Pregnant and did something insane

[ohlordielord]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

It's interesting how the answers change depending on the gender of the offender!
Yes women are always fallen angels and men are irredeemable bastards.

If she's being honest she had sex with other people twice very early on before she had firmly committed to her current partner. Looking at it logically, that doesn't seem enough reason to me for her heavy guilt or his reaction.

Looking at it logically, that doesn't seem enough reason to me for her heavy guilt or his reaction.

I'm not surprised he's fucked off, to be honest. He was on top of the world (newly pregnant partner, thrilled at the news) then got the bombshell dropped on him that she cheated on him twice. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions!

Looking at it logically, that doesn't seem enough reason to me for her heavy guilt or his reaction.
To be fair to the OP prenatal anxiety isn’t logically.
While I was pregnant I had terrible anxiety about the baby being born mixed race and my DH leaving me because he thought I’d cheated (we are both white and I hadn’t slept with anyone other than DH for 10 years previously). I didn’t sleep for months, had terrible panic attacks and stomach upsets because of it. All utterly and obviously ridiculous. Hormones do funny things to you. Didn’t tell DH at the time because he was so excited about the baby and I didn’t want him to start thinking I was laying that groundwork because I had cheated. I look back in those days and think what the hell was that about.

The bombshell is big to be fair.

It sounds very much 'well you would have found out anyway and now I am pregnant by 'accident' you probably wont leave me so I will tell you now'

Especially in the height of emotion and hurt. He may calm down and understand why the OP told him now. Maybe not. Maybe he will feel that if she can lie to him for 4 years, she could lie again
He may feel chances are she is only telling him somethings and minimising.

Mners often tell posters, that if a man admits to an affair and says 'it was only once' or 'it was at the begining' , that the man is probably not telling them the full story and more will come out.

But I think we can allow someone some time, who finds out they have been lied to for 4 years. Regardless of how bad the act was. Especially when its dropped and ruined this special time.

But I think we can allow someone some time, who finds out they have been lied to for 4 years. Regardless of how bad the act was. Especially when its dropped and ruined this special time.
Yes at least give the poor sod a chance to even work out what he thinks.

And I know I sound selfish here and I’m the one at fault but what about ME?

You weren’t honest about your ONS for your own benefit and you’ve now been honest, again for your own benefit. I think the ‘Me’ you speak of has been the priority all along.

Anxiety can be treated but dumping your shit on your bf isn’t a recognised treatment. Get professional help.

I personally don’t think you acted at all terribly in the beginning but you haven’t handled yourself well in this particular instance and your petulant cry of “What about Me”? Doesn’t help your cause.

Do not tell him that you will terminate if that what he wants or if he decides he doesn’t want to speak to you again as that will be throwing all responsibility on him and will come across as emotional blackmail. Don’t even consider your options yet assuming you are in the early stages. Say to him when his ready to talk you are too. Do not hide anything, do not blame it on anything or make excuses just give him the facts so he can make his own mind up. You can make a decision on the baby after that but right now he has a right to be angry, hurt and upset and as much as you do too you have to take on both your feelings. It’s not for him to make you feel better or to give you a shoulder to cry on as it’s self inflicted in your acts whether they were 4 years ago or not and you have done this to him. Look after yourself and your baby as best you can and if you need emotional support look at counselling. With time and discussions he may be ready to forgive but also be prepared for him to walk away

Why are people so judgemental,? people make mistakes, she was very young and a

student. I'm not sure you would even call the first time cheating she had only had a few dates with her DP at that stage.
She's been faithfull since then. I would say the same if a man was in this position too.

And I don't think she is threatening him with termination! She's trying to give him a let out clause so he doesn't need to see her again if he doesn't want to. Yes she was unwise to tell him and giving him the chance to choose termination is a very bad idea but she is ridden with anxiety and not acting rationally.
OP I think you should talk to your doctor or midwife about how you feel.
Good luck and please do not be eaten up with guilt. X

Why does the the first one count? You were in a relationship with him for both.

It would be wise to start thinking wether or not you want to be a single parent. Consider how this could go if he does and rightfully be his choice to leave you.

You've tried to lesson the effect by saying you was young at uni but that doesn't fly far. Not everyone becomes a cheat when they are young and go to uni. You made conscious decisions that are incredibly selfish and hurtful to another person.

You may think it's normal for young people to do that but he may not. It would be completely acceptable for him to leave you.

Consider if you would be happy as a single parent and him sharing custody. It's a very different situation to raising your child as a couple. Some people enjoy the time they don't have their child, for others it's very painful and the adult relationships can go very sour when trying to parent separately.

Can you leave and stay with family or friends for a while to give him space?

CarolDanvers

Maybe it's not 'that bad' for you to suddenly find out that YOUR partner has been fucking someone else?

Batshite

"He asked me why on earth I felt it was important to tell him, given we were only starting out dating and had at that stage been together for many many years. I couldn't really explain why. Then he laughed at me and said in a mock scolding tone 'well no more now as you are officially mine' or something like that. And not another word was said on the topic."

Oh, how the irony would have been if he added on - "And don't worry about it now because the early stages of our relationship, I slept with quite a few women as well"

Yeah adaline I don't get this either. When I had my first date with DH that was the sign to not kiss/have sex with other men. You never know what a relationship will become so surely you treat every new one with the view that it may turn into something good?

But this was nearly 20 years ago, maybe things have changed since? We never became "official" or became "exclusive" these things just happen.

Op said they were exclusive the second time she had a one night stand .
If I was in the guy’s position I would absolutely walk, you’ve lied to him for 4 years , I couldn’t get over it.

The fact you’re telling him now comes across really strategic as you have said that if he leaves you then you will terminate , that’s quite a manipulative statement ....I really feel sorry for this poor man, reality is that you are emotionally blackmailing him and all this anxiety talk you seem to use for your excuse almost.

Op I would expect him to leave, you need to mentally prepare yourself for that .
Ask yourself are you genuinely happy about being a mum , you seem to be so why terminate ? It’s a question only you can decide but I wouldn’t link your relationship status effect that decision as it could be something you regret later in life.
Finally I’d seek some professional help , speak to your gp about your anxiety and also how you’re feeling in general.

MrsJ that was how things were in the UK 20 years ago. I guess weve now moved to the American version where you date several people at a time and then eventually pick one (and I guess hope they pick you) to be exclusive with.

Sounds exhausting. Glad I'm settled and out of it.

oneforthepain

I completely agree with your post. The OP only told her partner to alleviate her own feelings. She didn't stop to think about what it would do to him.

And why bring up a possible termination? That just sounds like she's trying to manipulate him - he has to stay with her and "forgive" her or she'll have an abortion that she doesn't want and then blame him for leaving her no other option?

I think OP that you it's now up to your partner what he chooses to do with the information that you gave him. You need to give him the space to decide what he wants to do. You can't try and emotionally blackmail him into doing what you want.

Some really unsupportive comments for a person seriously struggling Good job guys!

If you don’t have something nice or helpful to say (particularly to someone who probably can not handle it right now), don’t say anything at all!!!!!

PurpleDaisies

"It’s not his baby"

But I assume you will expect him to pay even though it's not his baby.

Terrible thing to say - this isn't women's rights at all. It's out and out over the top, irrelevant Feminism at its very worst.

You sound incredibly self-absorbed, OP. First, you cheat - not once, but twice. The first time right after you'd agreed to be exclusive (shouldn't have agreed if you didn't want to do it). That was all about you - you told him what he wanted to hear (about being exclusive), while continuing to behave however you wanted. Twice.

Then you ruin the most joyous news of his life - that he's going to be a dad - by immediately telling him you cheated on him. All because you were struggling with the guilt. So you figured you'd make things easier for yourself by fucking things up for him.

Now, you're talking about telling him that you'll have a termination if he doesn't want to see you again. That is beyond manipulative. You are literally holding his unborn baby's life hostage to force him to forgive you. That is beyond abhorrent. It's utterly sickening.

Having a ONS before you were committed to this relationship was not the thing to feel guilt about, but telling the person you love something so upsetting at such an important time, was incredibly stupid. The ONSs were unimportant and not impacting on this relationship so why on earth do people have this urge to confess past secrets? I've no idea what you expected this confession to achieve except ease your unnecessary guilt? All you can do now is try to retrieve some trust and put it behind you.

@BarbarianMum theres nothing wrong with daring several people all at once.As long as both parties are fine with it.
The problem is in the ops case it wasnt put out as that.

There is a difference between some minor incidents in the early days of a relationship though which have never been repeated over the next four years and an affair or cheating after a relationship is long established.

For some people any form of cheating is cheating. I think an even bigger factor for me would be the lying about it for four years - if this were my husband it would now cast a doubt over everything. Once someone has shown that they aren't trustworthy how can you believe anything that they tell you?

How is the boyfriend to believe OP when she says it's only these 2 occasions? She can't prove that to him can she? He has to trust that what she's saying is the truth and she's just proved that she isn't trustworthy.

OP, he might be able to forgive you, he might not. That is up to him and it's completely irrelevant what anyone else on here would do in that situation. What you have to accept is that he's going to have lots of questions and you have to answer them honestly. You can't just tell " what about me" to him. This isn't about you now.

Birdonawire, I agree with you. The ONS are not the issue, picking now to make your b/f unhappy and so that he will forever associate the news of his first child with this was unkind and thoughtless. I think you're mid 20s? If you carry on with the pregnancy and stay with him or someone else, I think you need to work on putting other people first, really thinking how your anxiety, or your unburdening, or feeling tired or fed up or whatever will impact on other people and if it will make their day worse, think whether it's the right moment to let on eg your child's school play, then keep quiet and smile. There's a time for others to support you, but not always. Forget about the one night stands. They're irrelevant, in the distant past and you can't change it. You can choose how you treat your b/f now, and with kindness would be a good rule of thumb.

If he does leave you, it doesn't mean he doesn't want his baby. Obviously that is your decision at the end of the day but it sound like you are saying if he won't stay with you you will terminate the pregnancy. You don't need to do that if it's not what you want.