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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just cancelled the wedding

337 replies

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:08

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 12/06/2019 09:43

Morning all, feel more numb today - woke up and instead of it hitting me what had happened I feel like it's part of my life now if that makes sense. Perhaps it's a level of acceptance.

Thank you to those who've shared their stories of going through it, it's made me see there is a future in a way

I got to a place last night where I was very shaken and wound up and crying, almost like a panic attack tbh and rang Samaritans line. The woman I spoke to was absolutely amazing, and 45 minutes later I'm completely calm. Interestingly she said she wasn't usually allowed to give opinion or advice but she commended me on cancelling the wedding too. One thing she said keeps going round my head: "maybe he was the right man for the last 5 years, maybe he was the right man to have a child with and will be a great father, but simply not the right man for you as a life partner"

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 12/06/2019 09:48

Also, my cat has become so protective - she's by my side constantly which is unusual, and sat outside the door whilst I had a shower. I know it's a silly little thing but it made me smile

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 12/06/2019 09:48

"maybe he was the right man for the last 5 years, maybe he was the right man to have a child with and will be a great father, but simply not the right man for you as a life partner"
very good advice really.

bluebell34567 · 12/06/2019 09:49

your cat is gorgeous Smile

AuntMarch · 12/06/2019 09:59

Hi OP,

Late to the thread but just wanted to echo what everyone else has said - you seem to be handling an incredibly shit situation really well!
I was glad to read that you let him take the baby - it's difficult to feel like he deserves it, but the child certainly does and actually you deserve not to do all the work on your own, especially while you are dealing with everyone else!

RiversDisguise · 12/06/2019 10:07

Good cat!Smile

Sexnotgender · 12/06/2019 10:10

Great advice from Samaritans. It stops you falling into the sunk costs fallacy.
Animals are very intuitive! Sounds like your cat knows you need comfort.

LunaTheCat · 12/06/2019 10:17

I think you are so so brave. You have stood your ground.
You will get nothing but support and love and if people ask why tell them honesty - he cheated when we had a very small baby.
You have taken hold. Whatever happened in the future you are stronger for this. Keep holding your strength.
Many , many women stuck in awful relationships tell me that they knew before the wedding and where too scared or embarrassed to call off. They regret that for a very very long time and sometimes forever💐

Scorpvenus1 · 12/06/2019 10:27

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

no excuse for cheating and they never change.

you did the right thing

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 12/06/2019 10:33

Cats and dogs are very good at sensing when their human is in distress. The good thing is that you can say anything to them and they'll never tell. You can say anything about your ex and not a word will get back to him.

As long as the Dreamies keep coming.

Good luck OP. I think you've done the right thing.

stucknoue · 12/06/2019 10:50

Hugs, but congratulations on being so strong. I was you once, except I married him and 20 years later it's over and he cites the fact he walked all over me and cheated when I was pregnant as a reason, no respect (he says he hasn't cheated since we married). I should have walked away, it's so hard, feeling like you have failed your child, other people, grieving for the life you imagined but it's still the right choice, he will not respect you for a second chance

Kennehora · 12/06/2019 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterflyone1 · 12/06/2019 11:06

Someone shared something amazing with me once that I think will help reinforce what the lady at Samaritans said to you.

Search for A reason, a season a life time. You'll read lots of interesting articles and the poem but basically people come into our lives for various amounts of time.

Your ex sounds like a season. He gave you your beautiful baby, he's made you a strong women who is willing to stand by her morals and standards instead of continuing to get married to the wrong man.

I have so much respect for you. You're very strong and have done the right thing. You can not trust this man and deserve so much more.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/06/2019 12:29

Yes, I was going to recommend the "friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for life" thing too.

You are doing SO well but, from experience, I know that you will have days when you take a few steps back. There will still be days when the grief hits hard at the loss of your planned life together - but I can assure you these days will become farther apart and happen less often as time goes on.

And the more you focus on rebuilding your life without him as a partner, the better it will be.
Also, get finances tied down as quickly as you can - again, from experience, the first 6 weeks is the best time to get him to agree to stuff, as feelings will still be high and he'll be more likely to give you what you ask for. Do NOT be noble about it - think of your future with your baby and ask for what you should get. After the first few weeks, any guilt he might feel will wear off and he'll start to rewrite the narrative to make YOU out as the problem, and himself as the victim - and then he'll start to feel aggrieved at the idea of giving you money.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you are absolutely doing the right thing, keep going. xx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/06/2019 12:30

Also agree with completely ignoring the OW situation - no point at all in you chasing her down, that's so undignified.

lilpumpsmum · 12/06/2019 13:17

OP just another voice to echo that you are so brave and strong to go ahead and cancel.
It was 100% the right thing to do.
I know it feels like you'll never love anyone else again but believe me that will change.
All the best

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 13:19

You're doing so well OP.
And that Samaritans caller was amazing!

It's Ok to cry. It's completely acceptable to break down. This is a horrific thing to have to live through.
I hope your support in real life is going well.

AllOverIt · 12/06/2019 18:53

Aw. Love that advice from the lovely Samaritans lady. And your cat sounds gorgeous. Stay strong OP.

Lozzerbmc · 12/06/2019 19:06

What an amazing woman you are. He is an idiot of the highest order. I think you deserve someone way better. Flowers

Original poster
sirmione16 · 12/06/2019 20:09

You know I've been on and off mumsnet and disagreed with a lot of comments and threads. But I'm genuinely so thankful for it right now. (All but one. I have no intention of hunting her down, I don't want to know about her at all. It's insignificant. And tbf my non immediate family have just checked me and baby we're okay and have wished us the best, they haven't pried)

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 12/06/2019 23:02

You sound great op-your grieving for the life you thought you were goin g to have/had perfectly normal

Animals always know when something is wrong

truthisarevolutionaryact · 12/06/2019 23:16

I'm in awe of your courage OP - to have been so decisive and strong. I know it's not the future you anticipated but you have a nearly 5 month old to love and cherish - and from the sound of it, much real life support. Flowers

PicsInRed · 12/06/2019 23:37

I knew. On my wedding day I knew it was wrong.
At the end of the day, I wasn't happy, just relieved that I'd got through it and it was "done". Relief that the wedding day was over.

OP, well done you. WELL DONE for having the strength to save yourself for something better and someone more deserving.

Original poster
sirmione16 · 13/06/2019 00:00

So I made him send out a mass email to our guests (we had the system set up for food choices) to inform them all it was cancelled . I made him sign it from him. He was with me as he did it, and looked genuinely distressed and said it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. More tears. Another long talk. He also stayed behind today and cleaned the house, put all wedding stuff in the loft - and he wrote me a letter 2 pages of A4 that detail a lot, and is very deep. He needs therapy for himself, no matter what happens, you can tell from what he's wrote.

Still not let him move back in, still not decided what to do. Taking it one breath at a time, and seeing how I feel each time I look at him. I only cried once and that was when he was here today. So that's a plus.

OP posts:
wizzler · 13/06/2019 00:35

Op, it must be so difficult. It would have all been so much harder if you had married him. You are so strong, you will get through this.

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