Trapped and alone

[PurpleStripes]

Hi there, a little back story first (some details slightly altered to hide my identity from prying eyes).

I'm in my late 20's, married for a little over a year and I have a DS who is 9. My H is also around the same age and has no DC of his own. We have been together 4 years in total.
I am miserable!!

When we first got together it was a whirlwind, we fell in love quickly and pretty hard. We moved in together after around 6 months, more for financial reasons and because both of our leases were expiring. My son adores him. His DF has slowly been taking a back seat in his life over the last few years, since he remarried, and now for at least 6 months has not seen or spoken to him at all.
H works more than 60 hours a week most weeks away from home and also in the evening and weekends in his office. He has a professional job which has always been his first priority. He had a difficult childhood and has spent his adult years trying to move away emotionally and financially from it.
I work around 30 hours a week but for some months I have been off work with a chronic illness awaiting surgery which is imminent. This has obviously affected us financially as well as having a massive strain on our relationship. Things weren't great before, we haven't had a strong relationship since before we got married (I know that we shouldn't have but as many others before and no doubt since, we didn't want to waste the money and disappoint the guests).

So to now.. Our relationship is pretty much dead in the water but I can't leave. I've been attending a freedom program for a few weeks and I'm slowly learning that H has been emotionally abusing me. For those familiar with the program, he is a class A headworker, amongst others. I have been taking on the debts etc, any credit has been in my name, which has meant I've missed payments as I've been on SSP and H has still expected my full contribution to bills. All of this was with the for-thought of getting a mortgage at the end of this year. H (has extensive knowledge in the area) led me to believe that by doing so we would secure the best mortgage in his name only. He has told me now that this is not actually the case but it's going to be difficult for him to do so as long as I'm going to be living in the house..

The last 6 or so weeks have been the worst. He has been giving me the silent treatment, sleeping in the spare room, working until midnight some nights, not coming home without contact (although this is not new, he has always done this). I think this is because my beliefs have changed due to going to the program and he has sensed change in me. Gaslighting is his speciality and due to my ill mental health in the past, I struggle to understand when he is in the moment and only realise in hindsight which I can't then acknowledge because I'm then accused of 'dragging shit up from the past'. I highly doubt that there is an OW as his is really weird and doesn't like being touched, feels uncomfortable around more than a few people especially if he doesn't know them. He shows a lot of autistic traits (not that this is necessarily a bad thing as DS is diagnosed with asperger's).

I have no family, only a couple of friends, Im completely isolated since he moved me 2 hours from my home town last year for his work. I have no income or savings, only debt. I rely on him solely for help with childcare when I was at work and when I return to work after my surgery.

I'm sorry if you've got this far and you're bored.
Has anybody been in a similar circumstance and managed to dig their way out? Does anybody have any advice? I feel trapped and I don't know where to turn. He changes his mind almost hourly over whether he wants to continue the relationship, I really just don't know what to do anymore.

You are not alone you have a son

I would suggest that you concentrate on your surgery & health first

Will your husband offer you & your child support after your surgery ?
If he offers you little support, then you know the answer about the relationship & you can then make plans to leave

A solicitor cannot breach client confidentiality. You'd be daft to go to the firm right next door to his, but other than that don't give a second thought to your private information being passed on. That said, if the town is small, hop on a bus to the nearest large centre, just for your own peace of mind. You need to step back a bit and work out what matters. Lots of people don't own a home by late 20s. If you walk away from cutlery you've bought, it really doesn't matter. Your unhappiness and state of mind matter far more. Your child needs to see you smiling and enjoying life, and you can do that with very little money.

At the place where you go to the freedom program do then have support workers who can give you one to one support in regards to planning to leave and getting the right support to do so. They are the best people to know how to support you with the financial and housing issues too.

Well I got the free half hour and so did lots of people I know so it is common. See a solicitor who specialises in this. Don't listen to what that abusive idiot says, he's saying it deliberately to scare you.

I think that I will get physical support as I won't be able to even get to the toilet by myself for a few days, he's planning on working from home for the day of my surgery and a couple of days after. The worst days of my life are when he works from home. He tells me that he's too busy to talk but then is constantly on his group chat on WhatsApp. Emotionally he will passive aggressively make it known I'm a burden as he did when I had my previous surgery and continues to do so whilst I've been off work.

I'm not entitled to any other benefits whilst on SSP as I believe his salary counts towards the household income.

I will speak to the ladies at the freedom program this week, they're aware (in little detail) of my current situation.

I wish for one day that I could just feel like an equal human. I didn't realise it had got this bad, I thought I had some control and I believed things would change when I was back at work but looking bad he's used one excuse after another.

My head hurts, I feel so poorly anyway, I'm supposed to be on bed rest but there's little to no chance of that. In fact, I had a mini protest and didn't do any house work to see if he would step in and help me as I really do struggle, he decided to tell me the shower needs cleaning on his way out to work. I spent that entire day just cleaning and then crying.

Aw love, that's not normal or right. Have you considered going into a refuge?

You spent all day cleaning ?

You are supposed to be off work, sick waiting surgery. Do the minimum of cleaning, if he wants more cleaning, he can do it himself or employ a cleaner

Complete your surgery
Get back to work quickly
Plan an escape

Life is too short to be miserable

You are not his domestic appliance. Just saying.
He is seemingly an inteligent educated man. Why can’t you sit him down and tell him it’s not working and that you want him out, on the grounds of his emotional abuse. Whatever you’ll have to deal with afterwards, it’s in the future. For now, get rid of the dickhead. And if he’s being difficult, reputation in his line of work will make him reconsider his position.

If he is a solicitor and you divorce him, you will get reasonable financial settlement, especially if he is working 60 hours a week. Your significant financial problems could be relatively short lived.

I've said in many different ways that it isn't working. I started by trying to suggest ways to improve things which fell on deaf ears and now I'm positive he knows I've had enough. He won't leave, he feels that it's his home and he has nowhere else to go so why should he, he would rather live separate lives under the same roof which we may do for a few days but then he creeps back in.
The bills are in his name, the joint bills go from his account t, I just transfer half of the money. The only thing that is our joint responsibility that goes from mine in the council tax, which I pay 100% of (this gets ignored when he moans about how little I contribute).

This afternoon he has gone ballistic at me again because I ask him to open the kitchen door so I could hear a conversation between DS and his friend. There's back story to this that I won't bore you with.

May I be dumb enough to ask about financial settlements? We don't have any joint assets so how does it work?

Also again thank you. I'm so grateful to have this thread to check back in to. I don't feel quite as alone today.

Hi purple stripes

You are not alone in this situation, many people are in it and a lot of people have escaped from it. There is a life waiting for you after this that will be better. It probably hard to see it at the moment, I've been free of my relationship for over 3 years now, I have a since met and married the most amazing man who loves me and my son (and vice versa), my family adore him, plus my sons dad has been able to play a more active part in his life (my ex wouldn't even let him over the doorstep - we now have him, his wife and daughter for dinner!)

For now, concentrate on you and your op and getting yourself better. I wouldnt broach anymore conversations as you have tried and got nowhere, if in your mind you are planning to leave, spend your time getting your plan together.

Don't think of the whole leaving thing in one go. Break of bits of it and make a plan for that portion and then the next bit and so on. Could you amalgamate some debt so that it's on 0% interest for example to give you some breathing room and maybe reduce payments?

I really had to plan well, I think from about the November through till actually leaving in the February, I kept my head down and carried on as normal, whilst making arrangements for my son and I. There used to be a website called entitledto where you could plug in your details and it would let you know what help you would receive financially. Do you have anyone that could help you finance your own place whilst your tenancy ends/house is sold?

Thank you @Kayjay2018

I'm so glad that you've moved on and in a sort of twisted way I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only person that's gone through this with a step father if that makes sense. Every story I've tried to relate to, it's always been the father of their child/ren.

H has told me again today that he doesn't want to continue the relationship, that's twice today actually. This time he has cried. I begged him to just end it or not and he said to end it. He then asked me how that sits with me ???? What. ????
I feel sick. I'm not ready to do this yet. I haven't got any alternative arrangements, DS just have him his first Father's Day card with Dad on, not just step dad. How fucking cruel!!!

I'm sitting upstairs trying to make sense of my options whilst DS takes a bath oblivious to the pain I'm about to cause.

@PurpleStripes do you have anyone in your local area that you can confide in? Do your work offer any help? I am quite a loner by nature, but had a few work colleagues who I was able to confide in, my mum and dad were also part of the solution (they lived 45 mins away but were luckily able to assist a bit financially).

Is there anyone you could stay with once you are better? Even if it means a pants commute to work? I remember planning that I would have to leave their house at 6:45 to get son to school (in the end I didn't use that as an option). Most schools and work will be supportive if they know what's happening.

Just want you to know you are definitely not on your own. When you are in it it feels like there is no way out and no end. I was in a situation where I couldn't see a way out financially and I did manage it in the end.

Give me a shout if you have any questions I can answer.

Thank you again!

When we moved I already moved an hour commute away. I only have H family who are 90minutes in the opposite direction and my DM who is 90 minutes in a different direction again, and is also part of the bigger problem. DS changed schools just a couple of months ago. I'm actually screwing up how's childhood!!

I need to focus on my upcoming surgery. It I'm terrified that I'll be alone with DS immediately afterwards. I won't be able to get him to school, feed him, give him a cuddle, anything. He has spent months trying to look after me whilst I been insistent that it's not his job..I can't retract now. I almost don't want to go for my surgery so as not to add the the problems.

I was at the checkout in the supermarket today and opposite was a wedding dress shop. I have to hold back tears that he had stolen my only white wedding, the first was fucking horrendous and there certainly won't be a third. I'm averaging one a decade at the moment how embarrassing.

I believed he was my happy ending. Not even happy actually, I was content with just an ending.

He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship with you, when you are sick & about to have surgery
How heartless
How selfish
You would be better on your own with your son emotionally, physically, financially

I've got a bit lost in the detail, and I'm sure it must seem insurmountable to you. But. It is entirely possible to be on your own, without siblings or parental support. Without a husband or child maintenance from a decent or wealthy ex. You can bring up one child in a happy family of 2 and be really, really happy together. We are.

I'm sorry you got lost, I'm not surprised, I am lost!!! How do you cope financially? How do you begin to support a child on a poorly paid job with no help with childcare?

I've just cried and cried and stupidly tried to get him to understand my side. He's now in the kitchen singing along to the fucking radio whilst I'm on my bed in agony! I'm such a mug.

@Kayjay2018 what did you do when you did leave? Where did you live?..

@PurpleStripes I tried to leave once before I actually managed it. That time I went to my parents, then he moved out of the house we owned so I went back and stayed in it, he told me how I wouldn't be able to cope without him financially and otherwise, that time I allowed him to come back.

Roll forward a year, I knew I couldn't do the same, I spoke with my parents and told them the situation. I went online and found the cheapest place to stay (that would allow me to take my cat) and arranged a viewing with my parents (I needed the moral support). Sadly my Nan had passed away 3 months earlier and they had been left some money. They put down the deposit money and paid for 6 months rent ( I was still liable for half of the mortgage on my house £800 a month so couldn't afford that and to rent somewhere).

Money was still really tight as I had to pay my half of mortgage ,full council tax on my owned property and unoccupied home insurance (as he had moved out of it too - trying to get me to go back and stay there), plus council tax and all bills on the one I was renting. I never told him where I moved to, if we met it was away from the houses in public.

Are you renting or do you have a mortgage?

Wow. I can't believe how strong you were, I don't feel half that brave. We are renting at the moment. I can't afford anything. My DF was arrested a few years ago with threats to kill my DS after my DM finally left him after 35 years of horrendous abuse, my DM doesn't have any money, she has been sending the odd £5 or £10 for DS bus fair for counselling and ASC's. She's also hours and hours away and I've not seen her since she left. My take home on SPP is a little change under £380, I am expected for pay £400 to H, £150 CT and my personal bills such as phone/car insurance/sky(because DS uses the internet more than anyone)/etc is approx £250-£300 and that's before I've even looked at paying anything towards the debts. I've been selling every possession I own just to get by and rapidly running out of big ticket items so now I'm selling odds and soda for 20p.
I know I need to get back to work and start paying off debts and saving some money before I can do anything. I just fear I won't be allowed the time to as I keep having the rug pulled. The only day of the week that I look forward to is Friday mornings when I go to the program and this week will be my last until I recover and then I either need to lie to work to continue or miss it continuously.
Rock and hard place is a massive understatement.

God I sound so full of self pity. I promise I'm not. I've just procrastinated and looked at every possible scenario and even though I know I can't be certain, the fear of being right keeps me in my place.

@Kayjay2018

@PurpleStripes I'm honestly not that brave. I think I realised I didn't wasn't to spend the next 50odd years of my life unhappy.

I still live in the local area and even after 3 years I'm terrified of seeing him as I don't know how he would react to seeing me.

Thought id send you a few links so you could do a bit of research. I always think if you know what could happen then you can deal with it. At the moment I imagine it's hard to see a way out.

This company helped my sons dad - not sure if debt is an issue but from memory they contact anyone you have a debt with and get them to stop or minimise the interest and agree a payment plan based on what you can afford - even if it's only £5 a month - that may help you free up some money www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/debt-management-plan.aspx

This is where you can find out any benefits you are entitled to
www.entitledto.co.uk/

This charity has a helpline and will be able to let you know your options. What he is doing is a form of abuse, you don't need to have bruises to be abused and hopefully these people will be able to help with advice on housing options and benefits www.womensaid.org.uk/

Do you have long left on your tenancy agreement? Are you named on it? If not, you may be able to approach your council and say you are being made homeless. They then have a responsibility to house you.

@PurpleStripes one other thing, I would make sure you get how you feel and what he says/does recorded at your gps, they may be able to open up options for you as well, and having something in writing with them may help.

Even though I've not seen H today, I've had little respite. DS has been poorly and through pure anxiety I've taken him to the GP who has asked for an urgent blood test. I can't even begin to think of my own problems now.

I've been mostly left alone at least. Actually, there's never much crap thrown over text message, he's almost a model partner. I have told him about DS and he's shown written signs of support. That's one thing at least.

My pain today is horrendous. I'm certain it's triggered by stress. I listened to a podcast about IBS and the relationship between the illness and high levels of fight or flight. It was so insightful.

OP, consider going into a refuge - you're being financially and emotionally abused, amongst other things. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?