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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 13:00

@Huskylover1 You're right about the food, he'll have dinner at mine about 3 nights a week, and when he does stay over he eats quite a lot of (my) snacks in the evening. Occasionally he'll pop to the shop on the way over and grab something though

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/06/2019 13:02

He really is a prince if he grabs something from the shop. You must be so grateful when he does that.

Hp737 · 04/06/2019 13:02

@sausageroll123 so if you guys were out or on holiday and you said something he didn’t like what would he do? Storm off? Go home? I don’t quite understand how his behaviour is different?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 13:05

@Hp737 It's never come up when we've been out etc. We don't get much chance to go out cos of the kids. When we do go out, we don't argue x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 13:09

When I look at the Women's Aid website it all seems to be about how to escape an abuser etc, it seems a bit extreme for me to ring them about my partner having an odd wobble now and again Sad

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/06/2019 13:12

What have you got to lose by phoning them sausage.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2019 13:14

It's not an 'odd wobble'
He's abusing you.
We've all told you this and Womens Aid can help to confirm that.
And you DO need to escape from him.
Keep him gone.
Concentrate on you and your DC and leave him to himself.
If you can do that then you probably don't need WA.
But as you are still not open to this being abuse, WA will help to clear that up for you.
If you google 'Gaslighting abuse' you'll see it's one of the worst forms of abuse and control.
Also google 'cycle of abuse'
Look into FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)
Also look at co-dependency
I've no idea what you learnt about relationships growing up, but none of this OK.

Hp737 · 04/06/2019 13:16

Why should he even be having these wobbles? Maybe if you cheated on him or if something fundamentally bad happened but tbh disagreeing is part of adult life. How can you think this is not a thing? Is it proportionate to say your relationship isn’t working because you have differences of opinion? What if you have kids together and disagree on a parenting issue?

justasking111 · 04/06/2019 13:17

If you and your daughter had bruises to show the world sausage would you feel differently. Well you do have bruises just not visible for others to see. You do not have to apply make up your colleagues cannot see, split lip, black eyes. Is that what it would take for you to listen to folk on here.

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 13:18

it seems a bit extreme for me to ring

How about ringing woman's aid (may take a while to get through) tell them all of what you have told us and see what they say.

By all means mention that the behaviour has been called abusive and you would like to check it out.

I would encourage you to do this before you have closer ties and have had your confidence and self esteem ground down.

It would be interesting to know where you learned that you should propitiate people who withdraw their affection from you , rather than calling them out on it.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 13:25

I guess I feel it would be extreme contacting them because there are so many women who are properly being abused that need their help. He's never shouted at me, laid a finger on me, tried to stop me from doing something... We just have these incidents of silent treatment about once every 4 ish months. The rest of the time we're ok

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 13:25

So he eats for free, 3 times per week? Nice gig if you can get it.

Please DO NOT contact this joker.

Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 13:28

Depends if you can live like this forever? The next logical step would be to move in together. What then? Will he go AWOL 3 times a year? Or will he be in your house, ignoring you for weeks on end?

And you're still glossing over his trawling the net for seedy photo's.

How old is he? I bet he's never had a long term relationship before.

OrianaBanana · 04/06/2019 13:31

If he was genuinely upset at what you’d said/the argument, or for whatever reason, and he wanted a bit of space to himself, he could a) say that and b) sort it out like an adult with you afterwards. Ignoring someone, and their kid who has done nothing, then watching that person begging for days (great for his ego!) and then ignoring the whole issue is teaching you to let him get away with things you aren’t comfortable with and as PPs have said, it will only get worse until you are on eggshells the whole time. Call him out on it, see what he says.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 13:32

@Huskylover1 we don't currently have any plans to move in together. There's no room at my house for him and his child, and he moved back in with his mum after the break up from the mother of his child.

From what he's told me, he's only ever had 3 proper relationships, mine included, and none have lasted longer than 2 years he's early 30's

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/06/2019 13:35

Lives with mum cannot hold onto a relationship, sheesh you won first prize there.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 13:35

238 posts, all telling you that this is abusive behaviour. Have you ever heard of coercive control. That's what he's doing to you. Not all abuse is about domestic violence. He ignores you and your daughter. You beg and plead, then he talks to you again.
Once again, YOU can't change his behaviour, he is quietly forcing you to alter your behaviour. You'll soon stop telling him when he's upset you because you don't want the silences. Soon it will happen more than every 3/4 months. Before long you'll be watching every word you say in case it upsets him.

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 13:40

How would you feel if your lovely daughter found a partner who was mostly nice, but would not tolerate any criticism of his conduct from her ?

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 04/06/2019 13:42

OP, you have a teenage daughter so I presume there are times she pushes you to your limit and you need time away / not to talk to her.
Would you ignore her for a day or 2?
I'm guessing no, so ask yourself why? If you're a decent person it'll be because that would be emotional torture and a punishment to your child.

That is what he does to you. He punishes you for bringing up things which upset you.

This is going to sound harsh because I think you're very slowly opening your eyes to what's going on but YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER IS TELLING YOU TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
She is watching this relationship and is telling you this isn't good enough.

You shouldn't be telling her it's ok that he's ignoring her because he's upset. You should be agreeing with her that he's being a bastard and neither of you deserve it.

FGS stop begging / visiting / messaging / calling.
Change the Netflix password.
Make plans for yourself and your dc this weekend.
Block him if needs be
Set an unbreakable boundary between the behaviour you will and won't accept - you don't accept a partner who likes naked women pics online, being ignored because you said so, having your DD ignored, having a man who refuses to apologise, who punishes you.

T2705 · 04/06/2019 13:46

What Huskylover said.

My ex husband was EXACTLY like this. If he did something wrong and we argued he would be the one that ended up ignoring me. Instead of getting out of the relationship I just put up with it - in the beginning, just like you, I would calm down and then keep talking at him until he decided to talk back and everything would be ok until the next episode.

I put it down to a difference in communication - he never really used to argue back with me, just go quiet. I used to justify it to people that I was a "lose my temper, shout and then calm down" type of person and he was not, he was just a "sulker" thats all. He just couldn't deal with confrontation. He did not like arguing. He felt guilty because he had upset me (yes I really did use that excuse once) And it didn't happen very often at all so it was ok - then odd occasions he did it, I dealt with it, we were generally good in loads of other ways, it wasn't the biggest deal in the world, I mean, its not like he was hitting me or anything right?

As anyone here who has been in a similar kind of relationship can tell you, it obviously did not just end there though did it? The sulks got more frequent. He would engineer an argument so that he could sulk and not go on planned days out etc. Lots of other sulky related behaviour crept in over the years too. But thats a whole other story.

Interestingly, after a few years (when I was still with him instead of having kicked his ass to the curb) I started ignoring him right back. When he realised that I was not going to back down like usual, he would then walk round like an injured puppy, giving me puppy dog eyes and waiting for me to start talking to him again all without talking to me first.

All I can say is I wasted 16 years of my life in this relationship, all those times during the first couple of years I made excuses for him I should have just got out then and saved myself years of misery. Whether you agree he is abusive or not (he is) do you actually want to go round in these circles every few months for the next however many years?

OneFootintheRave · 04/06/2019 13:53

So what's likely to happen next OP? Will he suddenly get in contact and act like nothing happened? Or will you keep messaging and eventually he replies but the incident is never mentioned again? Rather than just hanging around in limbo, why not just message him NOW and say, "you're right, it's not working". Or if he does pop back up say, "so what the hell is with this ridiculous behaviour"?

Would he appreciate you liking pictures of chiselled hunks online?
I'd deffo change the Netflix password too GrinGrin

Come on OP! Stand up to this. Shift the balance of power and challenge him. You will not regret it Smile

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 13:58

@OneFootintheRave I'm not sure what happens now as I've always text him until he starts talking again

I got back from holiday with my kids yesterday so I've not seen him for a week and he still does this Confused

OP posts:
Westiegirl3 · 04/06/2019 14:00

Everyone has offered you so much advise, please take their wise words on board and ditch this awful abuser of a man

Huskylover1 · 04/06/2019 14:00

Change the Netflix password. Make a big night of tomorrow, watching Black Mirror with DD. Pig out on Pizza/your fave food. Have some wine. Imagine his sorry ass at home, unable to watch it, because he piggy backs his girlfriends Netflix account, rather than having his own account. Loser! Bet he doesn't pay half of the Netflix subscription?

He'll be at home wanking over Instagram Pics anyway. You are well rid.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 14:02

@Huskylover1 Thank you, that Instagram comment made me laugh

Yes have changed the Netflix password (no he doesn't contribute). I've also just changed my Sky password as he can access that from his too. And cancelled BT Sport, which I got for him last year

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