Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

I agree. I have nothing but sympathy for you. It’s an absolute shitfest but I have no doubt you’ll live to to see another day. You sound switched on and decisive. Even if you don’t feel it, it is clear that you are strong with healthy self-esteem. You have done right and will do well. Xx

Well done for getting on with things. No matter how painful, you can take pride in being the one taking control of things and doing what needs to be done.

You know what you are doing is right, and the financial implications are so gutting, but it will be so worth it to know that, if and when you marry again, it will be in a situation that feels right. Well done. You should be so proud of yourself!

You have dodged a bullet. May feel like hell now but nothing compared to 15 years down the line when you discover there has been a constant stream of OWs, in your house, your bed, your car...

What a tosser. Squirming away and trying to avoid telling you the full thing, even now. Dump him, don't bother with counselling. These bastards don't ever change

So sorry OP

Woah. You have dodged a bullet! So sorry you're going through this, but agree with others. Don't make excuses for him. He's a dick. And you're brilliant.

He isn't going to cancel stuff. He is going to leave it and hope that it makes Op feel like she has to go through it so as not to waste everything.

Doing what she can is the best thing to make sure it is done and get back what ever she can.

Yes I've done the cancellations as it felt like I was sorting it out, sorting my head out and confirming to myself it's what's right and what I wanted IYSWIM

He wanted to see the baby and quite honestly I feel like I need some time alone, so he's just taking him and will drop him back tomorrow. I haven't eaten yet today, I've no appetite. I just keep sobbing uncontrollably. I still love him so fuxking much and I want the future I've built back, I want my life back. I fiercely don't want to be with anyone else, but my head tells me I can't trust him.

I don't want to build a new life, I don't want to be a single parent with a baby not even 5 months old, I don't want to date or meet new people. I don't want to. I was so bloody happy. I don't understand

Oh you poor thing. Of course you want your life back. You didn’t choose this.

I know you love him. Those feelings don’t just disappear.

But you love the man you thought he was, not the slime ball who could treat you this way. Who happily risked not being with his own baby every day for a cheap thrill.

That’s who he is. You unfortunately got the fake.

Please eat. Whatever you can stomach. You’ll honestly feel a tiny bit more human if you do.

What did he say when he took the baby? Don’t let him manipulate you. It will be very easy for him to do while you’re feeling so vulnerable x

Could you have a friend over tonight? A family member?

Failing that I would suggest a hot bath and some utter shite to binge watch on Netflix.

You have a lot to think about and a lot to do but please give yourself some time to just try to forget. Just for tonight.

Your heart is breaking but the person you love doesn’t exist. This man is someone else, someone who would have married you while having sexual with someone else if you hadn’t checked his phone.

If you can afford it, OP, I really recommend counselling, I’m having CBT after an awful break-up and it’s helped so much.

Try to take things one day at a time. Make sure you have something to do each day, no matter how small, preferably something that will make you feel a bit better. I found online window shopping very helpful! When you feel stronger, go out for a nice coffee, get your nails done, things like that. Start reading books on recovery after betrayal- my Kindle is my best friend at the moment! Have a nice bath, make sure you get some decent sleep if you can (difficult I know with a baby). Be kind to yourself. 💐

So sorry for what you're going through.

Do his family know what he's done? Have they reached out to you?

I'm so sorry, you don't have to do anymore right now. It's shit and you're allowed to be upset. Your feelings can't just be switched off, let it out, you've had a big shock. Just look after yourself and your baby right now xx

Do his family know what he's done? Have they reached out to you?

Yes, his sister offered to drive 4 hours to come and see me today, she's shocked he'd do it. His mum has apologised on his behalf she's that mortified, and has been round for a cuppa - she's supportive and has said no matter what she'll be here for me and the baby. She hinted that her and her partner had actually gone through similar but stayed together (been together nearly 30 years now i don't know when anything happened)

I do have a strong support network, but they're all quite shaken themselves I think, too so I feel like I put on a bit of a braver face when around them - I needed a bit of an outlet on here to vent and find some kind of strength in it.

I certainly didn't expect so many replies though! So thank you. As I said before, I've screenshot a lot of them and read over them when I'm feeling wobbly

Mothers of cheating sons will often hint they've been through similar but stayed together. Don't let this sway you. Remember her son will always come first for her. It's your decision what happens now.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You sound utterly awesome but it must be So hard for you😪
The sun will shine again one day that's for sure💐

Hang in there @sirmione16 you’re doing brilliantly. I completely understand all of those feelings and whilst it seems unbearable now, it will pass, things will get easier.

Be kind to yourself. The man you loved does not exist. He only showed you his best self, not his real self, and you deserve someone real

Oh OP, I was literally you just a few years ago just minus the baby. ExF at the time began cheating on me a few weeks after I had a miscarriage. I found out 3 weeks before our wedding in the middle of the night and sent off emails to every booking and arrangement cancelling within hours of finding out. I was scared that if I didn’t cancel then and there he would somehow talk me round.. I still remember those weeks where I would literally not eat anything other than one or two bites and just didn’t sleep at all. I’d lay in bed with my eyes shut but not sleeping, just replaying them in my head over and over. It was awful.

Though when I look back now, honestly I am so proud of myself. I was so unbelievably strong and I didn’t realise it at the time! I thought I was weak, and felt embarrassed about the whole situation, I felt like I was such a cliche! I have no idea where I found the strength to cancel and stay firm, I had never felt love or loved like that in my life and to lose it is akin to an apocalypse. Sorry, this is long and I’m rambling a hell of a lot! I’m just trying to say that your post resonates with me so much, but I know you can do this OP! You and your baby deserve so much better than this and it’s out there waiting for you. Just take each day by the hour, and in those seconds in between where it seems like you just can’t do it, come back here and read all the comments from all the women rooting for you.

So sorry you’re going through this op.
But you are one strong woman

I just keep sobbing uncontrollably. I still love him so fuxking much and I want the future I've built back, I want my life back. I fiercely don't want to be with anyone else, but my head tells me I can't trust him.

I don't want to build a new life, I don't want to be a single parent with a baby not even 5 months old, I don't want to date or meet new people. I don't want to. I was so bloody happy. I don't understand

You are going to go through a period of grieving for the life you thought you had and the future you thought you would have, together.

You are understandably floored right now, but you will gradually begin to piece yourself back together. You will eventually feel a huge amount of anger toward him for what he took from you, for the way he failed to value what he had, and for casually throwing away not only his own home life but yours, and most of all for what he did to the family your baby had.

You don't have to think of someone else at all, not ever, perhaps. Leave all that to fate. There is nothing to be gained from thinking about any of that now. But don't despair. If the right man is out there for you, it will happen. Leave it for now.

For now, concentrate on leaning on other people, eating whatever you can, sticking to a healthy routine of eating, drinking water, getting a little exercise and fresh air, and taking each day as it comes.

You are so brave to have done the cancellations and spoken to people. Make sure you take the time to give yourself a huge pat on the back for your courage and smartness.

It's cruel what you are going through. You don't deserve it. He is unworthy of you.

You will get through this.

You've been very brave.

If you don't want all your guests to gossip or know the truth, just say that you'be decided to delay due to the demands of parenting. That's a perfectly reAsonable excuse. But don't let the other woman off either. Arrange (if possible) to track her down and confront her about the fact that she has contributed towards the breakup of your family. And tell her that, if and when she has a baby, you'd like her to consider the full implications of what she has done. Make her squirm too.

you'be decided to delay due to the demands of parenting. That's a perfectly reAsonable excuse

Not at this short notice it isn't. I'm sorry but I think that's a invite to huge speculation.

No one cancels the wedding with 5 weeks to go because they've decided they'd just rather do it another time. That'd be a hugely inconsiderate and selfish thing to do to guests for a start.

People would know something was up and speculate.

The OP should not feel ashamed, the shame belongs 100% to her ex.

@captaindamaged I’m very proud of you too 👏
I wish you well in your continued journey through life - you are indeed very strong .

OP I can’t stop thinking about you .
Again I’m so sorry - please hold your head high and congratulate yourself for getting through the last couple of days .
I understand that the feelings of love don’t just switch off and it is very difficult to process and reconcile the strong feelings you have for the person that you knew while coming to terms with their shitty actions .
You’ve had a massive shock but in time these feelings will assemble themselves in the correct place ...
You will get angry , upset and you will grieve but I promise bit by bit over time , somehow you just start to feel a little better ...

Here’s a hug for this morning x

category12 Tue 11-Jun-19 16:18:11
Can I ask why you're doing the cancellations? I'd have thought it would be on him to do that.

Ahahahaha. Yes, you'd think that wouldn't you. No. He won't do it.
When my ex left me in the lurch, I did all the cancellations to make sure they happened. The only thing I told him to do was tell his friends that the wedding was off.
4 week before the wedding, one of his friends rang me, worried that his invitation had got lost in the post or something (he would have been an usher, he wasn't being a CF) - of course the ex hadn't bothered to tell him it was all off. Stupid fucker - it made for an incredibly uncomfortable conversation between his friend and me, as I had to apologise for him not knowing that we'd split and so on.

So no - never rely on the wrongdoer to actually taken any responsibility for clearing up their mess, especially where money is involved.

You have definitely done the right thing OP, you have great courage and strength.

Well of course you're grieving, OP. Of course you can't imagine being with another man. That's testament to your character - you loved, deeply and honestly. That came from you. Unfortunately it was wasted on a total twatbadger, but some day you'll be ready to love again.