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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 05/06/2019 10:45

My ex used to do this to me, it took someone else pointing out to me that it was emotional abuse for me to realise that it was.

You care about the relationship, you care about his feelings, he pushes you away and is cruel. You have to ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with. He won't change, he is using this method to control you, or to show you that he doesn't really care.

Janus · 05/06/2019 10:48

That’s exactly what you should focus on, a decent man would fight to make this right. He doesn’t fight for you and he absolutely should. So don’t contact him, don’t talk to him at the event you both have to go to (he will be expecting you to) and walk away from that event with your head held high. I keep saying this but - you deserve better - (and tell yourself that time and time again).

MrMagooo · 05/06/2019 10:48

@Sausageroll123 What kind of person. A sick person. He'll be back in touch at some point. He'll want to reel you back in so this cycle continues.

This is why we are all saying to end it now, take back your life and control from him, because he is controlling you whether you think he is or not.

You need to end it and mean it. If you choose to let him back into your life AFTER HE HAS APOLOGISED & REALISES WHAT HE'S DONE - Then so be it but be wary of him and if he does anything similar again you should run a mile and block him and any contact.

I can understand it's hard to get your head around but listen to what others are saying.

There are plenty of tastier fish in the sea.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 11:06

when there are kids involved too

That makes it sound like you have kids together. You don't; your kids were introduced because you were seeing each other for a while. If you stop seeing each other, you explain it to them and move on. Many many people and their kids have been in that position.

As I've said before I think you're way more invested than he had ever been. I don't think he views relationships of family in the way you do. Even the 'ill never marry you" thing .. he's just not v committed/invested - and that seems to be his general attitude at this time (probably permanently).

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 11:07

*has ever been

RestingBitchFaced · 05/06/2019 11:08

He will probably ignore you until the event you are both going to and expect you to come up and speak to him then, or will act like nothing has happened and expect you to carry on as normal with no apology/acknowledgement that he has done anything wrong.

MrMagooo · 05/06/2019 11:21

The thing that gets me is that I could slightly understand if you argued or if you did something wrong but you haven't. It is outrageous that he feels he can behave like a spoilt child.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 11:21

@Moralitym1n1 Yes I didn't mean we have kids together, I meant that my kids and him are very involved - my youngest is very attached, as you'd probably expect after spending 3/4 nights a week with him.

Our relationship isn't casual - we are committed, see each other all the time, spend time with each other families etc.

He did say when we first started going out that he's not sure he's ever been properly in love before, and that he doesn't believe in marriage (which is why it didn't last with his ex).

Obviously this isn't a dig at anyone in particular, but this is my relationship, I don't understand why (some) people are being so dismissive about the fact it's only been 2 years! No that's not long in the grand scheme of things but he's a huge part of mine and my kids life and I'm quite honestly devastated that he's doing the silent treatment again.

OP posts:
VaggieMight · 05/06/2019 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

MrMagooo · 05/06/2019 11:29

@Sausageroll123 You do what you want, it's your life. People are being dismissive because they can see the life you are heading for.

You could POSSIBLY be looking at this as you life ahead. You could end up living with him and this silent treatment happening all the time at every little thing that happens.

There are several post on sulking flying around and silent treatment. Read those.

You do what you want and ignore the advice but this is happen AGAIN right now and you are still holiding on even though he is treating you & your daughter like shit right now.

You really need to get angry at what is happening. Get back with him by all means but get bloody angry and never let this happen again.

The thing about abuse is isbthat it happens slowly and you can't see it coming. He already is managing to manipulate you with this behaviour that you just thought was slightly moody. It's not moody it's emotional abuse.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/06/2019 11:30

Sorry you're getting a bit of a bashing on here Sausage

No I've still not heard from him, but I haven't got in contact with him either, which is a big step for me

Keep taking those tiny steps. You've had a massive wake-up call from everyone on here.

Although I'm not sure you why you haven't yet told him the relationship is done. But I'm sure you have your reasons. You cannot continue with this man. He will just drag you down further and further.

Please do download and read the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned.

Take care of yourself.

Lllot5 · 05/06/2019 11:33

You shouldn’t be seeing someone 3/4 times a week with such young children. I honestly believe this I know others don’t. I think you said your youngest is 5 and your daughter is 13. That’s a lot of their lives so far. But for you it’s really not.
Black mirror tonight op. Let’s see what happens with Netflix. Flowers

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 11:39

Moralitym1n1 Yes I didn't mean we have kids together, I meant that my kids and him are very involved - my youngest is very attached, as you'd probably expect after spending 3/4 nights a week with him.

I know, I was just saying that sadly, this happens, and kids have to deal with it (and do deal with it). It just had to be handled sensitively and sensibly. It also does make an argument for minimising contact with kids until something is very well established. I find it takes 18 months/a couple of years to really start to get to know someone and see patterns.

Our relationship isn't casual - we are committed, see each other all the time, spend time with each other families etc.

He did say when we first started going out that he's not sure he's ever been properly in love before, and that he doesn't believe in marriage (which is why it didn't last with his ex).

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 11:40

@Lllot5 Sorry I didn't mean they'd spend 3/4 whole evenings a week with him. He would normally come over once my little one is in bed, but would usually just catch him to say goodnight and have a quick cuddle. Then they spent some time together at the weekends. I don't want it to come across like my kids are always with him Confused They get loads of time with me on their own!
Black Mirror tonight - he's probably forked our for his own subscription!

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 05/06/2019 11:42

Well then at least you know then won’t you.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 11:44

Sorry I didn't mean to quote the rest of your post below what I wrote.

As for not being casual - I've said a few times in this thread ( I know you've had a lot of responses and are getting a lot thrown at you) .. that I get the impressive he is not as commited or invested as you. It's perfectly possible for some people to see someone regularly, meet their children, go on hols with them etc without actually being very committed and invested. They just go with the flow, enjoy the company, enjoy the meals,bthe convenience etc - bug it doesn't always follow that they are in love/committed/Investec etc. I think you've always presumed he feels and thinks how you do, but i have my doubts.

Never having been in love and not being "the marrying type" would be red flags to me too.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 11:45
  • impression
Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 11:49

I think the line that "this isn't working" then avoiding uou and refusing to even answer the door to you would be classified as ending it to most people.

T2705 · 05/06/2019 12:03

I can see how difficult this is for you but like someone else has said, you need to get angry. Take out the abuse factor (which is one of the things you seem to be struggling with) Who the hell does he think he is to just ignore you like this? I know you are committed to the relationship but right now the relationship is not working is it? So what are you going to do about that? You, not him.

I do not think you are ready to completely throw the towel in on this yet and that is totally up to you, but right now you need to stick to your guns, do not contact him AT ALL and just see what happens. Take the next couple of days of radio silence to truly appreciate exactly what he has done to your relationship with his silly moods. Do not underestimate what he has done, especially leaving you on the doorstep for half an hour - that was the pits.

He absolutely will contact you, I know it and so do all the other posters here, he knows when he is on to a good thing, you just need to decide what you are going to do when he does.

With regard to the relationship ending, Its far better to show your kids how to be strong enough to get out of a relationship that is not going well than to show them you settling for lesser treatment. It happens in life, things don't work out. Its shit but you know you will get through it. Better to be single than treading on eggshells wondering what is going to set off the next episode of sulking xx

T2705 · 05/06/2019 12:06

"As for not being casual - I've said a few times in this thread ( I know you've had a lot of responses and are getting a lot thrown at you) .. that I get the impressive he is not as commited or invested as you. It's perfectly possible for some people to see someone regularly, meet their children, go on hols with them etc without actually being very committed and invested. They just go with the flow, enjoy the company, enjoy the meals,bthe convenience etc - bug it doesn't always follow that they are in love/committed/Investec etc."

My exH appears to do exactly this. I always feel sorry for the women who get involved with him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/06/2019 12:14

i think the line that "this isn't working" then avoiding uou and refusing to even answer the door to you would be classified as ending it to most people.

This with bells on it!!

madcatladyforever · 05/06/2019 12:16

I had this for 20 years, it was soul destroying. LTB you deserve better.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/06/2019 12:22

Hope you're ok op - just wanted to chime in and agree with other posters that this is not normal behaviour and that you deserve better. Even people who don't know you from Adam can see that Flowers

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 12:44

Keep posting, sausage even if you want him back. We'll still be here for you.

I find it sad you won't address here the fact that he's been freeloading off you. The meals, Netflix, TV package etc: does he treat you to stuff in return? Also that you booked a holiday with him where HE wants to go, despite it costing more than you wanted. Please think about that. From here it's all HIM HIM HIM and what HE wants, including publically 'liking' semi clad female pics, then sulking to a ridiculous extent when you told him it upsets you.

He doesn't care about you. It's so one-sided.

BackwardsGoing · 05/06/2019 12:45

OP whether or not he's being deliberately abusive I think is beside the point, and might be a barrier to the way you are thinking about this relationship.

The point is that you deserve to be treated better. He may have issues that prevents him from compromising (going on holiday to a destination of your choice), from doing things you want to do (going out with your friends) or reacting maturely to relationship problems (sulking/silent treatment). Overall he sounds selfish and immature.

I think the one thing that stands out more than most is the example you can set for your DDs. Trust everyone when they tell you that your children will learn from you what is acceptable from a partner. And he ain't it.