Pregnant and did something insane

[ohlordielord]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

@mustardscreams but I have been honest and been slated for it

You’ve been honest to clear your guilt. Now let your partner have time to work through this, as would be fair if this was the other wAy round. This isn’t about honour and doing the right thing, you felt bad and put it over to him.

You've only been honest to clear your guilt. The cynic in me would wonder why now and why not at the time if you thought it was really no big deal.

It seems all about you still, you being upset etc. He's the one that's been betrayed and lied too.

Even now after great advice it's all about you and your fucking feelings. I had almost hoped you may see sense and try to be understanding to him.

You don't deserve any sympathy, you may have had some if your attitude was different but nope, you deserve none. Even then you've been left off lightly as the double standard lot tried to find justifications for your attitude, because had you been a man you would have had your arse handed to you over and over again.

Honestly, I almost wish this partner of yours says it's over and finds someone better for himself.

Good luck to him if he sticks with you.

He's been lied to, it would not be unusual for him to now wonder what else you may have lied about. Yet it's still all oh woe is me.

I think if you are a naturally anxious person then pregnancy hormones can definitely elevate that. On pregnancy two after three miscarriages I was so anxious the baby was going to die I sobbed all over the consultant every time. She was wonderful with me thankfully, no criticism, only understanding.

Weeping because you feel guilty about your past actions, but not telling your partner why, then telling them is manipulative behaviour.

Hi OP!

Don't mention anything about terminating the pregnancy 'if that's what he wants'. It's a rather bizarre thought to of had. You want the baby, from what I can understand he wants the baby. SO why even think of terminating if he wants to walk away unless you're truly terrified of being a single mom. (I know you probably didn't mean it but it did come across as emotional blackmail, and he'll see it like that as well)

How do you feel now? Does the guilt and anxiety seem to of lifted a bit? Genuinely curious because that's why you told DP in the first place, if not like a pp said before there could be other issues going on you aren't aware of.

You've had a lot of responses on here and yeah 98% aren't very nice, but what everyone seems to agree with is that it's down to your DP now on what happens next. Remember that.

He may likely say some horrible things (is the baby mine? Who else has there been?) But understand he'll be trying to figure out what was real and not during your 4 year relationship and if you've kept other things from him.

Anxiety and mental health is only going to get you so far, please stop playing the martyr. You did something wrong that he has to deal with, we've all mad mistakes. Some big, some small. It's up to him as to how he sees these mistakes, please don't keep changing your story when he sits down with you to ask all the facts. You did sleep with 2 guys, you did keep this buried for a long time. Don't try to minimise things to him. Just stay calm, be honest with him and expect whatever repercussions are coming.

I do hope you two work things through and move forward and enjoy this pregnancy.

Oh fuck sake people really need to get a grip.

The first one doesn't even count as cheating you hadn't even slept together and weren't exclusive. The second one 21 in uni very early stages of a relationship I cant get worked up about. Really who hasn't made less than ideal choices at 21!

It is in no way comparable to a long term relationship or marriage.

I understand why you did it, the seriousness of the commitment you both are about to make bringing a child into the world. I probably wouldn't have though, he will judging your actions by the relationship you have now and that's difficult.

Anxiety is the absolute pits and you need to get some support to manage it. Maybe also think about some relationship counselling to help you both.

but I have been honest and been slated for it

No, you cheated twice then were dishonest about that for 4 years!

The time for honesty was immediately, not 4 years down the line when you've trapped him into a pregnancy with you. That's highly manipulative.

Actually @MommaToBe2020 for your NASTY and uncalled for post it isnt infantilise 21 year olds. The brain is still considered to be in adolescence development stage until you are 25.

Your dont use the same parts of your brain in terms of decision making and reasoning as an fully developed adult brain.

So it is entirely possible that young adults are still making piss poor decisions in comparison to their 30 year old self.

By the way I have reported your personal attack. She didnt "cheat" on you so really get over yourself

Yes, i’m well aware of ‘half baked syndrome’. It doesn’t absolve people from the responsibility for their actions or mean younger people get off scot free from their poor decisions, hence why our justice system doesn’t suddenly start convicting at 25. It’s not quite as black and white as you seem to think. I’m guessing there’s a lot you’d excuse from people age 24 and under if you see it in that way.

And yes, I’m not the partner in question. Well spotted Sherlock 😂

I have always been so frustrated by the double standards of this forum.

If a bloke came on here saying hed just found out his OH was pregnant and so told her that hed cheated twice years ago, people would RIP him to absolute shreds, worse than this. However I do think people have got a bit too caught up in the double standards rather than the OP.

OP you have fucked up ridiculously but you have hopefully realised that. All you can do now is improve or consider your behaviour moving forward, take ownership and responsibility of your actions and show your OH how sorry you are.
The cheating probably is the smaller part of this, the lieing and deception is more of it, and the timing of the confession. Whilst you've woken up to the consequences of your actions, you need to see it from his point of view and see if he wants to work it out. Dont make silly statements about the baby like a bargaining tool.

I have no idea if itll work out but I do think that whilst some of these replies are harshly put, they're probably the thoughts that are going through your OH's head. Use them to realise what hes going through. Your upset because you are dealing with the consequences of your own actions. He is dealing with the consequences of something he has had no control over.
Change your focus

I would think the exact same if my dh decided to tell me he had a ONS while we in uni after a few dates and not even having slept together.

In fact I would look at him like he had lost the plot for deciding to tell me. So it isnt double standards.

Your right I dont judge a 21 year old the same as I would a 41 year old. Maturity and life skills are completely.

Maybe83

Would you really just shrug it off if your husband said this to you? Would it not make you question what else he might have lied about?

I don't know how I would feel if my dh told me news like this. I've always thought that a ONS, that he was truly sorry for, would be easier to deal with than a long term emotional affairs, but until I actually experience it I won't really know.

What would absolutely devastate me, in both instances, would be the deception because I would doubt every single other thing he'd told me.

That's the problem with liars I find. You never quite know when they are telling the truth.

OP says on the very first page

we were exclusive

If you would shrug off someone agreeing to be exclusive with you and then secretly banging someone else and lying about it for four years I’d say you’re very much the outlier. They weren’t just casually dating. They’d had a discussion and decided to only be with one another. And after that discussion OP decided to fuck someone else. Awful liar, it’s a massive betrayal and I don’t think her partner can trust her.

Yes I really would. There is a very big difference in very casual dating at 21 and being in a serious and committed relationship.

I wouldn't see it as lying because I wouldn't have expected to be told if he had slept with someone else if we had gone on a couple of dates and hadn't even slept together!.

The second one it would depend, how serious were we did I think we were fully committed and were we actively making plans for the future.

People are making out she has committed a murder. I wouldn't have said a thing and to be honest I wouldn't expect my dh to either if it was him.

It only means you are thinking of it as a betrayal in context of your current relationship and it just isnt the same thing.

It only means you are thinking of it as a betrayal in context of your current relationship and it just isnt the same thing.

Well no. Lots of people would consider cheating to be cheating regardless of when it occurs.

And yes, I would view it in terms of my current relationship if that's when it was brought up.

Ultimately this isn't about how you or I would react. It's about the boyfriend, how he feels and I guess where his red lines are.

I’ve read this thread from start to finish and I have to say I agree with 100% of the very honest responses you’ve had OP! You cheated twice and didn’t say anything for 4 years... and then threw the truth out at the same time you told him he was going to be a dad! As a woman do you really not think it is impossible that he is now thinking the baby is not his and that you cannot be trusted.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and we are expecting our 2nd child together.. I love him more than anything in this world and I would never hurt him.. we met on tinder and when we first started “dating” I was having issues with an ex who hung around like a bad smell.. I did not sleep with him but we did kiss on the train on the way back home from work but I told my DP straight away, he laughed it off and said we weren’t exclusive but he did really like me and he was pleased I told him... I ended up having a break from my DP a few weeks after this as I could tell I could really love him and it could be something but I was concerned about getting hurt and concerned about hurting him as I needed to sort things with out my ex for good. We got back together 3 months and we were exclusive from day 1 of that as I considered us getting in contact with each other again as a promise that we did not want other people.. my ex did push contact for about a month and he kissed me when he had cornered me at the station telling me how I didn’t want anyone but him but I told my DP straight away and I blocked him on every possible contact route. My DP trusted that I would always be overly honest with him but would never hurt him.

However you seem to not care about your partners feelings at all.. you’ve barely mentioned him and how you think he might be feeling.. all you’ve done is mention you, you you you. You are incredibly selfish and I agree with PP.. you’ve ruined what should have been the best day of his life.. you are basically talking about him like he was nothing more than a donor and you don’t sound like you respect or care about the face that he is the father of your child. The PP are right, you have decided that now is the best time to ease your guilt because you don’t think he will leave you...If I was him I would leave you as you probably told him in the same way you wrote this post and it very much reads as you don’t give a shit about him and that he should be grateful and stay with you because you are carrying his child. And if he isn’t and he leaves then you will terminate and you’ll probably make out to people that it was his fault why you didn’t keep the baby because he left not because of what you did.. twice!

Please don’t throw your age down because you are the same age as me and I find cheating appalling and I think it is up there with higher crimes as it is one of the most despicable things you can do to someone you claim to love. IMHO you have given him a real shit sandwich.. you’ve given him the best news you can give your partner who you claim to love and you have given him the worst news.

Personally I don’t see you two walking away from this together.

The hormones can be really difficult and make you think very differently. You're getting a very hard to OP, obviously you already know you were wrong but I do understand, and have experienced, the hormone chnages making you think and behave differently. Give him time and try not to read this thread too much.

Maybe I’m completely with you. I have to say I think most people responding here sound bonkers. You’ve got every right to shag who you want when you’ve only been on ‘a few dates’ with someone, I wouldn’t expect someone I’d only seen in that capacity to only be seeing me! The second one after agreeing to be exclusive is not so great, but as you said Maybe, the context of being 21 and at uni and the relationship still being very early is entirely different to her having done it last week. I might be a bit miffed about the second occasion if my partner told me that, but I can’t say I’d be devastated or think them a prolific adulterer!

Still think the OP was a prat to tell him though, what’s the point of creating drama over something so inconsequential?

it's really not about OP having sex 4 years ago behind her 'early days' boyfriends back, it really isn't.

it's the storing of that highly distressing (according to OP) information for 4 years, THEN announcing this information moments after telling your partner of 4 years he's going to be a Father. That's a fucking disgrace right there. Hormonal or not, that guy did not deserve that information at that moment, I feel nothing but sympathy for him, and imagine his Family when he tells them what a class act his partner is.

For someone who needs to be honest, you found lying for four years fine?

The timing is horrific. I remember my husband's joy when I told him I was pregnant. To destroy that for my own feelings would have been fucking hideous. What you did was incredibly self-indulgent, selfish and nasty as fuck. In his place your sheer selfishness in timing would kill our relationship. And no, I don't give a shit if you think that's horrible any more than you gave a shit when you chose to fuck someone else then wreck something magical four years later.

How soon after telling him you were pregnant did you admit to the cheating, OP?

It wasn't actually "moments", was it??