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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 05/06/2019 14:34

I would never finish with someone by simply not replying anymore

Sorry to quote you again but does this mean, as for all intents and purposes you seem now to also be ignoring him (said you won't text or talk to him at the event) that you are not ending it? No need to answer that directly but it's just how your thoughts come across, again that he gets to choose.

If you want the relationship for all the good times then text him to address these bad times and tell him that he needs to change and it's unacceptable. If he isn't prepared to address these things then kick him to the kerb. Or accept that is the person he is and this will happen again. I can tell you though from experience of my mum doing epic silent treatments when I was a kid... It's bloody awful to share a house with. So I'd give it serious consideration if you think you might ever move in together.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 14:36

The holiday is in his name, and it's all been paid for.

Yes I have to go to the event. And so does he. And all our kids. I can't say what it is without risking outing myself x

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2019 14:36

I agree with not going to the event on the weekend.

I can't help but wonder whether he already has someone else on the go, or at least lined up, as he seems to have well and truly checked out of the relationship

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2019 14:37

Have you paid him your share of the holiday?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 14:37

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor Yes I've paid my half Sad

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2019 14:38

I'm sorry but I suspect you'll be writing that off ☹️

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 14:39

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor I genuinely don't think he has someone else on the go / lined up. Silence is just the way he deals with any problems. And I've always managed to get him talking, this time I haven't tried

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 05/06/2019 14:45

Don’t worry about your holiday. Nothing that can’t be sorted. He not worrying about it because he thinks you’ll get back in contact with him.
He’s not worrying about the event because he thinks you’ll talk to him.
Just don’t contact him, see what happens. I hope I’m wrong and he sees the error if his ways and you all live happy ever after.
Don’t contact him see what happens, then you’ll know.

Happynow001 · 05/06/2019 14:49

He's never been abusive, we get on great, he just seems to have real issues with communication
He's been very clear - you are just not believing him.

Am still feeling slightly humiliated that I was on his door step for half an hour last night whilst he was inside
Remember that feeling and DO something about it.

Was there really no lightbulb moment as you gathered your self-respect and eventually left?

It's so hard when you love someone.
Love yourself more. Love your sensible, clear sighted 13yo daughter more and show her the strong women who, surely, is in you somewhere? At the moment what favours are you doing her regarding this situation?

Every time this has happened I've chased him constantly. I'm getting so tired of it
Then do something about it and remove him from your lives. For your own sake the initiative needs to come from you to actually recognise how disrespectful this situation is and get yourself out.

But none of that is abusive, so no I don't see any patterns
Even if you don't see abuse he does not care about you. If he did he would not behave this way, not to you, not to your child.

It's funny, before my daughter ran out of the door for school this morning she turned to me and said Mum? Black Mirror starts tomorrow, you know how much xxxxxx wants to watch it, change your Netflix password today, that will serve him right!
I'm glad you've listened to your sensible daughter. She is seeing clearly. In that comment she was parenting you!

I hope you get some inner strength and move on from him OP. Here's hoping.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2019 15:14

I looked at my daughters phone last night to make sure she hadn't text him again. She had just once more - calling him 'bloody rude'. I assume that's in response to him not replying to her. I guess that's her trying to stick up for me in her own little way.

She's fantastic. And it's really important she isn't given the lesson that you roll over to this kind of nonsense. This is one of those cases where our children are perfect and our job is not to mess that up!

If you were strong enough, and I don't think you currently are (not meanly, I just think you're in a certain space right now) I would suggest texting him "do you want to buy me out of my half of your holiday or should we cancel?" But I don't think you can do that without seeing it as a way to initiate contact, in which case half a holiday is a cheap price to get rid of him. Silently, just like he thinks is appropriate.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 15:21

OP wants him back. Nothing we say here will stop that, but she now has better insight into how uncaring, cruel and just plain wrong his behaviour is. She's been managing his sulks by constantly wheedling him to talk when he has a tantrum. Basically mothering him - hence the feeding him and paying for sports package etc; that's the dynamic.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/06/2019 15:27

He's a dick

Dullardmullard · 05/06/2019 15:33

{{https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H}}

Hopefully this will work read this as this could be your future.

FriteFuaite · 05/06/2019 15:44

Op, I read this today and thought of your situation. It's worth a read! I learned a lot myself from it.

letsqueerthingsup.com/2019/06/01/fawning-trauma-response/

Butterymuffin · 05/06/2019 15:47

If you absolutely have to go to this event, can you go early and leave early? Limit your exposure to him. Not because you have to hide away, but to show you're not hanging around to catch a glimpse of him or chasing after him.

FinallyHere · 05/06/2019 15:48

And I've always managed to get him talking, this time I haven't tried

Sausageroll123

Out of context and put like that, it sounds like it is something commendable, something that you have achieved.

How does it sound, if you describe it as 'every time I have ever called him out om something he had done that I do not like, he has sulked and made me dance attendance on him until he decided to allow our relationship to continue, on condition that I have learned my lesson and know not to call him out on that (or anything else). '?

Not quite such an achievement, is it

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 15:55

"When you are excessively concerned with pleasing others, you learn that in order to be effective at this, you have to shut down your gut instincts, your values, your emotions — because being an individual, rather than a mirror, doesn’t serve you in securing the love that you want."

From the article @FriteFuaite kindly linked. I think this is clearly what is happening with Sausage

RockinHippy · 05/06/2019 16:06

Jeez, get him the feck out if your life & go find yourself an actual grown up, rather than this immature teenage fuckwit. You are worth so much more

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 16:21

You have tried sausage, you've texted him, you've emailed him, your kid has texted him and you even went and banged on his door for thirty mins. If that's not trying I don't know what is.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 05/06/2019 16:49

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for you and I fear that you'll give in, 'talk him round' (god knows what that'll take Hmm ) and you'll be back to square one.

You said "I've never thought of him as abusive, just awkward and really stubborn sometimes. I always assumed abuse was physical, or name calling, or not letting you do things etc" - but he IS not allowing you to do things! He's not allowing you to call him out on any inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour! By ramping up the sulking and ignoring, you'll be less likely to challenge him again.
He's training you Sad

He's also using you.

And not only has he shown you who/what he really is, but he's TELLING you, literally, that it's over. "This isn't working" followed by complete absence and radio silence = it's over.

LazyLizzy · 05/06/2019 17:30

OP will bump into him at the event.

He'll decide to let her off the hook and speak to her.

She will be deliriously happy and so grateful that he hasn't finished with her.

Her kids will watch this cycle over and over again.

Dullardmullard · 05/06/2019 17:57

This event you can just not go no one can force you unless it’s a kids event that’s been the pipeline for months
Even then you and the kids don’t have to go.

I’d be querying your previous relationships and how you where raised as that would tell a lot of why you’ve set the bar so low.

SimplySteveRedux · 05/06/2019 18:00

It's the kids I feel sorry for. OP is enabling this idiots behaviour by fawning over him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/06/2019 18:09

I think there needs to be a plan for OP when she sees him at this 'do'

I'd be tempted to ignore him, if your dc goes up to him, I'd steer the dc away, saying that 'stbx doesn't want to talk right now, let go do xyz'

If he tries to talk to you and there's no one around, I'd most definitely call him out on it 'oh so you've decided to talk to me have you? Wasn't ignoring me for a week enough?'

Or if other people are around I'd be polite but then leave his company as soon as you can