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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wonderful new man met online but. . .

233 replies

Idontseeit · 13/06/2019 20:52

We are both going through nasty divorces. ExH and I never got along after the birth of our second child 6 years ago. We are moving on. I joined 1 dating website 6 months ago and spoke to new guy. I then realised it was too soon so wrote to him telling him I wasn’t up for it.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, I wrote to him & we met, got along brilliantly, have had an amazing time together 😁. He was the only date I went on. I’m 45 with a 9 & 6 year old so was naturally apprehensive. But he is so attentive, kind & considerate I thought fuck it and enjoy. I hadn’t had sex for 5 years and the sex is out of this world 😊

So he was in a relationship with his wife for 24 years, has 2 DDs age 18. Sadly he had an affair that ended the marriage. I’ve since found out about his high maintenance, materialistic, manipulative ex Wife but let’s not go there...

My problem is that this is the first time his daughters have had a blip in their lives. The exW got a boyfriend 2 weeks after they split up a year ago. They are accepting of this. Now dad has a relationship, they are not so cool about it. For example, they came back from university & knew we were in a relationship. We went out to his local pub and his DD rocked up and caused a scene accusing him of not answering his phone to her. Said things like ‘ I know what your priorities are’. Then later we were in bed and she stormed into his room screaming like a banshee saying ‘ you are having sex, how dare you, you don’t care about us, you are an alcoholic’. Blah blah.

Is she being a brat? Or does she have a point? I can truthfully say he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Trust me after the abuse I’ve put up with I’m after lovely now.

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontseeit · 13/06/2019 21:27

Happiness - because I trust him and he told me he made a mistake. Why would I not believe him? He told me about the affair.

OP posts:
creamofcarnation · 13/06/2019 21:27

You only know what he's told you, don't be naive. His daughter's anger has not just come from a minor blip, something else has happened here.

Original poster
Idontseeit · 13/06/2019 21:28

Rosa - what sort of red flags are you hoping for?

OP posts:
LonelyGir1 · 13/06/2019 21:28

It doesn't sound like you're ready for a new relationship. It sounds like there are some red flags.

I hope that everything turns out okay, and he treats you well as you sound very trusting and caring.

AuntieStella · 13/06/2019 21:28

It's not just red flag, it's red bunting.

I get that you've had your head turned by having sex again.

But thus man sounds awful - and that's your descriptions of him, which was presumably meant to be pretty positive.

You've known him for a few weeks. You cannot really have had time tomassess what his XW's character is. If are deluding yourself if you think that your presence is a first 'blip' when his DD's have been through a parental separation.

He's admitted an affair, he's badmouthing his EW and his DC are angry and hurt.

Can you really not do any better than this?

youkiddingme · 13/06/2019 21:29

But you don't have the whole picture. You only have what he has chosen to tell you.

You do know, 'but my wife didn't understand me' is the oldest line in the book right? And that variations of that theme are meant to make you feel like a) he's a saint, and b) he's implying therefore you are much better for him which will stoke your ego

Now maybe he is a nice guy, but maybe he isn't...

DoctorDread · 13/06/2019 21:29

Op. An affair is devastating. You are minimising it to suit the narrative. It may well have been nothing but you weren't on the receiving end of it so you don't really get to tell someone else how they should feel about it. Granted her bursting wasn't great but 18 is still young and tempers were clearly frayed. Just be careful.

Original poster
Idontseeit · 13/06/2019 21:31

Lonely - I hope you’re not?
Perhaps I’m not ready for s new relationship. Perhaps I’m on a rebound type thing? I like to see the best in people hence me asking about his DDs behaviour. It was astonishing and I’ve never seen anything like it.

I hope it works out because I really like him.

OP posts:
Mythreefavouritethings · 13/06/2019 21:31

Let’s go back to the start. What was your reason for posting, OP? What are you questioning as in your responses you sound pretty happy and confident in your choice? Not being critical, just wanted to ask what your motivation was for posting?

DoctorDread · 13/06/2019 21:31

Also, you're being quite combative. Many women on here have been on the shitty end of an affair and your attitude comes across a bit flippant? I'm sure you don't mean to but perhaps that's why pp are being quite blunt with you?

Happinessbegins · 13/06/2019 21:32

Are they no alarm bells going off eg when she said he was an alcoholic? What do you think of that?

ExhaustedGrinch · 13/06/2019 21:32

She didn’t even food shop or clean the house. Never contributed the house renovations, he spent 6 years doing it all himself after his long work day! - Bless him. He sounds quite the victim! I've met many of those in my life ... ! Hmm

OldAndWornOut · 13/06/2019 21:33

Everyone who ever meets anyone, ever, only knows what they've been told.
Hopefully he isn't an alcoholic, hopefully his daughters will come to accept him having a relationship (They certainly shouldn't be bursting in to the room! Ridiculous, rude behaviour) and there is no reason why he shouldn't be given the benefit of the doubt.
If having a relationship depended on saintly behaviour for the whole of our lives then none of us would ever be in one.

creamofcarnation · 13/06/2019 21:33

You've not answered the Q about alcoholism, does he drink a lot ?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/06/2019 21:33

I have to be honest the daughters behaviour would have me seriously rethinking the relationship... if these are the histrionics now imagine the scenes at Christmas in front of your small children...

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 13/06/2019 21:33

You're what my mother would have called 'cock happy' not surprising after years of celibacy, but you need to start thinking with your head, not your private parts. You don't know this man at all, and are far too keen to take his word on everything.

ClarkeMurphy · 13/06/2019 21:33

I cannot get my head around how his DDs can write off 18 years of his devotion to them over a meaningless affair.

He damaged his relationship with his daughters when he risked their security over a quick shag. Marriages do break up and most teenagers can learn to adapt. But when you're facing massive upheaval in your home, being told it was thrown away over something "meaningless" actually makes it worse.

Original poster
Idontseeit · 13/06/2019 21:34

Exhausted- I’m onto equal rights and his ExW wasn’t working. So yes that sounds horrid to me, really horrid.

OP posts:
rvby · 13/06/2019 21:37

He's a stranger to you. You don't know the first thing about him. Of course he's "lovely", you've only just met him! It's easy to be charming to those who don't know you and haven't yet had a chance to observe any real-world behaviour.

Even if you think his DDs are simply dramatic - if their opinions count for nothing -

Do you want to be with someone whose children are extremely unhappy you are in the picture?

If you are an unselfish and wise woman, you'd listen to his DDs and see the pain he seems to be causing them, and realize you are missing the truth of the situation.

If you are a selfish and wise woman, you'd not get involved with someone who will introduce drama to your life via a volatile relationship with their children.

If you are a selfish and foolish woman, you'll go ahead, bleat about how "lovely" he is and how he can't possibly be the common denominator in all his own drama, keep your blinkers on and trot merrily down the path to a shit storm.

DoctorDread · 13/06/2019 21:37

@ExhaustedGrinch yes. My ExH would tell the same story. What he wouldn't mention is that I would do it all and he'd sigh and tut and tell me I hadn't done it properly and he'd have to re do it. He'd send his shirts back to be re-ironed, complain if an otherwise spotless spotless kitchen had a dish rag in the sink rather than hung up, and butch about me with his mother about how messy I was.

But to the outside world, he was a wife's dream!

Justmuddlingalong · 13/06/2019 21:38

IS HE AN ALCOHOLIC? Yes. I know, I'm shouting.

EileenAlanna · 13/06/2019 21:38

Is he love bombing you? Is he holding his hands up to 1 affair but maybe just not mentioning x number of others he may have had? He's someone you've known for 2 months. Have you met any of his friends/wider family? Relying on a new man's description of himself isn't the best idea. Take it more slowly, keep your eyes & ears open for real indications of what he's like. You have 2 very young children of your own who you need to think about, so don't rush into anything no matter how good it might feel atm.

DoctorDread · 13/06/2019 21:39

Op. All we're saying is don't rely on the rose tinted specs too much. There's always more to someone than meets the eye and you only have one side of a story right now.

Kab30 · 13/06/2019 21:39

You go girl....life is too short ...dds are just jealous..trust your instincts and go with it to wherever it takes you x good luck xx

ConfCall · 13/06/2019 21:40

Take it slowly and sensibly OP. Be a bit wary. I hope it works out because it sounds like you’re ready for someone great in your life but there are definitely potential concerns here.