Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

Well done OP. You have done the right thing for sure. Dodged a bullet.

Glad to hear sending out the email seems to have really brought home to him the enormity of what he has done. I hope he's suffering. He deserves to suffer. It's probably his only chance to actually grow up.

Oh dear, he's going to suck you back in with the beaten puppy dog act.

No one owes anyone a relationship out of pity.
You are not obliged to stick around after being cheated on to nurse this deceitful twat through his personal problems. He didn’t plan a weekend shagging her while you were on your hen do because he’s a poor soul who needs help. He did that because he wanted to have sex with someone else while you were away in the belief that you wouldn’t find out. He would have met her if you hadn’t.
Remember that.

He probably does need counselling - but it’s ip to him to take responsibility and seek out that help, not to sit back and expect you to fix him

Take care OP

I’m in awe of you OP. You are keeping your dignity and integrity intact whilst dealing with a huge crisis. Take your time to heal and get strong 💐

Do not let him back in until at least he's done counselling

Pictish - my reading of the situation was that Op had her Hen do last weekend, It was my hen do the weekend, so the chances are that he did spend the weekend having sex with the OW. Bet he managed to get through the weekend with her without having a sad face.

Op, you have been so strong so far, please don’t let him try and wheedle his way back in by putting the sad face on. Every time your resolve waivers, think of how he has betrayed you and your son - 5 weeks before your wedding.

As a PP asked, was he also looking after your DS whilst meeting her at the weekend?

Stay strong, and realise that there are good men out there, men who would never dream of doing this to you.

Hi OP

I wasn’t going to comment as felt nothing I could say would possibly help. But I’ve read all your comments and now feel I HAVE to!

Bloody well done!
I genuinely mean that from the bottom of my heart.
I had to call off my wedding a couple of years ago and it was completely humiliating and awful (even though it wasn’t my fault) and there were several occasions I almost went ahead with it just to save face!

So I understand how hard this will have been for you. It’s losing something YOU wanted so much and DESERVED because of his inability to behave like a decent person.
My ex wanted to ‘work on us’ and ‘get back to where we were’ and I remember just sitting there staring at him - so angry thinking ‘I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! Why should I now spend months and months trying to rebuild something that you broke?’ And I knew then that I’d never forgive him as I already resented him too much for ruining everything!

But then again I’m not an overly patient or forgiving (of awful behaviour) person, maybe you are. Just consider carefully whether you’ll ever get over this feeling and this wedding being called off!

I was worried it would ruin any future wedding for me and I have to say when my now DH (different guy) proposed I immediately recoiled from the thought of a big wedding. It felt embarrassing but it was what he wanted (and me deep down) so we slowly started to plan.

It was all in my head and everybody was thrilled for us! But in the weeks leading up the wedding I kept waking up in panic attacks worried something would go wrong and I’d have to call it off again! I hated my Ex for leaving me with such insecurities but once you’ve totally trusted someone and had the rug pulled from under you it’s hard to forget!

Luckily DH is genuinely the best man in the world 😂🙈

Me: (Sweating and shaking at 4am a couple of days before wedding) I dreamt we were on a cruise and you slept with one of the women from the buffet 😭.
DH: (Half asleep and snuggling) No cruise for us...boats bad...😴

It takes courage to do what you have done, you've certainly dodged a bullet by not marrying him. Well done, chin up and be proud, you have standards.

Simione

Lose a cheater, gain a life.

You have done absolutely the right thing in calling the wedding off.
He cannot fundamentally be trusted. No-one put a gun to his head and he acted with his own freewill throughout. You do not owe him a relationship going forward and if he wants counselling (which I actually doubt he would at all do) let him arrange that without any input from you.

He’s going to use every trick in the book to worm his way in. Just be mindful of that.

I've only lurked on this thread up until no OP but I just had to come out of hiding to say how much I admire you. I have been in a similar situation (not cheating AFAIK but general deceit and a massive gambling addiction) but in my case I went through with the wedding because I couldn't face the humiliation I thought cancelling it would bring. I'm not divorced and married to the most wonderful man but I could have saved myself so much hassle had I been as brave as you.

YY to IvanaPee

Be ready for tears, groveling apologies, promises, flowers, threats, insults, talk of suicide...

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Knowledge is power, so: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

I imagine you don't want to believe he would put on mental distress as a way to manipulate you, but you also never dreamed he would betray you like this.

Take care.

You're all amazing to me, the support is 100% helping.

I took the baby round his parents and we all had dinner together tonight. His mum took me aside at one point and apologised that he'd done this and said how sad and heavy her and her husband are, that she loved me like a daughter and respects me no matter what She even cried as we hugged, it broke my heart.

I know it's going to be an unpopular opinion but I don't feel I'm done with him or our relationship. I certainly won't let it all go over night, but right now he's willing to go to counselling as a couple and also by himself, we're taking baby steps such as tonight. And we're going to go shopping to get the baby a walker tomorrow and maybe have a coffee. I suppose I'm trying to identify how our dynamic is now, and whether in my heart I can move on or not - and I'll only know that by spending time with him and seeing what transpired over the coming months.

If it doesn't work, at least I can say that 1. I never did anything wrong and 2. I tried and fought till the end. I won't feel stupid or as if I've lowered my standards, as long as I approach this with utter caution and the moment it's wrong, I walk away.

Well good luck, OP.

You don't have to decide anything permanent now. You have all the time in the world. Very sensible to cancel the wedding and to see where you are later on. Most important thing is not to feel rushed. My advice is to ignore what he says - he will promise you the earth at this point and judge him on what you see him do long term. Obviously this can't be rushed.

well good luck, OP

This is the reaction I'm dreading. People thinking I'm stupid for trying. seeing me as lowering my self worth for trying. I've been through so much with him I couldn't even possibly begin to detail, I can't throw it away that easily. I know he risked it all. I know.

My heads a bloody mess.

Not risked, wrecked.

Don't do it.

You've been through so much with him? Well snap. He's also been through exactly the same with you, and it meant fuck all to him. Maybe think of it that way.

Good luck. I can understand how very tempting it is to try to go back to the way it was, but don't forget that this wasn't a one off event, it was premeditated and lasted several months, and if he is going to do that to the woman he is about to marry and has just had a baby with, what's he going to do 10-15 years down the line when married life is getting a bit stale and boring? Be careful you don't end up married to a serial cheater.

It’s your life OP, only you can decide what’s right. I think people are just worried it’s been very little time at all and it’s such a big decision to make. I would worry by going shopping together / having family meals etc it says you’re accepting this behaviour and are willing to forgive very easily.

You have so much support and I hope you don’t take my message the wrong way at all, I promise I mean it with no bad intentions. My ex cheated on me (it was a year in to our relationship and we were together 11 years) a year after marrying me he decided he wanted to be single and broke my heart all over again and my biggest regret to date is forgiving it in the first place and those wasted years. X

This is the reaction I'm dreading.

Sorry. Please don't think I think you're stupid, OP - it's just I've been where you are. Not cancelling a wedding, but a partner who cheated while I was pregnant/new baby. I gave second chances. I put myself through the wringer to try to make it work.

I know it hurts like fuck and the way to make it stop seems to be to try again. It's really soon to be deciding that. I wish I'd given myself time.

Sincerely, I do hope it works out for you if you're determined to try.

my biggest regret to date is forgiving it in the first place and those wasted years

@Missbee90 thank you for sharing. This is my fear too

@category12 do you regret giving him a second chance? What were you reasons for doing so?