Wonderful new man met online but. . .

[Idontseeit]

We are both going through nasty divorces. ExH and I never got along after the birth of our second child 6 years ago. We are moving on. I joined 1 dating website 6 months ago and spoke to new guy. I then realised it was too soon so wrote to him telling him I wasn’t up for it.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, I wrote to him & we met, got along brilliantly, have had an amazing time together 😁. He was the only date I went on. I’m 45 with a 9 & 6 year old so was naturally apprehensive. But he is so attentive, kind & considerate I thought fuck it and enjoy. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and the sex is out of this world 😊

So he was in a relationship with his wife for 24 years, has 2 DDs age 18. Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. The exW got a boyfriend 2 weeks after they split up a year ago. They are accepting of this. Now dad has a relationship, they are not so cool about it. For example, they came back from university & knew we were in a relationship. We went out to his local pub and his DD rocked up and caused a scene accusing him of not answering his phone to her. Said things like ‘ I know what your priorities are’. Then later we were in bed and she stormed into his room screaming like a banshee saying ‘ you are having sex, how dare you, you don’t care about us, you are an alcoholic’. Blah blah.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point? I can truthfully say he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Trust me after the abuse I’ve put up with I’m after lovely now.

Where do I go from here?

Enjoy this while it lasts cos it won't be for long.

A lot of red flags here. You say you have been abused before, well so have I and to me this sounds suspiciously like the love bombing stage that precedes abuse. Does he know you have been abused before? Abusive men seek out women who have been abused before.

Even if he isn't abusive, I think you have to acknowledge you don't know him well, a lot of negative things have been alleged and for the sake of your own children, slow down. He's trotting out an awful lot of the textbook lines divorced men use to get sex. If it's meant to be, slowing down won't hurt anything but if it does turn into a car crash, slowing it down will minimise the hurt.

@category12: You've got the fanny-gallops.

Brilliant!

OP you're in the honeymoon period, you're only seeing his best side.
I think it was very insensitive of you both for you to be staying over the very first time you met her (plus at only 2mths in).

As someone who was around 18 when her own parents split through similar circs, there are always two sides to every story.

Tread carefully and for God's sake cut the daughters some slack. That's not excusing the behaviour but you are minimising what he did and quite possibly demonsing the EXW because you really like him and it suits you to believe it.

So is he an alcoholic? Not sure why you won't answer the question.
Do you have your own doubts about this?

Oh Jeeze Idontseeit. I’ve been in this sort of place myself, and I’m telling you to get out NOW.

That fact that you haven’t been listening to all these comments rings alarm bells to me. You will regret staying with this man !

Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

Sadly he had an affair. Sadly?

He chose to stick his dick somewhere he shouldn't.

Sadly?

Nah. He did so quite happily I imagine.

Yes she was always manipulative with his money, got them in huge debt. She didn’t even food shop or clean the house. Never contributed the house renovations, he spent 6 years doing it all himself after his long work day!

Oh of course he did. What a man. She probably drove him to an affair. Quite the catch you have there.

If You think he is wonderful..then that's all ok then, best not to ask others opinions. But you never can tell,what kind of reactions you are going to have to confront.from offspring,whatever their ages. Best to be careful.and take this relationship slowly.

Oh my gosh! Such harsh comments!
So if a man were in an unhappy marriage, made a mistake, he is to forever be shunned by every woman on earth? And forever to be regarded as scum? I think not. Like all of you have never made mistakes in your life.

OP I’d say she’s struggling to deal with the idea of her dad being with someone other than the mother. The affair probably means she had sympathy for her mother and blames her father for her family splitting. So she would then be ok and supportive of her mother finding someone else but bitter about her father because she still blames him. They need to work on their relationship (perhaps you take a step back in that space and allow them to spend some time bonding just the two of them?) and you slowly integrate and show them you’re not a monster and he isn’t a monster for wanting a life after his marriage

Devil - thanks.

Most of these women sound harsh, bitter, negative and just generally horrid. So happy I am not any of them.

We happened to go back quietly to his room. No intention of meeting his DD. She burst in the room so that was that.

He likes a drink as do I, big deal.

He is also a nice person, unlike most of the posters on this thread.

Never get with a bloke who’s marriage ended because he had an affair. What makes you think that you’re so special that he won’t do it again? Also, that was the affair that ended the marriage. That doesn’t mean it was the only one.

Ok, how would you feel if he turned around today and told you
'i think you should know that I've met someone else and we've slept together. Our relationship is over'.
How would you feel?

Now, imagine you were married to him for 25 years!

Nice men don't have affairs.
Nice men put their children first.

Look at it from his DD POV. They return from home and it's their first year at university. I imagine that they either stay with one or the other parent or split their time while they're home. When they phone dad he doesn't answer but they know where he'll be - the pub. When they get there, they're right, he's in the pub with a woman he's just met (8 weeks isn't long, last holiday he wasn't with you or he was with someone else). They want to see him and he should without you but instead he brings this woman back to their home and he's more interested in getting her into bed.

If he's a good dad, why isn't he making time for his DD when she returns from uni?

Red flags - he's not a good dad, he's prioritised a woman he met 8 weeks over his DD.

OP is clearly watching this thread very closely because every time someone says anything positive about her chap, she pops up in the very next post to say thank you and how that poster actually understands what's going on, unlike the rest (probably over 95%) of the witches and harridans on the thread.

Dunno about everyone else, but it makes me a tad suspicious of OP's motives. Surely no-one could be this gullible.

I agree with the jist of the thread so far - red flags fluttering everywhere, and raging fanny gallops are clouding your judgement.

Abusive men target women who are vulnerable due to long term relationships having ended.
Abusive men target women who are vulnerable because of prior abuse.
Abusive men target women who are vulnerable because they have young children.
Abusive men have affairs.
Abusive men slander their "crazy" and "lazy" ex partners.
Abusive men have difficult relationships with ex partners and their children.
Abusive men can be charming, attentive, thoughtful, generous, gentle and tender when it suits them.
Love bombing is a real and seductive and very dangerous thing.
Posting on Mumsnet for an anonymous reality check is a sensible and natural response to being gaslighted.
Reacting to Mumsnet feedback angrily and defensively instead of calmly, reflectively and thoughtfully is usually a sign that a nerve has been touched.
Apart from the occasional troll, no one on this thread just wants to give you a good lucking because they're bitter, most of us are wiser from bitter experience and wish we'd listened ourselves when our spidey sense was telling us to run.

Oh dear OP.

You're really not covering yourself in glory here are you?

So he was quite happy to stay in this awful marriage? If it was that bad then why didn’t he leave?

Yes people make mistakes. Sometimes good people do bad things.

The point most posters are trying to make is that you have known this man two months. The story about his ex wife has come from him, a man who has a vested interest in making you think he’s a decent bloke. He’s painting himself as a victim of a horrible wife, which may be true but reality says it’s unlikely to be the whole picture.

His daughters have known him a lot longer than you. They may be upset at the breakdown of their parents marriage, but that level of anger would suggest that maybe they know a tad more about what went on in the marriage and their relationship.

If you want to carry on seeing him and decide for yourself then that’s obviously up to you, but you really need to take the blinkers off.

OP, before you read my post and think I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm walking the walk. My BF of two years is the sole resident parent to DDs a similar age.

I’m confused as to why you’re posting. You seem to think he’s wonderful and that his ex and kids are being unreasonable.

Tbh, we're probably wasting our time. If all the OP wanted was woolly hugs and agreement that his daughter was a big old poopyhead meanie, she should have said. I suspect that the OP thinks we are all jealous because we aren't having the AMAZING SEX that she is having, because she is the only woman in the world to have got a new BF after a crappy marriage, and be doing lots of AMAZING SEX.

Have fun, OP. Please do think about the answers to those questions i asked earlier. And FFS keep your kids away from him until you know him better.

OP. What exactly was the point of you asking whether his dd had a point if you're not going to listen to what 90% of the posters are saying? Yes his dd probably has a point, it stands to reason....shes known him her entire life, she knows more from both angles than you possibly could. Believe me when I say....people you meet OLD will initially only give you the best version. Its human nature. 2 months in everyone is giving a front of some sort. You've gone into the sex and honeymoon phase and you're asking on a forum if theres an issue.....generally speaking if you have to ask that, there probably is. You wont listen, I know that, and i get it. But I'm sorry to say you're probably going to get your fingers burned eventually

It sounds like you’re well suited.