Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

@sirmione16 Op, if I could give you one piece of advice, it's this:

have a week of no-contact

So far you've had the shock of discovery, and the furious activity of cancelling, and now you're besieged by him and his parents, who, however lovely and supportive they are, at base are afraid of their son being unhappy and losing the grandchildren, and you. And it's all about how sad and fucked up he is, and you're dealing with his emotions and their emotions, on top of your own.

If at all practical, go away for a week. If not, no contact.

Tell him what you are doing and that there's still a chance of making it work so he's got no excuse for more bad behaviour. If you're desperately afraid that if you're not there or in contact that he'll fuck someone else, then there's an answer to whether you should be trying at all.

A week of no contact isn't going to damage his bond with the baby either.

Take some time away from him, sit with your feelings and your pain, and really let yourself have a chance to deal with just how you feel.

Yes @Oohgossip 100% but not of course straight away and it took time but 100% sure.
Sometimes things are worth saving, sometimes not. But in my case it was am I'm glad I did.

Definitely stick to your guns. The only person who should be mortified is the cheating scumbag, but they rarely are.

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must all be OP, and your decisions on how to proceed are yours alone. I know how hard to is with regards to the cheating- I think most of us here do. I can remember begging my XH to try again after I found out about the OW. What I do take from those dark days is the overwhelming relief that he didn't say yes and we didn't waste more time because nothing could've fixed it. Now of course I can't believe I ever entertained having him back! And it has left me with very firm lines about what is acceptable.

Good luck op - you have been incredibly strong. I wish you the best.

I know it’s not easy. But I feel like you think you’ve taught him a lesson by cancelling the wedding. When all he’s going to have lost is a party, and if you’re a SAHM, you’ll have lost your dignity, trust, self-respect AND the security a marriage would have brought, financially and legally

This.

OP it's so difficult. I've been in a similar situation.

Please take advice from a PP and go no contact for a week, at least. YOU need this to be able to think clearly. Going for coffee with the man you love and seeing him is NOT going to help you reach any decision sensibly.
It's great advice.
Coffee dates and going for walks etc will make him think he's in the clear trust me.

OP I can only echo what others have said - they don't change. I gave my exH numerous chances but all I taught him was that he could treat me however he liked. He was also massively distressed when I finally left him, tears, suicide threats, the usual. Once he realised we were truly over he moved on in no time - it was the status quo he didn't want to lose, not me.

Don't make any decisions yet - you need time to grieve. The relationships that survive an affair are overwhelmingly the ones where the cheater has been fully open and honest post-discovery, no minimising, blame or drip-drip-drip of new information coming out. You might well be the outlying statistic that goes against all the other evidence but just be prepared to go through all this again if you take him back without him giving you full disclosure first (it's clear as day he's minimising what happened).

As an aside I feel that you seem to be viewing him cleaning the house, seeing your baby etc as something in his favour. This shouldn't even be registering on your radar as a positive trait - he's just doing what adults should be doing and it's no indication that he's a good man underneath it all or whatever.

@category12 I think this really is sound advice and so from tonight I'm taking it on board. I have packed him a suitcase for a week and leaving it outside in the porch. Told him to go through my Mum to see the baby for now, and set certain days he can have him

@MyCatHatesEverybody I don't see these chores as a favour as such, it's just that it's the first time in months he's felt present and bothered about his home and it's taken me aback a little, but you're right - I'm not being persuaded he's a good guy just by some groceries and hoovering lol.

My heads a mess and one minute I'm fine, the next I'm crying uncontrollably. Been getting me and baby out the house and keeping my mind busy. Went to my PT session today, told her what's happened as I haven't been eating because of it. She scrapped my session and we did boxing and body combat instead. Man did it feel good to hit something

The thing is he's acting present and bothered about your home for his sake not yours - it's a means to an end to get him back where he wants to be. Infidelity aside he's spent months being nasty to you - he wouldn't be bothering with any of this if you'd simply told him "don't worry I forgive you" the moment you discovered his cheating.

So sorry you are going through this, it hurts like fuck. Body combat sounds good though

@MyCatHatesEverybody you're right. And I know you're right. It's that cliche "head over heart" thing I'm fighting with. It's hard to come to this realisation, but I think I am slowly

I know that it's such early days, but I agree with others that you could really do with a week away. Any friends or family you could stay with or rent a seaside cottage with? Looking after a young baby by yourself whilst dealing with something so devastating is unbelievably exhausting. When my baby was a few months old, my husband became very unwell and I was left looking after my baby and young son alone whilst he was on a life support machine in a coma fighting for his life. I was beyond exhausted after a few weeks and didn't eat much at all. Thankfully kind friends organised food, baby supplies and helped out. Getting out for a short walk in the fresh air helped each day. You need to be surrounded by kind people who look after you and make you get some fresh air and eat. A week away somewhere nice with long walks/fresh air could really help. If you look after your body and get more sleep, you'll be able to think much clearer. Re relaxation and sleep - try The Calm App. I was also waking up in the night having panic attacks and lay there shaking. The Calm app helped take the edge off things. Try to just focus on yourself. Longer term Decisions about living arrangements, finances etc can wait. Or delegate the latter to relatives to advise you on financial implications etc. Accept all offers of help. Thinking of you and really hoping that you'll be in a much better place in a few weeks/months time. Xx

I just want to add the "they don't change" refrain. The worst time for him is the time he first gets found out. If you stay with him it will be easier the next time, and the next time. And I promise you there will be more next times. The taboo is broken.

I urge you to cut your losses now, and not waste another 1, 3 or 5 years in this relationship.

That said, if you split now, and he lives the life of a monk for the next year in an attempt to prove you really are the love of his life then perhaps reconsider. I suspect however that he will move on very quickly. Sorry OP

I think if he can do this to you after you gave him a child then it doesn't get much lower really does it?

I'm glad you're going to take some time and space for yourself. (The chances are high that he will try to break the non-contact, but you need to be very firm on it.)

Sorry I've only just read this post today OP but one thing that stood out to me in your replies is that you are trying to make decisions very quickly about the future and that's causing you a lot of worry. I think maybe you need to stop thinking so far ahead and be more in the moment. Feel how you feel now and don't put pressure on yourself to know if you can forgive or split up etc. It's never going to be simple so maybe try really hard to focus on getting through each day and see where you get to in a month, two months, three months. I don't know if that makes sense or is good advice but it's how I would try to be in your shoes I think.

I'm so sorry OP

But re the gossip - people will be shocked and surprised and disappointed - AT HIM.

I bet you nearly every one of the women who were invited will secretly be thinking what a hero you are. Apart from his mum.

OP one thing I would not do for the next few weeks is meet his mum - she wants the best for her son and for herself which is that you two stay together. She is not on your side. She is trying emotional blackmail on you. Really you need to stay far away from him and his family and come to terms with what you want.

I agree with this last post, definitely - very occasionally the MIL does side more with the DIL than her son when he's done the dirty (I know of one case in RL - one) but nearly always there's an agenda and she's going to be trying to get her son a good outcome.

It doesn't mean you can never see her - you just need a break from her and your cheating partner while you work out what to do from now forward.

I can't throw it away that easily. I know he risked it all

@sirmione16 I say this with respect (and as someone who made the same mistake when my OH cheated) but you are making the classic faithful partner mistake of thinking that he values your relationship as much as you do. He does not, sadly his actions have shown this. It is something that a lot of cheated on partners do, trying to figure out how could he /she have cheated, trying to minimise or make excuses for it, remembering the "good" times, you need to find your anger here, your anger that this man cheated on the mother of his baby, that he was willing to hurt you both, hurt your new family to get his end away.

You need time away from him and his family, they all want you to just forget and go back to the comfortable status quo, people don't like change and that includes cheaters, they rarely change.

I think it's a little bit unfair to say that mil is only interested in a good outcome for her son. My dad isn't married but recently split from his girlfriend (no cheating on either side). I was and am genuinely upset about it and concerned for her wellbeing as well as my son's. I really do care for her independently of my son and want her to be happy.
If my son did this I would honestly be heartbroken and would want a good outcome for her even if it wasn't with my son.

Well done you for cancelling the wedding.

Like you, I found out my partner cheated on me 4/5 weeks before the wedding. He'd been cheating for about 18 months previously. I went ahead with the wedding for all the wrong reasons. He continued to cheat. The marriage lasted 20 months.

Don't look back.

Take care @sirmione16
Please do keep posting. If you feel you need a break to refocus that’s fine, but hopefully you’ll continue to find support here, whatever you decide

Do stick to the no contact, Sirmione

Oh OP. You poor thing..I know he says no sex, but he’s probably lying. Get yourself an STI check as soon as possible. Just for your own peace of mind.

You are doing the right thing. He sounds “sorry he was caught” rather than sorry he did it.

This is the reaction I'm dreading. People thinking I'm stupid for trying

If you get a reaction it's not because people think you are stupid, but because you are normal.

People who answer have probably felt the same, tried and know what the outcome was for them.

I felt exactly the same as you, I wanted to know for sure and I wanted to know I had given it my all.

My ex tried really hard to make things better...for 2 weeks. After that, while trying to make things better he'd meet up with someone from work, who was having couples therapy with her own husband, for "support".

I have since remarried and so regret the time I wasted with my ex, I wish I had restarted my life sooner. Had I known the future I wouldn't have shed a tear, I suppose that's why I wanted to post, so you can have a glimpse of what the future can be.
I wish you luck