Wonderful new man met online but. . .

[Idontseeit]

We are both going through nasty divorces. ExH and I never got along after the birth of our second child 6 years ago. We are moving on. I joined 1 dating website 6 months ago and spoke to new guy. I then realised it was too soon so wrote to him telling him I wasn’t up for it.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, I wrote to him & we met, got along brilliantly, have had an amazing time together 😁. He was the only date I went on. I’m 45 with a 9 & 6 year old so was naturally apprehensive. But he is so attentive, kind & considerate I thought fuck it and enjoy. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and the sex is out of this world 😊

So he was in a relationship with his wife for 24 years, has 2 DDs age 18. Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. The exW got a boyfriend 2 weeks after they split up a year ago. They are accepting of this. Now dad has a relationship, they are not so cool about it. For example, they came back from university & knew we were in a relationship. We went out to his local pub and his DD rocked up and caused a scene accusing him of not answering his phone to her. Said things like ‘ I know what your priorities are’. Then later we were in bed and she stormed into his room screaming like a banshee saying ‘ you are having sex, how dare you, you don’t care about us, you are an alcoholic’. Blah blah.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point? I can truthfully say he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Trust me after the abuse I’ve put up with I’m after lovely now.

Where do I go from here?

But they saw you in bed together. How did that happen?

How can we know if it was over the top? Who knows what has gone on their family the past year.

What is his shitty behaviour exactly? Please explain because I really don’t understand. He made 1 mistake over 25 years?

An affair isn't a mistake is it? It's a set of choices.

You said the daughter said he was an alcoholic.

I would say take as you find but just keep your wits about you. My ex H I am sure from 30 years ago told everyone I am sure that I had an affair. I did, I'm not proud, my ex H and I married far too young and he wasn't that kind to me, treated me like a housekeeper with sex expected on tap. The older and wiser me would have just left, the younger and stupid me sought out affection to keep me sane. In the end I left anyway. Maybe his wife was a bitch, maybe she wasn't, time will tell, I would however pay attention to the daughter saying he's an alcoholic, that's a weird one to come out randomly with

So his daughters were staying in his house while you were there and burst into his room? That is horrible regardless of anything else.

Almost can"t believe this is a real post.

Surely anyone couldn't be that naive??
He is unlikely to have had 1 affair and what he says about his Ex maybe totally inaccurate or if he is clever snippets of truth.
Listen to his daughters, it's not likely to be jealousy but pure frustration at him for being a very bad Dad and husband. A good man does not upset his daughters, he puts his needs aside to help his daughters heal from his affair.

Op in the kindest possible way, because you like this man, you want everyone else to be wrong. His dd May be a brat. She may also have had years of shitty behaviour. It's too soon to say and you don't know him, or the situation well enough to form an opinion.

I was fed a lot of bullshit about how awful my ex's ex wife was and how she poisoned the kids against him and how she forced the kids to only see him in a contact centre.

I swallowed it all, hook line and sinker until he turned on me and then I found out all sorts of stuff that very much contradicted to saintly impression of himself he'd built up.

You may be right, you may not, but with this amount of drama, proceed with caution, and actually cut the girls some slack! He was their dad long before he was your boyfriend.

You are going to defend him, you're smitten, I get it. But he cheated and you will only ever hear his side of the story. No one ever wants to believe they are the bad one in a marriage. His daughter is possibly reliving the whole affair episode emotionally with you being in the picture now. If you are having doubts, that's ok. It is nice you want to stick up for him but you know there are red flags and it's your life. Either walk away or stick with it. But it sounds like it's going to be a tough ride. You just have to make sure he is worth it.

How is it so? I’ve never had an affair and see it as a momentary mistake usually as a result of years of unhappiness. That’s just me trying to be open minded. And yes, he could have left her but the DDs were going through exams for university - the most pivotal time of their lives.

You barely know this man.

You've got the fanny-gallops.

If I was a 18yr old just home from college, I'd be pissed off that dad was off with his new shag down the pub not answering his phone, and what, having sex loudly in the next room? After cheating on their mother.

An affair isn't a mistake, it's a decision.
Apart from him, who else endorses that otherwise he was marvellous and not a total shit for 25 years?
If his wife was a high-maintenance, manipulative and materialistic person why did he stick with her for 25 years? Poor judgement at least...
And how come the DD was around when you were having sex?

This is outrageous behaviour from his daughter, where are the boundaries?! What if he WAS having sex in his room. She's not a child so she should know that it was a possibility. How did he react? How did it come about - was she spending the night at his and was she drunk?

he had an affair while he was married OP, how can he be a saint?!

How can you deduce the wife is all those things? You've been seeing him for 2 months. you don't know him. You know nothing about him. Or his family.

Is he an alcoholic? I didn't see you answer that.

What is his drinking like?

They are only 18. They aren't brats. Sounds like they've been put through shit. But hey as long as you are happy that's fine. Good luck.

Raffles 1981

Thanks for the only non judgmental kind response. That is the kind of advice mumsnet was invented for. I’ll keep that in mind. It will be a tough ride for us both but I cannot get my head around how his DDs can write off 18 years of his devotion to them over a meaningless affair.

You're out of your mind.

Piggie23 - you’re nasty. The whole point of my thread is because I’m concerned. Keep up being horrid in life wont you.

Would you see it as a two off and a little blip if it happened to you?

You can’t possibly know it was 18 years of devotion to his daughters when you have just met him online!

Yes I would because I look at the whole picture and not just 1 mistake??

OP "What is his shitty behaviour exactly?"

well you've only known him for 2 months.They have known him for years. they aren't going to give you an explanation on tap.

but why are you so keen to believe this man is wonderful? He might have been a shit to his daughters. How could you possibly know?

why not calm down a bit and get to know him. Also keep an eye out for any more red flags.