Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 05/06/2019 12:46

** I am very sorry for what you are going through. There is a lot for you to take on board, how your committed relationship looks to perfect strangers, as well as the fact that the love of your life is ghosting you.

Our relationship isn't casual - we are committed, see each other all the time, spend time with each other families etc.

Sometimes it's helpful to look at someone's actions and not just what they say. He actions seem to say 'you can have all this ' but in return I expect you to never call me out on anything I do. You cannot expect to discuss differences and agree or agree to disagree, I am training you to never question me.

There is a lack of equality in that type of relationship which at best leads to questioning oneself and reduced self esteem and at worst could be very serious indeed.

Having been there, lots of us would love to be able to pass on that experience. Sadly most people do have to learn things for themselves.

All the best.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 12:47

I'm feeling pretty crappy to be honest. My youngest has started asking for him and I'm not sure what to say. Yes in normal circumstances someone doing what he's doing now would imply the relationship is over, but he's done this before and it hasn't been.

I looked at my daughters phone last night to make sure she hadn't text him again. She had just once more - calling him 'bloody rude'. I assume that's in response to him not replying to her. I guess that's her trying to stick up for me in her own little way. Have told her not to text him again though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 12:50

@QueenOfTheCroneAge I guess I've never looked at is as freeloading, I just wanted to make him happy? He doesn't normally treat me, I guess just at Christmas and birthdays. If we go out for dinner occasionally he'll pay, or we'll go half. He doesn't usually bring things round for me. In fact he brings more stuff round for my youngest, books, toys etc

OP posts:
Rosielily · 05/06/2019 12:53

I'm sorry your daughter has now been drawn into his game playing. You've done the right thing telling her not to contact him again. Can you get her phone and delete and block his number from it.

As for you, you're bound to feel crappy - you've gone through such a lot with him, and the responses on here have given you an awful lot to think about. Keep on doing as you are, keep your distance from him and if the urge to contact him strikes then come on here for a hand hold. Lots of us have been in your position so totally get where you are coming from!!

BumbleBeee69 · 05/06/2019 12:54

The behaviour of the grown adult man is appalling.. particularly as it is directed equally at your Children OP. I think this is where you must draw the line of his silent controlling abuse, because it's not just you it affects, it's your poor children, and that it not acceptable on any level.

I'm sad to read that you have been unaware that this behaviour is even considered abuse. Now that you are armed with this knowledge I hope you find the strength to stand firm for your own sake as well as your children's sake.

best wishes OP Flowers

FinallyHere · 05/06/2019 12:57

Are you feeling sorry that he is doing this again?

he's done this before and it hasn't been. [end of the relationship]

The thing I'm wondering about is why you you put up with this? Are you just waiting it out, hoping he will be back?

How does it feel, wondering when it will happen again? Are you thinking that maybe you won't call him out in future, to avoid this treatment ?

I'm #team daughter. She sees that this is not acceptable behaviour. How can you reassure her, so that she knows her instincts are correct, that it is not acceptable ?

Would you want to her to learn anything otherwise ? What will your behaviour demonstrate?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2019 12:58

Well your daughter is right isn't she, he is bloody rude!

And as for assuming things are over due to lack of contact - yes you can definitely assume this. How long has it been now?

You don't need someone in your life who is prepared to make you feel like shit.

Tell your youngest that your ex is not around anymore.
Then text your ex and tell him that YOU have decided that it is over as his actions are despicable and that you no longer wish to be associated with such a poor role model for your children.

Please take back control and do this.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 13:00

Yes in normal circumstances someone doing what he's doing now would imply the relationship is over, but he's done this before and it hasn't been

But you understand it should have been right? It should have happened once and then you walked, and even if he begged your forgiveness then a second time and it should have been immediate no contact.

It seems your daughter has her head screwed on better than you do at the moment, she's right it is bloody rude, and she's angry at the way he is treating you all, and quite right she is too.

You need to be a role model here and simply tell her she's right, no man should treat a woman like this and the relationship is over, no matter what he says,

It seems you're just waiting, praying that he sees sense and decides to forgive you for setting a boundary over his shite behaviour. When really you should be blocking the fucker and dumping any stuff you have of his on his doorstep.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 13:04

Sausage I know you want to make him happy - but look what it's costing you - your pride, your self-esteem, eventually your mental health. Yes, I'm serious. Others here will tell you the damage a man like this can do to your well-being.

If HE wanted YOU to be happy, would he treat you like this?

BumbleBeee69 · 05/06/2019 13:06

If HE wanted YOU to be happy, would he treat you like this?

very true Flowers

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/06/2019 13:13

OP, please consider how the conversation would go with your DD if he starts talking to you again now and you accept it. "Yes dear, he was rude, and yes, we were hurt. But we're just going to put up with it because reasons."

Do you really want to have that conversation with her, and to watch the confusion on her face?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 13:18

I'd never want my daughter to be with someone who's only way of dealing with problems is to just ignore her. I don't think she'd put up with that, she's quite head strong.

Today is day 3 oh no contact, to the poster that asked x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 13:18

*of no

OP posts:
Janus · 05/06/2019 13:23

Yes in normal circumstances someone doing what he's doing now would imply the relationship is over, but he's done this before and it hasn't been

But you understand it should have been right? It should have happened once and then you walked, and even if he begged your forgiveness then a second time and it should have been immediate no contact.

Bluntness 100% correct. It just SHOULD have been enough each time for YOU to end it.

I have a terrible feeling that as long as he speaks to you again you will just go right back. No questions.

I am sorry to be blunt but do you really want your daughter to learn that it’s acceptable for a man to treat you like this? Because that will be exactly what YOU will be teaching her.

chemicalworld · 05/06/2019 13:23

He's an absolute dickhead - i'm sorry he is doing this to you - but you need to start taking back control of the relationship. This is not acceptable behaviour, so you end it. If you keep accepting this, your self esteem will be on the floor, if it isn't already.

Happynow001 · 05/06/2019 13:35

He never pisses me off normally, only when he does the silent act, I was just wondering really if anyone could shed any light on to why he does it
He does it because he can - and you accept it. He does it because there are no negative consequences for him as you are so pleased to have him back to how you want him to be. No blame to you but, if this works for him where is his incentive to change?

This sort of behaviour just escalates to increasingly worse, controlling you. The Relationship board frequently have posters complaining about this. I suggest you read some of them to see how bad things can get if you are unwilling or unable to leave.

You are worth more than this.

TeaForTheWin · 05/06/2019 14:02

I noticed you asked 'does this mean it is over?' earlier on...given all that's been brought to you attention here - why is that his decision? YOU should decide it is over.

If it were me I'd probably text him with 'normal adults do not communicate by taking huffs, it isn't on and I'm not ok with it' and probably add 'I deserve better than your childish tantrums so we're done'. But I get the sense somehow that you might want to give him another chance (bad move but hey...) so maybe add instead 'we need to talk and if we are to have a future together then you need to commit to respecting my opinions and not acting like a child throwing a strop every time I say something you don't like. Adults talk and resolve their issues. Sort your shit out and when you are ready to apologise, you know where I am'.

Chances are he wont xD but if he does then you can give him one last chance and if he demonstrates shitty behaviour one more time - get shot. I'm betting it won't take long but at least then you would know for sure that the problem lies with him. Of course IT DOES but I get that it can be difficult for people to comprehend when they care for someome, the that person doesn't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I don't like the idea of you going back to this manipulative person at all and strongly advise against it but if you do, make sure he is the one doing the begging. And if he does repeat the behaviour again or any other shittyness, no more chances.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/06/2019 14:07

Well done on 3 days OPFlowers

pigeonscooing · 05/06/2019 14:11

Your dd has her head screwed on all right. Too true he was 'bloody rude' and good on her for calling him out on it.

I know she is only 13, but talk to her. Ask her how she feels about this man treating her mum this way. Ask her what she would do if she had a boyfriend and he treated her like that.

You don't have to wait for him to tell you that it's over. He doesn't have to be the one to decide, you know. I've said it already on this thread, and I'll say it again - you can be the one to draw a line under this sorry saga and be the one who decides that it is over.

Flowers for you, and some more Flowers for your dd too. She deserves them

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 14:24

I just can't get my head round it. Is he simply going to ignore that we've just booked quite an expensive holiday? Walk past me at the event at the weekend? The kids will be there too, my little one will run straight up to him. I would never finish with someone by simply not replying anymore

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 05/06/2019 14:27

No you wouldn't. You also wouldn't ignore him - because it's not the right thing to do if you care about someone.

Needsomebottle · 05/06/2019 14:28

Yes in normal circumstances someone doing what he's doing now would imply the relationship is over, but he's done this before and it hasn't been.

Why are your circumstances not "normal"?
You seem to accept that for someone else, this would mean it were over if it were the first time.
So why aren't you cross that you have been treated this way time and again and yet he gets to dictate that it's NOT over?

This comment makes it seem to me that he has all the power in your relationship, it is always his decision as to whether you carry on, pick up where you left off, or not. He will see that. He knows he had that control. Which makes you his little puppy. That he can mistreat and then decide to pick up and cuddle again.

Only you can decide if that's who you want to be, if that's how you want your relationship dynamic to work. And if that's ok with you, then that's really none of our business. And if that's what you choose then get in touch with him, dance to his tune, do the grovelling he so desires and you'll be back on track soon.

Or take the first steps to being a strong independent woman. Tell him it's over. Or tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable and unless he accepts responsibility for the childish petty way he has behaved it will be over. Give him a time limit on that last one. Take some control. Because frankly at the moment with all this "will he get in touch when he realises he can't watch Netflix, will he speak to me at the event, will he text after..." You're just on pins and still letting him dictate.

Like I say, no judgement here, your choice to make but it's probably time to decide what the choice is. There's no in between. By not telling him straight you're just leaving your options open for him to decide to get back in touch like nothing is wrong. That's the middle ground. And so the cycle continues. And you'll be back here in a few months.

aweedropofsancerre · 05/06/2019 14:29

You might not finish with someone by simply not replying to but your OH is. The only reason he has ‘come’ round in the past is because you have pursued him. He is now ignoring your DC and that is not excusable.... you may have your own standards on what you will accept from a partner but your DC deserve better

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2019 14:30

In whose name is the holiday booked?

Have you only paid the deposit? You need to get that cancelled and get whatever money back you can!

Butterymuffin · 05/06/2019 14:31

Do you have to go to this event? I would bin it off and do some other nice thing with your kids. Make him wonder where you are for a change. What type of thing is it?