom Programme and your Counselling and work through the list. Once that little chink of light appears you’ll push yourself through the rest.

yes he is definitely abusing you financially.

it might be me being gimp but if you have not already done the mortgage do NOT whatsoever do it in his name, refuse and get it in yours, then kick the asshole out lol.

Please don't stay with this man, Men like this deserve to be alone plain and simple.

@Scorpvenus1 I can't get a mortgage in my name, my credit rating is disgustingly low!

Meant in absolutely the best spirit, there is the time when we're raging and upset and crying, quite rightly for whatever reason, because we've been wronged, or left by someone we love or whatever. But then we all have to reach the point, at the time that is right for us, and with whatever help we can rely on, be that family, friends or organisations, when we work out what we can do and how to achieve it. You have 1 child and a means of earning a living. This is really do-able. You absolutely can do this. Start to think, one step at a time, about what you can do, not why you can't. In terms of proving how awful he is, I'm not sure there's much mileage in that. You won't get a better or quicker divorce settlement because he's awful, especially as he's not your child's father. As others have said, stop contributing any money to the bills/him. Just say you can't on SSP and (lie) that you'll pay more in the future when you're back on full salary. Try to start to think about what you can do, however small, however immediate and build on that.

Some great advice here. Just wanted to add - unfortunately I was in a similar position to you, emotional abuse but unable to leave due to finances. No entitlement to benefits as a couple but my income was low enough to qualify as a single applicant. He wouldn’t leave as the house was jointly owned. In the end I filed for divorce while living under same roof but separated, once the papers were served I applied for tax credits, with a covering letter and a copy of the divorce papers. I was awarded tax credits as a single person (no questions asked) which allowed me to get out and rent somewhere else. Not sure if this helps you at all x

Hi lovely. There is a very good reason why in his written messages he's supportive and nice. He doesn't want to leave evidence of his abuse. This also means he very much knows that his behaviour and the way he speaks to you is abusive.

Regarding tax credits etc, you will be able to claim as a single person even if you're living together if you've split.

Log it. Seriously log it with the police if your scared.
I have never been afraid of a partner physically and if you are then that isn't OK.
Being woken up at 2 am for no good reason isn't OK.
You have one child and a way to support yourself, you are ace and you got this.
Steak to stepwise. Speak to the council ref domestic abuse and housing options. Speak to a solicitor.
You are entitled to half the assets. Does he have any savings accounts? Can u check safley?
Keep key documents safe so that you can get out quickly of needed.
Be safe

He doesn't have a lot in terms of savings that I know of. He must have something because he refers to them whenever we talk about money and the fact that me being on SSP is 'draining' them. Most of his spare cash goes into his pensions.

I'm going to get copies of anything I can find document wise from his office tomorrow when he is at work and I'll gather mine and my sons documents and put them somewhere safe.

He's completely oblivious to the stage I have got to now. It says something that I'm looking forward to Thursday so I can have two hours of being me true, authentic self. Not pretending I'm happy or that he's a god in a suit!!

I'm so scared of my surgery and today was emotionally draining but I'm just so unsupported. I called my DM earlier with the intention of offloading a little and she didn't even let me speak she just said she was busy and put the phone down.

I know I have options but I'm still unsure of if they're more appealing than where I am now.

Purple, there is an app you can get for your phone called Hollie Guard. My housing support worker, who also works for the local DV service recommended it to me. It’s a personal security app that lets you do things like set up silent alerts that message chosen contacts if you are in danger. You can also discretely get your phone to record or video by just pressing a button, so no flicking through menus and stuff. You can just stick your hand in your pocket and do it, so when he starts you can have your phone on you, or in bed next to you and you can secretly get it to record what’s going on. I haven’t downloaded it yet but I’m going to, and it sounds like it would be worth you downloading it. It’s free btw.

Thank you @Whatisthisfuckery I'll download it now before he's back from work.

It's been a quite couple of days actually. Need I note I've not seen him... messages are as sweet as ever and if it wasn't for the upcoming freedom program I would have forgotten how I really feel!

Aww it's made in honour of Hollie Gazzard. I remember watching the program about her death with H..

He's not come home again. It seems to be every time he tells me to wait to eat. Is it a coincidence or some sick way of messing with my head?
I spend my life waiting for him. I'm sick and fucking tired. I cannot wait to have my surgery so I can get out of here.

Well if it’s every time then what do you think? Pretty sure that if I said that to my DP and I was going to be too late I’d ring her well before, apologise profusely and tell her to eat, in fact I probably wouldn’t tell her to wait and to just go ahead if she was hungry, and she’d do the same if it was her. Just sayin.

Have your dinner. Stick his in the microwave with some cling film over it. Stop living your life as if he were the sun and you were the earth.

Thanks for the lightbulb moment @Whatisthisfuckery

This evening, H arrived home fairly late. Myself and a poorly DS were asleep in the sofa and he woke me up trying to get DS to go upstairs and accused him of pretending to be asleep. He was not, he went to sleep shortly after coming in from school. This really upset him and I had to console him and get him into bed and settle him back to sleep.
Whilst I was dealing with the aftermath, H was singing at the top of his lungs in the kitchen. What the fuck is that all about?
I went to bed pretty much straight after and he came up to read and has been so nice to me. Talking about my upcoming surgery and acting so supportive. My head is twisted into all sorts of shapes at the moment. I don't even know which way is up!

He was singing loudly because he wanted you and ds to know he didn't give a fuck he'd disturbed you both & upset your ds, and he was going to continue to disrupt the household. Because he can do whatever he likes, and he was happy about it.

acting so supportive - acting being the relevant word. It's an act.

Purple Why are you wondering what the fuck it’s all about? Does it even matter what it’s all about? He’s come in, woke you both up, upset DS then left you to deal with it while he intentionally makes a row downstairs. Then instead of reading elsewhere he’s come into the bedroom to disturb you some more. Even the most shitfaced partner on a saturday night at christmas would try to keep it down a bit, unlike him, who is not only being an inconsiderate fuck, but intentionally maximizing disruption and upset, and making sure you know he’s enjoying it.

Why are you even listening to his words at this point? He’s like watching The Shining with the soundtrack to Mary Poppins dubbed over it, and he’s fully aware of this. Keep your eyes on what he’s doing, shut your ears to all his chat and work on getting the hell out of there, cos it ain’t no jolly holiday he’s got in mind for you.

I wish I could click my fingers and make all of this go away 😕

I'm alone, poor, sick. It's a shit show and I'm the star.

I appreciate everything that you're saying to me, the suggestions, the support and the tough love. I'm taking it all on board and re-reading often.

Most of all I'm petrified.

I'd like to keep talking about it because it keeps it real and the wool out of my eyes but apart from a daily update of this is what he's done today, there's nothing new to say. I need distracting big time but then distractions make me forget the mess and once I've forgotten I forgive.

Distract yourself by arming yourself with information.The best way I found to get through was to keep doing tiny things.Every inch you move forward is an inch closer to getting out.It’s hard for you because you’re not well atm but you can stil pick up the phone to WA or your local domestic abuse service. Have you done this yet?

You need to make up your mind and stick to it. When I first decided to leave I wasn’t forgiving anything, I was just paralysed by the thought that it’d be impossible. I went down the council and they refused to help me because I owned a share in our house. That set me back for ages but I couldn’t cope staying there so I cast my net wider.

One thing I forgot to suggest is finding out if there’s a floating housing support service in your area. We have one here and they were really helpful. Your local domestic abuse service will signpost you if there is one. This is why it’s so crucial that you pick up that phone. They’re not going to help you if you don’t ask, but if you do then they will have information about everything that’s available, and they can probably help you access services you didn’t even know existed.

I know how hard it is when you’ve got no money and no help, and although I wasn’t physically unwell I was losing my eyesight, and I had virtually none to start with. I’m not special or clever, I’d just had enough and I didn’t want to waste any more of my life. He had 13 years of it and I wanted the rest for myself. It can be done, and you can do it, but not if you don’t start.

Is there a way you can avoid sharing a bed with him? I remember feeling physically sick having to sleep next to my ex so I started sleeping in the living room instead. Have you got a spare room, or could you bunk in with DS? Make up some excuse about needing not to be disturbed because of the op or something, just tell him any old shite to placate him. Also things like meals, if you cook then just leave his dinner in the micro and he can warm it up when he likes. Stop sharing the small things and try to live as seperate a life as you can.Doing that was the only thing that made it even semi bearable during the time it took me to find somewhere to live. Fucking hell the rows in those days were awful. He’d fly off the handle about any innocuous thing. Particular highlights include pushing me to the ground and when I grabbed the door frame to get up, slamming the door on my hand; bodily throwing me out of the house and screaming ‘fuck off you bitch’ at me in the street, and my personal favourite, pointing an enormous kitchen knife at my throat and telling me he’d just stopped himself from stabbing me. How galant of him eh? Interspersed of course by all the crying,, begging, telling me how much he loved me, how he’d kill himself if I left, how he’d change and it’d be wonderful blah blah blah. The only way I got through was just by being single minded and cutting myself off from it.

Anyway you need to work out what it is you’re petrified of. Is it being without him? Is it the difficulty of leaving, or his reaction when you do? Once you’ve worked out exactly what it is that you’re afraid of you need to get a pen and paper and work out exactly what it is about it that you’re afraid of, and what ways there are to work through it.

If it’s your fear of being sucked back in then do something I do when my anxiety becomes too much, a ’reality Vs what stupid shit my head is telling me’ chart, or in your case a ‘reality Vs what manipulative shit he’s telling you’ chart. Once you write things down like that it becomes easier to cope with.

Anyway I hope you have a better night tonight and that you don’t mind my musings.

I need to leave now. I can't stay a second longer.

Purple, please see if you can get into a refuge. Or could you explain the situation to your DM and stay there? Anything has to be better than this

De- lurking to say, if things are that bad then call the police or get you and DS to a police station.

Ring WA or your local domestic abuse service and tell them you need out now. They will help you with your surgery, DS and all the other stuff.

There isn’t a good short term solution at this point, but there is a less awful one.

You need not to be with him while you’re so vulnerable. Bastards like him just love a vulnerable woman to torment. You need to get your big girl pants on and do what’s right for you and your DS. Your DS doesn’t need a mother who is having a nervous breakdown. My DS had one of those and it did him no good whatsoever.

Done on, sort it.