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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 04/06/2019 21:22

Your dd deserves better than this man. Dont make this her standard.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/06/2019 21:34

jeepers.. what did I just read ? Confused

get shot of this ma OP Flowers

Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 22:02

@Sausageroll123
Please read the Lundy Bancroft book, ' why does he do that' you can download it easily. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean his behaviour isn't abusive.
I get that you're probably in shock at the moment, you posted asking for help about a moody boyfriend and you've had so many replies telling you he's abusive, you didn't think he was, you thought he was just having a wobble. You don't believe that he's abusive and I'm sure you feel that if you just made him feel a little bit more comfortable then he'd snap out of this mood.
To me the clear answer on this thread from so many women who don't even know you is that sadly, yes he is abusive in his attitude towards you. I've been blunt with my comments and I stand by them.
I've been in your shoes and I'll bet many of the women who have commented have been too. So many women here can see what he's doing. When we've been where you're standing and we know now that hindsight is a wonderful thing. Just have a think Sausageroll123 why would a group of unknown strangers on an Internet forum all say the same thing.
The stalker comment was crass and unpleasant and that poster should be ashamed of themselves.

Miniloso · 04/06/2019 23:02

OP, also it’s really important to understand that these men are incapable of ‘loving’ anyone in a healthy way. It’s not that he doesn’t love ‘you’ - he will never be able to love anyone in a normal manner. Don’t feel sorry for him for that, don’t think you can change him, you can’t.

It’s not you. It’s him.

canyoufeedthedog · 05/06/2019 00:08

You know his behaviour is unacceptable to most of your peers on Mumsnet . You asked your question but are SO obviously not going to listen? Why ask in the first place? These ladies that have gone out of their way to reply, give you, sometimes hard won advice? You are still okay that you are okay, that's fine. Just keep this thread and come back to it when you need it .

Absolutepowercorrupts · 05/06/2019 00:29

As canyoufeedthedog said why did you ask? You may have had an inkling that his behaviour wasn't right. But It's all up to you now. You will do what you want to do, brush this one under the carpet.and live with this silent treatment for the rest of your life. The ball is in your court Sausageroll123

MsDogLady · 05/06/2019 05:01

Sausage, you have taken steps to strengthen your boundaries. Individual counseling would help you with this, as well as helping to boost your self-esteem.

From my experience, it is highly unlikely that your boyfriend will ‘see the light’ and change for the better.

You truly deserve to be with someone who always shows you respect and who wouldn’t dream of freezing you out for expressing your feelings.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 07:10

Morning all. For those of you saying I'm choosing to ignore people's advice - I'm not. As @Absolutepowercorrupts said, yes I thought my boyfriends behaviour could be unfair which is why I posted on here to ask for others opinions. To be told by so many people that his behaviour is abusive has come as quite a shock. I love this man! I have not had much sleep last night, I'm tired, have got to deal with 2 kids this morning and then go to work, all whilst trying to process everything everyone has said. No I've still not heard from him, but I haven't got in contact with him either, which is a big step for me

OP posts:
PenelopePink · 05/06/2019 07:19

Good for you op. Baby steps

Hp737 · 05/06/2019 07:22

Please consider this the end I know it’s so hard but even if he seriously apologised now do you want to go through this again? And you will. It gets worse

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2019 07:35

Well done for not contacting him.

Have you told your friends/family what's going on? They will be horrified and will support you through this.

Whatever you do, don't contact him. Unless it's to say 'fuck off it's over'

Pearlfish · 05/06/2019 07:37

Well done for not contacting him OP. I realise that’s harder than it sounds. Stay strong!

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 07:42

Op. I think deep down you must know extensively ignoring someone simply because they set a boundary leaving them standing on the door step for thirty mins, ignoring their child, not even having the decency to respond to good luck emails is more than just stubborn or moody, that it's an appalling way to treat someone. And to bring their kid into it is just horrible behaviour.

It's good you're not reaching out to him still, because you really cannot let anyone treat you this badly. You're allowed to set boundaries in relationships. To say when something upsets you. Being kicked to the kerb and made to beg for forgiveness for days after is so humiliating.

Was his mum in there? His kid? Were they all sitting watching you knocking on the door and him sitting inside ignoring you?

I've a horrible feeling you're not strong enough to end this, but i guess we all hope you can start to act with some self respect and not let this man treat you like this.

MrMagooo · 05/06/2019 07:46

@Sausageroll123 Forget about whether he is abusive or not. His behaviour is NOT okay. It is so far from okay and you really have to think about why you've let it happen.

His behaviour is despicable. Never let anyone treat you like that or your daughter.

I and everyone on here hope that he gets in touch so you can tell him where to go and ignore him, stay strong and move on

Good luck. I hope the day goes okay for you.

Tiredtessy · 05/06/2019 08:10

Absolute mind games and control freak, bin him so you don’t have to feel like this and the kids don’t grow up thinking this is normal, he’s a knob!

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 08:34

@Bluntness100 No his child nor Mum were there. His mum would have let me in none the wiser and he'd have been forced to talk to me. Although there's a chance he would have just sat there and not said a word to me

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 08:39

Sausage have a think about exactly why you love a man who treats you this way. He even ignored your 'good luck' message. Do you think he loves you? He left you grovelling on his mum's doorstep for 30 mins. Is that love?

ComeBackBarack · 05/06/2019 08:54

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here.

It’s a lot to take in.

I can see why the abuse thing is taking you aback. There’s some fairly strong views being expressed.

But...having said that, he sounds like a complete prat and not worth any more headspace. Anyone who made me feel like I had to stand on a doorstep for half an hour would be well down my friend’s list and I’d just give up on them. Go find something more fun to do.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/06/2019 09:08

I’m hoping you’ll. e strong enough to end this OP. Once he realises you’re not playing his ignoring game, I have no doubt he’ll come back on strong with the charm offensive to reel you back in. Be prepared for this. It’s all part of the abusers script. Lots if attention from him, I love yous, gifts and planning for the future

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 09:22

He won't want to lose the free meals, the expensive holiday, the breaks from his mum's house and his access to Netflix and the sports package Sausage is paying for, just for him to enjoy! the entitlement is strong in him.

RestingBitchFaced · 05/06/2019 09:58

Do not contact him again! You do know he's waiting for you to make the next move so then he has 'won' again. And if he does contact you ignore his message- see how he likes it

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 05/06/2019 10:26

If I don't contact him again and he doesn't contact me, then am I to assume we are no longer together? What kind of person doesn't officially split up with their partner of 2 years when there are kids involved too etc? I can't get my head around it

OP posts:
Hp737 · 05/06/2019 10:29

@sausageroll123 yeah exactly. What kind of person ghosts their partner of 2 years over something trivial. A twat of the highest order

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/06/2019 10:34

Sausage he is not a nice man, that's what kind of a person he is. He doesn't have your interests at heart, only his - that's why. Are you just going to wait and wait and be a bystander in your own life? You deserve better.

Why would you want to be with someone like this? He's a user, seeks out sleazy pics of women, ignores you and lets you pay for his TV package.

Weenurse · 05/06/2019 10:40

He is a selfish loser, you are well rid of him