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Original poster

Pregnant and did something insane

279 replies

ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 21:58

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 22:47

@drowsydragon yes I do feel very undeserving. This is why I’ve done it as I couldn’t bear for him to think of me as sweet and lovely when I’m not

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 07/06/2019 22:48

I think it was utterly ridiculous to tell him. He didn't need to know about things that happened before you were even official. I will also say though that there's a problem if he makes a big meal out of this and tries to punish you for it. It's not that bad. I don't want to go on at you so I won't but I have to wonder if there's more behind you deciding that this was the moment to tell him, some deep rooted resentment or anger towards him.

burnyburny · 07/06/2019 22:48

Oh, OP!

Do you regret telling him, or do you think it was the right thing?

I hope it works out for you, but I agree with others. It's not about your feelings now. Unless you've done this as a sub conscious get out?

Summergarden · 07/06/2019 22:50

Could you maybe write him a letter to try to explain why you told him and make clear how it hasn’t happened again in years and how much you love him?

Then leave it for him to absorb in his own time. He probably just needs to process it.

Try not to worry, there’s far worse things you could have done. Hope all goes well.

oneforthepain · 07/06/2019 22:51

I think the point is you seem to have tried to discharge your own difficult feelings by handing them all over to your partner with a big dose of hurt and betrayal.

They were your feelings to deal with. It wasn't fair of you to decide you couldn't tolerate stomach churning anxiety and swirling thoughts so you were going to hurt somebody else to try and make it go away. Is that how you normally deal with difficult feelings?

Has he actually said he thinks you've trapped him?

I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination

I don't think telling him that would be a brilliant idea, do you? Whether you mean it to be or not it's likely to sound like emotional blackmail.

You've already tried to shift your guilt onto him, it's not fair to also put it on his shoulders whether or not you continue with the pregnancy based on his ability to forgive you.

Please don't do that.

DrowsyDragon · 07/06/2019 22:51

Ok, I think you need to seek some one neutral to talk to. Actually talk to. I found Samaritans brilliant to just get out my anxiety away from my partner. As a mum I have a therapy session once a month to manage my anxiety too. I think you might need some help if you feel like this about yourself and it’s driving you to be destructive if your relationship. As for your partner you just need t give him time and try to resist the urge to tell him over and over how bad you feel.

dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 22:52

@CarolDanvers Of course its a big thing.She cheated on him.And if one thing MN loves to say is "once a cheat always a cheat"

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 07/06/2019 22:52

You are sweet and lovely. You're not a different person. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes - sometimes little ones, sometimes big ugly horrible ones, but we all do. You had to tell him - it would have eaten you alive with anxiety if you hadn't. And he'd rather know! He's got a right to know all the information about his life. I think that probably he'll be able to get past it as it's not who you are now, but you need to give him time, understanding, space and a lot of very consistent, honest love. Don't push or pressure him or second guess what he's thinking. Just keep reassuring him that you love him, that you're so happy to be having this baby with him and that you totally understand he probably doesn't like you much right now but you'll never stop wanting to be with him.

You also need to start thinking about some strategies to manage your anxiety, as pregnancy and new motherhood are hugely anxious times and it sounds like you're suffering with your mental health right now. You've latched onto this past indiscretion for now but there will be something else later if you don't deal with it. I strongly recommend CBT - go to your GP and ask to be referred .Hopefully it won't be a long wait as you're pregnant.

gamerwidow · 07/06/2019 22:53

Give him time, he needs to think about what you've told him and you won't make it better by making it all about your feelings again.
I understand why you are feeling anxious but you shouldn't have told him, it was a long time ago and he didn't need to know.
You've tried to make yourself feel better and you've hurt him in the process. I'm sure he'll come round given time but don't push him and certainly don't tell him you'll terminate your pregnancy if he doesn't want to see you again. Seriously that would be an awful thing to do.

SandyY2K · 07/06/2019 22:54

my intention wasn’t to hurt him

Not berating, just a question.

What response where you expecting from him? On some level, regardless of your intention, you must have known it would hurt him surely?
Any other feeling apart from hurt/anger/shock from him would be surprising.

It does seem like offloading and guilt, due to the effect it was having on you, were the primary reason you told him.

All you can do now is stay calm, give him space, be truthful if he asks for details of the ONS, understand that he will be going through a wave of emotions and probably feel very confused about you, the relationship and the baby.

With cheating,
it can be difficult to put yourself in the position of your betrayed partner, as you're embroiled in your own feelings.

Much of your words are about you and how you feel. What could lead to the end of your relationship is a failure to fully, openly acknowledge his pain, which you have caused.

He will simply view you as selfish, even if that's not your intention.

This was 4 years ago, but for him it's just happened. It's important you bear that in mind.

BatShite · 07/06/2019 22:55

I think while it might obviously cause issues right now, it was the right thing to do to tell him as it was clearly a big deal to you and something you have been feeling guilt over but keeping quiet which probably raised your anxiety even more so its best off your chest really. Its up to him how he deals with it or how he thinks obviously though.

The part that stood out to me the most was basically, you seem to think if hes unhappy you should have a termination on his behalf. Please do not think like this, you never owe a bloke a termination, and it should always be yur choice, not something you feel guilted into.

I had a similar anxiety issue when I got married to DH and admitted a fling from literally 13 years back when we were still pretty much in the 'getting to know you/dating' phase. So I understand why you did this now, seems to be common to feel the need to 'confess' during..bigger (not the right word but cannot think what is) parts of your life.

Summergarden · 07/06/2019 22:56

Yes I agree with One for the pain above.

It’s likely the pregnancy hormones making you feel extra emotional and act a bit irrationally, but please tread carefully and avoid saying things that will make him feel even worse such as the termination thing. It could cause further damage to your relationship.

Perhaps make an appointment with your GP to chat about your feelings and ways they could help.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 07/06/2019 22:57

I don't judge what you've done - we all make mistakes (albeit you made the same mistake twice). I think you were wrong to tell him, but understand why your hormones are raging.

What I think is really fucking sad is that NOWHERE in this is the baby. It's all you and him.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 22:58

To clarify - yes I did know this would hurt him, but the alternative was to live with this anxiety. Not just a feeling of nerves but a real crushing weight, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep. It’s easy to say you shouldn’t have told him but equally I can’t just live with intense guilt. Not trying to be ‘me me me’ just explaining my rationale here

OP posts:
crazyasafox · 07/06/2019 22:59

I am with @kingslayerand @Bumblebeee69 here.

FFS, giving him this great news that you're pregnant, and then shitting all over his joy by telling him that you have cheated on him TWICE. There was no need whatsoever to have told him.

ALSO, you could have told him before you both started TTC. Telling him now is going to make it much more difficult for him to break free from you.

Words fail me. Poor bloke! Sad

FFS, if a man behaved like this, imagine the comments then. The OP's behaviour is terrible. It's a shocking way to treat the man you profess to love.

'Making a mistake' by the way, is getting unsalted butter instead of salted, or getting off at the wrong exit on the M6, or getting the times wrong for the film you wanted to see. What YOU did was blatant cheating, (TWICE) and now, you are dropping the bombshell (on your partner,) that you cheated, JUST after telling him you are expecting his baby, so you can 'clear your conscience??' WTAF? Confused There are no 'mistakes' here; just selfish and thoughtless behaviour from you @ohlordielord .

Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 23:00

Oh @batshite how did your DH react when you told him?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 23:01

What I think is really fucking sad is that NOWHERE in this is the baby. It's all you and him.

There isn’t a baby yet. She’s addressed the pregnancy.... I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want

Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 23:02

@crazyasafox how dare you write such a judgmental holier than thou post? I hadn’t even slept with DP when I slept with the first guy, as I said we had only been on a few dates. Don’t talk to me like I’m some serial shagger when I had a ONS whilst still at uni!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 23:03

@crazyasafox there was also no ‘TTC’ involved here

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 07/06/2019 23:04

OP are you seeing a therapist for your anxiety? I think it would be a good idea, it would give you a chance to explore why you are so anxious, and find ways of reducing that anxiety that don't involve passing it on to others, or sabotaging the good things you have.

crazyasafox · 07/06/2019 23:09

@ohlordielord

Don't post on here asking people views, and then spit your dummy out, and start ranting, when you hear things you don't want to hear.

there was no TTC involved.

if you say so. Wink

dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 23:09

@PurpleDaisies
There isn’t a baby yet. She’s addressed the pregnancy.... I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want

This is not great either.Not only has @ohlordielord cheated twice,shes threatening the man.If he doesnt accept it shes terminating..Thats so fucking wrong.

If she wanted to terminate the time to do it was beforeshe told him.

Its all about her.

BatShite · 07/06/2019 23:10

Oh @batshite how did your DH react when you told him?

He asked me why on earth I felt it was important to tell him, given we were only starting out dating and had at that stage been together for many many years. I couldn't really explain why. Then he laughed at me and said in a mock scolding tone 'well no more now as you are officially mine' or something like that. And not another word was said on the topic.

Given your anxiety ridden post, probably the complete polar opposite of your reaction. I am sorry for that. Maybe I was lucky.

What I think is really fucking sad is that NOWHERE in this is the baby. It's all you and him.

Thats a bit of a weird answer? This is not about the baby, its about something she did years back so why would it be about the baby? Its possible I am being very dim and missing something thats obvious to others though.

CarolDanvers · 07/06/2019 23:11

And if one thing MN loves to say is "once a cheat always a cheat"

Well I'm not "MN" and I don't say that...

And I don't think it is a big thing. It was before they were even properly involved. Don't bother replying you won't convince me otherwise.

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 23:11

If she wanted to terminate the time to do it was beforeshe told him.

Says who? People’s circumstances change all the time. Would it have been better for him to never know she was pregnant in the first place? There’s no absolute right or wrong answer there.

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