Wonderful new man met online but. . .

[Idontseeit]

We are both going through nasty divorces. ExH and I never got along after the birth of our second child 6 years ago. We are moving on. I joined 1 dating website 6 months ago and spoke to new guy. I then realised it was too soon so wrote to him telling him I wasn’t up for it.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, I wrote to him & we met, got along brilliantly, have had an amazing time together 😁. He was the only date I went on. I’m 45 with a 9 & 6 year old so was naturally apprehensive. But he is so attentive, kind & considerate I thought fuck it and enjoy. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and the sex is out of this world 😊

So he was in a relationship with his wife for 24 years, has 2 DDs age 18. Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. The exW got a boyfriend 2 weeks after they split up a year ago. They are accepting of this. Now dad has a relationship, they are not so cool about it. For example, they came back from university & knew we were in a relationship. We went out to his local pub and his DD rocked up and caused a scene accusing him of not answering his phone to her. Said things like ‘ I know what your priorities are’. Then later we were in bed and she stormed into his room screaming like a banshee saying ‘ you are having sex, how dare you, you don’t care about us, you are an alcoholic’. Blah blah.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point? I can truthfully say he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Trust me after the abuse I’ve put up with I’m after lovely now.

Where do I go from here?

You say you had an abusive upbringing. It’s easy to compare situations and deem them “not as abusive”, making abuse easier to accept because it wasn’t the same as you experienced.

“He likes a drink, so do I, big deal.” You avoided the question regarding his alcohol abuse because you desperately want him to be the perfect man but when the rose coloured glasses start to slip you’ll see him for what he really is. A cheater, a half arsed father and a drunk.

Most of these women sound harsh, bitter, negative and just generally horrid. So happy I am not any of them.
^
Horrid, nasty women taking time to read your OP and give advice often born out of experience. Just ignore us, we're clearly all jealous of you, with your prince amongst men.

Or is it just that we see the situation more clearly than you can?

OK... this is what I don't get.
His DD is home from Uni. It's been a difficult time for her with her parents splitting up. Why, in god's name, is he out with you in the pub at that point? And then to make it even worse, he takes you back to his house for a shag when his DD so obviously wanted some time with her Dad?

It is something I would not dream of doing. His priorities are skewed. I would be absolutely mortified to be in his bed on the evening his DD came home from Uni and wanted to be with him. Why on earth did you go home with him when the situation was obviously tense from what happened in the pub? I would've gone home and let him sort out his DD. You both sound a bit selfish TBH

Also OP I really don't know how you seem to know he is a kind man.

Look.... there is the truth in the middle. Then there is his exW/daughters' version of what went on/what he is like. And then there on the other side is the version you have been spoonfed and taken on. Somewhere between those two versions are the truth. Why are you believing everything he has told you?

The wife was sooo terrible that he stayed with her for 25 years . Where are your children in all of this ?

You sound like a twat and so does he.

Both like a drink and his daughters called him a alcoholic.

If his kids were coming over why would you go back to his room. Or were you both pissed up and starting to have sex when they were in the house.

What a mess.

if you are happy with this new relationship and that's what matters to you enjoy it while it lasts

Somewhere out there is a sociopath telling his newish partner about me. He always does, as damage control, in case the Police find out he is in a relationship and inform her of his convictions under Clare's Law.

He will be telling her I was a nightmare manipulator, who was pathologically jealous and controlling, who drove him to drink, and then convinced the Police that he was beating me up. Then to top it off I tricked him into vandalising a car and breaking a restraining order.

Meanwhile, he'll be coming on all Prince Charming, being everything her ex wasn't, and more. At least at the start.

Just saying.

Do you fancy a drink/Just the one/To clear your head/ We won't be long

OP, I was in the exact same position as you 2.5 years ago. My wonderful BF had cheated on his wife of 17 years, she was an alcoholic, nasty etc etc.

I was naive, straight out of a long marriage and thought I’d met ‘the one’. Sex was amazing etc.

He rushed me along with the relationship as he’d been single (or had been in numerous failed relationships I found out later) for 4 years, and I trusted his experience of how to manage the situation as we both had teenagers and thought he knew best.

My daughter reacted the same as hers has.

Relationship now over due to him cheating on me and being an abusive narcissist.

I’m in therapy as a result. It’s taken me months to repair the damage done to my two children by my thoughtless naive actions.

These men do not change. He may be prioritising you over his kids which feels flattering in a skewed way, but his behaviour sounds awful. You should not have been in his house on his daughters first visit home and it screams of a classic narcissistic selfish trait. It shows he has no empathy.

I would tread very carefully and if he won’t prioritise his children they you must, and not be there while they are. 2 months is nothing.

Next time I have a relationship I will not be involving my children for many, many months. The fact that she was so upset would be a huge red flag for me now, and I would be backing off.

This is almost hilarious that youre being such a mug OP.
His daughters know him better than you, and she cant have been that bad if he was with her for 25 years, but I know how comforting it can be to position yourself as a better woman than the ex, and your new boyfriend as being misunderstood.

An affair isnt a mistake. You dont accidently have affairs

I don't think the women here are jealous or bitter.

If you read the stories on these pages so many are/have been in terrible situations. So many of us have lived these terrible situations and for the most part women here are sincere in not wanting bad things to happen to others and their DC.

There are different levels of asshole. A grade 3 asshole may seem much better than a grade 9 asshole, but he's still as asshole.

I think the main point is that any woman coming out of a long marriage who has been abused, is vulnerable and there is no shortage of predatory men who easily present themselves as everything a women would want.

2 months in, yes, he really is still a stranger. It takes a long time to really get to know someone not only for your wellbeing but for the wellbeing and protection of your DC.

He may truly be what you see him as but it is still too soon to tell. He does have the 2 strikes against him with the affair and the drinking issue. It might be worth looking into more.

I guess what I'm saying, please be careful for yourself but especially for your DC.

You asked if the daughter has a point, and yes she does, a massive one. You and he are in the wrong!

@ChristmasFluff I've got one of those too! Charm personified!!!

@DoctorDread I really thought he was my soul mate. well, you'll know....

He completely wreaked havoc in my life, like I could never have imagined - but as I'm sure you can imagine.

As the old saying goes, no-one would stay with someone who punched them in the face on the first date. But after a year? When you believe you love him like you've never loved anyone else? Except it's a trauma bond, not love. Trauma bonds are so much more powerful than romantic love.

It was only the love I had for my son that saved me in the end - nothing is more powerful than that.

Oh Christmas fluff you’re good.
Op if you’re still reading just be careful I hope we’re all wrong and you’ll be very happy. Just breathe there’s no rush. Be careful.

He has got a fair amount of baggage from his previous relationships.You need to be supportive and hopefully things will resolve with time.You are not doing anything wrong.Let others wait for a PERFECT partner.It could be a long wait though.

Yep Christmas exactly the same here. Almost word for word. Except I stuck it for 6.5 years! Soul mates/he was 'my person'/us against the universe yada yada.

Sadly I think OP understandably wants to see only what she wants to see so I hope for her, and her children's sake, he's the prince she wants him to be.

Oh, and his ex used to scream abuse at us in the street, so his story seemed true.

I now understand it was reactive abuse - and it why the daughter's response in this situation is so worrying. Poor lassie.

Even if his ex was a complete bitch he didn't need to cheat. He could have waited until the situation with the kids was better and then left. So he chose to be a bastard.
And you don't have sex with your new gf in a house where your daughters could walk in on you. (Particularly when you've already cheated on their mother).
He doesn't sound wonderful to me and I'm normally the lone poster on here who's debunking the LTB comments. I'm with the daughters. And just because he doesn't directly say that his wife was a bitch doesn't mean that he's not indirectly saying it with all the other comments. Maybe she was. But equally maybe she wasn't. Bear that in mind.

@DoctorDread, wow - I was with him 6 years too - if you include the stalking/hoovering confusion. He still convenience stalks me when he's around. He moved to live two doors down from me in 2014 - dunno what he's up to now, but he occassionally leaves clues he's stalking on and off.

It began with a push, just a push, 3 months in. So by the time the abuse was horrendous, I was skilled in explaining it away and trying to fix it.

It makes me smile wryly when people say 'I wish he'd hit me so I'd have known it was abuse.' I didn't recognise even the physical violence as abuse. Like Leslie Morgan Steiner says, in my mind I was a strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man - and only my love could save him.

He sounds like a total prick. I highly doubt his wife is any of those things, if anything he’s the manipulative one. He cheated on her yet she’s the bad person? . Stop victim blaming.

His DD’s have been through a lot of change recently. Adult offspring generally struggle more with the divorce than younger children. I would give this guy a wide berth.

Christmas - it's insidious isn't it? When I finally went NC with mine he waged a smear campaign against me that landed him with a criminal conviction for stalking and harassment, Two restraining orders and a very large fine.

He still scopes me on social media and stays just shy of doing anything illegal.

I almost lost myself to him and spend my life regretting ever having met him.

OP you're a gullible fool, hopefully it won't come back to bite you on your arse. But I think it will

You sound quite naive. Why on earth were you in bed with him when his daughters had just met you? That's massively innapropriate.

I think that this is just a wind-up .... user name says it all. Enjoy your “sport”.