Trapped and alone

[PurpleStripes]

Hi there, a little back story first (some details slightly altered to hide my identity from prying eyes).

I'm in my late 20's, married for a little over a year and I have a DS who is 9. My H is also around the same age and has no DC of his own. We have been together 4 years in total.
I am miserable!!

When we first got together it was a whirlwind, we fell in love quickly and pretty hard. We moved in together after around 6 months, more for financial reasons and because both of our leases were expiring. My son adores him. His DF has slowly been taking a back seat in his life over the last few years, since he remarried, and now for at least 6 months has not seen or spoken to him at all.
H works more than 60 hours a week most weeks away from home and also in the evening and weekends in his office. He has a professional job which has always been his first priority. He had a difficult childhood and has spent his adult years trying to move away emotionally and financially from it.
I work around 30 hours a week but for some months I have been off work with a chronic illness awaiting surgery which is imminent. This has obviously affected us financially as well as having a massive strain on our relationship. Things weren't great before, we haven't had a strong relationship since before we got married (I know that we shouldn't have but as many others before and no doubt since, we didn't want to waste the money and disappoint the guests).

So to now.. Our relationship is pretty much dead in the water but I can't leave. I've been attending a freedom program for a few weeks and I'm slowly learning that H has been emotionally abusing me. For those familiar with the program, he is a class A headworker, amongst others. I have been taking on the debts etc, any credit has been in my name, which has meant I've missed payments as I've been on SSP and H has still expected my full contribution to bills. All of this was with the for-thought of getting a mortgage at the end of this year. H (has extensive knowledge in the area) led me to believe that by doing so we would secure the best mortgage in his name only. He has told me now that this is not actually the case but it's going to be difficult for him to do so as long as I'm going to be living in the house..

The last 6 or so weeks have been the worst. He has been giving me the silent treatment, sleeping in the spare room, working until midnight some nights, not coming home without contact (although this is not new, he has always done this). I think this is because my beliefs have changed due to going to the program and he has sensed change in me. Gaslighting is his speciality and due to my ill mental health in the past, I struggle to understand when he is in the moment and only realise in hindsight which I can't then acknowledge because I'm then accused of 'dragging shit up from the past'. I highly doubt that there is an OW as his is really weird and doesn't like being touched, feels uncomfortable around more than a few people especially if he doesn't know them. He shows a lot of autistic traits (not that this is necessarily a bad thing as DS is diagnosed with asperger's).

I have no family, only a couple of friends, Im completely isolated since he moved me 2 hours from my home town last year for his work. I have no income or savings, only debt. I rely on him solely for help with childcare when I was at work and when I return to work after my surgery.

I'm sorry if you've got this far and you're bored.
Has anybody been in a similar circumstance and managed to dig their way out? Does anybody have any advice? I feel trapped and I don't know where to turn. He changes his mind almost hourly over whether he wants to continue the relationship, I really just don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried to call and left a voicemail. I'm not sure whether this is better or not. I'm afraid my anxiety will be too much if they call back to answer

I think sickness works just fine. He’s a fucking sickness, a sickness to humanity.

You could tell him to fuck off and leave then, if he doesn’t like it. he won’t though, because who would centre his feelings above all things then, and who would he use as an emotional punching bag because he can’t deal with his disappointment in himself by himself.

The pivotal question, is do you want to remain his emotional prop and punch bag? and if not, what are you going to do in order not to be? And more over, how are you going to protect your DS, who it’s clear by your H’s behaviour that he doesn’t give a tiny shiny shit about? He needs to live in an environment where the parent he lives with loves and cares about him, rather than 50% of them not giving a shit and destroying his future emotional wellbeing in the process.

Just get on the bloody phone ffs.

I have tried to call. They didn't answer so I had to leave a voicemail.
Thank you for your tough words. I need that right now!

They've called back. I have a few more numbers to call to get a support worker and make a plan. I'm so glad I answered!!!!

Well done, you’ve just made your first step towards being free of his shit. No matter how many more steps there are ahead of you, there’ll be one less than there was yesterday, and the first step is the hardest.

Get on that phone, call all those numbers and get all the help you can. Things will feel easier if you’ve got someone irl to support you and help you with the practical stuff.

Well done again. Well done well done well done. Keep it up.

@PurpleStripes well done, I'm so pleased for you. Information is power!!

This is about you getting control over your life and destiny!

I promise you, you have no idea right now how much better you will feel when you are on the other side of this

Thank you!!
I called them all and none were what I was expecting. I have some point blank no, one with a 2 month waiting list, one want me to call the day I'm ready to leave and gave me advice on packing ready for that day but can't offer me a support worker in the meantime and another that can offer me a support worker in a couple of weeks but don't have refuges.
The one that can cater for an emergency departure were amazing and have said to call again if I get no further with finding an ongoing support worker and they will see what they can do.
I'm drained but slightly optimistic

Hope your pain as nearly subsided and your more able to move about
Your physical and mental strength is needed. Don’t take too much on to trigger your anxiety sky high, baby steps

Regarding the eBay thing, is it too late to tell them not to post and for them to hold on to?
It’s gonna take a few days I should imagine.

Ring them back and tell them you have not got anyone, you’ve rang several numbers.
See what they can come up with.

What about shelter?

I tried shelter and I'm waiting on a call back. Well I didn't try to, one of the freedom leaders did for me. She contacted someone she knows but they couldn't give an answer there and then

TBH Shelter will only advise you, which is what a good refuge/domestic abuse org will do as well, only they will have specific expertees, where as Shelter will not necessarily.

Can you work on getting all the important stuff together? Then however it comes about you’ll be ready to up and leave.Do as PP have suggested and give the emergency people a call again. Even if you just go on a waiting list for somewhere you’ll feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

You really will feel differently when you do finally get out of there. You’ll have a wobbly few days but then you’ll get used to the peace, and being able to relax without worrying about the next barrage coming your way and you’ll wonder wtf you were doing leaving it for so long, and children really do love adventures, especially ones where their horrible abusive parent is not coming along.

Yeah I was waiting on a call back that didn't materialise so I will call the emergency one tomorrow. I've been asked today is I'm planning on going into 'one of those battered wives homes'. He doesn't hit me and it makes out it's all his fault when it's not if I do apparently.
I'm scared that he's working out my plan now. Really scared. Tonight he has love bombed me, had a constructive conversation about our future and given me his ring back...all in 3 hours.

I'm exhausted!

He left me last night. Metaphorically of course. Presented me with his ring said he was done blah blah. I didn't say a lot and I thought that would be it. Tomorrow I can look at more permanent options.

But no.

He came back up 15 minutes later crying. Saying how difficult everything is at the moment. I said that it was fine, go downstairs, go to sleep and we can deal with it tomorrow.

Back to original plan.

He came upstairs some point between 4 and 5. I know this because a little after 5 I was woken up to him laying his head on me, spoke to me and then asked me to set an alarm. I said yeah fine whatever but my phone didn't recognise my face, strange, so I tried to put my password in but in my sleepy haze I put it in wrong and I was locked out for 15 minutes. Straight away.

I just said I can't do it now sorry and went back to sleep.

I've just checked. There was 2 minutes activity on my screen time between 4 and 5 and 3 minutes between 5 and 6. I'm not stupid, DS has locked me out of my phone enough times to know that 25 minutes of after a 3 /5 minute lock out and it's TEN attempts to even get that.

Before he left he asked me who I was kissing in my dream. What the fuck?? No one I know of. He said I was pouting and pursing my lips. Ok cool I was asleep. He then presented me with his ring again.

I've had enough by this point. He then cries, says sorry, sit's and puts his hand on my knee and tells me how difficult all of this is for him at the moment. Just go to work I say to him. (I haven't even taken my tablets or got out of bed yet. Although I have been offered a coffee, 4 times no less)

In a little under an hour I'm calling that emergency number.
It sounds dramatic but I'm so scared of spending the weekend with him. He's so irrational and up and down and doing things he's never done before. Saying things he's never said before. I don't know what's going to happen next and I don't want to find out.

DS cried when he went to work, I think he knows too.

@PurpleStripes
I'm sorry to hear you have had such an awful night. Sadly his behaviour is almost text book! You are doing the right thing, this is starting to impact your son as well as you and that is not healthy for him. He will be learning by what he sees and you don't want him thinking this behaviour he witnesses is ok or the norm. All he needs is a happier less stressed mum. It really doesn't matter where you are living, how big or small.

None of this is easy and for me, I nearly left loads of times before I really did. When you are on the phone, just think what advice you would be giving the person who just wrote your post (imagining it was someone else and not you). You are a strong woman and can do this. Make sure you tell them you are afraid to spend the weekend with him. That very sentence you just typed should be a trigger for action

This has been impacting Purple’s son for a long time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her H has been saying things to him.

Purple did you get back into your phone? He’s been into it, or at least he’s tried, when you were asleep I’m afraid.

I think you need to pull out all the stops and get out as a matter of urgency.The most dangerous time is when an abusive man knows a woman is leaving. All bets are off from here on. He’s never been so close to the point of losing control of you before I’ll bet so you really don’t know what he’s capable of.

Please do ring the emergency number, and tell them what’s been happening, especially about him attempting to hack into your phone. You really need not to be there when he returns, if he does return, and even if he doesn’t, you’ll never be sure where he is, when he might come back and what he might do.

I think things have reached critical mass for you now and you really have to make it happen. The fact that he’s trying to access your phone demonstrates that he’s worried, and that’s not a good sign for you. Unless you stick your phone up your arse he’s going to try again, or just steel it while you’re asleep. You don’t need to be a tech expert to hack a phone while the face and thumbprint barer is there, you just need to wait till they’re asleep, and there are many ways to make a person go to sleep, and there is an entire internet’s worth of dodgy web sites dedicated to scumbags who want to do it.

I hope you have some luck with the phone number. If not please find something else..

Thank you!!

I called the number there is nothing literally NOTHING in the entire county in terms of refuge space today.

My only option is to present myself as homeless at the council office.

I've packed a few bags, I'll probably look like a crazy person without the amount of random stuff I've packed but I don't give a shit. I have DS favourite things, not all but the ones I can carry and he can't live without. I was running around in chaos wondering whether I need an iron and then completely forgot I need a clean pair of socks. I've called the school and told them I have an appointment that I won't be back in time for pickup therefore I need to collect him, I've arranged to collect him during lunch time but after he's eaten. I'm leaving in 20 minutes. I'm just having a coffee and sitting down. I'm exhausted!!! So much for bed rest.

I'm so so so fucking scared of what's to come.

Please wish me luck (x)

Nothing is going to be the same from this point and that brings such an arrangement of emotions.

@PurpleStripes just make sure you have any medication you and your son may need, and debit credit cards you own, passport, driving license, spare change of clothes and a few bits for your son. The rest is stuff which if needed could be replaced.

@PurpleStripes are you able to check he hasn't downloaded any new software on your phone last night?

@PurpleStripes I have also just googled and found that if you are going to be homeless due to domestic violence then you can apply to any council in the uk, not just the one you are in.

Make sure you express your fear of violence and fear for the safety of your child if you go back.

I've had two appointments with different solicitors in which they gave free advice. They only charged for drawing up documents, when I asked them to do that. The ones who do this normally state it clearly on their ads. I don't know why ppl always spring up on MN claiming it's some kind of myth that some solicitors offer this.

Hang on in there. Thinking of you xx

I'm at the homeless centre. Registered with them and as going through tat women's aid called back saying a space had opened, I aren't actually entitled to it as I don't have enough children but they're willing to consider me due to my recent surgery.

I'm waiting for a call now. If I don't get it then the homeless place are providing a B and B or hotel room for the weekend and then I can reassess on Monday.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this!!!!

I've turned all of my location settings and sharing options off on my phone and I'll do the same on DS iPad.

Again I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm so scared and I feel sick and it feels so real. I feel like a fraud. I'm scared of H reaction. I'm worried about tell DS that it's not just a weekend holiday.

The only bonus is, I either go to a hotel which will be an adventure for him or I'll go to the refuge which is a self contained flat.

@PurpleStripes well done! You are not a fraud. Just because they are not physical bruises you have still been being abused.

Excellent about making sure location and find my iPhone settings are turned off. I remember the fear very very well and still feel it every few weeks or so. I still live in the local area and see his car around and am still afraid over 3 years on, of his reaction if I were to bump into him.

Be prepared, he will try and contact you, being nice at first and eventually not so nice at all. He will want to meet up with you. He will threaten to ruin the stuff left behind. If you need to get anything, make sure someone is with you.

Really really well done. It will be a tough few days but things will get better

purplestripes just wanted to chime in and say well done-sometimes the right thing to do in a situation isn't the easiest but I think you know you're doing the right thing. Stay brave, keep on going and things will get better. I wish you and your child all the best.