Wonderful new man met online but. . .

[Idontseeit]

We are both going through nasty divorces. ExH and I never got along after the birth of our second child 6 years ago. We are moving on. I joined 1 dating website 6 months ago and spoke to new guy. I then realised it was too soon so wrote to him telling him I wasn’t up for it.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, I wrote to him & we met, got along brilliantly, have had an amazing time together 😁. He was the only date I went on. I’m 45 with a 9 & 6 year old so was naturally apprehensive. But he is so attentive, kind & considerate I thought fuck it and enjoy. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and the sex is out of this world 😊

So he was in a relationship with his wife for 24 years, has 2 DDs age 18. Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. The exW got a boyfriend 2 weeks after they split up a year ago. They are accepting of this. Now dad has a relationship, they are not so cool about it. For example, they came back from university & knew we were in a relationship. We went out to his local pub and his DD rocked up and caused a scene accusing him of not answering his phone to her. Said things like ‘ I know what your priorities are’. Then later we were in bed and she stormed into his room screaming like a banshee saying ‘ you are having sex, how dare you, you don’t care about us, you are an alcoholic’. Blah blah.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point? I can truthfully say he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Trust me after the abuse I’ve put up with I’m after lovely now.

Where do I go from here?

I posted because I’ve met his mother, father, sister, brother and his family. Yes his side of the family but they knew his ex for 24 years and spent time with her. They were all just as lovely as him.

Like I said, I have no family and was severely abused growing up. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years. My ex of a so called husband treated me like shit too.

No, hasn’t met my children and won’t for years thank you all!!

doctor dread and Christmas fluff and annanimmity - thanks for being kind & explaining what you think in an intelligent way that keeps my dignity intact. Not in a way that makes me feel small, humiliates me and is downright nasty.

Oh and his children always come before me, to the point where they shout that they want his help whilst I’m on the phone to him and he goes running. Nice girls? I would hope for better manners from my children when they’re grown up, I really do. Is that so bad?

That curly girl - your dad and the ‘OW’ have been together for 15 years - a very long time. Surely there must be some love there? Or is that not good enough? I fail to see how people just can’t be happy for others, it’s so negative. I’m a generally happy person and want others to be happy too.

Lllot5

Thanks for your lovely post too. My eyes are wide open. I would never ever introduce him to my children until I’m 100% sure. I feel adored and loved for the first time in more than 14 years. But my children are overprotected by me. That’s not going to change because I’ve met a man who I want to believe is the love of my life!! I need to know he is the love of my love and if that takes 5 years then do be it.

You asked in your OP about his daughter’s behaviour and where do you go from here.

His daughter is behaving like a confused 18 year old. Whether that is justified or not, we don’t know, but I wouldn’t be assuming she is just a brat.

If I were you I’d be winding it back and treading very carefully (particularly given the affair and alcoholic claim) and definitely not introduce him to my children. Be very cautious.

Take it slowly as you have said and don't move in with him, you are right to not introduce him to your children for at least 5 years.

OP I hope you will be safe and you are right that the guy is just someone who has made some mistakes in life but is good overall. I truly mean that.

I am very upset by the way in which you talk about his daughters in several of your posts. You sound very dismissive of them and as if you feel no empathy for them--no sense of how hurtful the current situation might be to them. That doesn't mean that they're acting perfectly all the time, but they are still young and have presumably had their world turned upside down by their parents' breakup. YOU are an adult and a parent yourself. You should be able to understand how they may be hurting and that it's not just your kids that need protecting by a slow pace with the relationship, but his too.

And you are possibly hoping to have a long-term relationship with this man, which could mean you are someday the stepmother of these girls. You will have a really rocky time in that relationship if you don't learn to have more empathy and respect for them.

Good luck.

Sounds a bit intense all this. I can see why after years of a miserable Marriage but you need to tread carefully and slowly