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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pregnant and did something insane

279 replies

ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 21:58

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/06/2019 06:44

It was incredibly bad timing to decide to confess to him. I agree with the poster who said confessions made you feel better but not him.
Give him some space and time to forgive you
Maybe couples counselling

Work12 · 08/06/2019 06:51

I felt anxious during pregnancy like this too and felt like I needed to confess to stupid things like smiling at another man. It's really horrible and it eats you up and drives you insane. You were only dating and you didn't know which way you would both be going so I think he will forgive you xx

Rufftumbles · 08/06/2019 06:56

OP the timing isn’t perfect but I understand why you feel the need to tell him now. You are pregnant and highly emotional and perhaps it’s more of wiping away the past for a ‘clean slate’ when the baby arrives.

You were at uni, very young and tbh I don’t think the first ONS was even cheating as you weren’t together.

Yes, you should have told him about the other one at the time but you obviously didn’t feel that strongly about him or you wouldn’t have done it. My guess is, though, your relationship developed and feelings strengthened and the longer you haven’t told him, the guiltier you’ve felt but the further away from the incident it becomes and so you chose not to tell him and to focus on your relationship.

I think, for him, after the initial shock of the ONS, the biggest betrayal will be that you kept it hidden for all these years. Don’t be surprised if he finds it difficult to trust you for a long time, questions you, brings it up etc. His feelings will be hurt by the perception that you have lied to him for all this time.

If you both want to get through it, you can but you need to be as patient and reassuring as possible- which is difficult anyway, never mind when you’re pregnant and should be the one whose needs are prioritised. My suggestion is give him time to think for a couple of days and let him decide, on his own terms, what reassurances he needs from you to continue the relationship. Then do your best to meet them. Perhaps also try couples counselling if you can afford it.

It’s going to be tough OP but people have gone through tougher and survived. Good luck.

Johngon · 08/06/2019 06:56

Didnt realise pro-lifers had infiltrated MN. OP has NOT said she is going to terminate the pregnancy (kill the baby- really?). Its a THOUGHT. She hasnt said it. Hmm
So there is no threat. She was thinking aloud.

Stiffasaboard · 08/06/2019 06:58

Well glad it’s helped you OP

Fact is for your DP he will forever have the news of his first child ruined by memories of you blurting out that you cheated

And then threaten an abortion if he doesn’t accept it and just move on?

Totally get that you had built it up to a huge thing in your head which was causing anxiety- but given you are now able to minimise it on this thread with oh we weren’t serious and it was a one off etc, I am left wondering why you didn’t seek therapy to minimise it in your own head before dropping it on your DP

If I was your DP I wouldn’t be able to forgive the timing more than the actual infidelity.

That I could have worked through as being the act of a young person unsure about a new relationship and commitment

Seeking to absolve themselves of anxiety FOUR years later when we were celebrating the most amazing once in a lifetime news- nope I couldn’t get past that cruelty

hardyloveit · 08/06/2019 07:10

This post is literally all about your feelings op! None at all for your poor partner! You have had 4 years to admit both mistakes! Then to say what you said about the termination is disgusting! It's emotional blackmail!

You have only told him to make yourself feel better! What about his feelings in all of this???

If you had been honest from the start would you even still be with him now??

The double standards from some posters is astounding! If this had been a man NO ONE would be telling the pregnant woman to get over it and move on etc!

Imagine if the man had said if you don't forgive my cheating il walk away and let you do the pregnancy all yourself! He would get absolutely slaughtered on here !

Your in the wrong here on so many levels op! If my dh told me he had cheated on me twice even if it was at the beginning, I'd walk away!

Work12 · 08/06/2019 07:12

People don't get it, it's the fact of having this happy news that's made her suddenly feel anxious along with the hormones. It was early days you were in the dating stage yes it's not great or ideal but you've got a clean slate now and it's been said, I know how you feel op I had the same anxiety over things. Don't start saying to your do about a termination that will just enfuriate him more and don't make out your the victim to him as he will feel more mad just show you're sorry etc and be understanding to him

Isatis · 08/06/2019 07:12

my intention wasn’t to hurt him

I don't understand this. How could it possibly not have hurt him?

I couldn’t go on with a sense of duplicity weighing heavy on my conscience.

You've managed it for four years. Do you actually feel any better for having told him?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/06/2019 07:12

Seeking to absolve themselves of anxiety FOUR years later when we were celebrating the most amazing once in a lifetime news- nope I couldn’t get past that cruelty

No matter how eleavted your emotions, no matter how much your conscience niggles, no matter how nice and sweet you are... THAT is the lifelong reality you have handed your DP.

ohlordielord You HAVE to stop feeling sorry for yourself or you won't be in any position to do/say the right things to put your relationship back together again, The slightest protestation, the merest hint of you feeling 'blamed' or at fault will wreck any vestige of trust he may have left in you. Try a little empathy... something you have shown no sign of here... you will see just how large the wrecking ball you released is!

YoYoNoMore · 08/06/2019 07:23

OP, your actions were selfish. There was no need to shit all over his life just to alleviate your guilt. Being pregnant isn’t an excuse. You now need to work very hard and put your partner’s feelings first if you want to salvage this relationship. Good luck!

ohlordielord · 08/06/2019 07:32

Thanks again for your replies. I have 100% focused on the hurt he is feeling when speaking to him, but it can be really hard to see beyond the end of your own nose when anxiety is this bad. I get that that’s ‘wrong’

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/06/2019 07:36

Please do speak to your gp about your anxiety OP. This whole incident shows that it is really out of balance.

IsThisValidEnough · 08/06/2019 07:40

Let's move past the previous posts OP. I think there is a lot of truth in them but perhaps not framed in the most productive way! You've told him now and that's that.

Have you spoken to him since? How is he feeling? I think many people could forgive this but I think many people would struggle. I think my husband would struggle with the fact that I had kept that quiet for years etc.

Whatever has been said, I think you need to reassure him that you are there to listen to his concerns. Keep any talk of termination out of it. Other posters are right, that could be seen as a bit of emotional blackmail. Discuss this calmly together, show your genuine remorse and focus on trying to build trust up.

Yes the OP was an idiot when she was younger. However I shudder to think what I was like at the age of 21 compared with who I am now. We do grow as we get older.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/06/2019 08:04

@Jonette

Your posts are absolutely vile. It's appalling that you can berate @ohlordielord in this way and use such loaded terms ('kill baby') which in no way relate to what the OP has said.

Nothing you've written is helpful - you are attacking someone in a vulnerable position.

adaline · 08/06/2019 08:10

It seems to be perfectly acceptable (to large numbers of posters) to cheat in the early stages of a relationship. What's the cut-off point? Two weeks? Two months? Six months? Living together? Lots of couples never have a "we're official" conversation and just fall into a relationship naturally.

So where do you draw the line?

gamerwidow · 08/06/2019 08:11

I have OCD and GAD and I had crippling prenatal anxiety when I was pregnant but I still think you were selfish and cruel.
You absolutely should have put up with the stomach churning anxiety instead of causing so much hurt to the person you’re supposed to love.
Yes anxiety is crippling but it is also transient. You chose to deliberately hurt someone to ease your short term discomfort and now you’re here complaining that you feel bad.
Go to your GP and get help for your anxiety like you should have done in the first place and stop using it as an excuse to be so self absorbed.

gamerwidow · 08/06/2019 08:13

adaline it’s not ‘ok’ to cheat in the early days of a relationship but it doesn’t make the OP a terrible person or mean the relationship is built on lies. It just makes her someone who made a mistake and regretted it.

thegirlracer · 08/06/2019 08:13

If you are happy about being pregnant and having the baby, why would you have a termination if he leaves? Why can’t you carry on? There are countless single parents, it’s not impossible.

galaxy101 · 08/06/2019 08:16

Although I guess you've done the right thing I don't think you needed to tell him. The one where you'd only been on a couple dates... you owed him no loyalty at that point, how were you to know you'd end up serious? It'd be different if you'd been shagging around 4/5 months in by which point you know what you want with a person (serious/not serious). I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.

adaline · 08/06/2019 08:17

Well gamerwidow lots of people seem to be saying he should just get over it and move on because it was four years ago.

And of course things are built on lies - her partner believes she was only seeing/sleeping with him all along, but she's slept with two other men in that time! If I were him, I'd be thinking "is it really only two? Why is she only telling me now she's pregnant? Is the baby really mine or is this going to lead to more confessions?"

Even if he decides to stay with her, the seeds of doubt are there in his mind now.

gamerwidow · 08/06/2019 08:32

There is a difference between some minor incidents in the early days of a relationship though which have never been repeated over the next four years and an affair or cheating after a relationship is long established. The OPs DP certainly doesn’t have to forgive her but cheating like everything else comes in shades of grey rather than being black and white.
I personally would find the type of cheating the OP describes easier to forgive than an affair in a long term relationship or lots of ONS over s period of years. If the OPs DP feels differently that’s his prerogative.

Loopytiles · 08/06/2019 08:37

You don’t get to decide whether he stays in the relationship of forgives you for cheating, and for telling him at this time. If he doesn’t, he is not unreasonable.

Take responsibility. If you have a MH issue (I do) get help.

adaline · 08/06/2019 08:41

There is a difference between some minor incidents in the early days of a relationship though which have never been repeated over the next four years and an affair or cheating after a relationship is long established.

Of course, but how does he know they've never been repeated? He only has her word for that, and she's just told him she's cheated on him twice!

I would be questioning a) why she decided to come clean after four years, b) whether the baby is mine (as she's cheated twice, maybe she's done it again), c) whether I want to stay in a relationship with someone who is capable of both cheating and such a large period of deception.

I would also be wondering what else she'd lied about.

gamerwidow · 08/06/2019 08:46

adaline
Only the OPs DP will know how he feels about the OP now.
He might think the same as you or he might think that the OP has done enough over the 4 years to be trusted.
You can’t assume that he will feel as you would. I can’t assume he would feel as i would.

adaline · 08/06/2019 08:48

I'm not assuming he would :)

I'm just saying I'm surprised at how many people would just forgive and forget something like that. I've read posts on here where the man has done similar (cheated very early on) and 99% of the responses are LTB because he can't be trusted.

It's interesting how the answers change depending on the gender of the offender!