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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and did something insane

279 replies

ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 21:58

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore but my anxiety is through the roof, I am being eaten away by guilt like a worm in my soul. Found out I was pregnant & initially was very happy and told DP straight away and he was very happy too. Then I was hit with a wave of anxiety over it all and specifically from a memory of something that I did right at the start of mine and DP’s relationship 4 years ago (very regrettable one night stand) and another one night stand with someone else when we were in dating phase. I never told him and buried it. But with the pregnancy it’s all resurfaced and I’m not sure why but I guess from the sense we were about to embark on such a huge emotional journey, I felt I couldn’t do it without telling him the truth. I told him yesterday evening and he went out. Back now but hasn’t mentioned it but being very terse. Please don’t berate me, I know my behaviour was abominable and abominable of me to rake it all up now but I wouldn’t have done it if my anxiety levels weren’t sky high. I feel terrible and guilty and like he thinks I have trapped him with this pregnancy (which was unplanned) - I want to say to him now that if he wants to never see me again I will have a termination, though that’s not what I want. But I fee like my gut is turning and I’m not functioning well at the moment. Please somebody say something kind because I don’t think I can speak to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Itssosunny · 07/06/2019 23:24

but I was hardly cheating on my husband or long term partner

Then what was the point of telling him about it?

Scarlettmaid · 07/06/2019 23:24

Why did you tell him about the ONS with the first guy, since you had only been on a few dates?
Why would you feel the need to tell him that?
Look I have OCD, the type which comes with confessions as compulsions. I know too much how hard it is to sit with the guilt and utter panic you feel when you need to confess.
I am not suggesting you have OCD yourself, but it is an anxiety disorder, and mine certainly got way worse with pregnancy hormones.
Objectively, it would have been better not to tell him, but it's done. At least he found out from you.
The comment about terminating your pregnancy is uncomfortable to read.
It can be seen as emotional blackmail.
I would imagine that your partner will want to be part of the baby's life no matter what, break up or not.

I agree with PP's that he needs time. He may need you to listen to his anger and to accept it. He has only just found out, and yes it was horrible timing from his point of view.
I do feel for him, it is awful.
I hope it works out for all of you.

Shequakes · 07/06/2019 23:25

PurpleDaisies not his baby?

Yes it is. The decision to terminate is hers. But the baby is also his

Are you ok with men not having anything to do with their partners pregnancy? Cause the baby isnt theirs yet?

Or what if someone has a miscarriage. Do you believe its not the mans as well so he has not right to be upset.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 23:26

“Whose baby is it”? Have you actually read my post? I had sex once with someone else FOUR years ago when I barely knew DP. Yes, I will stick up for myself here. I’ve already acknowledged my mistake, doesn’t mean I’m going to accept people saying I’m a nasty cheating whore.

OP posts:
MareMeva · 07/06/2019 23:27

Wow, a first time pregnant woman, emotional wreck, has turned to Mumsnet, famed for frank opinions and good Advice for a bit of support and has been met with a tidal wave of hate. Crikey. I’ll think twice about asking for help here in the future. If she has any sense she’ll have logged off by now and you can fight it out amongst yourselves.

Jonette · 07/06/2019 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 23:30

@PurpleDaisies It’s not his baby. If the relationship is over, she has to decide if she wants to be a single mum. It’s a valid choice and not a stick up beat her with

Of course its his baby,and if shes a single mother its done to her.She cheated.For fucking once women should take responsability for their actions.

Jonette · 07/06/2019 23:30

No-one has called you a whore. You're the only one who has called yourself a whore.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 07/06/2019 23:32

doesn’t mean I’m going to accept people saying I’m a nasty cheating whore.

No one has called you that, stop overreacting. Hmm

dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 23:32

@MareMeva Newsfalsh Shes not the victim here.
“Whose baby is it”? Have you actually read my post? I had sex once with someone else FOUR years ago when I barely knew DP. Yes, I will stick up for myself here. I’ve already acknowledged my mistake, doesn’t mean I’m going to accept people saying I’m a nasty cheating whore
Then why the fuck tell him.And you said it was twice..

AnyOldPrion · 07/06/2019 23:32

If he leaves, will you want a termination or would you like / feel able to raise this child on your own?

Make your decision about that based on what you want, not on what you think he wants to hear. But if I were you, I would want to know I could manage as a single parent and personally, if he’s said he thinks you’ve trapped him, I’d want to prove that wasn’t the case and I wouldn’t have the baby if I couldn’t afford it without his financial assistance.

Are you able to think practically? You’ve fucked up, but the world won’t end and it will be alright in a while, one way or another.

Fingers crossed he’ll choose to stay and he’ll get over it. Honesty possibly wasn’t the best policy here, but it’s done now and at least it’s out in the open.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 07/06/2019 23:34

@MareMeva Give over with that nonsense, she's in the wrong.

LUFC · 07/06/2019 23:34

During the early part of my relationship, my girlfriend (Now Wife) cheated on me twice. The first time was after being together for approx 1 month, she went on holiday with a friend which was already booked before we got together so i told her to still go on the holiday. She admitted to me she had kissed a guy whilst on holiday but says nothing else happened there, i had to accept she was being truthful and move forward.

About 6 months later, my girlfriend went out to her usual pub drinking with friends, she caught a taxi to a nightclub with her friend and another guy, during the taxi journey my girlfriend gave the guy a BJ but remembered nothing of it until her friend rang her the following morning to tell her, whilst i was lay next to my girlfriend in bed so i heard the full conversation. My girlfriend told me i could leave the relationship, but i decided to work on things. I told my girlfriend she must stop visiting the pub, change her friend network, and we start afresh, a few months later my girlfriend became pregnant, this was a good thing and probably saved our relationship.

10 years later we are still together, married with two children and another on the way. We have our ups and downs like any married couple, but we always stick together.

The bottom line is, if you love each other enough your relationship can get through any obstacle.

SandyY2K · 07/06/2019 23:34

FFS, if a man behaved like this, imagine the comments

True. I can only imagine the comments if a couple were just celebrating news of a pregnancy and the DP/DH revealed 2 ONS he had earlier in the relationship.

Therapy could help with your anxiety.

I'd suggest reading the 'just found out' thread on www.survivinginfidelity.com

It will help you get close to understanding how he feels.... nothing in your post indicates that his feelings are really important...it's more about you wanting him to be understanding and for you both to get right back to a happy place.

That would be rugsweeping and will resurface or always be the elephant in the room.

For him, the joy of the pregnancy is now tainted with your cheating...which could also impact on his ability to bond with the baby.

I don't doubt you're not in a good place, but he's not unlikely to want to hear about your pain, which is why therapy is worth looking into....so you can express and talk through your feelings.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 07/06/2019 23:34

OP, i think the poster who said 'whose baby is it' was referring to another poster who said 'the baby is not his'. And that poster who said that was referring to the fact that it's your pregnancy not his if that makes sense. I don't think they were questioning who is the father. I might have muddled the explanation here or misunderstood but oh well.

burnyburny · 07/06/2019 23:36

she caught a taxi to a nightclub with her friend and another guy, during the taxi journey my girlfriend gave the guy a BJ

While her friend was in the same taxi?!

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 07/06/2019 23:38

@LUFC The bottom line is, if you love each other enough your relationship can get through any obstacle

YOU chose to stay with someone that cheated on you, that's your prerogative. Not everyone will accept that sort of deceit no matter how much they may love someone. Saying if you love each other enough is ridiculous, you can love someone a hell of a lot, but love yourself enough to also walk away from a cheat.

There are some things people can overcome, other things they cannot.

IF you truly love one another, you don't cheat and trust is key.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 23:38

Thank you for all those of you who have been kind. I feel I have been a little misunderstood. The first time was not cheating as we weren’t together & the second was a one off mistake, never repeated since. If you prefer to think of me as some cheating, casual abortion having woman with psychopathic tendencies then fine. Feel teary enough as it is.

OP posts:
LUFC · 07/06/2019 23:39

yes

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2019 23:39

I dont understand why you told him. The ons when you were dating isn't any of his business.
And the other one...Well, why tell him now?

I'm sure he will come round but all this could have been avoided

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2019 23:40

The first time was not cheating as we weren’t together & the second was a one off mistake, never repeated since
Exactly, so why tell him?!

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 23:40

Of course its his baby,and if shes a single mother its done to her

She should be forced to continue the pregnancy because he left her?

Scarlettmaid · 07/06/2019 23:40

If the first time was not cheating, why did you tell him at all? To me it sounds like you are finding things to feel guilty about perhaps? Could it be the anxiety talking?

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 07/06/2019 23:41

OP, can you stop the nauseating self pity, please? Even now it's all ME ME ME. No one has branded you as a whore or a serial cheat. What many posters have done is try and show you what may be going on in your partner's mind and how all of this is a shock.

If this is how you're behaving here, I dread to think what you may be like to him. Right now it's not about your feelings, you unloaded all of this on to him to make yourself feel better - it was a selfish thing.

The first part of moving on from this is to accept you were wrong, and be considerate of his feelings. Not once have you displayed any care for him, and if that's how you generally are then maybe he is better off without you.

Original poster
ohlordielord · 07/06/2019 23:41

@ LUFC thanks, good to get a man’s perspective. Your gf giving a BJ when you were first going out and from the sound of it she was blind drunk is not the same as her doing it now she’s your wife. But ofc nasty people on here will try their best to sow seeds of doubt

OP posts: