Why does he do this?

[Sausageroll123]

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

Incidentally 'hassle' is him not getting to do what he wants, how he wants, when he wants - including publicly sleazing over other women on SM, going exactly where he wants on holiday etc.

Lots of posters think he's abusive, manipulative, is training op etc.

I actually think he just doesn't really care and is very cavalier. His reaction to the perceived "hassle" I mentioned above is "go away, woman, I'm not dealing with you/I can't be arsed with you" .. but he continues he continues the relationship because op chases him, she drops whatever the issue was; and because it's convenient and hd likes the advantagesbif being in a relationship (on his terms of course).

@Moralitym1n1 Which results in the long term mental health of the OP being affected. He may not be doing it in purpose but it is having the same effect.

How do you explain not answering the door and txt's. A decent human being who wasn't controlling or manipulative in any way would open the door or at least respond and say it's over. I don't want to see you anymore, leave me alone

The Psyche of this person is very skewifffffed.

He must look like George Clooney and have a 12 inch dick.

Can't think of any other reason, why a sane adult woman would put up with such abusive behaviour.

And to be fair, even then I wouldn't.

I can just imagine his smug face, when Op was on the doorstep for 30 mins. His smug face, when he read the good luck e-mail and didn't reply. His smug face, when he read the daughter's text and didn't reply. His smug face, as he sits in his house wondering what day to play with his little mouse again. Uugh. I don't even know the guy, and I want to smash his face in.

Op, you are a total doormat if you reply to this wanker when he deigns to click his fingers. But....I have a feeling you will go running back into his arms.

And by the way, you absolutely don't have to go to the event at the weekend. If you were run over by a bus tomorrow, you wouldn't attend and the world would keep spinning.

@Huskylover1 Unfortunately I do have to go to this event, I really wish I could say what it was, but it's for my dd, and his child is also involved. My dd would be devastated if I didn't go. Although I can imagine her walking up to him and saying something. I'm dreading it x

@Moralitym1n1 His attitude is very much like you said. If I bring something up he doesn't like, his response every single time is (word for word) 'I can't be arsed with this shit', then the silent treatment starts x

4 days! Stay strong!!

I hope you manage the "event" at the weekend. Can you take a friend/family for support if you really must go?

@MrMagooo

Personally I'd don't think things like not answering the door are controlling or manipulative. He just doesn't really care and can't be arsed; it's perceived hassle and he he doesn't want to deal with it. At that time he wants his own space, just wants op to go away.
It's extremely rude and disrespectful but he really care. He just wants her to go away and leave him alone at that time. And when they reconcile it's not him who's pursuing it, he's passively going along with it.
Even with not answering the door, he's willing to take the risk that op ends the relationship. (He had reason to think by now that she won't, bug even if she did .. he's willing to take that risk, he doesn't fundamentally care that much).

Ive encountered some men like this, they're usually divorced or have had a significant relationship, often with a child involved. They've decided "wimmin", relationships etc are just hassle. They're extremely jaded. They're selfish. They're really bachelor's but enter into relationships for sex, company, home comforts, convenience etc.

They're fundamentally indifferent and uncommitted underneath any appearance of investment.

You say your dreading the event but sadly I think your quite pleased your daughter will say something. Which is all rather sad as this is showing her what to expect in a relationship. Why shouldn’t she be able to say something to a man who has been part of her life for two years. Your allowing your DC to be treated the same way as you and I think that is rather sad ..... I don’t think you have seen the light on this thread and still convinced this is a normal healthy relationship and waiting for it all to settle back to normal until the next time. Get yourself some counselling to help understand why you have set your standards so low

He's even said all this himself; he's never been in love, he doesn't ever want to be married etc etc.

It's also easy to be indulgent and play with other people's cute little kids without any major responsibility for them; it doesn't mean much.

@Moralitym1n1, It is often the combination of both not one or the other.

Abusive people are often pathologially disordered in their thinking which allows them to treat people badly but their disorder always prevents them from being able to truly care about another person.
It is a combination of lack of empathy (so they can treat people badly, letting Op stand outside his house or ignore her daughter) and object constancy (ability to see people as all good or all bad, so if Op is doing what he wants, she is good, if she doesn't do want he wants or questions him, she is all bad).
The danger of assuming it's because he doesn't care could make the Op (or others in similar situations) try harder to be loved. If she learns he doesn't have the capacity for deep and mutual beneficial relationships she will find it easier to let him go.

@lifebegins50

It could certainly also be a lack of empathy, I agree.

What I should make crystal clear is that I also think op should end/nonlongef pursue this relationship.

Bug I think that , not because I think he's intentionally controlling or abusive; but because he fundamentally doesn't give a fuck.

And I don't think op should try harder because I don't think it will change.

Also I think he'd be like this with pretty much anyone.

He must look like George Clooney and have a 12 inch dick.

Funny how the shortest, most follically challenged, unglamorous men can pull, cheat, and wreck women's heads just as well as the handsome ones. A about personalities.

I've actually noticed a trend with short men being cheaters - some of them seem to desperately need validation.

If she learns he doesn't have the capacity for deep and mutual beneficial relationships she will find it easier to let him go.

But I am saying that.

I'm just not saying that I think he's internationally abusive and manipulative.

I want to smash his face in too. It makes me really angry he could treat the OP and daughter like that. I'll say it again. @Sausageroll123 needs to get so angry too.

I can understand you are dreading the event but go, get on with it. You don't need to speak to him, you don't. We'd to look at him, you can stay as far away from him as possible and if (which I doubt) he tries to talk to you you can just tell him you are willing to talk but not until he gives you an apology for what he has done and his subsequent behaviour. That doesn't mean you let him back in your life.

Your mindset should be that you've been dumped. Stop waiting for him to come round and you live happily ever after. Move on. He is so indifferent it wouldn't matter what you say to him. If he is abusive the thing that will hurt him the most is ignoring him too.

Stay strong. He is a piece of shit. All you have to do to remind yourself of that is the fact he ignored your sweet daughter. Forget about you, think about what he did to your daughter. We all want to smash his face in and so should you. Tell your daughter that you want to smash his face in because he ignored her, so she fully understands it's not okay. Get BLOODY angry about this.

Good luck housey 💐

Sausage, how are you feeling today? Try to keep in your mind why this man is doing this to you. You dared to tell him that him liking half naked women publicly upset you a bit. A totally normal and very very minor thing to do. So he dumped your arse, humiliated you leaving you on his doorstep, ad even worse brought your own child into it.

For daring to have a very very small and perfectly normal boundary he did this to you without a moments hesitation. And he did it to your child too.

Remember that when you see him on Saturday,

I think everything else aside the KEY factor is the lack of empathy. Whether or not he just doesn't give a shit or, is deliberately manipulative - he is behaviour is cold and cruel. You don't just blank someone you actually give a shit about, and you certainly don't leave them in an upset state and not even open the door for them when they need comforting or clarity. I wouldn't ignore my a stranger if they were hurting, let alone someone I'm supposed to give a shit about. I wouldn't want anyone with such a fundamental lack of empathy anywhere me, let alone my child.

Hold your head high op.

Well done OP.

Go to the event, but stay strong and ignore him. If he approaches you, be civil for the sake of your daughter, but do not engage other than that.

You will feel SO good afterwards, empowered and strong.

You and your beautiful daughter are worth so much more, don’t forget this!

Have something planned to look forward to with your daughter after the event. Like a lunch/pizza/going to see a film. Then if he does want to talk you can genuinely say - oops sorry got to dash we're off to x.

Make sure you delete his number from your daughter’s phone and also block him. She shouldn’t have been in independent text contact with her mum’s non resident boyfriend, even before all this latest drama happened.

I'm just not saying that I think he's internationally abusive and manipulative.

Intentionally.

She shouldn’t have been in independent text contact with her mum’s non resident boyfriend, even before all this latest drama happened.

Yup.
As I said upthread, its a risk. My nephew had to deal with a malicious scummy ex of hers outlining what sexual acts he's done with his mother by text because they had each others number.

@SnappedandFartedagain

You're so right.