Pregnant and did something insane

[ohlordielord]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

OP I would strongly suggest leaving this thread and not reading it again. What's done is done. He knows now, so whether it was right or wrong to tell him is completely irrelevant. Just concentrate on your pregnancy and get some help from your midwife or GP. Pregnancy can really mess with your mind and this thread is really not going to help you.

@ohlordielord I did something similar. Not in terms of cheating, but in terms of having an overwhelming urge to tell my DH something from the past which was weighing on me like a ton of bricks on the chest. Sometimes the truth doesn't set you free, but I remember that all consuming feeling.

I think I had prenatal anxiety, it started when the symptoms of pregnancy started and didn't leave until around 13w. I was so happy to be rid of it I just threw myself into my pregnancy and never looked back.

Only after having the baby, postnatal depression took over my life and nearly ruined it. I don't say this to scare you, but to try and ask you to see that this anxiety is likely about more than your relationship and could come back at a later date. Mention it to your midwife (repeatedly if you have to, mine was fairly disinterested) and keep talking if it comes back at any point in pregnancy or after. I got help fairly early on and as a result I've made a full recovery, I'm one of the lucky ones.

For what it's worth, I don't think this is going to end your relationship. It was in the early stages and you've come clean now. I hope it gives you the chance to talk about it, clear the air and move forward.

However once this is sorted, get help with the anxiety. You don't have to go through this on your own.

If this thread is upsetting and unconstructive hide it.

I see this as rather more of a situation where the OP wanted a clean slate before embarking on a new and more binding commitment stage of their relationship. I can understand that.

OP, the ball's in his court now and you have to wait and see what he says. He may well need some time and you will have to respect his decision and feelings about your relationship.

But your pregnancy is up to you.

“I know I sound selfish here and I’m the one at fault but what about ME? I couldn’t go on with a sense of duplicity weighing heavy on my conscience.”

Well you managed to go on for 4 years with a sense of duplicity!! Didn’t seem to matter to you then!!!

Yes you do sound selfish and as though everything is just about you!!
Doesn’t matter about his feelings, only yours!
Doesn’t even really matter about the baby, you’ll terminate it if he wants! This last makes me wonder if that’s what you want, but are trying to get him to make that decision, so you don’t feel guilty?

To be honest, if you had only cheated the first time, it would maybe have been forgivable, but twice, not so easy!! Poor man is probably heartbroken and worrying what you are going to tell him next!
Maybe worried that next revelation is that you cheated again a few weeks ago and don’t know if baby is his?

She should be forced to continue the pregnancy because he left her?

Bangs head on wall

If he has left her its because of what she has done

I do hope, OP that he sees the sense and forgives you (forgives you for telling him) and forgets about it.

Wildly selfish and immature. Honestly, it would be much, much better for your partner if he left you. I’m sure you’re not selfless enough to put his feelings before your own and do the right thing here.

You’ve ruined what should be a wonderful memory for him all because you felt guilty? As you rightly should have done, but the time to tell him would have been when it happened, so he could make his mind up then. Not just after telling him you’re pregnant. No happy endings for anyone here. Was it really worth it?

@ LUFC thanks, good to get a man’s perspective. Your gf giving a BJ when you were first going out and from the sound of it she was blind drunk is not the same as her doing it now she’s your wife. But ofc nasty people on here will try their best to sow seeds of doubt

His wife was with him for 6 months at that point when she gave oral sex, so if you think that's right then that says a lot about your way of thinking.

There's no nasty person here, you're just evidently selfish and cannot see beyond yourself. I would love to know your reaction if your partner gave oral sex to another woman after 6 months of dating, or if he told you he had cheated on you.

You've been given good advice and yet you're still drowning in self pity because it's clear you only think of yourself. As said before, maybe he is better off without you.

There's no seeing sense with you here, you continue with your oh woe is me attitude.

*The bottom line is, if you love each other enough your relationship can get through any obstacle.

That's a very simplistic view and us humans are complex creatures.

You may really really want to forgive, but find it too difficult.

I often hear people 2 or more years later, who didn't leave after their OH cheated, but constantly have triggers and are really not happy.

Some couples can and do get through cheating and are happy afterwards.

You weren't married and he might have done the same thing. You were just dating.

You need to put it behind you now that things are serious and there is a baby on the way. Stop looking back. Look ahead. Congratulations.

If he has left her its because of what she has done

I know that. Does that mean she should be forced to remain pregnant?

@fuckmndoublestandards didn’t say it was ‘right’ what she did, just like I haven’t said what I did was right. However not being right isn’t the same as unforgivable.

I know that. Does that mean she should be forced to remain pregnant?
I cant answer that.

I cant answer that.

Why not? It’s a simple yes or no. You seem to be advocating punishing the op for behaving badly by saying she should have to continue the pregnancy.

Sometimes confessing is the most selfish thing to do. The damage it does just to make you feel better and less guilty is horrendous

PurpleDaisies No i havent.Its not a simple yes or not.Im not in the situation.

The op put herself in this situation.If she didnt have to tell him.Why did she.
At least he found out now,not 20 years down the line with a few more kids in the mix.

clean slate is gony be where you go from here.dont offer anything you cant deliver.sorry that landed wrong.let him go if thats way it folds.honesty prevails,just feels like shite at the time...good luck x

I do hope, OP that he sees the sense and forgives you (forgives you for telling him) and forgets about it.

Forgets? Because he has amnesia. Why would he forget.

Would you forget breaking pregnancy news, then your OH telling you they cheated on you twice? Being supportive to the OP is fine, but being realistic is also needed.

OP... if you give off the defensive attitude you have on here to you DP, things won't go so well for you. If you start saying to him "it was only XXX" or "We'd only been on 3 dates", you'll sound unremorseful and be seen as minimising... which is typical cheater pattern of behaviour.

You may not like what I've said, but I'm being honest with you and trying to help you understand the betrayed person's feelings.

ohlordielord I had to post because I think some of the replies you've had are really nasty and spiteful and judgemental. I'm actually feeling real anger right now on your behalf at the unkindness and narrow-mindedness being shown to a vulnerable person by some pp's. Hey, you vindictive, self-righteous pomposities! Nice view up there from your high horse is it? Learn some compassion ffs and practice your reading comprehension while you're about it. Unless that is, you deliberately chose to misunderstand the OP - or maybe your emotional IQ really is that low?

lordie you felt intensely that you had to be honest with your partner, so telling him was, for you, at this moment in time, the right decision. And surely deception, secrecy and guilt can never truly be good foundations for a serious long-term relationship, so in that sense too you did the right thing. Personally I don't feel what you did was all that bad, speaking as, you know, a fallible human being.

I know it feels like everything is just a horrible mess at the moment (and the hormones and the head-fuck that pregnancy - especially unplanned, perhaps - can be, really won't be helping), but I think you love each other and the two of you can work through this and get past it stronger than before. Good luck with everything

What she's basically saying is that, if you don't accept that I'm unfaithful, I'm going to kill your baby.
In the circumstances, I genuinely pity a child being born into this.

Yes, the OP is telling him that if doesn't accept her cheating she'll abort. He would be best placed to walk away.

OK yeah, if thats the case then this is shocking and absolutely emotional blackmail.

As I said, I read it as her basically if he wanted nothing to do with her and wanted her to abort then she would, but that she wouldn't want to. And also read it as she hasn't actually said that to him but is thinking it.

I cannot read it any other way even though I have tried to but given so many read it like that, that seems to be my issue and if it is the case that its basically 'accept me cheating or I abort' then thats disgusting obviously.

PurpleDaisies I clearly said that if she has an abortion that's up to her.

But using it to keep him isnt ok.

She needs wait to see what happens then make the decision that is right for her. Putting the decision on to him isnt ok.

That's totally different to saying why she was/is going to say.

Either way......its still his baby. Her body, so she makes the decision. But still his baby as well.

You are sweet and lovely

Really??? Shes just destroyed a special moment in her partner's life by admitting to him she cheated on him and is threatening to terminate the pregnancy. That's a strange definition of sweet & lovely.

Would you have called her partner sweet & lovely if hed admitted shagging someone else just after shed announced her pregnancy and then suggested a termination if she couldnt put his cheating behind them??

The double standards on here are breathtaking at times

It's already done. I do think it was rather bizarre timing to tell this to him.

I would seek out therapy for help.