still shaking - hve discoverd my instinct about the other woman was right

[hatingtoberight]

Dh work colleague - I've had bad vibes abouther since day one. Iknew somethign ws brewing. I have just seen an email exhcnage between them from last night - she has obvioulsy had anr 'emotional outburst' with him yesterday and now he knows how she feels abouthim. Oh God - I so didn't want this to be right. They have to work together - how are they goign to do this? What on earth doI do next? sit by and watch it develop and hop e he sees sense? declare my hand and that I ws looking at his email? If i tell him I'm onto them - it won't necesarily stop it - it wil just be better covered up. He's been so nice recently - of COURSe he bloody has!

Have you decided what you're going to do?

what will he say if you tell him you have looked through his emails?

someone come up with some reasonable retorts please for HTBR when/if he bleats invasion of privacy

The kisses at the end of the email and the "looking forward to seeing you" comments do seem a bit strange (in light of her "outburst") - I would have thought that if he were surprised / horrified he'd be trying to back off (I've had a few experiences over the years where colleagues with whom I've worked closely have unexpectedly declared their undying love for me - much to my horror - and have always gone into back off mode. I put the experiences down to the fact that, as Dumbledior says, you spend a lot of time together and do a lot of listening, uncritically and sympathetically, to the other person's problems or perceived problems). But it may be, as others have suggested, that he's enjoying the attention.

Is there a "soft" way that you could give him a chance to "confess" e.g. ask her for dinner, or attend drinks, and then casually say afterward "I think X has a thing for you...." or something along those lines (in a teasing way)- and then see what reaction you get?

I think involving her would be a bad move. Until you know exactly what the relationship is between them (if there is one) then what would you gain from contacting her? Regardless of what she said I wouldn't believe it.

This is something you need to sort with your DH.

just one more thing. i'd be cautious about e-mailing her rather than talking to your husband one on one. firstly it could piss him off beyond all belief if he found out that you are e-mailing his work colleagues and making him look weak (not saying its reasonable etc, just that it could) and also it could create a kind of you against them vibe.

I agree involving her would not be a good move

oliveoil, someone had a great response at the beginning of this thread. something about feeling odd about her from the start and knowing she shouldn't be looking at the emails but did as she was feeling a bit weird recently. that is honest, vulnerable. don't see how he can divert from that with 'you shouldn't have been looking' as she has laready admitted that. makes the problem the fact he is writing and allowing himself to receive inappropriate emails.

i do too

sorry that came out all garbled: sauerkraut Tue 24-Jul-07 07:25:55

as much as I'd love to - I am not goign to involve her in this - gives her far ttoo mcuh credance froa start. The nearst I will get is to threaten to tell her hsubband if my Dh doens't come home to discussit when I need to.

But I don't know how I will cope in future knowing tha tey are still working together - esconced in confernce rooms together o n projects.

you never knwo if he is oging ot come home tonight and say" whooa somehting has gone utterly freaky at work today"
lets hope he deos
then you cna look all smug and right.

agree, don't involve her. i had an affair with someone at work, and the one thing that stood in the way was that i actually liked his wife. didn't make a difference in the long run, but did delay things. don't become the 'baddy'.

however, i don't think in this case, 'knowledge is power'. how much knowledge are you waiting to get? really feel you must tell him what you know and stop things early on. he is probably just mucking about at the moment, but it can get out of control (in short space of time). if he knows you know, he is much less likely to let it get out of control - he'd have to really want it to happen already, and i doubt that is the case.

get him home
print off the e-mail, hand it to him and ask him to explain.

you know your dh. you'll know by his reaction whether something is going on.

i have worked and travelled extensively with married men, usually just the two of us. their wives always made an effort to get to know me. i know it was to "check me out". one even admitted it "i was worried about you until i met you" .

can you cancel your BIL coming round? if not, then try to (pretend you are ill or something)

then say to dh that you have something to discuss, tell him what you have found and your suspicions

calm, don't accuse (initially anyway)

you MUST discuss this before your holiday otherwise it will eat you up

do not contact this other woman, she may just be a loon with delusions

xx

a loon yes.
grr#
a harlotty loon

my theory is when we look up on our partners, we have to be prepared to find something.

you need to talk to him about this. calmly. somehow. i know you know this... and i hope you two can manage a talk somehow.

in the meantime, try to treat yourself good. anyway you can, however small.

The other woman has a husband?
Do you have his email addresse?

nonononononon

we are being reasonable first, no contacting anybody at all

talk to dh, then regroup in the morning with our advice/pitchforks at the ready

agreed OO - innocent until proven guilty, yes?

Might be his way of letting her down gently or something....?

lol at pithcorks
adn lighted torches

MN posse

love the posse - only laugh I've had today.

I'm the one at the back - like to stand back and watch rather than wade in immediately

well done for getting a laugh oliveoil

I was uming and ahing about posting it tbh, glad it was ok

shall we leave you alone until you have had chance to speak to dh or do you want to analyse?