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Original poster

Pregnant and did something insane

279 replies

ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 21:58

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 07/06/2019 23:12

I did similar to my fiancé with my ex. I slept with my ex in the early stages of my relationship with DP when we were dating. There was a kind of overlap and he did know about it, but I know he’d be really upset if I divulged the timing of it as it was the day after we’d celebrated NYE together in a very swanky hotel in London. He always considers that as the time we got together proper of course I always say noooo, we were just saying then.

We are seven years and two kids on now. It does weigh heavy on me as I sometimes dream about it and manifest a whole anxiety thing where I tell him the children aren’t his etc etc. I dreamt that very dream last night Infact. So I think you did right to tell him, if you didn’t you would be carrying it around with you and it’s definitely a burden.

As for me I shall take what I did to the grave with me. No good would come of telling him, I know he’s be upset. So I shall carry my guilt around for the forseeable.

MareMeva · 07/06/2019 23:12

I cheated on a partner in the early stages of our relationship, which he found out much much later by accidentally seeing my diary. (Honest accident, not snooping). He was understandably very hurt, but our relationship was good at that moment and we just left it to simmer down and eventually carried on. You know it was a mistake to tell him, but you did, now leave it alone and do what you can to take care of yourself so you can get over your anxiety and think rationally. Don’t worry about those who say you are making it about you and not thinking about the baby. Baby needs to be born to a mama who is calm and can take care of it, you and your relationship with dad is the most important for baby now. Take care of yourself.

BatShite · 07/06/2019 23:12

,shes threatening the man.If he doesnt accept it shes terminating

I don't read it as threatening him at all? She hasn't even said it to him, she said she wants to say it. I honestly read it more in a 'if you no longer want me or the baby I will do what you want' type way. Especially given shes stressing that he might feel trapped or whatever because of her confession.

sheshootssheimplores · 07/06/2019 23:12

*dating

crazyasafox · 07/06/2019 23:12

@dustarr73

Not only has ohlordielord cheated twice, shes threatening the man. If he doesn't accept it shes terminating..That's so fucking wrong.

Blimey I missed THAT bit!!!

This just goes from bad to worse. The poor man. I feel so sorry for him. Sad

Mabellavender · 07/06/2019 23:15

I do tr honk it’s that bad really, once at the beginning and once while dating? I don’t know what dating means to you but to me it means before you were serious? Living together etc?

Gid knows why you’ve told him now but what’s done is done! Hopefully he’ll get over it x

Jonette · 07/06/2019 23:16

Yes, the OP is telling him that if doesn't accept her cheating she'll abort. He would be best placed to walk away.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 07/06/2019 23:16

You have literally told him you cheated on him TWICE at the start of your relationship, remained silent and NOW decide it's the time to tell him. I get your anxious and it's made you want to talk, but where was your conscious all this time? Do you not see how hurt he may be feeling right now that you gave him good news and then told him you cheated on him.

Yet, here you are screaming "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" do you not realise how selfish you are being? Regardless of you being pregnant, get over yourself, right now what you have said to him is NOT about you, he needs to process this.

How would you feel if he just now told you that he cheated on you twice and thought now you're pregnant it's a good time to tell you?

Here's hoping you both can see this through for the sake of this child, but I would suggest you don't go making it all about yourself otherwise you'll make yourself look like a selfish cheat, and that's not a good look. Pregnancy isn't an excuse to be insensitive.

justasking111 · 07/06/2019 23:17

Many people have secrets they ought to take to the grave but are unable to. Me I am keeping them. Would be used as a stick to beat me.

wildcherries · 07/06/2019 23:17

The double standards on here are astounding at times.

Jonette · 07/06/2019 23:17

Poor guy. He has wasted 4 years on this woman and now she not only reveals that she has treated on him but she's threatening to abort his baby. Fuck.

Mabellavender · 07/06/2019 23:18

The op is not said that at all don’t twist words Confused

julensaor · 07/06/2019 23:19

I feel for you OP in the sense that pregnancy hormones can be an overload of emotions and you can explain to him that it was such early days BUT I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want; this is inexcusable, controlling and if I were him, with this knowledge I would run for the hills.

saraclara · 07/06/2019 23:19

Yep, sorry. That was a hugely selfish and hurtful thing to do to someone. Everything you've posted is about you. You didn't consider his feelings at all.

He did nothing wrong, yet he's the one whose life has just been turned upside down by you.

Shequakes · 07/06/2019 23:19

OP you have told him. It's done now.

But you told him for you. No other reason.

And now you are talking about you. You actually said 'what about me?'.

This needs to not be about you. If you dont get that, the relationship will end.

As for this I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, wether you intend it or not. You might as well say 'well if you dont accept it and stay with me I will get rid of our baby'

While I get that may be your decision rather than be a single parent (andbits entirely valid decision), its emotional black mail. And again about getting what you want.

You need to take a step back and really start thinking about him

simplekindoflife · 07/06/2019 23:19

Sorry OP, but I feel like you couldn't deal with the guilt so you've passed that bad feeling onto him to deal with and share the burden with you, which I think is a bit selfish and cruel. Sometimes telling the kids while truth isn't always in the best interests of others.

Especially in your case where I don't think what you did was that bad as it was such early days. So don't beat yourself up about that.

But it's done now. He's had a lot of information in a short space of time and I think you're going to need to give him a lot time to deal with it all. Hope it all works out Thanks

dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 23:19

@CarolDanvers Im not here to convince you of anything.Im putting my opinion across.

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 23:22

she has treated on him but she's threatening to abort his baby

It’s not his baby. If the relationship is over, she has to decide if she wants to be a single mum. It’s a valid choice and not a stick up beat her with.

Jonette · 07/06/2019 23:22

It's the worst sort of blackmail.
If I was this guy's friend I would tell him to not just walk away, but to run away.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/06/2019 23:22

Poor man. Not sure he can receiver from this.

The double standards are awful. If a man had cheated twice then announced a surprise pregnancy followed by the mention of termination if the cheating couldn't be accepted the responses would be very very different.

Jonette · 07/06/2019 23:22

Well whose baby is it?

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 07/06/2019 23:23

If a man wrote all of this and then started saying WHAT ABOUT ME, he would have been destroyed here. As always, the women get the "you're so lovely, you're so sweet" comments. It's fucking ridiculous.

She's more or less emotionally blackmailing saying she'll terminate if he won't accept, and even now it's all about her. Right now this man was given some wonderful news and has now been told his girlfriend has lied to him for 4 years, and as many people would, he's now going to wonder if she's done it more than twice.

I feel for this poor man, and OP your self pity is nauseating.

saraclara · 07/06/2019 23:23

In my shoes would you be willing to have stomach churning anxiety and swirling thoughts?

I wonder just how much his stomach is churning right now, and how much his thoughts are swirling. But he doesn''t get to choose how to make that better. No - he gets the threat of his child being aborted if he doesn't just get over it.

CarolDanvers · 07/06/2019 23:23

Oh shut up Jonette Hmm

dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 23:24

The op is not said that at all don’t twist words I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination,

I beg to differ.Its right there