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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Musti · 07/06/2019 12:44

Hi sausage. Even if you don't go on holiday, tell him you're still going so he doesn't get to take someone else for free. He can either buy it iff you or tell him you're going and you want the tickets. Then just don't turn up. Don't let the bastard keep benefiting from you.

Sausageroll123 · 07/06/2019 12:52

@Janus I've asked - there is no one around to have my 5 year old tomorrow x

OP posts:
Janus · 07/06/2019 13:07

Oh that’s a shame. Could you speak honestly to your child and say something like ‘mummy and x have had a falling out so I won’t be talking to him and he may be off with both of us but stay near me and I’ll look after you’?

Booboooo · 07/06/2019 15:06

Weather for my area (the midlands) is for heavy rain and is expected for most of the UK. Maybe the event will be cancelled or short lived?? Could your daughter maybe go with a friend of the family? Im just worried you'll crack when you see him

thesunwillout · 07/06/2019 18:08

Glad you figured out the password, it is a huge step.
Rain forecast for us tomorrow too, maybe it will mean you won't spend as much time at the event.

PickAChew · 07/06/2019 20:23

Rain in the north, too. Could be the most welcome rain, ever.

Moralitym1n1 · 07/06/2019 20:31

I don't think he's been as calculating about the vacation as some of the PPs - he's assuming he'll still be going on a nice vacation with you. This period of silence is irrelevant in his head because you always beg him to take you back. So he won't even have considered it may impact the holiday.

I agree, have mostly thought it's uncalculated assholery, rather than calculated! Though the subscriptions thing is v manipulative/exploitative.

Lllot5 · 07/06/2019 20:44

Rain in southeast too. Can’t believe we’re all pleased about rain😀.
Good luck tomorrow op. Look out for your 5 year old. I know you will be fine just takes time. 💪

iwantanewusername · 07/06/2019 21:16

Sausageroll123 sorry you're going through this, it's really shit - I've been on the receiving end of it too.

Growing up, my dad always did this to my mum and she would grovel and he would eventually deign to talk to her again. It was horrible, we would walk around on eggshells until the next time. It was always when my mum would voice her annoyance or what have you. He would never apologise, you couldn't criticise him or anything.

I ended up in a similar relationship, except my ex would take anything that had gone on out on me. We could be in the house, separate rooms and he would suddenly stop talking to me - even though I hadn't said anything to him!. If I asked him for help, he would grunt or what have you. If we had an argument and he didn't like what was being said he would walk away and ignore me.

If we had plans for a weekend, he would ruin that by suddenly being a dick and ignoring me or ordering me about. There were a few times he would tell me it wasn't working out between us and end the relationship. It was bloody awful.

The day after I had an operation (and had to be admitted) he wouldn't help me sort out the bedroom and I had to climb over things and risk further injury...to this day I have no idea why! He literally went to bed, told me no when I asked for help and said that I should go away (the implied threat being I need to leave otherwise he'll lash out).

After. Every. Single. Time. he would apologise, he's sorry, he didn't mean it, he's stressed. The reality is (and this came out in couples counselling) he was insecure and rather than deal with his insecurities all of these times he said the relationship wasn't working or went silent, he was testing me. To see if I still loved him and if I grovelled and say "no, I want us to be together" or whatever it was (honestly, similar to what you have been saying here) "proof" that he was worthy or some shit like that. He did it to get that reaction of grovelling! I wouldn't be surprised if he thrived on it.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he truly believed I loved him more than he loved me.

One time (quite frankly the beginning of the end), after my birthday, after ignoring me the whole time we were at a bar by playing on his phone (and demanding/badgering me to get his other phone!), then shouting at me because he left his phone in the hotel...(bear in mind NOTHING had happened in the day to set/piss him off) he tells me this isn't working and reels of a litany of reasons why. I felt the familiar pit in my stomach - I had given up too much for this man, I can't let go now. And then I stopped, and got angry...so I agreed with him. I told him he's right, gave my own reasons why we should break up.

You want to know his response? "Aren't you going to fight for us"? I asked him why would I do that when he's just said he doesn't want us to be together?! He had no answer. The next day he cried, he apologised, he didn't mean it, he loves me etc. etc. The cycle of abuse (in various ways, not just the silent treatment) continued for another year and half before I finally had had enough and told him I wanted a divorce (yup, stupidly I married him!). This is just the tip of the iceberg - he's ruined various events and days out for me with this silence.

What he is doing IS abuse - it is emotional abuse, it doesn't have to be physical violence for it to be abuse. He is fucking with your head and trying to control you with silence. This guy doesn't like what you have to say, he doesn't like you being upset and not loving him unconditionally. So to stop you, to make you feel bad he is punishing you with silence.

Do not be fooled into thinking that it is him just being stubborn or whatever, he is punishing you. If he was an adult, he would tell you WHY he isn't talking to you and to ask for space. He would communicate that much at least. He doesn't do that because he wants to to spiral like this, to grovel, to cajole him back. It makes him feel powerful and wanted. It is fucked up and you deserve much better.

Your kids deserve much better.

KM99 · 07/06/2019 22:31

Sausageroll123 keep going with these baby steps. Not contacting him, changing the password, remaining calm and distant tomorrow. Keep doing a thing everyday that separates you.

I know people (including myself) feel you should just dump him right now via text. But I'm also hearing how anxious you are and what a pattern you've got into it.

Like any destructive pattern, take it one hour, one day, one week at a time to change your behaviour. One day you might just wake up and see you have a better life x

MrMagooo · 08/06/2019 00:11

Just quickly. I was booked in a holiday with an ex that I dumped because she was having inappropriate emails with a married man. Ihad paid for her ticket but never got it back or asked for it back. Sometimes you just have to put it down to experience.

Good luck tomorrow. Just keep an eye out for where he is around you and avoid eye contact, looking at him etc. If he tries to talk to you which I very much doubt he will - do not let him off the hook and don't get back with him

Another ex I was seeing used to mess me around and one day she asked to see me. I said we can meet but your not coming to my flat. I just wanted an explanation as to why she felt it was okay to mess around. She never responded. Do not get back with him but even so he needs to apologise which I doubt you will ever get.

Good luck.

Pearlfish · 08/06/2019 06:50

Good luck at the event today sausage. Hold your head up high and remember you have done nothing wrong.

Janus · 08/06/2019 07:33

Good luck sausage, I agree with just trying to avoid him if you can.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/06/2019 07:37

Best of luck and much strength to you Sausage

Miniloso · 08/06/2019 07:40

Keep strong Sausage, you can only feel better for doing so.

Has he been in touch?

ohfourfoxache · 08/06/2019 08:01

Hope it goes ok

BlueThang · 08/06/2019 08:13

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if you've already dumped him by now but seriously don't stay with someone like him because it will get worse. I used to be with someone like this. It started off with me getting the silent treatment a couple of times a year when I'd upset over something big, then over time it became more frequent and the reasons less important. By the time I left him I was getting the silent treatment for weeks and weeks at a time over trivial things like him not wanting me to meet up with a friend, or upset that I'd said hello to an acquaintance. He made me utterly miserable and became abusive in his quest to control me.

Sausageroll123 · 08/06/2019 10:17

Morning all, sorry for the silence, feeling pretty awful at the moment. No I hadn't heard from him, but I cracked and ended up texting him yesterday. Asked him what on Earth was going on. His answer, he wants to be able to do what he wants without worrying how it might affect someone else (I'm guessing that refers to the liking photos of half naked women on social media). He also feels that I don't make enough effort with his child. No proper explanations, just a couple of sentences. Then total silence again.
I did see, and I have no idea how, that he was using my Sky again last night. I've changed passwords, deleted his device from my Sky Go.. It makes no sense.
As for the event today, it's absolutely chucking it down, but I think it's still on. My dd's Dad may be taking her now, but I'm not sure yet.
Am sitting here feeling sad, missing him loads, and almost back at square 1 again after that small amount of contact. What the hell is wrong with me!

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 08/06/2019 10:20

Get him off the sky and block his number. Cold turkey for you op!

burnyburny · 08/06/2019 10:23

What the hell is wrong with me!

You don't respect yourself.

LannieDuck · 08/06/2019 10:23

So he wants to be able to do things that upset you, and for you to be ok with that.

He's pretty much stating that it will always be this way - he wants to be able to do things that you don't like, but if you do things that he doesn't like, he'll sulk until you beg forgiveness. The absolute height of hypocrisy.

At least he's being honest about it? I guess it's up to you - are you willing to continue the relationship on his terms?

chemicalworld · 08/06/2019 10:24

He wants to be single, you deserve so much more. Fuck him off.

Janus · 08/06/2019 10:25

Ring up sky and report someone using it without your permission and ask how to stop him. Then block the utter bastard. He just wants his cake and eat it and you are worth more. This cannot be your acceptable standard of a man.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/06/2019 10:26

Classic. You don't make enough effort with his child - but he's happy to make zero effort with you, just enjoys all the free stuff he gets from you.

His child is not your responsibility - neither is he.

If you get back with him, you realise nothing will change, right?

Sausageroll123 · 08/06/2019 10:32

I'm guessing by the total silence we're over anyway, he just hasn't got the guts to say the actual words. Doing it by text after 2 years, can't quite get my head round that

OP posts: