Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

Where is your anger? You seem to mainly be sad, and you should be fucking furious! You’ve posted lots about how he was feeling, how sad he is, how sorry he is. Well of course he is, sorry for himself, sad for himself. He’s realised he’s fucked up and someone has taken his cake away. Has he acknowledged just how deeply he has hurt you? What he has put you through? Get angry OP and make sure you don’t spare his feelings when you tell him just how hurt you are. If not he’ll want to sweep this all under be carpet as fast as possible and ‘move on’. If you do stay together, in a month or two you’ll still be reeling and feeling sad and upset and finding it hard to trust and he’ll be getting annoyed that ‘you’re bringing it all up again, can’t you just move on?’. He needs to own the pain his actions have caused you and be truly truly sorry for that, not just sorry for how he’s hurt himself, if you’re going to have any chance.

OP when I read your OP I was cheering you on like mad you are totally mighty well done for bringing consequences down on him. I'm sure all your guests are in awe of your awesomeness!

As others have said,don't falter now he's shown you what his values are and who he is. Don't settle for that just to make the fear and grief go away, I did. I forgave him and went ahead with the wedding. Five years later when we had a small baby I found out it was still going on!

Biggest mistake of my life and it's always painful to see others making the same mistake. Do everything you can to protect yourself in this situation. No rash decisions. Put some time and space in between you as a buffer. You control the timetable not him. He does counseling, you do separate counseling. As a pp said, read www.chumplady.com and get angry. Be strong. Keep posting.

Stay strong OP. Listen to the sound advice here from people who have lived through similar circumstances to you. They don't change. THEY DON'T CHANGE.

@ChuckleBuckles ou are making the classic faithful partner mistake of thinking that he values your relationship as much as you do*

This hit home for me. It's absolutely true. But it's so hard to let go of what I viewed as the perfect life for me. It's hard to change that opinion of him immediately.

@linoleum Where is your anger? You seem to mainly be sad, and you should be fucking furious
I was when I first found the messages, but since I can't feel angry at him. I just don't. I don't even hate him. Sadness is all I feel, I can't feel angry. I just feel let down and disappointed, and grieving. I don't know.

@SomeonesRealName protect yourself in this situation
This is the thing holding me back from letting him back in my life just yet. I feel I'm strong enough and independent, and supported enough, to move on. I also feel like I don't WANT to let any man do this to me and get away with it. But also I feel like I'd be giving up on my family unit, that everyone deserves a chance at least.

Are you doing the no contact?

You've totally done the right thing. Normal people don't go out and shag other people everytime they feel stressed.
This man is not good enough for you or your child, you both deserve better.
And he has learned a valuable lesson.

I can't put into words how much this thread has helped me. Being horribly honest, i may have let him back by now if it weren't for these replies, they're giving me the shake I need when I give in

I feel today like he's not fighting. I feel he's trying, yes, but not fighting. I'm not getting any messages about how much he loves me etc or how he misses me. In fact, he hasn't said that at all. Certainly food for thought. Right now, I think I'd give it a month and he'd give up. Maybe he'll prove me wrong and then I'd consider something more seriously, but we'll see.

I'm off out today with some friends. Baby's with my mum, I'm going to have a large glass of wine with lunch.

I've also contacted the solicitors and asked them to find our agreement on the house purchase (he had a property before this one so it won't be a 50/50 split) so I know where I stand financially. Have started saving harder too, give myself something to fall back on. Feels horrible to say "if we sell" this was my dream family home, we've done so much on it and I truly saw myself here for years. I can't believe he's thrown that away.

@category12 he's text to ask how the baby is, said he hope I sleep well/slept well and wishing me a good day. But no real conversations, I haven't replied unless needed (so not to "hope you have a good day" for example)

Well there you go.

He’s stopped making an effort because he feels like hoovering should be enough.

It won’t be long before he starts getting arsey because he thinks it’s not that bad, or you’re carrying it on. That you should just get over it. That he didn’t fuck her and it’s not that big a deal.

Then it’ll be YOU who’s not fighting and YOU who’s throwing it all away!

Do yourself a favour. Leave it for the whole month. Hard as it will be at times, don’t give him any indication that you’re considering it.

Don’t tell him it’s because he hasn’t said he loves you and misses you. Don’t give him any help or pointers. Leave it the whole month. See what happens.

And I don’t want to be hurtful. But if he loved you and missed you, he would have told you that. I’m sorry.

Go out, have your wine, and remember how fucking brilliant you are and how much you deserve!

He doesn’t think has to do anything else. He’s cried , told you he was depressed , it meant nothing!! What more do you need?? he’s just waiting for you to feel sorry for him now and go back to how it was. Seriously he’s done what he thinks he needs to get you back in line. Yeah he’s cancelled the wedding but that’s just a party to him. Do get an STI check for your own sanity.

Enjoy your wine and tell your friends exactly what he’s done and how you feel.

I understand, I really and truly do , you don’t want to give up on that dream ...
but it wasn’t real for him and you need to let it go ..
He’s already minimising his behaviour..,
He won’t change - please don’t ever go back ... you’ll have a life of insecurity and underlying sadness .., eventually resentment
The life you thought you would have is just not available now .

I’m so sorry and I remember the early distress in my similar situation..

In fact a friend asked me last night about how I was feeling...
I was honest...

I’m embarrassed to admit that I still have feelings for him ( but hey I’m human not a machine ) however I can live with those powerful feelings and sparks and each day I get busier with other things.l and think of him less ..
I’ll probably take those feelings to the grave but I’ve ( reluctantly) accepted and made peace with that .
Those feelings are what they are , a part of me , but they don’t hurt me ..

What would hurt me and be detrimental to my mental health and well-being is to have carried on with him always wondering what was lies and what was true ... the betrayal cut me so deep . I’ll never be the person I was before .

I’ll live my life with peace of mind and I’ve gone completely no contact.
It’s the only way .

You have a child so there will be some contact. I suggest you keep it minimal and civil for the sake of your child but limit comma to matters relating to your DC.

Anyway I wish you the best of luck .

It’s an incredibly difficult journey with a rollercoaster of emotions that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Take strength and support from your family and friends.. you need them right now .
People you can rely on

The man you were about to marry, the man you had a child with and who you thought you shared the same aims in life and shared the same belief system - he's the man who shagged someone else on your hen do, who stood back while you cancelled your wedding and who hasn't told you that he loves you or that he misses you. He's the same man. Whether he's the man you want to spend the rest of your life with is your choice - but don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy, and don't imagine he's learnt to never treat you like this again - because he might. And do you want to spend your life waiting for the next time this happens?

But if he loved you and missed you, he would have told you that. I’m sorry.

I believe this also. In fact, it's proving to me he doesn't. I'm not giving him any hints to this. I nearly did last night, I nearly text him it first but I stopped myself because it felt pathetic

Stay strong, @sirmione16 ... you enjoy that wine!

Cancelling suppliers/ vendors myself has resulted in my bank details being given for refunds for some though so that's a plus. I'm keeping them as a nest egg

Sirmione - after my ex-fiancé left, I went through similar feelings of whether or not I'd take him back if he came back. Started off around 90% I would (just to stop the pain) but steadily dropped over the weeks and months - by 6m, it was not even 50% and by the end of the first year it was No Fucking Chance.

It's a process - it wasn't linear - some days I'd feel like I would, other days I'd be livid all over again and think No Way.

I ended up having personal counselling at work because I was permanently angry with anything and everything - and the best thing the counsellor said to me, about why everything fell apart, was that he simply didn't love me enough. It wasn't anything to do with my behaviour, or who I was - he just Didn't Love Me Enough.

And that is probably exactly the same for your "partner" - he just didn't love you enough to NOT betray you, his own wants were more important to him.

That's a bit of a sucker punch to the gut as well (or at least it was to me) but it makes it a lot easier in some ways to let things go.

Have a look at how Marina Wheelers marriage went after she forgave Boris Johnson over and over again. No doubt she will be ok, she's a very intelligent woman but what a waste of emotional energy on someone who was never going to change one iota. How much emotional energy will you waste on him, energy that could instead by focussed on yourself and your child.

Don’t take him back!

The baby's just so little and won't remember us together. He won't know how much we were in love, he won't know how well we worked for those years, how much we supported each other. We would've been such an amazing team. I'm from a broken marriage and I so didn't want that for my children, I thought he was so right. I feel so stupid

My son was under a year when we split so he has no memories of me being with his father and I'm so glad I found out when I did about the affair so he didn't have to experience his world being torn apart a few years later. He has a good relationship with both of us and that's his normal, he's a very happy child. I have a new family unit and my DH is a great stepfather.

Sirmione - you have absolutely no reason to feel stupid. This is NOT your fault. It never was. This is all him. HE has let you down, he's let his son down and he's let himself down - this is on HIM. He's the stupid one.

@sirmione16 you're not stupid, there are so many posts on here from women (and the occasional man) who were blindsided by their partner's duplicitousness and didn't believe it possible

You are not stupid. He’s the one who ruined it, not you. He broke it and you seem to feel responsible for fixing it. Why should you fix what you didn’t break in the first place? You aren’t stupid for putting your trust in somebody that you had a baby with! That’s normal. That’s the way life should be. What’s not normal is him. His behaviour is beyond abnormal. Who does that to somebody who has just had a baby? A disgusting weirdo. That’s who. Don’t feel stupid. Feel relieved that you’ve seen his true colours before you’ve wasted anymore life on him. You now have a second chance to find somebody who truly adores you. And you will. Because you’re a lovely person. All of my friends who are single mums who have been cheated on and dumped their cheaters have gone on to find happiness. Every single one. They have all risen like Phoenix from the flames. You are better than him. You are stronger than him. You know you don’t want this hanging over you for the rest of your life. Ok, you no longer have the traditional family set up that you wanted. You now go make lemonade from lemons. You make it better for your boy by standing up for what’s right. Not being treated like an after thought. Having self respect and coming out fighting like a goddam dragon. Do not let this man break you. You can do this. So many men out there. So so many...he really isn’t worth even pissing on after what he’s done to you. Write down a list of what you want from your life. You CAN do this

The baby is four months old and three months ago he started distancing himself from you so he could shag this woman. So you know that the maximum amount of time he can cope with not being the centre of your attention is FOUR WEEKS, and that when you've just become parents for the first time, which for most people is exhausting but exciting and involving.

Would you ever dare have another baby with him if you took him back?