Wonderful new man met online but. . .

[Idontseeit]

We are both going through nasty divorces. ExH and I never got along after the birth of our second child 6 years ago. We are moving on. I joined 1 dating website 6 months ago and spoke to new guy. I then realised it was too soon so wrote to him telling him I wasn’t up for it.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, I wrote to him & we met, got along brilliantly, have had an amazing time together 😁. He was the only date I went on. I’m 45 with a 9 & 6 year old so was naturally apprehensive. But he is so attentive, kind & considerate I thought fuck it and enjoy. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and the sex is out of this world 😊

So he was in a relationship with his wife for 24 years, has 2 DDs age 18. Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. The exW got a boyfriend 2 weeks after they split up a year ago. They are accepting of this. Now dad has a relationship, they are not so cool about it. For example, they came back from university & knew we were in a relationship. We went out to his local pub and his DD rocked up and caused a scene accusing him of not answering his phone to her. Said things like ‘ I know what your priorities are’. Then later we were in bed and she stormed into his room screaming like a banshee saying ‘ you are having sex, how dare you, you don’t care about us, you are an alcoholic’. Blah blah.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point? I can truthfully say he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Trust me after the abuse I’ve put up with I’m after lovely now.

Where do I go from here?

I would suggest some future dates/meet ups without alcohol in the mix too.

I can't quite get my head around the fact that after his dd caused a scene in the pub, you went back to his place and shagged him.
Nice work.

"My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. "

Don't you think the "blip" might be their parents splitting up thanks to Dad's affair, rather than you coming on the scene?

OP, it really wasn't good to go back to his place after what happened in the pub. And the fact that he thought it was ok does say a lot.

However, his daughter was in the wrong to storm into the bedroom. She is old enough to know better BUT she must have been furious to feel that that was the best thing to do in the circumstances. The reason for that fury is obviously your chap putting his love life before his daughter. Which does make him sound a bit selfish.

I do think you are getting a hard time here, however. People are talking from their past experiences. But the fact that many of those posters fell for similar patter means that they shouldn't be wording things as nastily to you.

Just watch out, keep an eye out for his drinking. Teens these days drink far less than when middle aged people were kids, so they may well see their dad's drinking as alcoholism when it is simply that he drinks an unhealthy amount. Having said That, be aware of it and stash the comment away for future reference.

The marriage breaking down because of an affair. Sadly it happens. Exit affairs are common. Not right, but pretty common. The person who has the affair will always look like the bad one, even if the other person had destroyed the marriage. Marriages and relationships are messy. BUT, you do only have his word for it so again, stash the information and be careful.

Good luck whatever happens. Take it slowly. Maybe see whether he badmouths his ex in terms of her mothering? A nice man will always say "crap wife but great mum" if indeed that is the case. If he has nothing nice to say about her, then I would be wary.

Everyone's defending the daughters but the truth is we just don't know , they could easily be mummy's little darlings , ready to be evil to and about dad at any given opportunity, to so readily act as they have suggests that they have been acting like this for some time
Maybe , just maybe the guy lived in a household that consisted of the females ganging up on him constantly for years

Yes, sure this is real, mmhmm, most definitely.

PMSL at the comments by @fatfluffycushion .. ^

R U OK ??

Why is your user name “Ijustdontseeit” ? Have you spoken about this in RL and got the same reaction as in here?

Yes, of course this happened

@funnylittlefloozie

Tbh, we're probably wasting our time. If all the OP wanted was woolly hugs and agreement that his daughter was a big old poopyhead meanie, she should have said. I suspect that the OP thinks we are all jealous because we aren't having the AMAZING SEX that she is having, because she is the only woman in the world to have got a new BF after a crappy marriage, and be doing lots of AMAZING SEX.

LOL this made me laugh. ^

And yes, it IS Funny how these women always have to talk about the AMAZING SEX they are always having.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I always laugh quietly when women (usually 35-40 +) brag about their amazing sex life with their newish (usually younger) man. What are they trying to prove? And who are they trying to convince?

In some cases, even if they are having AMAZING sex; it's the only good thing that they ARE getting out of the relationship, as their man is usually a cocklodger, or a gaslighting, abusive loser, who has been kicked out by some poor, long suffering (ex) wife, who finally saw the light!

@ChristmasFluff at 8.30 today

Somewhere out there is a sociopath telling his newish partner about me. He always does, as damage control, in case the Police find out he is in a relationship and inform her of his convictions under Clare's Law.

He will be telling her I was a nightmare manipulator, who was pathologically jealous and controlling, who drove him to drink, and then convinced the Police that he was beating me up. Then to top it off I tricked him into vandalising a car and breaking a restraining order.

Meanwhile, he'll be coming on all Prince Charming, being everything her ex wasn't, and more. At least at the start.

Just saying.

AMAAZZZING post. Speaks volumes. And so many women (who have had hideous controlling losers for partners, like the OP although she doesn't see it!) can relate to that.

@Idontseeit

Most of these women sound harsh, bitter, negative and just generally horrid. So happy I am not any of them.

LOL!

And we are sooooooooo happy we are not you dear.

Good luck! You're gonna need it!

@ChristmasFluff I have one of those too. Almost word for word the same.

Mine started off in the same way as the OP. met him, and he sobbed about his marriage and his affair, and I thought he was wonderful. Managed to ignore the fact he'd had an affair. He drank too much, everyone was mad. He lovebombed me, and I thought he was amazing. Had I written this thread 2 months after meeting him, I'd have said the same. exactly. and I wouldn't have listened to anyone.

but I didn't know him. He lied and lied, is incapable of love, or being faithful - when I dug down into his history he'd had many affairs. Had many relationships, his marriage hadn't really ended when he said it had.

You are blaming your boyfriends wife and children when really you should be looking at him. You don't know him. His affair is not a blip in his children's lives - it will affect them for their whole lives. Going to bed after the scene in the pub? if he was any kind of a father he would have focused on his daughter and sent you home. He would have put her first.

Interesting first post @fatfluffycushion

@christmasfluff mine ended up being violent. I could see from his behaviour with me, and with a former girlfriend that the cycle of abuse got worse and worse over time. It started off with control, gradually got worse (coercive) into sex and violent stuff. His current gf knows about the violence, but chooses to ignore it. Because I'm mad. And so is his previous gf. It's odd how many mad ex gfs one man can have.

It's odd how blind we can be when we want to believe something. I was.

Be careful about what people tell you about their exes. My husband who I am almost divorced from came across to me as a lovely family man who'd worked three jobs while his ex sat on her bum doing nothing. She made him desperately unhappy and he tried to have "friendship" with another woman to help him through it. She stopped him seeing his daughter, she took all his money the list went on. He was totally Prince Charming to me when we met. Fast forward 8 years, he's been gone almost a year after developing a "friendship" with a woman at work. He now describes me as the person above - couldn't be further from the truth.

His children probably have a much clearer idea of who their dad is, and its clear that his daughter is struggling. He needs to focus his attention on sorting out his relationship with her.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I always laugh quietly when women (usually 35-40 +) brag about their amazing sex life with their newish (usually younger) man. What are they trying to prove? And who are they trying to convince?

No one. They’re not trying to convince anyone. They’re just happy and so showing off a little.

They’re relieved and excited. They left the shitty, boring marriage/relationship and they’re not shy about what a good decision that was.

OP, you admitted that he had an affair. Therefore you will get hardly any sense out of most on here.

Trust yourself.

Not wanting to troll hunt but is OP actually genuine?

Moon good question. My experience of threads like this, when genuine, is that they are started by a woman who has a lurking suspicion that all is not well. It almost certainly isn't, if you're feeling warning vibes at a level where you'd ask online.

Often however the OP isn't yet in a place where they can accept the answer, so they get defensive, aggressive and latch onto the rare post saying everything's probably lovely. But (with genuine threads) there are hints that the message is sinking in and/or flashes of uncertainty.

I'm not picking any of that up from this OP; I am picking up a vibe of enjoying provoking a reaction.

TL:DR yes.

So happy I am not any of them
Not as happy as I can guarantee they are not to be you right now. I'm embarrassed for you OP as I'm sure you yourself will be eventually.

You won't listen OP as I'm not going to say what you want to hear. You don't know this man, a few weeks of great sex and flattery does not mean you know him. Yes, his daughter should not have burst in but why on earth were you in his bed when they had just come home to see him? Just a bit of space may have made all the difference for them to get to know you in the right way, if this relationship is going to have any legs.
You however are welcome to your cheating, drinking, thoughtless father, man, I don't think many MNetters are queuing up for him!

I agree about the honeymoon period, even we ladies can do this, make up, hair, best clothes etc, Hell I managed to hide the fact I don’t like sex that much for at least 3 years

OP, I am a nice person - and I concur with the posters here. You remind me of my late mum. She had a good heart and a miserable life filled with abusive relationships. All she wanted was to find real love. She saw every new partner as a soulmate until proven otherwise. She was never right. Her last husband was a particularly nasty piece of work, already fucking around when she was dying in a hospice. Her children and ex wife tried to warn her, but she believed her short term experience over their decades of it.

Don’t make the same mistakes as my mum. I am gutted that she never found what she wanted.

@Idontseeit can I ask you what his (and your) reactions were to his DD after she'd come to the pub and was angry? Did he try to talk to her? Explain? Go after her if she went off upset?

Or did he stay with you and continue drinking and having a lovely time? Is it possible you both laughed about her outburst and he minimised it?

If it is the latter, then no she is not being a brat and he was being a thoughtless wanker. If it was the former, he should have had a little more sensitivity than to have a bit of afternoon delight with you under the circumstances.

Just intrigued to know how the showdown at the pub played out?

You clearly want to continue this relationship and continue the great sex. Okay, but please, please:

• Don't trust him blindly. Earned trust: good. Blind, unearned trust: stupid. And unforgiveable where children are present

• Keep your dcs well away. No playing happy families. He's clearly not good at it.

• Look after your own health, mental, physical and sexual. You owe it to your dcs to keep yourself well to look after them, and not to get sucked into other people's drama.

But otherwise, there's nothing wrong with a bit of good sex, if you can keep those appropriate boundaries in place.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point?

I think she has a point Op. It was really inappropriate to stay over at this stage. I would be very very cross if my Exh did this.

Most of these women sound harsh, bitter, negative and just generally horrid. So happy I am not any of them.

You could have fooled us by the harsh, bitter, negative and generally horrid way you speak about his ex.