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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

still shaking - hve discoverd my instinct about the other woman was right

255 replies

hatingtoberight · 24/07/2007 07:12

Dh work colleague - I've had bad vibes abouther since day one. Iknew somethign ws brewing. I have just seen an email exhcnage between them from last night - she has obvioulsy had anr 'emotional outburst' with him yesterday and now he knows how she feels abouthim. Oh God - I so didn't want this to be right. They have to work together - how are they goign to do this? What on earth doI do next? sit by and watch it develop and hop e he sees sense? declare my hand and that I ws looking at his email? If i tell him I'm onto them - it won't necesarily stop it - it wil just be better covered up. He's been so nice recently - of COURSe he bloody has!

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 24/07/2007 10:42

If you tell him you have her dh's phone no and you will ring if it he isn't home in an hour I think you may find that he will be there

Original poster
hatingtoberight · 24/07/2007 10:53

he will just say he has doen nothing and techniccally I suppose he hasn't.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 24/07/2007 10:57

I just wanted to say - dont feel at all bad about looking at his emails, you have done nothing wrong and if you choose to confront him, being a man he will no doubt try to deflect it onto you snooping. Dont let him, in the grand scheme of things, you reading his emails is not even on the radar of things that you need to deal with.

Good luck.

CountessDracula · 24/07/2007 11:00

htbr
email me
countessdrac at gmail dot com

JeremyVile · 24/07/2007 11:00

If he has really done nothing wrong then he wouldn't mind you seeing the emails would he?
Ask him if you can send an email from his account (make something up) and see his reaction.

And if he is defensive about the emails, that still doesn't necessarily mean anything is going on or that he intends it to, but if he is encouraging her out of vanity then that needs to end too.

obimomkanobi · 24/07/2007 11:05

It really does sound to me that it's a 'something' that's in it's early stages, and he is loving the attention.

I really, really hope that you get it sorted, a few of us have been in the same boat at one time or another, and I can well remember the sick shaky feeling.

Just tell yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

oliveoil · 24/07/2007 11:09

See, if I felt the need to look at dh's emails, it would send out a warning bell, I am big on gut instincts tbh

I do not feel the need atm

IF I DID and I found what you did, I would be on him like a ton of bricks

phone him, summon him home and clear the air, it may be something innocent, it may not

theman · 24/07/2007 11:52

firstly the fact that she's apologising makes it sound as though she's embarrassed about telling him and would indicate to me he didn't respond in kind.
you still need to sort it out though.i have no real advice beyond what others have suggested but just wanted to wish u well.

NotQuiteCockney · 24/07/2007 11:53

He hasn't done anything wrong, in that he hasn't slept with anyone else. But he should be talking to you about this. If he had come to you and said 'oh god, you'll never imagine what X said today' and told you the whole story (cue lots of eye rolling and so on between you about mad X), then it would be fine, right? Only he didn't.

HarryShagsAFish · 24/07/2007 11:53

hmm am not sure baout getting involved wiht he work side
ithink itll jsut end up as office gossipa dn set his career abck ( and your shared pension) unescessarily)
dont air dirty luandry etc

HarryShagsAFish · 24/07/2007 11:54

she is not laled x hs eis called HARLOT

HarryShagsAFish · 24/07/2007 11:54
Spidermama · 24/07/2007 12:07

Great advice CountessD.

Htbr - please don't worry about snooping in his emails. You felt the need to and so you did. If he isn't open with you, you're going to feel the need to snoop. It's self protection and makes perfect sense.

I'm not normally remotely interested in snooping around my dh's stuff but the two times I have done it have been when he's been hiding an affair from me.

I would do exactly as the countess says.

My dh has had two affairs in the past 14 years. I've had him back both times but you need to know what you both want and you need to be able to trust him and trust that he loves you and wants to be with you.

I hope you're OK. Your head must be whizzing around. Feel free to CAT me if you need to talk and very best of luck.

annieatno4 · 24/07/2007 12:21

Hi,
Me too, the one time i check my hubbys emails was when he was hiding something from me - your instinct told you something was wrong - follow it.

Spidermama - your amazing - taking him back twice. Iam 12 weeks into all this, glad he is home, but finding it all very hard

theman · 24/07/2007 12:34

honestly though if i caught the other half snooping through my e-mail or checking my texts that would be a deal breaker for me. it's something i would never do to another person without permission and the lack of trust would make such a relationship untenable in my eyes.

CountessDracula · 24/07/2007 12:35

what about the fact that her dh has been having an inappropriate relationship with another woman and the only reason htbr snooped was to verify her suspicions?

And if you have nothing to hide why would you mind anyway?

JeremyVile · 24/07/2007 12:36

So you would divorce you wife and leave your children because she looked at your emails?

Really? Wierdo.

startouchedtrinity · 24/07/2007 12:41

I've been out of an office environment for so long I'd forgotten how easy it is to make harassment stick these days. God your dh has been an idiot.

You have done nothing wrong in looking at his e-mails.

theman · 24/07/2007 12:42

i never said anything about leaving my children. i'd imagine i'd fight for custody.
what i did say was that a relationship with so little trust that you are actively spying on each other is as pointless as one where there is an affair going on. why would i remain with someone i did not trust or who didn't trust me?

CountessDracula · 24/07/2007 12:44

do you think this is helping the OP theman?

JeremyVile · 24/07/2007 12:44

Oh go away - dont you have a lecture to prepare for or something.

ladylush · 24/07/2007 12:45

Wasn't trust broken at the point that he reciprocated flirting with the female colleague? Not at the point she looked at his emails.

theman · 24/07/2007 12:50

"Wasn't trust broken at the point that he reciprocated flirting with the female colleague? Not at the point she looked at his emails."

oh i'm not saying he's in the right.if he was flirting inappropriately at work of course the trust was broken.
i just saw a few posts saying that the op was completely in the right to snoop through his e-mails and i felt she was not.

CountessDracula · 24/07/2007 12:51

it is irrelevant
she found evidence of his inappropriate behaviour which she suspected

theman · 24/07/2007 12:51

"Oh go away - dont you have a lecture to prepare for or something."

well done.very on point and relevant to the topic at hand. i wonder how you would accept a personal attack from me?i'd imagine i'd be in the wrong there too.