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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
ooooohbetty · 04/06/2019 10:40

Why does he do it? Because he can. Because he knows when he punishes you for saying something he doesn't like, you'll put up with it. That's fine if you're happy with this and you're happy with your daughter watching and learning that this is how you allow men to treat you. Crack on love.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/06/2019 10:41

When we're ok though he seems really in to the relationship - wants to come over 3/4 nights a week, plans stuff for us to do (he's just booked us a holiday for later this year), he's attentive, brings rounds treats for the kids etc. There's never any sign that's he's not really in to the relationship. Until something like this happens

Join the club of the countless thousands of abuse victims that have fallen into this trap. Abusers can't be vile 100% of the time, it simply wouldn't work. They have to cycle in periods of being nice to keep their victim on the hook. Not only does that keep the victim ensnared but the constant ups and downs, not knowing where you are one day to the next, walking on eggshells for fear of triggering another spell of abuse is highly emotionally damaging in itself. Over time it depletes your self-esteem and emotional resilience and changes your perception of what normal looks like.

Sadly, it seems clear that you are not yet ready to admit to yourself that you are in an abusive relationship. Please don't rule it out of hand. When so many people are trying to tell you the same thing it would be foolish to write them all off as wrong without giving it some serious consideration.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/06/2019 10:47

If he was horrid all the time you’d never stay with him. His not stupid, he realises that to get away with his abuse, he has to counter act it with treats for the kids, holidays for you and being generally lovely.

I had a bf like this. He was soooo attentive, made me feel a million dollars and the luckiest girl alive. Then, when I disagreed with him on something, or pulled him up on his behaviour he’d give me the silent treatment for ages. It’s textbook I’m afraid

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/06/2019 10:49

So he knows you are a bit insecure, and his answer to this is to do something to make you feel more insecure Confused would you do that to someone you love

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 10:50

To be honest I'm feeling pretty upset after reading all these replies. Never in a million years would I consider this abuse

OP posts:
cheeserolls · 04/06/2019 10:53

@Sausageroll123

Some of the comments are very direct and that's because when you've been there and can see stuff happening to other people it's easy to get animated about it.

It's harsh on you though it's the first time you've described this stuff.

The first time my marriage was described as abusive felt horrific.

Do you have some non internet support around you?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 10:55

It is abuse. You are also complicit in his abuse. 30 minutes knocking at his door while he ignored you? Really?

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 10:55

Why would you not think it was abuse. You tell him you're unhappy about something. Something it's wholly reasonable to be unhappy about. And he then ignores you and gives you the Silent treatment till you're the one begging forgiveness.

It's abusive it's controlling and he's making it clear to you you can't tell him when he does something wrong, your feelings are irrelevant. And if you make out otherwise he will punish you. The clear result will be you stop doing it. You just shut up and put up, because you know what will happen when you do say something.

How can you not see it as abusive? A normal relationship you talk about these things, agree a way forward. Not this shit.

Orbison · 04/06/2019 10:56

This will mess with your mental health, op. You're wondering
why he can't communicate and if only you could find the magic
words to 'help' him then everything would be ok again.
See how it's become your problem?
You're now trained in the subtle art of walking on eggshells.
There's no cure - just get rid.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 11:02

Jesus, I've just read that. Now he's ignoring your child??.

That's beyond the pale.

And you went round there and knocked for thirty mins and humiliated yourself and he didn't answer?

He pretends to be asleep if you want to watch something on tv he does not? Doesn't like your friends?

And when he eventually seems to talk to you whatever shitty little thing he's done is never mentioned again, so your punishment ended?

It seems even your daughter can see this relarionship better than you.

Stop humiliating youtself like this. Talking him round to be with you after he's punished you for mentioning his wrong doing.

End this. End it now. Model a better relarionship for your child. She's clearly looking at you and wondering what that actual fuck.

Listen to her, change the Netflix password. Don't go round there humiliating youtself like this.

Sloppychops · 04/06/2019 11:10

Am cringing reading this as it sounds a lot like my relationship. Some of the replies have been very eye opening.

Jiggles101 · 04/06/2019 11:18

Agree this is a terrible example to be setting your 13 year old. She'll be watching closely to see what you do next, whether you sweep this under the carpet yet again. What a great message for her it would be if you were to say 'it isn't ok to ignore people you're supposed to love so I will be ending things with x as we deserve better than that'

It may not be abuse in the traditional sense but it is absolutely abusive behaviour and is highly likely to escalate.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 12:21

Again, thank you for all your replies. Now on day 2 of the silent treatment. Am at work feeling really upset

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/06/2019 12:24

Ah well keep waiting OP eventually he will forgive you (again)

Hp737 · 04/06/2019 12:26

OP I am in a very similar boat but I am 2 months from our wedding. Get out before you commit anymore, I’m in contact with women’s aid and have a thread on here, but the thought of cancelling my wedding etc makes this all so much more devastating and you are lucky you haven’t got this far down the road because in all the time I have been with him this has got worse. I kept thinking he’s not abusive, it’s a communication issue, nobody’s perfect etc but I am now a boiled frog and I can’t do anything except get out. I know it’s a shock to hear this is abuse. I was crying on the phone to women’s aid yesterday as they said my fiancé sounds abusive and they told me I should get out for me and my dd. I have given him so many chances. He is not fixable. Your partner is an adult male and this is who he is. He is not fixable. Even if he was lovely 90% of the time it’s 10% of shit and this will eat at you. I have no confidence, self esteem, optimism left. Please believe what people are telling you.

justasking111 · 04/06/2019 12:29

@Hp737

He is not fixable

Exactly. Some people men and women are broken and beyond repair.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2019 12:30

Now on day 2 of the silent treatment. Am at work feeling really upset

Why are you putting up with this bollocks? Take control, get bloody angry and dump him. You don't have to put up with being treated like this.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 12:30

@Hp737 Hi, can I ask why your situation is the same as mine, is it because he just ignores you when you say something he doesn't like? What caused you to ring Women's Aid? I had the understanding that was for abusive relationships which I wouldn't say mine is, he just gets the massive hump sometimes. I'm so confused Confused

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/06/2019 12:34

It is bloody abusive as you have been told time and time again on this thread... read back

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 12:36

I had the understanding that was for abusive relationships which I wouldn't say mine is

I honestly don't know how you don't see it. Many people have explained it on here. He doesn't just get the massive hump sometimes. He gets the massive hump of you dare to tell him he did wrong. And punishes uou for it. And even punishes your child. And you beg him to forgive you and never mention it again.

Hp737 · 04/06/2019 12:37

@sausageroll123 if you have time check out the OP on my thread “please help me leave/do something”. The last straw for me was my dp ruining yet another day by getting in a sulk when I disagreed with something he did re (my) dd. He orchestrated a massive sulk, it’s hapoened to us countless times and has ruined days out, holidays, weekends, evenings. We live together so he can’t go awol for days but he ignores me and dd and is nasty and turns it round on me.
I rang women’s aid helpline because I needed someone to tell me that despite not hitting me, despite not telling me what to wear or who to see, that the anxiety I get from his treatment and the way he makes me beg for his attention, is not normal. They said it is controlling behaviour and will get worse. You can already start to spot patterns. Really think about this side of him it can’t be that he’s otherwise perfect? My fiancé started off just getting moody when I called him out on something, now he gets moody/threatens to leave me/sneers at me crying/is overtly nasty. He has definitely got worse. He is PUNISHING you.

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 12:54

What are you going to do now you're on Day 2 of this latest round of silent treatment?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 12:54

@Hp737 He's never ruined days out by being moody, or anything remotely like that, just ignores me if I say something he's done that's upset me. I guess that's why I've never thought of it has abusive, as there's no extra things to go with it. If that makes sense Confused

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 12:55

You're focusing on the silent treatment, and glossing over the fact that he trawls the internet for semi-naked photo's of women, and then "likes" them, knowing full well that you will see that and be upset.

When he goes silent for days, I'd be AMAZED if he isn't contacting or meeting other women. And if you ever found out, he could just do a Ross on you.

He left you on the doorstep for 30 minutes? What if it had been an emergency? I wouldn't leave my dog outside for 30 minutes, if she was wanting inside.

Don't contact him. Don't you think it's time to see how long he will let this run? A week, a month?

I'd also get thee to a Charity shop, buy a pair of size 12 men's boots and leave them on the front step. If and when he comes knocking, don't answer the door.

I'm so angry reading this. Where is your rage?

Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 12:59

I guess that's why I've never thought of it has abusive, as there's no extra things to go with it

Yes there is:

  1. Ignoring your daughter
  2. Closing his eyes all night if he hasn't selected the programme
  3. Trawling the internet for naked photo's of other women
  4. Never apologising
  5. Treating you like shit

This ^ is just from the snippets you've told us.

I'd wager that when he comes to yours, you provide the food and drink?

He must be hung like a Donkey.

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