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Original poster

still shaking - hve discoverd my instinct about the other woman was right

255 replies

hatingtoberight · 24/07/2007 07:12

Dh work colleague - I've had bad vibes abouther since day one. Iknew somethign ws brewing. I have just seen an email exhcnage between them from last night - she has obvioulsy had anr 'emotional outburst' with him yesterday and now he knows how she feels abouthim. Oh God - I so didn't want this to be right. They have to work together - how are they goign to do this? What on earth doI do next? sit by and watch it develop and hop e he sees sense? declare my hand and that I ws looking at his email? If i tell him I'm onto them - it won't necesarily stop it - it wil just be better covered up. He's been so nice recently - of COURSe he bloody has!

OP posts:
Original poster
hatingtoberight · 26/07/2007 09:04

am slightly freaked again now. oh hell

OP posts:
Freckle · 26/07/2007 09:12

I think you need to ask specific questions.

Such as "If you were telling her you were not interested, why did you respond to her emails in a chatty way? Why sign off with kisses (when you don't do that to me - your wife)?"

"What other signals were you giving her that you were in fact interested?"

Tell him that his explanation does not match his actions and demand that he be more truthful.

skidoodle · 26/07/2007 09:55

Hmmm, I'm not sure any extra suspicion/demands for clarity are warranted. If hatingtoberight's account of events is accurate his only transgression is not telling her himself about what happened and I can certainly see why someone might choose to do that. It's forgiveable.

Rather than going over and over what happened as though he cheated (which it looks as though he didn't, even emotionally) I think you need to have the conversation morningpaper suggested:

now that her feelings are out in the open, and given that she is still pursuing him, clearly it is not appropriate for them to continue working so closely together. These are the moments when you need to put the health of your marriage first. It is not fair to you, things being what they now are, for you to have to kiss your husband goodbye every morning knowing he is going off to spend the day with a woman who is openly trying to have a sexual and romantic relationship with him.

Where can he move within the company that would limit his contact with her? What job opportunities are there in other companies locally in his field?

He also needs to break off all non-essential and non-business intercourse with her immediately. No CDs, no friendly e-mails, nothing.

Dior - I don't like being told that someone is attracted to me if it's not reciprocated. I find it embarrassing and awkward and where it's obvious that I don't or can't return their feelings I resent them for telling me and making things weird. but that's just me.

Beetroot · 26/07/2007 09:58

he will also stop using the emial account you know about and start a new one if he needs to.

Specific questions.
But don't turn into a naggging wife - that will drive him sawy

still like the idea of leaving as per someone down below.

Turquoise · 26/07/2007 10:04

I don't agree with the people who say he will have to move jobs. There will always be other women, and maybe some who try it on with him, wherever he goes. The thing is to work things out between them and get the trust rock solid, or else it won't matter where he works - there'll always be suspicion.

I would confront again re the kisses etc, and if he didin't agree to cut off all personal contact with her, phone her in front of you if necessary to tell her she's completely out of order, I'd do the bag packed for the night, this is far too much contact speech that someone else's dh did further down the thread.

morningpaper · 26/07/2007 10:18

Yes there will other women but - without wanting to freak you out further - it sounds to me a little bit like they might actually be slightly in love with each other. It's all very well demonising this "other woman" but it sounds to me as though they are really fond of each other and have strong romantic feelings for each other. And yes you will fall in love with other people over a lifetime, but - just IMO - you can't sit next to and spend 12 hours a day with someone that you are in love with without things becoming Too Intense.

I think you should approach him (others will disagree) with some sympathy about that idea if possible - in a kind of supportive way.

ladylush · 26/07/2007 10:34

Sounds more like infatuation than love. It also sounds as if the thought of losing his wife scared him a lot - which is a good sign. For now, I would advise hyper vigilance but in a low-key manner as I agree that overtly watching his every move will piss him off no end. htbr - glad you confronted him as it would've driven you mad carrying all that around with you 24/7

Freckle · 26/07/2007 11:07

I too don't think he should have to move job. He should prove that there was nothing it in by staying there and conducting a professional relationship with her. He has to show that he is capable to rebuffing her advances rather than running away, which will merely confirm to the ow that she has some power.

If she persists in inappropriate behaviour, then he will have to address this with his company - or even her husband.

I do think specific questions need to be asked. His explanation does not match up to the way he was behaving. If you are rebuffing someone's unwanted advances, you don't do chatty emails and you certainly don't end them with kisses.

Nagging housewife is obviously not attractive, but he has betrayed his family and htbr is entitled to a full explanation.

FluffyMummy123 · 26/07/2007 11:09

Message withdrawn

Beetroot · 26/07/2007 11:25

agree cod - if it has not gone any further than he says. He should be able to kick her into touch and get on with working perfectly well. It is her (OW) problem really not his.

Spidermama · 26/07/2007 11:28

Well done for confronting the issue hatingtoberight. I know that I wouldn't be able to move on until I had spoken to this woman. I would call or email her and ask her out for coffee.

I agree that men tell you what you want to hear. (I'm currently working through revelations that my dh had an affair, again) In a way it's good because it means he wants to be with you and doesn't want to threaten your future together BUT for me I need the truth. I also wouldfn't put up with them woring together.

Original poster
hatingtoberight · 26/07/2007 11:32

I WILL be onmy guard in a subtle way -he'd be stupid to think that I wouldn't. I am tempted to ring her to get her side of it - but frankly I just can't cope with any more stress; I want to ahve a nice tiem on holiday with my childrenba nd husband and the only way I can do taht is to go with th e flow at the moment.
I am so very appreciative of all your wise words, thank you.

OP posts:
overdraft · 26/07/2007 11:45

Spidermama O.M.G are you o.k
I remember you were so positive about it all when I was going through it. When did this happen?

overdraft · 26/07/2007 11:46

Sorry don't want to hyjack, have you got your own thread?

FluffyMummy123 · 26/07/2007 11:58

Message withdrawn

startouchedtrinity · 26/07/2007 12:00

I just think he's been enjoying the attention but now realises he could lose everything and he's been a bit of a berk. Have a good holiday xxx

Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 12:01

I think Cod's right. Men don't always perceive things the same way women do. But I suppose my natural instinct would still be to be suspicious for some time to come regardless of whatever he has said. Especially if the other woman has such a different take on what was happening.

FluffyMummy123 · 26/07/2007 12:01

Message withdrawn

Spidermama · 26/07/2007 12:43

(Overdraft I have sneaked it into several unrelated threads I've started. I feel if I dedicate an entire thread to it I'll never be off MN. We're working through it. We want to stay together so we're working out how to get through it. )

Have a good holiday hatingtoberight. We're also off on holiday in a couple of days. It should be good for the whole family. < Gulp! >

Spidermama · 26/07/2007 12:44

Diesn't 'berk' mean fanny?

bootsmonkey · 26/07/2007 12:48

Rhyming slang - berkshire hunt = c*

bootsmonkey · 26/07/2007 12:48

vastly underated expression IMO

bootsmonkey · 26/07/2007 12:50

Can't stand the c* word but quite happy to use berk.

HTBR hope all pans out for the best. I know how hard it is to sit back and watch this happen. Use the holiday to re-connect with each other. He married you, make him remember why..

Good luck.

ladylush · 26/07/2007 14:00

I think the c word is the only applicable word as far as some people are concerned (not referring to anyone here of course). Berk just doesn't quite cut it in all cases.

CountessDracula · 26/07/2007 14:04

re cod's no one is dead last day of blubbing comment

In a way when something like this happens you do grieve, for the relationship and the person you thought you knew and loved. In a way it is worse (temporarily) because you have lost ita ll but they are still there and it can be unbearable.

It will get better but not overnight, don't push yourself!