Pregnant and did something insane

[ohlordielord]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

FFS what is wrong with people on here? Having an ONS while still in the dating stage isn’t cheating, and having an abortion is not killing a baby! Jesus. Don’t you all have puritanical church to be at or something?

If you’re seeing/sleeping with other people having only been on a few dates with someone, that’s fine. If my partner said they’d slept with someone else after we’d had a couple of dates I would literally shrug and say, ‘so?’ The second time after you agreed to be exclusive is not great, but again, during the early days it’s not on the same scale as an affair in a marriage. you know that, and it really was pointless to tell him. I know it was eating you up but the only reason you’ve told him is to transfer your guilt, not out of a sense of duty to him. I think in this case the anxiety was yours to sit with, telling him does seem like a pointless endeavour creating drama where needn’t be any. I’ve got anxiety as well so I know what those overwhelming feelings are like, but the point is it’s my problem, not anyone else’s. Having said that, I think most reasonable people would be able to see that what you’ve told him is not THAT big a deal

I lied to DH at the beginning of our relationship, didn't cheat on him and never would!! But the lie hurt him enough when i told him the truth a couple of months later could never keep such a huge secret like you have for so long I am sure your partner feels very trapped and you need to sit down and talk it through with him to see what he wants...

I went through something similar to this when I was pregnant. I'd drive to work and would feel so anxious and guilty over something that happened at the very start of our relationship years ago. I never told him as it was so long ago and would ruin everything. The feelings faded after I had the baby. I just thought I should comment as it's obviously something to do with your hormones and you're not alone in having felt this! Hope you get through it! X

Wait, so someone struggling with anxiety should keep quiet and smile?

Really enlightened attitude to mental health there.

Please get help for your anxiety, this is really unfair. I understand it’s terrifying but it’s hurting too many people, yourself included. And give your DH some time to come to terms with this as you’ve handed him a grenade here. Take care.

And re mental health, it doesn’t give people carte Blanche to do as they please. It isn’t healthy.

You said the second time happened after you were exclusive so if I were him, I would be ending the relationship. I couldn't deal with the fact you had hidden it for 4 years. But that is me, every person is individual and will make their own decisions. Do I think you telling him when you did was selfish? Yes, but I also understand why you did it.

What's done is done. Now he will need some space to process this and decide what he wants to do. But one way or another, things will be forever changed between you and it is now about finding a way to get through all of this, either together or apart. You need to find some ways of coping with your anxiety, especially if you continue with the pregnancy. I find meditation helps with mine and I use a few apps for that. Don't pressure him to make a decision or talk about terminating, it is too much to deal with at once for anyone. Let him think about it and make a decision that is right for him. You do have to accept that you chose to tell him and now what happens is beyond your control.

I do agree with certain PP but being harsh about it isn't going to make things better/make you see their point even more. There's no need to be rude. I really don't get it on MN - this bizarre behaviour where people pretend that their lives are perfect, they've never made a mistake and that gives them the entitlement to treat other people in a less than savoury manner.

Admitting to something like this is entirely about alleviating your guilt. Guilt is a hard thing to live with. But in this situation, you should have weighed up whether your guilt outweighed the pain it would inflict on your OH. It was a mistake which was not repeated and should have been left at that.

But that's the rationale of someone who doesn't have a life changing experience ahead of them and a ton of hormones racing around their body.

I get wanting a fresh start. The fact that you are willing to risk your relationship and potentially raise this child alone speaks volumes about how heavily that was weighing on your conscience. You'd rather go it alone and not have that guilt hanging around, I'm guessing?

All you can do is hope he can forgive. It won't be easy OP and he won't necessarily forgive you straightaway - forgiveness is not always done and dusted. Sometimes emotions prevent us from moving on.

I hope he does though. Everyone makes mistakes and you need to filter out the judgemental crap from everyone on here. I hope you manage to move past this as a couple and you raise a happy and healthy child together.

This is a horrible horrible thread. There is a distressed pregnant woman here that people are slagging off.
OP I hope you are ok, you sound like you are in absolute bits. Have you got anyone in RL for support, please reach out to your mum or a trusted friend.
I think this may be a case where relationship counselling will help you and your partner decide how to handle this. The counsellor will not judge you because In real life (not Mumsnet World) people do cheat on each other, it happens all the time, and it is not the end of the world, whether or not it is the end of your relationship.
You are still very young and my heart goes out to you to be dealing with this.

@chiararimini - thank you ❤️ I appreciate different points of view which I knew I’d get on here but some of them have been so nastily worded and it has really upset me. People will no doubt respond to this “ha all about YOU again, YOU’RE upset” - well yes, I am. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about my bf also being upset. I’m just a person ffs

I have cheated on my partner before. I have never told him. It was a mistake, I feel guilty, and it totally messed up how I felt about everything in my life.

I haven’t told him, because it would be me dealing with my own guilt. I thought about this a lot, whether he had a right to know. I decided I wouldn’t lie if he asked, but I wouldn’t tell him outright, because it would be selfish. I know not everyone would agree with this, but we’d had conversations about it before - more from the perspective of how I would feel about it if he cheated (oh the irony) - but he broadly agreed.

It’s a bit too late for you to take this back, OP, but I think you have to own the selfishness of what you’ve done - twice (three times, actually) - and give him the space to process it and decide how he feels. As others have said, you’ve given him a real double whammy here. His head will be all over the place. When he’s ready, you might want to consider couples therapy.

95% of posts are about how you've hurt him. Yet you're only responding to the tiny minority that reference your behaviour with the other men.

I've rarely come across such self-absorption.

ChiaraRimini

I think posters are reacting more to how the OP is saying things, rather than her cheating.

If she had posted that she is concerned about her partner and how she can help him I think the tone would be very different.

It's the fact that she seemed to have forgotten about her partner will be feeling and actually said "what about ME" that led to these reactions.

What would have been the right response? Do you think we all should have told the OP how right she is and how nasty her partner is for not being more concerned about her unhappiness?

ohlordielord the person used the worst words about you, is actually you. You were the one that used the word whore.

Honestly, right now it's not about you.

It was about you when you cheated
It was about protecting you when you decided to keep it to yourself
It was about you when you decided to confess.
Put you to the side for once and think about him first. Stop worrying about what impact this is having on you.

The man you love is hurting because you lied. For just a little while, let this be about what he wants to do for him. Then deal with how you feel.

The whole situation would have been different if you had put him first at any point.

@decomposingposers when have I said my partner is nasty or that I expect him to be fine with this and breeze over it??? I have not said anything about the pregnancy, only as a reference as to why my emotions are all over the place. I have not emotionally blackmailed him - I just wanted to stress that I’m not trying to trap him and will try and respect whatever decision he makes. I haven’t told him to be spiteful, I told him because the guilt was crippling me, even if that may sound illogical. And I have been to therapy about my anxiety, therapist stressed that honesty and truth were important in the long term, this contributed to my decision to tell him. Terrible short term pain for him - maybe long term - but otherwise it’s a lifetime sentence for me. Yes my fault I know.

when have I said my partner is nasty

You haven't, and I haven't said that you did.

I was asking a pp what sort of responses they would like to see on here. Would they like to see everyone supporting you and telling you that your partner is wrong.

I didn't say that you had said it.

I hadn’t even slept with DP when I slept with the first guy, as I said we had only been on a few dates. Don’t talk to me like I’m some serial shagger when I had a ONS whilst still at uni!!!

So now you’re minimising this huge burden. If it was as you say above why the fuck did you have to tell him? Confession is such an incredibly selfish act. You’ve ruined things for him just so you can feel better. Madness.

Terrible short term pain for him - maybe long term - but otherwise it’s a lifetime sentence for me.

Short term pain for him? Are you kidding? It is a lifetime sentence that you've given him, how can you not see that?

If he leaves you then he has lost the family he thought he had. If you have the baby then he has to to somehow negotiate a life as a part time dad. If you decide not to have the baby then he has to live with that too.

If he stays then he has to live the rest of his life with that niggle of doubt in his mind that you might be lying.

How are either of those short term pain for him?

And your lifetime sentence we of your own doing. It is what you accepted when you twice took the decision to cheat and to them hide that for four years.

I would have some sympathy for you if you weren't constantly trying to minimise the impact on him.

What you have done will affect him for the rest of his life, even if he doesn't stay with you.

OP, this website is great in many ways but attracts a larger than representative number of people who appear to believe that any form of relationship infidelity is morally speaking tantamount to murder. Some of these concurrently appear to believe, however, that bullying a stranger on-line who is blatantly undergoing severe mental distress is not only fine, it’s actually some kind of ethical imperative. Now, you need to decide on where you stand on that particular dichotomy, OP. I know where I stand. And when you decide someone’s views are repugnant, it’s very important not to give them any headspace, especially when you are vulnerable.

PLEASE get some help for your anxiety, OP. As soon as you can. You do sound very unwell. And untreated anxiety can be, quite literally, lethal. Good luck.

It really is only on mumsnet where you see people saying pregnancy hormones drive you crazy. I've never met any woman in real life who looses their grip on reality due to pregnancy hormones like folks on here seem to think is the norm.

Op, what's done is done. You were only thinking of yourself. You still are. You know this. He's either going to accept it or not. I suspect he will accept but be hurt and some of the trust will be gone.

I told him because the guilt was crippling me,

Guilt is something cheaters have to live with. It was really unfair to try and unburden yourself by hurting him in the process. He should never have known.

Go and see a doctor about your instability, it could be a sign of hormonal imbalance or depression.

Regardless, you've done it now. Try and stay calm as stress is really harmful to the baby in pregnancy.

This is a pile on. It happens on here.

OP I know you are trying to stand your ground but my advice would be to hide the thread now so it can’t hurt you anymore and go and talk to your boyfriend. Explain that in the early stages of your relationship you were still in the uni headspace where everything is there for the sampling and you never expected to find your life partner so young. Pregnancy hormones have made you want to tell him because you were concerned the anxiety would keep spiralling until it impacted on your pregnancy. If I were your partner I would totally understand.

Good luck xx

Blunt I was an emotional wreck during both pregnancies. So personally I can totally understand anxiety being ramped up to the level you just want to unburden yourself of anything that’s troubling you.

sistercage, I meant just pick your moment to reach out. So maybe get through an hour or two, or day or two that really matters to someone eg a child's play, a job interview and then raise it

Poor guy