still shaking - hve discoverd my instinct about the other woman was right

[hatingtoberight]

Dh work colleague - I've had bad vibes abouther since day one. Iknew somethign ws brewing. I have just seen an email exhcnage between them from last night - she has obvioulsy had anr 'emotional outburst' with him yesterday and now he knows how she feels abouthim. Oh God - I so didn't want this to be right. They have to work together - how are they goign to do this? What on earth doI do next? sit by and watch it develop and hop e he sees sense? declare my hand and that I ws looking at his email? If i tell him I'm onto them - it won't necesarily stop it - it wil just be better covered up. He's been so nice recently - of COURSe he bloody has!

I don't think it's right exactly, but as others have said the intuition thing is pretty strong and it does seem her hunch was right. If she hadn't looked at the emails would he have been honest when confronted? I doubt it.

Theman - you are correct, my comment was not necessary and was pointless. I apologise.

I do though find your attitude completely odd - by your reckoning, if the OP was your wife, for looking at your email, the marriage would be over and you'd take her children away from her - for looking at her husbands email.

and that's my only point.there is absolutely no trust here.
as far as we know he has not done anything wrong in the sense that he has not made a move but he may have kept the fact that this woman had feelings for him a secret.
now why he did that is still debatable.as the op said she was already weary of this woman.maybe her partner felt that telling her would just leave her a paranoid wreck while he was at work every day or maybe it was because he was interested.
i am not saying who is right or wrong here, i'm just saying there is a severe lack of trust on both sides.

I din't take teh looking at emails decison lightly- I couldn't stand teh uncertainty. I coudln't bear talkin gto him about it and him covering it up and then me having no way of ever verifying what wsa happening - that would be too much for me. They say knoweldge is power - it's all I have at the moment. I have to be a step ahead -it's my family at stake here.

Stop making it so bloody dramatic - this is not a marriage-ending scenario.

There is an issue, the OP is taking steps to find out what (if anything) has happened, then im sure they'll work through it.

Theman, the OP said she didn't trust the work colleague.

Presumably you think it would be right if your partner came home and said she didn't trust you, therefore your relationship was worthless and she wanted a divorce/separation (the relationship not being worth it in your opinion). You don't think it might be worth trying to make things right for the sake of a dent to your self-righteousness?

theman, I think there is a bit more information than that. You might want to read the whole thread before putting the blame on the OP.

htbr
pls do email me!
countessdrac at gmail dot com

no worries JV i like your style.a good debate is always fun,be boring if we agreed all the time.

"I do though find your attitude completely odd - by your reckoning, if the OP was your wife, for looking at your email, the marriage would be over and you'd take her children away from her - for looking at her husbands email."

my attitude is not that i would want this to happen.but just that i personally could not be in a relationship where my wife did not trust me to the extent that she was snooping through my e-mail. i have nothing to hide there and here seeing my e-mail page by accident or looking at a text by accident would not bother me.what would bother me would be her not trusting me to answer her honestly regarding a matter and not taking my word on something to the extent that she spied on me and read my personal communications behind my back.it is the lack of trust and secrecy that would bother me.
the ending of the marriage and a custody battle would be inevitable if we split.
in that one i can't win, a minute ago i was leaving my wife and my children now i'm taking her children away from her. unfortunately that would be unavoidable in a split.

PLEASE theman
this is a thread for someone to get some help and support
not a fun chatty place for you to have a "good debate". If you want to do that I really think it would be best if you started another thread.

htbr is in a terrible place right now, you are not helping/

"theman, I think there is a bit more information than that. You might want to read the whole thread before putting the blame on the OP."

i'm not trying to put blame on her. i've read the whole thing. my first post on this matter was saying that she needs to talk to him and set things straight. my main point was that in checking his e-mails was that there is obviously a lack of trust on both sides.

"You don't think it might be worth trying to make things right for the sake of a dent to your self-righteousness?"

this is not some sort of pride thing.this just one of those things that for me would be an absolute deal breaker for me. everyone sets their own standards in a relationship and must only justify it to themselves.at no point have i tried to force mine on anyone i have only commented on what my personal reaction would be.
many people put up with things in relationships that others try to look past and work through.some may give an unfaithful partner another chance while others will take a one strike and your out policy.this is not a matter of pride in me, it is simply one of the most basic foundations for my relationship and if it were to go i could not see the relationship continue.

You tell him Drac.

Beware, theman, she has fangs.

Seriously, HTBR, e-mail the Drac. She's level headed and wants to help.

And he created that lack of trust when it bacame apparent that he was sneaking around. The e-mail was just a bit of research to gather evidence. It is the the thing that broke the trust.

Now, PLEASE, listen to the Drac and let us help this person

Email a reply to her.

Tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and you will forward the meails to their superiors if she takes this any further.

I would tell her that my husband had been completely honest with me and showed me these emails even if he didn't so she would feel belittled and crap about her outburst.

I would then ring DH and tell him I have found the emails and have replied to them and he is to come home and discuss this or the locks will be changed and his key will not work - or maybe just phone in floods of tears and tell him there is an emergency and he needs to come home and then hit him with a large salami!!

(Then I would go and slash the bitches tyres and pour red paint over her car and write Whore, Bitch, Slut Marriage Wrecker, over it too! - but I am not advising this!!)

where is the lack of trust on his side? He doesn't mistrust her does he

She went into his emails because she rightly mistrusted him

I really think you can postulate about what you would do to your heart's content. It's like people before they have kids saying NOW when I have kids there will be no dummies, no bottle feeding, they will sleep through by 3 weeks and never answer back.

Until you have been there you don't know HOW you will react

I still think involving her would be a mistake.

This is between the OP and her husband. He needs to put a stop to it - if she goes in guns blazing for the other woman, they are no further along really. There will ALWAYS be women like this around sadly - those that are intent on hitting on men - it's up to him to bat her off.

I agree with cd here - call him back and try and have a chat with him about how it has got to this stage. That's all you can do really.

It sounds as if he's been enjoying the clandestine aspect of it

"where is the lack of trust on his side? He doesn't mistrust her does he"

well if he doesn't trust his wife enough to tell him about this woman having feelings for him (presumably he would have acted on them if he was going to cheat)

but i'll take your advice and bow out rather thans tart a fight.

also

"Then I would go and slash the bitches tyres and pour red paint over her car and write Whore, Bitch, Slut Marriage Wrecker, over it too! - but I am not advising this!"

[scared shitless smiley]

I agree. If anything happens between him and the OW, it will be because he allowed it to. It might be all on her side at the moment, although I must say that IMO women don't open their hearts completely unless they feel sure of some return feeling.

I think HTBR should tell her h what she has seen and ask him in no uncertain terms how far it has gone. Then, he might be able to realise - if he has got feelings for the woman - what he could lose.

I very much doubt it was becasue he didn't turst her more that he was enjoying it and wnated ti to continue

Ha ha (re scared shitless)- I think involving her in this is the right thing to do - she is happy and confident that maybe he feels the same and would quake in her boots if you were to email her telling her straight what the situation is and just how appalling she is being - it would probably make your DH look a bit weak and pathetic too which is a good thing as maybe it would knock him off his pedestal in her eyes!!

Maybe ring him first and tell him you are going to.

Well clearly twinkie you are entitled to your opinion
I fear that it would be a bad move though

Let's face it, we spend longer awake with our work colleagues than our partners. It is common for affairs to start at work for that reason. He probably was flattered that a presumably attractive woman was interested in him. He might have even instigated it - who knows. The only way to find out is to ask, although I totally understand your reluctance to do so.

hey yes - and guess where we two met?!
the irony is not lost on me.

sorry to hear of the agony you are going through