Why does he do this?

[Sausageroll123]

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

@Sausageroll123 because he can control you by stonewalling you. It feeds his ego. So why your sitting at home wondering how he could be so cold and uncaring, he's delighting in the fact he's still got that power over you yet at the same time he's free to do whatever it is the hell he does with his life.

Could he have used key to change sky Pw again?

@Sausageroll123 How old are you? People can be shit, we don't live in la la land. He might be the first person to treat you like this, so try to make it the last.

I can understand how you feel. You are perplexed by his behaviour. Just accept it and learn and move on.

Please do not let this fool back in your life.

As so many pp's posters have said. You need to send him a message. Tell him how you feel and hiw badly he has behaved and tell him to stop using your sky / call sky and mioce on. Don't say these things expecting him to realise how wrong he is and how much he truly mesded up and how he now loves you more than the moon itself.

Express your feelings
Dump
Block
Ignore
Move on

Until you do you are just dangling YOURSELF on a shitty bit of string.

“Makes me wonder if all the I love you's (up until a few days ago) were just utter crap”

Not utter crap but conditional on you appeasing all his needs and demands. He was rewarding you with his ‘love’ as long as you paid for his TV packages, went on the expensive hol he chose, sit meek while he looks at pics of other women and never ever has to listen to your concerns. And never had to apologise or reflect on his own behaviour in the relationships.

He is toxic and selfish. And the reason he doesn’t pay you the respect of talking properly about the relationship is that he has no respect for you.

He has no respect for you.

Why should he dorms time communicating with you? To him you are a half full takeaway carton that he no longer wants.

I know this is very very hard OP, but you are stuck in a groove expecting him to behave decently when he has not been treating you decently for a long time.

Find your anger. Read the books that have been suggested.

Not sure what is happening wrt the event, but I would text him and formally finish the relationship.

Then tell your older Dd you have dumped him and tell her why: that you do not accept his behaviour as respectful. And tell your little one that you and he are not friends any more.

Do it before the event.To prevent your children being dragged further into this.

We are all here to support you / we do know it is hard to take such an emotional shock and disappointment.

He knows you are going to take him back on HIS terms OP, and he is right.

He has a house key - either just ask for it back, don't worry about it or change the lock.

You are making excuses. There are always things you don't understand with people like this and that is because they are understandable...

Not your fault, not your problem.

As soon as you make that decision you will be OK and able to move on. I promise.

Sorry should read aren't understandable.

OP, all of the things you describe as the normal things to do when ending a relationship - they require effort. He sounds pathological lazy, and frankly it also sounds like he does not consider you worth any effort at all (not even the effort of standing up to answer the door). This does not reflect on your worth; it reflects on him and the utter shitness of his character.

He has you right where he wants you and it’s controlling. It’s all on his terms and he knows now he can behave like that because after days of silent treatment you pander to him. Get rid you don’t need this find someone mature enough who will chat to you xx

He knows you are going to take him back on HIS terms OP, and he is right.

@BumbleBeee69 is spot on. He'll be back at hers by this evening. On his terms.

Please find your anger now. He is running you around in circles and keeps you dangling, putting the issues on you and not owning his pathetic behaviour. And you're still trying to understand. No.

For your own and your daughter's sake, say enough is enough and walk away. Change locks and passwords to everything. If he can still get on Skype, it appears he has sussed your logins.

*get on Sky, not Skype.

Dear Sausages. You are absolutely spot on with all the things you suggest about how decent adults should treat each other.

I am afraid, however, that when he did not treat you well, you not only put up with it, you begged him to 'let you back'. As well as showing you this is who he is, he has now told you openly that he does not want to have to moderate his behaviour in any way.

You can continue to 'not understand' his behaviour but if you think about what he had done rather than what he says, you will see that he is actually being very clear and consistent. He is prepared to be in your life in very specific circumstances, specifically to receive no criticism about anything he does, ever.

It is absolutely up to you now, to decide what you want to do. You can have him back so long as you accept that you must not criticise anything he does ever.

Alternatively, you can decide to let him go.

If you do not tell him your decision, he (and yes, possibly you) may think that you just need some more time before going crawling back to him. The cleaner way would be to block him, change the locks and yes, get him off your Sky account and stop contacting him.

Consider yourself as grieving for what you have lost. Not the man himself, because he turned out to be less than you thought but the life you thought you would have together.

There are stages of grief to be gone through, they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

I think you are still in denial, I hope you get into the later stages soon and make it through to acceptance. You would be setting a very good example for your DDs, helping the. To avoid similar mistakes in future.

There is nothing wrong with you OP. You are a decent human being who wouldn't treat anyone as badly as he's treating you.

I think you need to take some control back

*After 2 years together I hoped you would have the decency and maturity to be able to discuss things.
Your actions have shown me exactly how someone should NOT act within a relationship.
I notice you have been using my sky sports package, as we are no longer together I do not give you permission to continue doing this.
Please advise whether you wish to buy me out of the holiday or vice versa.

Then ring sky and get them to sort it.*

This with bells on it

I had a bf like this and never knew why he'd disappear in a moody silence. At the beginning, I did like you have and contacted him because I was confused and worried but I did find him on a dating site while he was off on one of his silent treatments! I wouldn't be surprised if your bf is too. He always came back making it all about him.

You're spending your time wondering and worrying. Can you imagine if you lived together how awful it would be living like this for you and your DC's? Fuck him and his moods. You're single now. Take him at his word and that's all the closure you need and find yourself a caring, loving man who adores you and treats you with respect - I did.

His answer, he wants to be able to do what he wants without worrying how it might affect someone else

Well that is the very definition of someone who's not capable of a relationship. A decent relationship anyway.

I know people are scared that op will get back with this charmer, but please stop ordering her to do things and hectoring her. She has a lot to absorb and process,band she's trying to do so. Few people can cut off their bf/partner just like that of 2 years with no slips or questions.

Well said morality

If I didn't want to be with someone anymore, I'd properly end things

Yes, you would! Because you know how to behave, and you are decent and know how to treat people with respect. He doesn't. And that is why he is not good enough for you.

While you are sending him good luck emails he is only giving a shit about himself.

Of course you are having trouble understanding his behaviour. Behaving the way he has is alien to you. Because, actually, your standards are higher. He just wants whatever he wants, and your needs are not seeming to be important to him at all. That is not love. Words about love are one thing, but actual love...that's different. 'Love you' only means something if it is accompanied by the actions of love, by the behaviour.

I agree with Morality, I know posters really want to motivate the OP to leave him etc. But she needs gentle advice and support, i believe she is slowly analysing his past behaviour and her eyes are opening. Only in MN world do people think it's possible to just up and leave a relationship in an instant.

Sometimes the 'tough love' that MN dishes out is a little too tough.

OP please remember you are teaching your DC how they let people treat them, they are watching you closely.

I have been through very similar situation when I was a lot younger and I am embarrassed to say I allowed the selfish bastard to control my life for too many years.
This was in the days before mobile phones and Social Media!
(I wish MN had been around in those years because I would have loved to have been told that the relationship was abusive as I had no idea...I was just glad that he did not physically hurt me).

I was a total emotional mess(in my head) the whole time we were together, the only reason I stayed with him was because he was not a violent man and he did not have a bad temper.

But...he liked to do exactly as he pleased!
Whenever he decided to disappear for days or weeks at a time then come back as though nothing had changed.

I had such low self esteem after coming out of a very abusive marriage that I craved the company of a man who was non violent.
Today I suppose the relationship would have been called 'friends with benefits' from his point of view.

It took many years to end the relationship because he could always talk me round and I was easily manipulated.

Letting go of someone who is able to manipulate your life is really hard, heartbreaking, soul destroying especially if you have no one you can talk to and get support from.

It will be really hard to let go of this man but it will get even harder if you let it carry on.

Just remember OP that you are worth so much more and you deserve to be treated with respect.
Put your emotional and physical well being first and do not let him manipulate you and your children' lives anymore.

My heart dropped when I saw your daughter texted him. Why aren’t you protecting her a little more? I hope you told her not to text him anymore and removed and blocked his number from her phone.

Hows it going OP?

My dd's dad took her. I just popped up for the little bit that I had to be there for. I didn't see him, my dd did. She said they waved at each other but that was it.

Oh well there you are done now op.
Onwards and upwards