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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 09:43

@Rosielily he has my password so can watch it at his house

@FinallyHere we're able to have discussions about other things without it ending up like this, it's only when the discussion is about something he's done that's upset me that the silent treatment happens

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 09:45

He also doesn't ever do things with me and my friends, I go on my own. I think he's been to one event them.

Very few people want a joined at the hip partner who doesn't allow you space to socialise with your friends; however that is extreme and, to me, shows a lack of commitment and strong interest in you and the relationship.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/06/2019 09:47

Your daughter can see that he's being abusive.
Do you really want to give your children the message that this is how a normal, loving relationship is? Because it isn't!
You'll make up this time, eventually he'll move in and the control will get worse.
He sulks if you put something on tv that you want to watch and he doesn't?
He doesn't have anything to do with your friends? Eventually, you'll stop seeing your friends because its not worth the sulking afterwards.
Been there, done it for 15 years, got out 13 years ago

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/06/2019 09:50

I'm not going to contact him now, which is what he won't be expecting, and see what happens. He's incredibly stubborn so I can imagine he'll carry it on for as long as he can until he thinks I'll crack!

This implies you are holding on to the hope that you can change him. Honestly, the consensus of expert opinions on abusers suggest that is extremely unlikely. When you find yourself in a cage with a tiger it makes much more sense to get out the cage rather than try and persuade the tiger to turn vegan.

If it hasn't been suggested already, I urge you to invest some time in reading Why Does He do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will do a great deal to help you understand the situation you are in.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 09:57

Whether he's an abuser or not; I don't think he actually sounds too bothered. I think you're way more invested and committed than he is. He's willing to take the risk, repeatedly that you don't keep contacting him - that you end it. Has it occurred to you that maybe he'd just let it end if you didn't chase it, and that maybe at some level he's ok with that, and it would be a solution for him. (A solution to the fact that he's treading water, doesn't really really care)?

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 09:58

Change that password and use this as your starting point from breaking away from him and his abuse. Mute him on texts, messenger, WhatsApp etc until such time as you are ready to engage with him. And then tell him to do one.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/06/2019 09:59

change the password OP, and then dump him.

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 10:00

when the discussion is about something he's done that's upset me that the silent treatment happens

Has his reaction to seeing you upset been to sulk, so that you recover from your upset and start to beg him to accept you again?

Could that be a pattern ?

Does he ever admit that is why he dies it? That he has sulked to bring you back in line?

Can you see what a powerful tool that would be for him, especially if he claims that it is all your fault for getting upset?

You might be coming at this from the viewpoint of a decent human being, who would like to give & get love in a relationship so that you are puzzled when sometimes he acts out of character with that.

Imagine for a minute (best with me here) that you are someone looking to control and abuse someone. How would you go about it? If you are horrible all.the.time no one would ever fall for you. You have to start lovely, infact you might provide exactly what the other person wants so they are very happy to have found you. Just occasionally, they do something that you don't like, and then you train them to not do that again.

And they typically don't do it, because they want their lovely life back.

When you have got upset, how often does he apologise for upsetting you and take your point of view on board, or agree to differ?

So sorry

cheeserolls · 04/06/2019 10:02

This was the pattern with my now exH.

Amazing kind helpful all the things you say until things didn't go his way then I'd get the silent thing that I'd have to get him out of. The more I did it the harder it was.
I'd say this behaviour is likely to progress to other unpleasantness overtime once he's got you locked in, as it were.

The fact that he pretends nothing happened when he decides to get over it worries me. Healthy relationship would involve a chat and an apology perhaps

Does your partner say sorry at any point?

Try and discuss it with him. His reaction will give you the answer about your relationship.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 10:06

He sounds indifferent/ambivalent enough to let it end. There's a possibility he stays in it because you chase it, it's convenient, there nothing 'better' on his plate, it's better than nothing ... when you get upset about something he just gives you the cold shoulder/cuts you off - takes the timeout without any apparent discomfort/upset and doesn't approach you for reconciliation, you do it. Honestly I just don't think he cares or is invested to the level you are. That means you need to end it or not care much.

Also that's pretty heartless behaviour towards your daughter. Maybe he thought you got her to do it,band viewed it as manipulative .. but even at that: very shitty.

Fwiw - your daughter shouldn't be in that position, she shouldn't have been able to contact him independently. From now on, disable her ability to independently contact him or any future partner. You have to be that strict/careful, I'm afraid.

My sister let her son have a guy's no, and vice versa; when she ended the relationship he became increasingly bitter, nasty and malicious and ended up texting her teenage son about their sexual contact and her sexual performance. Children shouldn't have independent contact with non resident partners.

TheRedBarrows · 04/06/2019 10:07

“He never pisses me off normally, only when he does the silent act”

But that isn’t true. He pisses you off when he gawps fawningly over semi naked women.

You chasing him and ‘talking him round’ sends a message, to his way of thinking, that he was in the right and you are submissively wheedling him back, your jugular exposed, classic low status behaviour. Observe how dogs do this.

He does it because it validated his behaviour.

If something upsets you you have a right to voice it.

Do not contact him at all when he does this.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 10:10

No he never apologises. This episode will be all my fault as there is nothing wrong with liking photos of other women's backsides. I explained that it had upset me as he knows I'm a bit insecure, to which he then changed the subject to how I don't make enough effort with his child. I of course respond, then the silent treatment starts.

Last time this happened, once we were ok again, I asked him why he goes silent and he simply said because he didn't want to talk to me

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 04/06/2019 10:13

He’s training you to do as your told, not question him and be submissive. You can accept it and keep trying to make nice when he punishes you or you can say if that’s the way you feel fuck off then.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2019 10:14

Wow - he's a manipulative little shit isn't he!?
HE upsets you by being a sleaze.
And it's your fault because of how you treat his daughter!?
WOW - he's good I'll give him that.
Stop falling for it.
He's an abusive prick!

ooooohbetty · 04/06/2019 10:20

He's right, it's not working. Because he is a prick. And you're setting a terrible example to your daughter.

gamerchick · 04/06/2019 10:21

My youngest is 5 so doesn't know anything. My eldest is 13. After she told me he wasn't replying to her texts yesterday, I explained that he seems to be upset for some reason, he doesn't want to talk to me, and reassured her it's nothing to do with her. She's known he's done this before so once I'd explained she seemed ok

You defended this dick to your daughter who is learning about relationships from her mother. Is this the sort of bloke you want her to end up with?

If you want him to get in touch, change your Netflix password as she's suggested. Eventually you might see the light and dump his arse.

cheeserolls · 04/06/2019 10:22

If your description of your family set up had been different if think you my ex's new partner.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Think about what you want in the next few years, role model to your daughter about what kind of treatment is 'acceptable' to a woman from a man.

You sound lovely and deserve more. Take care Wine

Surfingtheweb · 04/06/2019 10:24

I read the other day "instead of asking why does he do this? Ask why do I let him?" It really made me think differently.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/06/2019 10:25

OP he does it because he's not that bothered about the relationship. He may carry on with it if you pester him enough but his heart isn't in. Why would you lower yourself to being with someone who's only with you because you've brow beaten them into it?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 10:30

When we're ok though he seems really in to the relationship - wants to come over 3/4 nights a week, plans stuff for us to do (he's just booked us a holiday for later this year), he's attentive, brings rounds treats for the kids etc. There's never any sign that's he's not really in to the relationship. Until something like this happens

OP posts:
cheeserolls · 04/06/2019 10:32

I bet you feel such surging relief when he starts talking again everything is sweet for days.... until the next time.

Even now 4 years since I left my ex, many people don't understand why I would leave such a 'wonderful man' 🙈

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 10:36

Well yes, that is how he reels you in

The nice life is your reward for ceasing to question him. Eventually you start to tip toe around him, trying to avoid upsetting him.

Sadly, you can never do that and even more worryingly, his behaviour will escalate the more submissive you are.

Have you had a chance to read the Lundy Bandford book? It really opened my eyes. I had thought that abuse meant a black eye and drinking all his wages so there was no money for food. You may find that one of the profiles fits what you have described pretty closely.

Musti · 04/06/2019 10:36

That vile arrogant prick not only treats you with such little respect as to give you the silent treatment and have you knocking on his door for 30 minutes but also ignores your child???? Wow, give your head a wobble, dump his arse, explain to your daughter that his behaviour is unacceptable and never ever be in a situation where your walking on eggshells and accepting crumbs from a man!!

Musti · 04/06/2019 10:37

*You're