Pregnant and did something insane

[ohlordielord]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

I can be as "robust" as any poster and I am absolutely not supportive of cheating as anyone who's seen my posts on the subject will know.

But my god the level of vicious personal attacks on this thread are an absolute Fucking disgrace!!

Op you haven't handled things in the most ideal way, I think it would have been better if you'd posted before telling him at such an emotional time for you both to get some advice, but hindsight is perfect vision.

You can only deal with the situation as it is now.

Give your man space to work through his feelings on everything and decide how he sandy to discuss with you or wishes to proceed regarding the relationship and potentially the pregnancy. Be prepared for questions and his trust in you to be severely affected, not so much from what you did more the not telling him for so long. I'll be perfectly honest I think you need to be prepared for him to wonder if the reason you've told him now is because you're unsure of the paternity of the baby. Which all you can do there is reassure as much as possible and be willing for DNA testing to be done at some stage.

Other than that support him in getting support from elsewhere if he wants to. It's a lot for him to think about.

And contact whoever is in place to support you with the anxiety and pregnancy, spend time thinking yourself if you want to continue the pregnancy depending on how things pan out.

Really shocking that this is the 2nd thread in 24 hours where there's been an absolutely shockingly nasty pile on to the op! I know mn isn't moderated heavily but there are some things that are just unacceptable.

OP remember that for him this will feel like you cheated on him last week not 4 years ago. The ball is in his court. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and learn from your mistakes.

For fucking once women should take responsability for their actions.

@dustarr73, you come out with this shite a lot. You have some weird hatred of your own sex. You have 10 sons and think all women are going to 'trap' them with a pregnancy or accuse them of rape.

You give me the creeps.

@SprintingStreaker Eh no,i dont have a hatred for my own sex.What a weird thing to say.Just because i have a different opinion to you.And women should take responsability for their own crap. that they do.

I have very black and white views on some subjects.Thats the way i am.I dont have double standards like a lot on MN.And i dont give a fuck if you find it creepy.I dont give a shite

For fucking once women should take responsability for their actions.

I do agree with this to a certain degree. There are a significant number of posters recently that seem to excuse women of any wrong doing.

In the last couple of weeks I have seen hormones blamed for appalling behaviour from women (but then if anyone questioned a woman behaviour or judgement and queried if it was hormones there would be hell raised).

Women who have affairs, told it's because their husbands are shits or the OM has manipulated them.

Even a poster whose mother had a 2 year affair with a married man, while married herself and then abused the child that as born of this affair (the op) their entire life, had their mother called a 'victim' of the married man.

I don't think it's all mumsnet posters but a good number try to deflect any blame away from women. While they may feel they are just sticking up for their sexual. They are actually just making women the equivalent of children who dont posses full maturity or intelligence to make their own decisions.

Funny, because if anyone hinted a cheating man had been manipulated by the OW there would be uproar.

Even on this thread, someone said ops behaviour wasnt that bad and no one should feel sorry for the man, because he has probably cheated too. No evidence of that. So doesnt really matter what the OP has done, its not that bad cause he has probably done it too.

For fucking once women should take responsability for their actions.

I absolutely agree in the context of MN. I’ve seen so many threads where women do the most atrocious things that men would be crucified for while women will contort themselves with impressively gymnastic thinking to try and excuse the shittiest behaviour if it has come from a woman. It’s appalling. Telling a new boyfriend you are now exclusive and will only see one another, and then fucking someone else, and then hiding it for four years leading him to believe the relationship was exclusive since their discussion, and then finally choosing this moment to tell him of the infidelity (when he now has a tie to the OP) is disgusting behaviour and while I totally understand people have different views and lines in the sand around what they’ll accept from a partner, she’s been dishonest and cruel and untrustworthy whichever way you slice it.

Excusing the behaviour due to age is ridiculous. At 21 you know it's wrong to cheat, it's very simple.

If I were him I'd be wondering why the sudden need to own up now and blame on anxiety. My mind would wonder if it was just to replace something else? If it were my son I'd have grave doubts over the unplanned pregnancy and would wonder if it was only unplanned by one party.

For fucking once women should take responsability for their actions.

Could not agree more. Done a shitty then waited until pregnant to own up. Poor guy. I hope he runs for the hills. Can't see how this can pan out with a newborn in tow

You have 10 sons

Holy fk luv, do you want me to post you some condoms?

I don't often see posts defending women for cheating. Most often people say 'you have to stop this' or 'this will end badly.' I don't sense a lot of respect & understanding for women who have affairs

@Moralitym1n1

You have 10 sons

No i dont,

Holy fk luv, do you want me to post you some condoms?

God no,keep them for yourself

God no,keep them for yourself

Don't use them anymore, thanks.

How on earth did the poster come to think you have 10 sons?

Anyway, interesting that you apparently used the word " women" -some women, perhaps.

But in my experience and observation, it isn't women who need to take responsibility.

@Moralitym1n1 I have 5 sons and i think that poster done it for comedic effect

All for the same man i should add,before anything else gets thrown at me.

Whilst I understand why some people would think there are double standards on MN- some people have been called cheating arse holes for one drunken kiss or a few texts, which imo is really OTT- I don't think OP is getting more sympathy because she is a woman. She is, however, being cut some slack because she is pregnant. You may disagree and say that it doesn't excuse what she did - the ONS and the I'll-timed confession--but on this occasion I don't think it's a case of women getting it easier than men.

it isn't women who need to take responsibility.

So whenever a woman does anything wrong it's someone else's fault.

Or women dont do anything wrong?

Or they do and dint have to take responsibility, becausevtheir Male partner has probably done something just as bad or worse?

Scarlettmaid have you ever heard a man who cheated or then really hurt their partner told 'you sound lovley'

Especially after saying 'but what about me?'

Again... Could be the comment of someone who wants to go easy on a pregnant woman. Look, I am not saying it's right or fair. I have seen some men being ripped to pieces, some women too actually, for a lot less than what the OP describes.

You are sweet and lovely. You're not a different person. You made a mistake.

Come on! Imagine if a woman posted on here that shortly after she told her partner she was pregnant, he told her he'd cheated on here years ago. If she posted, "I thought he was sweet and lovely and it turns out he wasn't", how would people reply? Would anyone really say, "He IS sweet and lovely. He made a mistake, that's all"?

I don't think it's all mumsnet posters but a good number try to deflect any blame away from women. While they may feel they are just sticking up for their sexual. They are actually just making women the equivalent of children who dont posses full maturity or intelligence to make their own decisions.

I agree with this. There was a thread a while ago from a married woman who had just been dumped by her affair partner. Her husband was worried about her because she kept crying, oblivious to the fact that her tears were for another man. Some posters said the other man was a bastard for dumping her, but jumped on any posters who were "judgy" enough to suggest she was in the wrong! Just - WTF? How is ending a fling worse than cheating on your spouse? It makes no sense.

Just wanted to come back and explain myself a bit to those who have torn into me. I have been painted as some sociopathic character who after a wild night of passion with another man then deliberately got pregnant with my boyfriend only to clutch my stomach in glee and tell him all about it whilst saying ‘stay with me or else!’ and I just want to correct this.

At 21 many people are in committed relationships, some are even married with children and holding down jobs. I do get that. However I personally wasn’t this developed at 21. I was going out loads, taking a lot of drugs and drinking as many do at uni. Not at all like this now - in fact I’ve been completely sober for 2 years, haven’t had even a sip of booze. But that was who I was back then. When I met my DP I also had rock bottom self esteem having been raped a year previously after my drink was spiked - before anyone says I’m saying this to make them feel sorry for me or disgusting for using rape as an excuse for cheating, I’m just trying to give background as to my state of mind st the time. The assault really killed my sense of self worth and I slept around a lot after it - of course this was the worst way of dealing with it, I see that now but didn’t at the time. This is the person I was when I met DP, I never saw us having a long term relationship, I just saw him as another in a long line of uni flings. When I cheated I was not in the honeymoon stage with DP, that came much later as did saying I love you.
The guy I cheated on him with was not some raunchy fling - he was a ‘friend’ from back home. The sex was vile and not at all pleasurable for me, something I let happen due to a long habit of being ‘easy’

Anyway since then, I like to think I’ve grown very much as a person and developed much better boundaries. From time to time I have thought of this however and have experienced it as a sort of emotional barrier between me and DP as I have experienced it as a terrible secret that renders everything with DP inauthentic. For whatever reason finding out I was pregnant bought it all to the surface. I really felt a clean slate going forward was needed given how tough motherhood can be emotionally (my sister had post partum psychosis and I worry this may be in the cards for me too). I admit timing to bring this up is shit but my intention was certainly not to calculatedly ‘trap’ him.

So what's happening?

Op I hope you both manage to work through it.

The pregnancy is a wonderful but high time of stress for you both.

It’s alot for him to take in and he may be able to forgive he may not, but i do hope the outcome is the best one possible for you both.

I am sorry you had a rough time and was raped in the past, and this defno had a effect on your self worth and self respect which no doubt resulted in the first case.

The second time perhaps makes it worse, your issues are not going to disappear and I would be worried that if you can do it twice you could do it again...( if it was me... but that comes from a place of my ex fiancé having a bit of a sexual addiction and being very much a cheat)

Absolute credit to you for coming clean, and anxiety is a cruel master which made you pick a bad time but I can understand it doesn’t shut up ever does it? It is an awful feeling.

Would you abort the baby if he doesn’t want to stay with you because circumstances require it or you don’t feel worthy? Because your mistakes with your partner don’t mean you won’t make a amazing mummy x x

You don’t owe people on an Internet forum an explanation, the thread has spiraled and has gotten pretty nasty. What you did wasn’t the end of the world, timing was a bit shit I was worried my trauma plus my sister having post natal psychosis would mean I would have it too (that’s the research) but I was totally fine, please don’t worry on this just keep an eye. Same as you loads came to a head when I was pregnant, it’s the hormones, be gentle on yourself. Therapy was useful for me too but honestly after I was pregnant, working through trauma isn’t needed on top of everything else. Just go easy on yourself and try to explain all this to your husband.

Oh lord did your partner know you had previously been raped?
It’s a terrible experience to have to live with.
I’m wondering if your self sabotaging your relationship and on some level want to push him away.

@ohlordielord. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
You shouldn't have had to justify yourself. You came here for support and, IMHO, that's what you should have got here, rather than a load of judgemental, self-righteous twattery.

Anyway... I suspect you need to break this down into what you have to do now (largely, look after yourself and be kind to yourself, including finding someone IRL to support you), and how you feel about the initial actions and the recent telling of your DP. We all do things we regret. And, as it happens, you were very young, and what you did was far from the worst people do so each other.
Please try to cut yourself some slack, and speak to someone. And don't feel you have to justify in response to a load of idiotic and oversimplistic internet posts. All the very best to you