Why does he do this?

[Sausageroll123]

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP will bump into him at the event.

He'll decide to let her off the hook and speak to her.

She will be deliriously happy and so grateful that he hasn't finished with her.

Her kids will watch this cycle over and over again.

This ☝🏻

On the subject of the children, I think it might help to think of DD as normal and yourself as head-weak. Rather than you as normal and her as headstrong.

Because girls get told they are bossy, feisty, headstrong as gendered 'compliments'. It still feels like it's unusual or worrying. Girls who speak their minds should be the norm, not the exception. And demure selflessness is learned not innate.

Your DD's reaction wasn't headstrong but it was honest and assertive.

Interesting, I spotted that use of headstrong which cropped up for me in an entirely different context.

To me, it suggests someone who continues a set course of action in the face of evidence that it is not sensible.

And I have mostly heard it used to describe negatively, girls who know their own minds and act on that knowledge.

I suppose as ever context is everything. If you think a girl should not make up her own mind, you might indeed call her headstrong

To me the word as I have heard it in common use has a negative connotation whereas I think of knowing your own mind as a badge of adulthood.

I admire honesty and assertiveness, and consider them as positive traits.

Your dd sounds awesome

Stay strong, you don’t need this pitiful excuse of a man. If he loved you he wouldn’t put you through this

Jeezo. If texting him, emailing him, your daughter texting him and knocking on his door for 30 MINUTES, counts as not trying, what the bloody hell do you do when you are?

Seriously, it sounds so demeaning and embarrassing. I don't know whether he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and this is his cowardly way of breaking it off, or this silent treatment is an attempt to keep you where he wants you, shut you up and always keep the upper hand. Either way he is a dickhead.

I don’t see how the event at the weekend is compulsory to go to. It can’t be school related so if it’s just some get together for parents and kids just don’t go. If it’s something like they are in a play together then go straight in, sit in your seat and leave as soon as it finishes. If it’s some sport thing then go, stand with a good friend and go as soon as it’s finished. If it’s a school fete, go for just an hour, even tell your daughter you don’t feel well but will do one hour so she knows, find a good friend and go around with her.
I’ve been at events with a mum I had a terrible falling out with, we both skirt around each other, avoid eye contact and I always try and find someone I’m really comfortable with to walk in with or be with.
It’s all doable if you decide to go.

I agree with @Janus

OP, If he decides to break the silence and come back don't welcome him with open arms. You owe, at least, that much to yourself.

You say you love him and i get that. I do, believe me. I have a feeling you might not end things if you two start talking again, so can i at least advice you to continue this relationship on your own terms and not his?

In future stop grovelling. HE is the one who is in the wrong. HE should do the grovelling.

Don't let him get his way. You said in the past what caused the argument was never discussed again. Well, it needs to be discussed. If he doesn't like it tough. He needs to compromise and make some changes. I am assuming of course you aren't making any crazy demands, but even if you are he needs to sit down with you and talk it out.

Give him an ultimatum and mean it. Next time he goes silent that's the end. You will be declaring yourself single.

I don't suggest you stay. As i said i mentioned the above because i feel you won't end it. He is playing with your mind, don't let him. Think of it this way, you are all heart broken and you miss him. If he loved you so much then how can he be doing this to your relationship? He is jeopardising what you have! Is his moods worth that much to him? Those days he is silent is he thinking of you? Missing you? Struggling to sleep? Probably not, because if he was he would be coming back crawling and willing to short things out. He knows you are going to break and the thing that caused the argument will never be mentioned again. How many things are you willing to let him sweep under the carpet? What if a friend told you she saw him kissing someone else and you mention it. He goes silent, you grovel, he comes back and he gets a free pass. He still has you and he gets to cheat. You need to put a stop somewhere.

Sorry, for the essay. Your post has unearthed old memories of mine.

I'd never want my daughter to be with someone who's only way of dealing with problems is to just ignore her. I don't think she'd put up with that, she's quite head strong.

If you stay in this relationship, she will lose this as you will be showing her a skewed idea of relationships. You staying will ruin your DD's ability to retain normal boundaries. And yes, your DD is normal, not headstrong.

I was in an abusive relationship. It didn't start that way, it crept in gradually. There was no hitting (well, a couple of times it was a close thing), he didn't really shout, but he could be intimidating. I had constant negative comments, a real drip, drip, drip, and so on. The walking on eggshells, financial abuse, etc. It was still abusive. I wasted 30 years, OP, don't do the same.

Thanks everyone, I'm still here and reading x

Awwww glad to hear from you Sausage! are you ok?

@QueenOfTheCroneAge Not really, have spent most of the evening cuddling my cat and trying to stay away from my phone x

Have you tried asking him when things are going well? Can he acknowledge that he does this and that it is putting your relationship at risk. You need to find a way to communicate about it...hopefully without any silent treatment as a result

@Fuzzlewuzzle he doesn't care. That is clear. He shuts OP down by sulking and ignoring.

Well, sausage you're doing grand. No backing down now. If he cared, he'd have been in touch.

He's still punishing you for daring to have an opinion. Your cat is more deserving of your cuddles!

Good for you!

You don't feel strong but you are...you knew his actions weren't right which is why you posted for advice, and you are now doing what you should be doing...ignoring his stupid fucking bastard arse and concentrating on you, your DC and your cat 🐱

He's a cunt. Seriously. It's hard (I know, I'm one of many who have been there) but you can do this - for you and for your DC 👌👍

Being headstrong somehow seems to have negative connotations, but there is another way of describing someone who is headstrong.

Assertive. And that's a good thing to be. Assert yourself OP, you deserve so much more than this.

Sausage I am so wishing that you find strength. Strength and faith. In you. For you. You deserve so much more. You do know that.

Cat cuddling is the best. I'm happy you have that tonight.

You’re doing brilliantly, keep cuddling the cat!

You are worth so much more than this Op.. @Bluntness100 I've screen shot a few of your posts so I can read them and remind myself why I'm not going to be treated like this again by my husband.. this is horrifyingly eye opening.

I binge-watched Black Mirror and enjoyed it all the more for imagining this dickhead missing it.

I hope you are ok @Sausageroll123, I am sorry that you are upset and good for you for staying away from your phone.
I understand what you mean when you say you don't find his behaviour to be "as bad" as some, or good "most of the time".
But it doesn't have to be "as bad" or bad all the time. What he does crosses the invisible line of care and respect in a relationship.
Yes, we all get upset and do things we regret later, but not like this.
If nothing else can convince you, imagine your daughter upset, humiliated, knocking on a door for half an hour, begging for love and being ignored.
It's so wrong and it makes me, a total stranger, sad for you.
You have Netflix and a cat, I would chose those over that man any time.
A partner who doesn't care how you feel is not worth having, regardless of if you bring yourself to think he's abusive or not.

Sending positive thoughts to you today sausage

There seems to be an uneven power dynamic in this relationship.

And I suspect that is not because he's a bad communicator, but because he simply cares less and is less commited & invested than op. Op has presumed he feels the same way as her and the relationship is important to him, but I really have my doubts.

I think it's convenient bug he doesn't deeply care. Any 'hassle' and he'll drop it. His overall attitude toward love, relationships, marriage seems to back this up.

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