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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 04/06/2019 07:58

Step 1 - don't text/chase him. Step 2 - don't welcome him back with open arms when he decides the silent treatment is over. Even better, when he does make contact, tell him you've been doing a lot of thinking while he's been away, and you've had enough so it's over. No long explanations, just 'this isn't working for me so it's best we end it here'. You said it yourself - you're tired of this.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/06/2019 08:01

I guess what you need to think back over, is whether he's lovely when you're not trotting along beside him obediently - when you want something different, or can't put him first. Look for patterns, see if you see any.

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 08:03

He's always lovely, never any problems, then just now and again this happens.

But he ISN'T always lovely, and there are problems. His silent treatment is a regular pattern of controlling and abusive behaviour. You've taken the first step by deciding to leave him to it; make that a permanent solution and walk away.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 08:06

I don't see any patterns really. The only other thing that might be classed as odd is if we're watching TV and I put on something he doesn't want to watch then he gets the slight hump and goes to sleep (well rests his eyes for the whole evening). He also doesn't ever do things with me and my friends, I go on my own. I think he's been to one event them.
But none of that is abusive, so no I don't see any patterns

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/06/2019 08:09

He makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, we have the same interests, he's brilliant with my kids, I'm very attracted to him, helps me any time I need it...

As long as he’s not giving you the silent treatment

he‘s not abusive

Giving someone the silent treatment is a well documented abusive technique

hes not responding to my daughters text messages

You are teaching your dd to accept this behaviour from a man

Please op, knock it on the head - and this comes from someone who’s dh (now ex dh) used to do this. Trust me, if you move in and merge your families more, it will get worse

thesunwillout · 04/06/2019 08:11

He's a silly child who sulks when he doesn't get what he wants.
So he sulks and you creep round him till he allows you to be his friend again.

Op, it's quite pathetic, hopefully you'll dump him.
Or you can post about it again, and get the same responses.

He sounds rude and very very entitled.

R4ch4el · 04/06/2019 08:13

It can be really tough to walk away from a toxic relationship but you will thank yourself for it in the end. Not totally the same but I was with someone for around a year who would just pick me up and drop me whenever he wanted, I would always go after him because I was ‘in love’. The pride I felt (and still do 10 yeas on) when I regained my self respect and walked away was so much more satisfying than anything I got from that relationship. After that I vowed never to disrespect myself again by being with someone who treated me badly. I’m now married to the most wonderful man and understand now that what I felt back then wasn’t love at all, just infatuation.
It’s about self- respect, don’t let yourself become the victim, regain control of your own life. Good luck OP.

Raindropsonroses27 · 04/06/2019 08:14

The best thing you can possibly do is return his silent treatment. He is wanting you to beg and harass him into talking again, it's making him feel powerful. You're not unreasonable to dislike him liking a semi naked pic on fb and have every right to call him out on it. If he decides to behave so immaturely then please don't backtrack and beg him to talk to you again. It's really demeaning for you and it's playing right into his hands.

You stick to your guns and he'll be the one running back trust me x

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 08:14

The silent treatment is a pattern. An emotionally abusive pattern which is now being extended towards your 13 year old daughter.

RestingBitchFaced · 04/06/2019 08:19

Why is he doing this? Because you are letting him! Stop chasing him, and begging him to take you back. Have some respect for yourself. You have had some good advice on here, but are choosing to ignore it all so this will never change

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 08:22

I'm not choosing to ignore any advice! This is the first time I've ever opened up about this so for me it's no end of help to hear what people are saying.
I'm not going to contact him now, which is what he won't be expecting, and see what happens. He's incredibly stubborn so I can imagine he'll carry it on for as long as he can until he thinks I'll crack!

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 08:30

The very worst thing you are doing here @Sausageroll123 is you are condoning his abusive behaviour towards your 13 year old daughter. Because that's what this is your daughter is learning that a man can treat his partner like a pice of SHIT, he can ignore her for days, refuse to answer the door for 30 minutes. But she'll still crawl back to him on her hands and knees and beg for his attention because she has so little self esteem or self respect. You place no value on yourself, you think you should be grateful for this arsehole's attention and you are excusing his ABUSE of your daughter.

Miniloso · 04/06/2019 08:34

Good, well done OP, and when you feel like you might crumble, think of the open, trusting, loving faces of your two beautiful children. This is what’s helped me to leave an abusive relationship. They are everything to me, I will never ever again allow myself to show them anything disfunctional through my interactions with an abusive man.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 08:35

Just dump him here and now. Tell him you are sick of the silent treatment when you have done nothing wrong and you will no longer be treated like this. If he has any stuff at yours put it in a bin bag and let him know its outside and he can come and collect it but not to bother contacting you again.

If you don't do this, this cycle of abuse will just continue.

You think you are gaining some control by not texting him. No you're not. Your just waiting for him to text so then you can go running back.

Maybe if you dump him you will open up a dialogue, but if he does it one more time you pull the plug on this dead relationship

I'm in a bad mood so I'm being harsh but stop being a fucking mug.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/06/2019 08:37

Just dump his stupid entitled abusive ass

Don't bother with the game playing and silent treatment waiting for the other to crack, how very tedious

Just take back control and tell him to fuck off

Your daughter is 13. Start demonstrating to her how relationships should be conducted.

Needsomebottle · 04/06/2019 08:48

Agree with MrJolly. The far more important people in your life are your children. You've explained to your 13 year old that he is giving you (and subsequently her) the silent treatment because he's "upset".

Kick him in to touch. Set the example. Tell him to do one. Monkey see, monkey do. What you allow to happen here your daughter, at a VERY impressionable age will think is acceptable in a relationship and likely accept for herself.

Would you treat him this way? No. Because it's really fucking unreasonable. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Why does this not apply to him?

Oh, and he ignores you when you challenge him on trivial stuff like this cos he clearly has a massive issue admitting he's ever wrong and saying sorry. My mum does this. I've known her say sorry once in my life and it was the one time I kicked off massively and she could no longer deny she was in the wrong. I'm in my forties and she's never changed. She did this to my dad for years, same as you - every few months or so. Not all the time, and the rest of the time things were great. Guess whaf my brother and I talk about most from out childhood? Mum's sulking. Oh and yeah... I have huge issues with challenging my partner. I saw a counsellor. She believes the two are connected.

For the love of God do this for your daughter, who is me thirty years ago.

LannieDuck · 04/06/2019 08:58

What a nasty, childish thing for someone to do. Have you read jamais' threads about her sulking husband?

If you really don't want to leave him (and I would - I couldn't stay with someone who treated me like dirt), then I think you need to have a conversation about it when he's speaking to you again. Does he acknowledge what he's done and how immature /vindictive it is? Can he explain why he does it? (and why he thinks it's appropriate to do it to a 13 year old??)

I agree with PP - please don't show your children that it's ok for men to treat women this way.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 08:58

Thanks so much everyone. All your replies are so helpful.

It's funny, before my daughter ran out of the door for school this morning she turned to me and said Mum? Black Mirror starts tomorrow, you know how much xxxxxx wants to watch it, change your Netflix password today, that will serve him right!

Now I'm not saying it's good to be petty, or passive aggressive, but I love that my daughter said that and then gave me a cuddle before leaving Thanks

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2019 09:08

Stonewalling abuse is a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.
He does it because it works for him.
He's basically punishing you until you STFU about anything dodgy he might have done.
But you enable it every time.
So why wouldn't he keep doing it?
Stop enabling this abusive asshole and leave him to stew in his crappy mood.
You really don't need this negativity.
And definitely change your Netflix password.
He's a knob-head and the sooner you realise this the better you life will be.

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 09:24

I have no idea how that attachment got there. Not where it came from, didn't recognise it. Apologies, I'll report the post.

Original txt below

no I don't see any patterns

Fair enough, you are the person living through it and we are only going on what we are reading about a stranger on t'internet

Could you give us two examples of times that you have challenged him on anything, one when you had an adult discussion and he came round to you point of view, or at least you agreed to differ and the other when he just sulked til you agreed with him?

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 09:25

Go your daughter 😀

Plipplopbop · 04/06/2019 09:26

I know you've not thought of it as abuse, but now you've heard from people who have been down this road I hope you can see this is not only abuse, it's a classic, well documented abuse technique. No abuser is evil 100% of the time, that's not how it works.
If you want to see how your life with this man will pan out look up and read the 'sulking DH' threads. It seems extreme now but her relationship started with a partner who found communication difficult. Leave while you can do it fast and cleanly.

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 09:29

Black Mirror starts tomorrow, you know how much xxxxxx wants to watch it, change your Netflix password today, that will serve him right!

Does he access your Netflix at his own home? In that case definitely do it! If he only watches Netflix at yours then the more simple solution is to not allow him back to yours.

But, please reassure your daughter that his behaviour in no way acceptable.

MrMagooo · 04/06/2019 09:30

Yip. Dump him and change your Netflix password. What a tosser he is.

I really hope you stop allowing any person to talk to you like this.

Imagine it was your daughter. Would you allow her to ignore you?

Only 2 year olds are allowed to sulk.

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