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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Roussillon849 · 04/06/2019 18:16

I agree that some of this is very hard to read, ineedmydinner. And about abusive men homing in on a certain type of woman, QueenOfTheCroneAge.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 18:24

Well, whatever sausage decides to do, she will at least be armed with more insight about her own and this man's behaviour. She can't unsee this thread with 16 pages (to date) of concerned posters telling her how messed up it all is.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/06/2019 18:28

I've never thought of him as abusive, just awkward and really stubborn sometimes. I always assumed abuse was physical, or name calling, or not letting you do things etc

Abuse doesn't usually start as a beating. Most people would run a mile from that. It starts as a drip, drip, drip of manipulative behaviour that exerts control over you and gets you jumping to their tune. When the current method ceases to be effective then they up the ante. Talk to women who've been abused and you'll find out that more often than not it starts with the silent treatment and once that pattern is well establish so doesn't get the fear/obedience response, it escalates.

PennyBryn · 04/06/2019 18:30

Can I ask where do you see yourselves, you and your bf, in ten years? Do you genuinely believe that you will still be together? If you truly believe that you have a future then where’s the harm in going no contact with him for just at least a week? You can take the time to really consider if this is a healthy relationship. Try to fight through that feeling of panic that comes with no contact. Take control make it be no contact by choice, your choice xxx

AnyFucker · 04/06/2019 18:41

Op...who went on the holiday last week ?

You said the destination had to be your boyfriend's choice but just you and your dc went ? I don't understand.

Butterymuffin · 04/06/2019 18:42

Wish people would stop haranguing the OP. It doesn't help and people need time to digest things like this, and also slip up at times. What's the stat about how it takes something like 17 attempts on average to leave an abusive partner? sausage you slipped up this afternoon but just go back to silence, no more messages, and keep putting yourself first and thinking all this through.

Butterymuffin · 04/06/2019 18:44

anyfucker the holiday that's his choice is a future one, not the one OP was on last week.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 18:44

The jointly booked holiday is for the end of the year. I assume OP just went somewhere with dd for the recent half term.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 18:45

Yes holiday with kids was half term, holiday just booked for me and him is end of the year

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/06/2019 18:46

Ok. Thanks for clarifying.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 18:47

@PennyBryn in ten years I thought we'd still be together. He never wants to get married and I accepted that

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/06/2019 18:54

You accept a lot from this man, Sausage of course he doesn't want to get married. He has a cushy life at present, living with his mum and you.

Lllot5 · 04/06/2019 19:01

When do you expect him to realise he can’t watch Netflix? Maybe you’ll hear then, then you’ll know what his priorities are.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 19:08

@Lllot5 It'll be tomorrow evening. To be honest he's that desperate to watch Black Mirror, rather than be the one to text me, he'll probably sign up and pay for it himself!

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 04/06/2019 19:09

Please re-read Bluntness100's post and really think about it.

I'm not sure what you are expecting from this thread. In your OP and subsequent posts you describe his shitty behaviour even ignoring texts from your child but then insist that he's great really and you love him etc.

So you have two choices, continue to put up with it or tell him you are not prepared to put up with his PA behaviour any longer. He either behaves like an adult or it's over. I doubt you will do the latter so good luck with the former.

rememberatime · 04/06/2019 19:13

I think you are being punished for going on holiday without him.

Think about it.... he likes other women on social media to show you that when you go away and he doesn't get to see you his head might be turned. That he looks at other women when you're away. (next time you make sure to invite him along)

he arranges another holiday that you must go to, even though the location isn't your choice. To show that this is what the perfect partner does -- never leaves the other on their own.

Then this is all ticking over in his mind - he's probably putting it together with his assertion that you don't spend enough time with his child (perhaps by taking her and him on holiday?)

Then you give him the perfect opportunity to have it out with you. To place blame on your about his daughter and to punish you for all of the above.

In his head you are to blame for everything in his life that feels wrong.

I've dealt with this before in a 16 year marriage. I can tell you that it only ever gets worse. You literally begins to creep around the house, fearing the next bout of silent treatment. My husband once didn't talk to me for 6 weeks! Finally he told me it was because I couldn't stick to a diet...

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/06/2019 19:33

In honesty sausage the way you are chasing this man does sound pretty batshit.

This man isnt your boyfriend you're just a plaything to him.

In your head you are concocting a totally different reality to the one that is actually happening.

This man has shown you nothing but blatant disrespect....you are basically drumming the life lesson of codependency into your daughter.

No sausage......just.no

Smh

onanotherday · 04/06/2019 20:00

I spent 20 years with a man like thisBlushConfusedhe was funny, charismatic and everyone liked him. But he was also moody.. would gaslight and stonewall.. not that I knew it at the time. I could defend and justify his behaviour til the cows cans home...l loved him. BUT when it finally hit the fan and it took many years to make sense of it , with a lot of counselling I saw how controlling and abusive it was. What is worse we had children that suffered because I thought we could get back on track. He has now been diagnosed with a personality disorder and possible bipolar. Nothing I could have done or did would have changed this car crash and I urge you not to waste time on him. Unless he recognises his behaviour and gets help while out of the relationship... but you can't make him better. Please put yourself and dcs first.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/06/2019 20:29

Sausage, a lot of people think that abuse has to include shouting, tempers, acts or threats of violence. It absolutely doesn't. Another mistake that people make is they think abuse has to be intentional. So if they believe deep down their partner does actually love them or is a nice person then it can't be abuse. There are many forms of abuse but the one thing they have in common is the effect on the emotional health of the victim which is slowly but steadily degraded over time. What ultimately defines abuse is the behaviour, not the conscious intent. Please think about that and read through the links that have been suggested. Please also seriously consider my previous recommendation of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it from Amazon for about 8 quid and it will be worth every penny.

To others, you should know that abusers are generally attracted to people with low self-esteem and that their abuse grinds that down even further. Be gentle. It is frustrating when something that seems so clear to you is greeted with repeated denial but excessive criticism of the OP will not help. She needs help and support to pull herself up, not others putting her down.

Janus · 04/06/2019 20:31

I’m guessing you sent that ‘good luck’ email in the hope that you making contact and not mentioning the sulking would make him realise what he’s missing and ‘forgive you’ (but never apologise). You’ve reached out to him again rather than waiting for him to contact you. You probably would have forgiven him if he’d replied saying something like ‘thanks’ but not talking over why he’s sulking.
You deserve better.
This is a pathetic man who is controlling you in so many ways.
If he doesn’t like what you say he blanks you for days.
He wants to go on a certain holiday, you don’t get a say. He’s probably got lots more disposable cash than you (living with mum, probably paying pittance rent) yet makes you pay half for the holiday he wants.
Comes over 3 x a week and eats your food, uses your hot water, uses your Netflix account, gives you nothing.
Wants you to get BT sport so he can watch more at your house (that you won’t watch when he’s not there) and then gets you to pay for that too.
Ignores your daughter’s texts (who ignores a child, that appalling behaviour).
Let’s you stand on the doorstep for 30 minutes begging to talk.
Then you emailed him ‘good luck’ all nice and cheerful?
I wouldn’t wait for this loser to text you/make contact. I’d have some self respect and text him something like ‘this constant ignoring me when we fall out is not the way I want a relationship so let’s just call it a day now’ and move on.

theansweris42 · 04/06/2019 20:32

OP I think Roussillon849 had the right message. We ARE wanting to support you.
Those of us who have been through the same maybe feel a bit desperate for the scales to fall from your eyes. some posters are very direct (!) and others are abrasive.
The point is, the message is unanimously that he is emotionally abusive and that things will get worse.

Please just take time to think. Try not to panic. Think everything over. You know he is horrible to you, but that he doesn't do it all the time.
Posters are trying to help you understand that the "moods" will increase in frequency and duration.
I spent 20 years with a man who gradually became more "moody" and "tricky", didn't want to see my friends, didn't want me to meet his friends, was critical of my ideas/appearance/friends and horrible to me time and again....but I talked him round, made him "see" why I was upset (he knew! all along!) and we'd settle back down.
Until the next time.
We travelled the world, we were successful and had fun.
But he didn't love me.
And who would leave someone they love knocking on the door for half an hour? Who would be able to cut off communication with a loved one for days at a time?
He doesn't love you.
I’m so sorry for you because this is really tough. But you're here and well done for that.
Just keep reading, thinking and seeing the connections, as you've described.
Please read Lundy Bancroft.
Please put yourself first - you are worth it - even though the way you have been conditioned (all your life?) is to please others. Choose for you and for your DC.
My heart goes out to you.

I think you're at the start of a metamorphosis and I wish you success Smile

Janus · 04/06/2019 20:37

After reading TooTrue’s post I hope I don’t come across as too critical, (I totally see what you mean TooTrue) I just think you deserve so much more than waiting around for this bloke.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/06/2019 20:48

Janus, the sad reality is many victims make several false starts before they finally find the motivation and strength to break free. I suspect sausage is having one of those false starts. It frustrates me as much as anyone but if she gets more harshness than support she will likely turn away forever from this invaluable source of support. She needs to feel safe here so we can support her, whether this is her time to break free or whether she needs to come back in the future.

lifebegins50 · 04/06/2019 20:50

What usually happens is his behaviour will get worse.You will escalate your behaviour (crying, shouting pleading) to get a reaction from him and then he can call you crazy.

Please download "why does he do that" by Lundy, it will help you understand his behaviour.

PenelopePink · 04/06/2019 21:22

The Lundy Bancroft book was an eye opener for me too.

OP I hope you’re ok. I got a similar level of advice about a man two years ago using a different name and in spite of being told by multiple posters that he wasn’t nice it still didn’t register in the non-rational part of my mind. Then I did another thread and had a similar response and got closer but not quite.

But - all the posts did sow the right seeds in my mind and I went back to them both months later when I was finally ready to move on. Sadly in those intervening months my dignity got badly damaged and now it’s that which hurts me - not him but how I acted, all the undignified things I did.

I guess I just want you to learn from my mistakes