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Original poster

Pregnant and did something insane

279 replies

ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 21:58

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Shequakes · 08/06/2019 12:30

Terrible short term pain for him - maybe long term - but otherwise it’s a lifetime sentence for me

This sums up the ops attitude.

sheshootssheimplores some people are. However there seems to be a large amount of women behaving poorly and blaming hormones.

Women who pregnancy several impacts to the point they cabt be responsible for their behaviour seem to be in huge amounts on mn.

It's the same with pregnancies. The majority of pregnancies (obviously discounting the TTC boards) where the relationship isnt great, claim their pregnancies are an 'accident'. The amount of accidental pregnancies is huge, on mn, as well.

Anything that paints women in a poor light is waved off. Yet if someone asked a woman acting out, in real life, if she was hormonal wound be ripped to shreds.

DrowsyDragon · 08/06/2019 12:43

I think the knowledge of infidelity is a life sentence for who ever knows. I do think you need to face the possibility that you have alleviated your lifetime burden at possibly the cost giving him one. I wish for all three of your sakes you had been able to make the decision to tell him from a rational rather than an emotional perspective.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/06/2019 13:23

All the people hammering op, you have no idea what ops partner had of hasn't done during their entire relationship. Infidelity is very common, especially among younger adults and especially early on relationships. Just because he isn't vomiting out confessions in a hormone/pregnancy induced state of craziness, doesn't mean there's nothing at all on his side. The presumption of total innocence on his part may be unrealistic.

Shequakes · 08/06/2019 13:31

Moralitym1n1 what the actual fuck?

You presume he probably cheated anyway so all this is fine.

Or maybe, just maybe, he hasnt cheated at all and is just a normal decent bloke.

How on earther can you presume he must had cheated because he was young once

Of course you presume someone has cheated unless told otherwise.

crestar · 08/06/2019 13:32

I hadn’t even slept with DP when I slept with the first guy, as I said we had only been on a few dates. Don’t talk to me like I’m some serial shagger when I had a ONS whilst still at uni!!!

Yet probably wouldn't sleep with her DP at this stage in her relationship with him because she 'wasn't read yet'

BatShite · 08/06/2019 13:37

Oh, how the irony would have been if he added on - "And don't worry about it now because the early stages of our relationship, I slept with quite a few women as well"

I wouldn't have been that surprised at all. Was hald imagining him replying with some sort of secret of his own, but all I got out of him was 'no big deal' and jokes, where I had kind of convinced myself I deserved hellfire to rain down on me by that stage!

Mythreefavouritethings · 08/06/2019 13:40

Ha, brilliant. I love how as women we can use pregnancy as an excuse and now Moralitym adds that basically if in doubt, there will probably be something on his side by virtue of being male. You couldn’t make it up!

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2019 14:02

I was an emotional wreck during both pregnancies

I'm sorry you had mental health issues during your pregnancy, but we should not be giving the message that pregnancy hormones make us mentally ill. Nor periods. As you see that on here too a lot.

If you're mentally unwell during your pregnancy then there is an underlying cause, to pretend that in general women become mentally ill for no other reason that due to pregnancy hormones is absolutely awful and really not the case. It does women a huge disservice.

The overwhelming majority of women do not become mentally ill and mentally unstable, due to pregnancy hormones.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 14:07

@crestar - nothing to do with ‘not being ready’ it just hadn’t happened after 3 dates. The other guy happened after a night out in which I was paralytic. Not proud of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 14:09

Also I’m not saying pregnancy has driven me insane - I said I always had underlying anxiety issues and it’s the sense that this is a new chapter of our life that I would like to go into open and honestly. To the “bit late now 😂” brigade - yes, I should have done it in the beginning, and made a mistake in not doing so, which I am now trying to remedy

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 08/06/2019 14:11

But the point is OP that you decided to do something, in this case twice, and then to tell your boyfriend about it. How he reacts to that information is now up to him.

Maybe, in time, he will be able to get over it. Maybe he won't. Neither reaction is wrong and is the chance you took when you decided to sleep with two other men and then tell him now.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 14:14

@decomposingposers yes I absolutely know it’s his choice! I know this is awful to hear. I’m still allowed to be upset though

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/06/2019 14:14

It's not a "mistake" to sleep with two other people nor is it a "mistake" not to tell a partner about it for four years. All were deliberate acts.

I'd find a partner cheating unforgivable but not even raking responsibility and saying it was all just mistakes even worse on top.

Loopytiles · 08/06/2019 14:16

Telling him was not remedying a mistake (in not telling him before). It was prioritising your feelings, again.

Loopytiles · 08/06/2019 14:17

Of course you’re allowed to be upset. But if he ends your relationship over it, now or in a year’s time, it would be unreasonable to be angry with him for doing so.

CroissantwithCheese · 08/06/2019 14:26

OP was being honest. Yes it was bad timing, but being honest is better than burying it. Give him time to get used to everything. If i were you, and wanted to keep the baby, then I'd be prepared to go it alone if he decided to leave. He's the dad, its not like the ONS caused the pregnancy. Maybe he has some skeletons of his own he'd like to let out now. And youre not trapping him. if you wanted to do that why wouldnt you have done it earlier. Both of you need to process and get over it, let it make you stronger, and get ready for sleepless nights :)

DecomposingComposers · 08/06/2019 14:30

Well, yes, you can be upset.

But if you want to try to repair your relationship then I think you have to put your feelings to one side. You have to take responsibility for your actions, rather than minimising them, you need to listen to your partner and what he needs and you need to consider what it is he needs from you in order to move forward, if he can.

If you want the relationship to survive I honestly think you have to put his needs first for now. Give him space if he needs it. Don't push this because you need it to be over and done with. You've had 4 years to deal with this, he has only just found out.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 14:35

@decomposingposers OK, thankyou

OP posts:
burnyburny · 08/06/2019 15:11

It's been 48 hours since you told him. Have you spoken about it at all since?

Original poster
ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 15:54

He has said he understands why I told him and understands that I was a different person back then, but that he’s also annoyed at why I felt like I had to bring it up. But hopefully it explains why I’ve been in floods of tears sporadically for so long.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 08/06/2019 16:06

But hopefully it explains why I’ve been in floods of tears sporadically for so long.

again... ALL about you Hmm

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2019 16:07

Op i wasn't commenting to you on the pregnancy thing, more to the posters urging you to tell him it was because of pregnancy hormones.

No it doesn't explain why you're in floods of tears for so long, you do need to seek some medical help here. There is nothing to be ashamed of when suffering mental illness. But it is incumbent on you to do something about it, to seek help for it.

I also don't think uou did anything hugely wrong, you were hardly with him when you slept with the other guys and it was a long time ago. I am with him in why you needed to tell him. It was four years ago. To be consistently in floods of Tears about it now isn't right, you need to get help. For anxiety, depression, whatever the issue is that is causing your behaviour and moods.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 17:10

@bumblebeee69 yes it’s about me love as it’s my flipping post. God help anyone who ever turns to you for support.

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 08/06/2019 17:12

Tbh I’d rather have Bumblebee’s honesty over self-pitying selfishness any day.

Moominfan · 08/06/2019 17:16

Wow just wow.

If a bloke came on here all guilt and sympathy.... pregnant wife cheated on her twice. You've told him years down line and now your pregnant. If he'd known sooner it'd be a lot easier to walk away. Bumble bee is straight to point and sees it. Could say a lot more but I doubt it would even register with you op.